how the fuck i look?

how the fuck i look running away from that shit?

how the fuck i look letting some shit like that affect me?

how the fuck i look being envious?

how the fuck i look shedding a tear over that?

how the fuck i look letting him affect my writing like that?

how the fuck i look not blogging cuz i didn't want to face myself? or him? or her?

how the fuck i look blaming him and them for my discontent?

how the fuck i look giving ANYBODY the kind of power to erase the words from my fingers before my thoughts could spill from them?

how the fuck i look doubting my own strength, my own resillience, my own straight up, bonafide, grade a unwillingness to fold under the pressure of life's challenges?

how the fuck i look doubting my own appeal, doubting whether or not i'm worth loving, doubting whether a brotha could find satisfaction with my beauty, my intelligence, my wit, my fire, my compassion, my sexiness, my candor, my (insert other amazing things about nikki right here)?

hold up...let me ask that one again...

how the FUCK i look doubting my own appeal, doubting whether or not i'm worth loving, doubting whether a brotha could find satisfaction with my beauty, my intelligence, my wit, my fire, my compassion, my sexiness, my candor, my (insert other amazing things about nikki right here)?

how the fuck i look doubting the loved ones around me, the ones who came through in the clutch for me this weekend, even though i was perfectly fine with the idea of locking myself away like a fucking self-pitying coward?

how the fuck i look devoting more of my mind's space and my emotion to a friend i've barely had for half a year when i've got brothas in my life who have been my friend through thick and thick, all the while having consideration for me, listen to my needs, never judge my emotions, analyze and offer solutions to my life's challenges, all cuz they want to see me happy? shit, one of them even wrote ten fucking paragraphs describing ten wonderful things about me because i was feeling down on myself (thanks luv).

how the fuck i look devaluing their friendship by not giving them the importance in my life they deserve?

how the FUCK i look putting my life on hold even for a fucking MINUTE when i've got so much shit to do?

how the fuck i look?!?

i look like a MOTHAFUCKIN FUCKING IDIOT, that's what!

so fuck THAT.

i'm BACK.