Wednesday, August 30, 2006

numbered aimless musings

inspired after reading my girl blah's entry. YOU HAPPY NOW CHICK?!?

1. i'm in love
2. with the color celadon
3. if actions speak louder than words then how come folk find it so easy to fall in love with folk based on words without action?
4. i've fallen in love with someone's words
5. i've fallen out of love based on someone's actions
6. i've mistaken myself for being in love
7. it sucked to realize i was just infatuated
8. i'm really starting to think maybe i've never been in love, or maybe it's i've never been in the right kind of love
9. i'm pretty sure this time next year i won't be living in atlanta anymore
10. you know, i've got to be really careful because being lonely tends to make me magnify my feelings about folk, like i find myself trying to convince myself i could live with the fact that we're too different, even though i know that means a relationship with him wouldn't work.
11. i think some folk choose to live a homo.sexual lifestyle, just as i think some folk choose to live a heterosexual lifestyle.
12. if you're a g.ay female, why would you be attracted to someone who dresses and acts like a guy?
13. would you still be attracted to that person if she got a sex change operation?
14. i have like fifteen cds full of porn
15. someone went through my stash and i'm down to five
16. i know who did it and i'm kicking his ass next time i see him. i'll make sure he washes his hands first though
17. i wonder if i'd be living in atlanta if my father had lived
18. my mom says we'd have been living in toronto as that's where dad wanted to move us. i can't even imagine how different my life would have been.
19. i wonder if the child i aborted would have turned out just as confused as her mother
20. i wonder if the life i aborted as a result of aborting that child was a better life than the one i'm living now
21. i wonder if i'll ever get over the guilt of having ending her life before she'd had a chance to live it
22. i still love her
23. i sometimes think i'll forever be punished for that decision and that maybe i'm not deserving of being here
24. i went to the emergency room the other day and all they could tell me was what they couldn't do as they handed me prescriptions guessing at what i might be suffering from
25. i saw a young black anorexic woman waiting to be treated
36. unfortunately she was surrounded by a bunch of enabling folk who catered to her need for attention
37. i honestly believe that's the worst thing they could do for her
38. she had a script:
her: "i've got so many problems (listing of problems)"
anyone who would listen: "poor thing...i know life has been rough for you (or some statement similar to that)"
her: "yes" followed by weeping
them: "don't cry baby, it'll be alright"
her: "god bless you!" followed by more weeping
39. and that shit went on like a looping record for the next three hours until i was saved by the avenging angel with the needle in her hand intent on sucking the blood from me.
40. believe me when i tell you it was preferable to listening to that chick.
41. actually, an enema would have been preferable to listening to that chick.
42. an enema or a pap smear with really cold tools
43. speaking of which, i was made to put my ass on a bedpan and spread my legs for the probing of my cervix that night. no stirrups, no nothing. for a second i expected them to ram an icicle in my twat and scrap around for 'abnormalities', it was just that damn caveman-like up in there
44. i watched the little league world series during the doctor's invasion of my vagina
45. it was wierd, kinda like watching television during sex, only without the orgasm or the fondling that actually feels good
46. wait...i just described my last sexual encounter
47. maybe i should have checked to make sure that doctor's name wasn't maurice
48. i've got way too many of my folk reading this fucking blog now
50. i find myself in a situation where i encouraged folk to behave in a way that's kinda reckless
51. i did it because i didn't want my caution to be misinterpreted as me trying to hate
52. meanwhile, i keep forgetting folk will think what they wanna think no matter what i do
53. i think my happiest time of the day is when i see the sun breaking free from the horizon
54. which explains why i'm more melancholy when the sky is overcast
55. i know i'm not all that great with writing poetry
56. i'm actually cool with that, although i'll keep trying to improve
57. ever come across a blog that started off with promise, then degenerated in little more than a bitchfest complete with all the bitterness and constant whining and "but i'll be aiight" entries?
58. i know folk have to work through their shit, but sometimes it's annoying as fuck reading the same shit over and over again
59. kinda like how i keep writing about not getting sex. i know that shit's annoying you as much as it's annoying me
60. one blog trend i've noticed...when a person has just found someone new to 'crush' on online, he or she uses his or her blog as a confessional, like "here's all this shit about me so you'll find me fascinating and think 'wow...this person is so courageous for being so candid and shit'"
61. it's kinda like how folk want to tell their life stories to a person they just met so folk can abbreviate the 'getting to know you' phase and get straight to the 'we're in love' phase without the 'i've seen your ass in action and even though you said this shit you did this shit' phase or the 'i've learned all of these other things about you i'm not all that cool with but they're minor in the big picture' phase or the 'we've hung out over a period of time' phase or the 'i'm in a grumpy ass mood and ain't really trying to hear you right now' phase
62. it's all ice cream and rainbows in blogland
63. ever find yourself wanting to email a fellow blogger on the low and be like "yo, i know you caught up right now, but it's probably not a great idea to put all your blogger biz out there."?
64. i do, then i realize that's their journey
65. i know i have to experience shit before i learn the lesson most of the time
67. i'm sending out a mass email to folk to tell them to stop sending me forwarded email cuz it's getting to the point where i'm not reading my email because of that shit
68. my brother is heading back to san diego this week.
69. i'm gonna miss him like norwood missed that kick in super bowl xxv
70. wait...i don't think that was a good metaphor for what i meant
71. i'm gonna miss him like a kid misses cake
72. my dad's surgery went fine. now he's laid up for two weeks before he can use his crutches
73. anyone care to guess who'll be taking care of him this weekend?
74. i'm not in love with being in love
75. yet i fantasize about finding the man who evolves me just by loving me
76. i wasn't at work yesterday so i didn't go to lunch with mike
77. the more i think on this, the more i'm realizing just how much i don't want to go to lunch with him again
78. it has nothing to do with his skin color and everything to do with his over familiarity with my body
79. the internet has a way of making folk feel as though they have an over familiarity with each other's mind
80. meanwhile, the fingers have a way of filtering light onto an image so that unflattering shit is forever cast in shadow
81. like airbrushing away unsavory antics that would have a reader going "this person isn't cool AT ALL."
82. no doubt there's a person out there with a blog who has murdered or raped someone else
83. bet you won't see him or her talking about "yeah, i killed someone and they deserved that shit." if they're looking for popularity points. now i can see that shit if the person is just trying to gross mothafuckas out
84. if my blog was a face, it'd have bloated cheeks stuffed with too many words, narrowed 'i's forever trying to bring focus to blurry thoughts, a nose that at times sniffs out only the stench in the air, a mouth framed in full, sensual phrases, that refuses to remain closed and a tongue of dangling elipses intent on licking your mind until it was erect with attention.
85. ever notice how people try to woo folk with their entries? like they step up their prose and poetry game cuz they know a person they like is digging their shit
86. i've done that shit before
87. it was cool for a while until i realized i'd be writing for life so i had to find internal inspiration for stepping up my shit
88. i can't believe i'm actually close to 100
89. when i started this entry, i thought i'd have to struggle to get to 25
90. now i'm wondering if 100 is enough
91. folk don't like honesty when it means telling them a truth about themselves they don't dig
92. for instance when my brother asked me how i could be so concerned with my mom's health when i wasn't taking care of myself, i damn sure didn't want to hear it
93. i think i was in that emergency room not because my physical health was in danger of shutting down, but because my mental health was in danger of shutting down
94. cuz the biggest thing i got from that er visit was the conversation i had with my brother
95. he reminded me i make the choice to live every day or treat each moment as if it's a second closer to my death
96. he reminded me i'm worthy of living because god put me here and that everything i do is either honoring that gift or dishonoring it
97. he reminded me i'm here for a reason and that if i don't get about the business of living a purposeful life my aimless wandering will affect the folk out there i won't have helped because i haven't yet helped myself
98. he reminded me that no matter what, there is one person in the world who loves me and believes in me and ain't afraid to tell me when i'm fucking up
99. he reminded me of why i love him and believe in him and ain't afraid to tell him when he's fucking up
100. man. now i'm finished...

101. rub your erect attention up against this entry and fuck what i word.