Tuesday, August 22, 2006

damn...what i expect?

i was talking to a friend yesterday and asked him what's the most romantic thing he's ever done for a girl he was dating. he said he brought her flowers and took her out to dinner.

now of course i cringed as i read that. i was like "is that the best you can do?!?" and then i thought about it...there is no universal set of actions that makes something romantic. i mean, the girl he was with probably thought that was crazy romantic, and isn't that what matters?

i thought back to the most romantic thing i've ever done for a brotha and realized i had different answers for it.

one ex loved video games so i set up a night for he and i to just sit back and play video games all night. the one who won the most matches would get to name something he or she wanted done to him or her. when he won, he asked me to suck his dick in a movie theater.

another ex enjoyed sports, so i made a day of it and bought us tickets to a football game and took him out to dinner.

one ex was just glad i cooked for his ass. greedy mofo...

anyway, those were special ocassions orchestrated by the need to let the guy know i loved him. i asked myself how romantic i am on the daily basis and realized i'm woefully lacking according to my own standards. i mean, i would love to have a man give me a foot massage, but i only gave a total of about five foot massages spread out over five boyfriends. i would love for a brotha to pick up a book of poetry for me just cuz and it's only happened once. meanwhile, i've done the same kind of thing only a couple of times my damn self.

in other words, who da fuck am i to expect romance when i ain't doing it?

my friend told me he'd love for a woman to bath him and give him a massage. i've NEVER done that shit before. i mean, i've done the massage thing. in fact, i've done the manicure, pedicure, and massage thing. however, i've NEVER bathed a guy before. when he told me that, i was shocked i had never even thought to do such a thing. that's like one of those intimate things i would think a person would love to do for the one he or she loves, and i'd never considered it.

and i realized in that moment just how self-centered i've been in my relationships. don't get it twisted, i've done things for my men, selfless things even. however, i know i've done things with the expectation i'd get the same treatment or i did it because it was expected. i didn't realize just how many things i HADN'T done just cuz i wanted him to feel good.

sidebar: oh SHIT. so why was i just asked to go out to lunch by this research scientist? this attractive russian CAUCASIAN research scientist? that dude came from across campus to ask me out to lunch! what's THAT about? i said yes, but really...what's THAT about?

aiight, back to what i was saying.

anyway, so i'm realizing just how selfish i've been in past relationships and that shit ain't cool. is it because i've never loved one to that level where i felt comfortable enough to be completely selfless? then again, shouldn't a person be selfless before all that? i mean, why do i have to be in that kind of love to be selfless to that degree? is it because i haven't even been able to give MYSELF that kind of selfless love? i mean, i was selfish and yet i still wasn't really taking care of my own needs, you know? it wasn't like i was pampering myself or loving myself enough to do things that pleased me.

i know one thing...ain't no fucking way i'm gonna have the kind of love i want if i'm not willing to give that kind of love.

i know another thing...next cat i get with is getting bathed. that's a turn on just thinking about it.

sidebar: for real though...what's THAT about? is he trying to get his swirl on? he doesn't even speak english all that well! do russian folk have a thing for us brown-skinned beauties? why the fuck am i even thinking about it like this cuz it's not like i'm interested in him like that. however, i'm automatically on the defense cuz this is the first time i've ever been asked out to lunch here by a white dude i don't work with. lawd...let my ass calm down...