Tuesday, August 01, 2006

happy birthday to me and happy get pissed at nikki day to you

this past year has been rather monumental for me. i've experienced loss with the death of my two uncles, including my favorite. i've connected with new folk and disconnected with old folk, realized i am my biggest obstacle, figured out the truth is the only thing that matters and that love is only good when it's shared.

this is an open letter to a number of folk who have come through my life in the past year. i figure it's important to get some things off of my mind so that i can have a clean slate as i enter my next year of living, so here goes...

a. - i know i don't tell you enough, but just know that i love you more than life. you have been the one constant through my life, the one person i know i can turn to no matter what. you know all of my secrets and you love me despite my flaws. i could never ask for a better brother because he simply does not exist. i thank god every day for being blessed with you in my life.

s. - i was so afraid of you when i first met you because i knew it was important we got along. i'm so glad i got over my fear so that i could know you better. i love you.

j. - i wish i could be there with you right now because i know you need me. there will never be enough words to express your importance in my life. it is because you are here that i am here. it is because of your strength and determination to persevere that i am afforded the great example of what a strong woman is. i know i won't have you in my life much longer, but i will make sure you know how much i love you every damn day until you're no longer here in the flesh.

c. - i just want to say i love you. i understand you as others don't and although your actions are frustrating right now, i know what they stem from. i only hope that one day you recognize your own self-worth and stop other folks from killing your spirit. you are still beautiful in my eyes. i will love you no matter what and i will always have your back. don't ever doubt it.

b. - i really wish you would stop drinking as much as you do. you think i don't see the wine stains on the bottom of your cups, but i do. you think i don't smell it on your breath, but i do. you think because i haven't checked you for it lately that i'm cool with it, but i'm not. i will always love you but know that every time you drink, i see a little piece of you wafting away on alcohol fumes. eventually there won't be anything of you left. i miss who you used to be and pray one day i see that person again.

r. - why are you enabling her with her drinking? do you do it because you need a drinking partner? do you do it because you don't want to feel so bad about your own drinking issues? i'm not sure what the reason is but i wish you would stop that shit. if you aren't happy with your life, do something about it. don't just keep drinking as though you can drown your unhappiness away cuz that shit just ain't gonna happen. i'll always love you too, but it pains me to see you behave in a way that will almost certainly guarantee i'll be taking care of you when you get older cuz you will have drank away any strength your body has.

a. - i know i let you down this year but i ask you to be patient with me. you call me all the time and i see your number in the phone and don't pick it up because i'm so ashamed of the fact that i've let you down. that shit ain't right and i'm a fucking coward for doing so. i promise to check myself on that immediately. i know you need me and i have to be there for you, even if i can't fight all of your battles for you, at least i can make sure you have someone to listen to you and tell you it's gonna be aiight. and it's gonna be aiight.

l. - i wasted so much time in the last year when we could have been hanging out. i know you wanted to hang with me more and i put you on the backburner. i see you growing up and i fear we won't be as close as we used to be and the fucked up part about it is i know it's my fault. i want to be a part of your life. i want you to know that i'm someone you can depend on. i will do a better job of being there for you.

j. - i know how you feel about me and i wish i felt the same because it would make shit so much easier for the both of us. we've been friends for so long i can't even see you that way. know that despite this, i still think you're sexy, intelligent, compassionate, and appealing. you're just not the guy for me. i want us to remain friends and i'm glad you haven't dropped from my life after our talk. you are extremely important to me.

t. - dude, you know i love you like a brother. really, i do. you and i have been tight for almost twenty years and your love and support of me has gotten me through some really tough times. you are such a great person, which is why i don't understand why you fucking up your shit. i won't put you on blast, but you know that shit ain't cool. how can you expect me to remain your friend when you continue to do something that i'm morally set against? i know you want me to be your friend and not judge you, but it's unfair for you to expect me to set aside what i believe in just because you're my best friend. then again, unconditional love is supposed to be just that, unconditional. this ain't an easy situation for me to be in, but i love you enough to remain your friend. in the meanwhile, i'm still gonna be the voice of your conscience, so don't think just cuz i'm not gonna end our friendship that i'm gonna not tell you when you're fucking up. oh...YOU FUCKING UP.

c. - you've been my girl for years now and i can't imagine not having you as my friend. i know i've been incognegro lately but know it's not because i think any less of you. i've had my issues to deal with and it's hard sharing my problems with others. that doesn't mean you're not a good friend to me. it means i have my way of coping and unfortunately it doesn't include talking about my problems with others. i hope you understand because i love you dearly and really need your spirit in my life.

d. - you've tried so hard to make this work and i wish it could have worked out because when it's all said and done, there are few folk who have been there for me as you have. you have always respected me, appreciated me, loved me in a way that others covet. i have always respected and appreciated you, but i haven't loved you the way you deserve to be loved. i really, really want to. it would be the end to all of my problems. i just can't. you are an amazing guy, but i don't think we're right for each other. we'd been together for so long it became comfortable, like a pair of well-worn jeans. however, relationships aren't just about comfort, they're about evolution as people and being strong enough sustain through the changes. i can't evolve with you. you want to be the same person in ten years that you are today and i ain't mad at it. meanwhile, i'm looking to be a different person next month, feel me? love is everlasting AND dynamic. i want that and unfortunately i can't see that with you. i still love you tremendously and want you in my life. i hope one day that will happen but i understand if it won't.

j. - we've been talking for the last couple of months and i think you're simply amazing. we have so many things in common and i think we could really be good for each other (actually, we already are...). i just don't know where you're coming from at times. i thought i was close-lipped about stuff but you're even worse than i am. it's hard to maintain a connection with you when you're so quiet. howevver, we understand each other so well because we really are a reflection of each other. i will continue to challenge you if you continue to do the same for me. it's amazing that we find common ground on issues on which we are so opposite in belief and our association has taught me the necessary skill of being able to agree to disagree. i'm telling you this though...discussion is a two-way street. don't expect me to always be the one to bring up shit. if you wanna talk, you know where i'm at and you know i'm willing to share everything with you. oh...and what you did the other day? i still don't think that shit was cool. you still cool with me though.

h. - you've been an amazing friend to me over the last ten months. your tributes to me simply blow me away because i know they all come from the heart and that's all a sista can ask for. i know you're going through hardship right now but know that things won't be this difficult forever. i got your back. i hope you know that.

p. - our chemistry is combustible and if it had been any other time in my life i would have been willing to see where it led. i'm sorry if i hurt you because i know you were feeling me and i was right there with you. you are without doubt one of the most awe-inspiring brothas i've ever met. i just know that at this point in my life it's important for me to get myself together before i embark on something serious. i don't expect you to wait for me. i want you to find someone to be with, someone who is better prepared to accept all that you have to offer. when i'm ready, don't be surprised if i come knocking on your door. i still remember you teaching me how to play chess. that was the sexiest shit i've ever experienced and it was because you turned me on with your mental strategy. you knew that too. i gotta say this...your kisses took my breath away.

r. - we've already discussed just how fucked up things played out earlier. i have to tell you just how hurt i was at the way you ended up treating me. i know it all comes down to the reality of how you felt about me but that shit still hurt. for a while i felt as though i wasn't good enough for you, as though no matter how great a person i am that i wasn't good enough to be the one you wanted to be with. now i realize i was feeling an illusion and not reality. the illusion was that i was into someone who was into me with the same intensity but your actions showed me i was wrong. it still rankles me how it played out because it seems so unfinished. i love having you as a friend and value your insight, but i'm beginning to think this friendship is detrimental to my health because no matter how connected we are, it will never be more than friendship and there is jut a little part of me that wishes it was different which is ironic because the fact is that we really aren't right for each other. we're good for each other, but not right for each other. i gotta pull away from you for a while. i need folk in my life who don't unconsciously hurt me. it's not your fault. you have to do you and i'm really happy for you. now i have to do me. you'll always have my friendship, but for the time being it's gonna be from a distance. i hope you understand, but the only way i can truly gain freedom from these feelings is to cut you off for a while.

d. - i know you're still trying to get me fired but that shit won't work. they need me too much and no matter what you try to do, you're too fucking incompetent for them to get rid of me. you think anyone can come in and do my job? why not check your daily tasks and see how many of them would get done if i wasn't around. YOU fucking need me, so get over your petty jealousy and latent racism and let's keep this shit professional. i'd hate to have pull of my earrings, take off my glasses, and kick your fucking ass, but i'll do it if you think you can keep fucking with me this way. i'll be smart about it though...i won't kick your ass until i have another gig lined up.

to all my blog fam - i appreciate all of the encouragement, positive feedback, support, insightful dialogue and straight up love you bring to my blog. you are so important to me, more than you'll ever know. it is because of you and your beautiful spirit that i'm able to make it through many of my days (especially recently, when i find myself seeking your strength in your blogs). know you are a valued part of my life and i have a very deep affection for you. thank you for sharing your lives with me and for allowing me to share mine with you.

happy birthday to me...