Wednesday, August 02, 2006

forgive me

the pain has stifled my creative process. i've started so many entries in the last day my head is spinning. i won't pretend everything is aiight cuz it's not. she was drunk last night. i cried inside watching her. i'm losing her. i don't know what to do. i feel so fucking HELPLESS. i just want my mom back, not this person whose every third word is slurred, whose speech is drowning in wine and can only salvage a couple of detached syllables in her as she attempts to complete a sentence. her eyes were glassy, like she didn't even know i was there, and yet there were moments, precious seconds, when she was lucid enough to recognize me.

what the fuck am i going to do? i'm desperate. i can't lose her. she's the only mom i've got. i want her to be happy and she's not. i can't force her into a program. i've seen how ineffective it is to force someone into doing something they don't want to do. right now she doesn't think her spirit is worth saving. she doesn't see her body as a temple. she sees it as a trashcan and she's deliberately throwing bottles of wine into it, watching with glee as the glass shatters and cuts through her internal organs, severing her sanity away from her senses.

i can't blackmail her into getting help. i know she loves me but i can't use that love against her like that. she has to love herself enough and i can't be the one to convince her. i've watched her for years tear herself down slowly, the bottles of crow.n ro.yal stacking beneath her bed or in her bureau or some other place she thought to hide her habit. she always had a job, always pays her bills on time. she's responsible enough to where her problem hasn't made her homeless but her problem has made her spiritless. it's made her this sad version of what happens when a person doesn't value herself enough to want to seek out her dreams. dreams are so fucking important. they give our lives purpose. they give our lives meaning.

she doesn't have any dreams. she gave up on them years ago. she gave up on life years ago. she's so eager to retire from her job and i'm afraid when she does she's gonna die, cuz it might be a fucked up job but she HAS to get up. she gotta wake up every morning to go to work. she might not like that purpose but she's forced to do it. once she retires, what incentive will she have for waking up? will she find the world that comes with her closing her eyes more appealing? will she think she's better off not being here?

is just loving her enough? i love her so much and it hasn't been enough so far. will her love for me be enough for her to want to stick around? i can't keep watching her slowly kill herself like this.

every breath taken brings us closer to death
every second ending brings us closer to death
every heartbeat striking brings us closer to death

everyday i watch my mom run towards death as though it's her solace from living. i want to run away but i can't. i can't leave her. whoever she is right now, i can't leave her. i live for those brief moments when i see a glimpse at her true spirit, when the laughter comes easy and wasn't induced by drink, when the sharing of experience comes truthfully and wasn't siphoned through a glass of wine, when the emitting of emotion comes sincerely and wasn't offered after a cup of courage.

i don't want the sorrow to win.
i don't want the anger to win.
i don't want the despair to win.

but she's drinking as if she has nothing to lose. maybe she feels as though she never had anything to lose.

what does that make me? doesn't she know how much i need her? doesn't she realize just how fucking beautiful and intelligent and gifted and giving and funny and fucking valuable she is to everyone who loves her? how many times do i have to tell her? is she even listening?

"...And you, my [mother], there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

i want you to fight, mom. i want you to fucking FIGHT. i've got your back, mom. i will fucking drop whatever i'm doing and be there. if you need me there with you all day everyday until you win this battle i'll fucking do it.

i just want you back. i just want you back.

i just want my mom back damnit.