Friday, April 28, 2006

get lifted.

this post is very necessary. i write this because there are times when i am not at my best. times when i allow my own issues to ruin the opportunity to be blessed with the beauty of sistahood. i must post this apology in order to rid my soul of a burden.

dear sista,

i am a hypocrite.

when i should have been praising the beauty of your soul i was quietly cursing it. inside, my fear of your brilliance, your power, made me hate you. instead of wanting to uplift you, i wanted to expose all of your flaws so that mine would appear smaller to him. when i should have been encouraging you to grow, i was instead hoping you would flounder so that he would see you for the weakling i wanted you to be.

but i know better now.

and i have to apologize for my behavior.

because i allowed my own insecurities and self-doubt to destroy a potential bond between sisters. i allowed my desire to control all outcomes to cause the loss of a friend i never even got to have. it ain't easy to admit i've been less than stellar in action and behavior. i would like to think i get it right most of the time.

but when i fuck that shit up, it's important that i acknowledge that shit, too.

cuz there is no possible way for me to grow into the person i want to be (and am hopefully becoming) if i'm lying through omission, saying one thing and thinking another, wishing ill will for you and yours, and all of this because of my own feelings of inadequacy. in other words, all that talk about how back-stabbing sistas can be...was basically a conversation about me, the back-stabbing heffa. ain't that a bitch?

so i won't get preachy here. it comes down to this. i know there is no way i can create a significant connection with anybody until i get right with myself and there is no such thing as honesty if i don't feel it in my heart when i speak it. therefore, i will only speak from my heart from now on.

and with this release, my soul feels lighter.

i am me. deal with it.

i've not only been infiltrated but misunderstood.

this blog hasn't been hiding in plain sight.

i will not apologize for my thoughts.

i hope you understand i didn't mean to hurt you.

if you don't understand, i can't do anything to change that.

i hope you know i'm telling the truth.

if you don't know, i can't do anything to change that.

i guess there isn't anything else to say.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

i'm in love, pt. 1...the affair begins...

i didn't realize it until now. actually, it happened a couple of months ago. i was talking to a friend, noticing how he quoted lyrics from all kinds of songs whenever he wanted to express his thoughts. and that's when it hit me.

i was in love.

i witnessed it reflected in him, so i told him so.

i said "you're in love with the words."

and then there was silence as the declaration sank in. it was a profound moment for me because i had just realized i was enthralled, and had been all my life. it was a giddy feeling.

the love affair i've had with words began with the very first grouping of letters to take hold inside my puerile mind. i'm not even sure how old i was at the time or what word it was, but that word became the root from which all other words bloomed. it was the pollen from which the bees of my curiosity would gather the expressions before scattering away to drop new seeds, forming a meadow filled with the burgeoning babys breath of my thoughts.

i was three when i remember first feeling the uncontrollable need to express myself with words i hadn't yet learned. my father had just been killed a couple of days before and i was in a room of mourning adults, a little brown baby girl trying to make her way through the forest of tall timbered legs in charcoal slacks or jet black stockings. when i finally located my mother, she was surrounded by relatives fanning feverishly around her as though the swift cut of the wind across her face had the force to slash through the waves of grief she was drowning in. all i had were disjointed phrases and syllables, my mind still brand new to the task of capturing words and carrying them to pour from my mouth in fully formed sentences. i made my way to stand next to her and placed my hand upon her arm, trying to absorb the pain i felt emanating from her body.

"it okay mommy."

she turned to me, her eyes rimmed in the red signifying her mourning, the gravity of weariness weighing down her shoulders.

"i know, baby," she whispered brokenly. then she pulled me close to her and took a deep breath. those six words sounded like six symphonies. they soothed in their movement, the notes layered with feelings, bountiful with understanding despite the scarceness of syllables. my cheek lay against the course material of her black dress as i listened to her heart beating slowly yet powerfully beneath my ear. the wonderful thing about words is that they know when they're not needed. they recognize the gift of silence, falling back into the shadows, waiting patiently for the next time their presence is needed.

mom and i held onto each other for a little while longer, sharing in the grief of our loss, wrapping ourselves in the comfort of those words, cushioned by the soft wall of that silence.

at age five i again attempted to gather my first armful of budding thoughts, carefully positioning each flower so that the petals would appear irridescent in my mothers eyes. it was a mom poem and it took me half the day to arrange because i wanted it to be perfect.

roses are red
violets are blue
you are my mommy
and i love you

there was no shine to compete with the brightness of her countenance as i thrust into her hands my meticulous arrangement of syllables. i stared up at her with eyes wide, my desire to please her bubbling within me, the need for her approval etched into every movement. she was smiling at me, tears in her eyes as she looked at me with wonder.

"baby, that was beautiful."

i had found my first audience.

i became the tender gardener, eagerly tilling the soil from which my newly formed thoughts would grow, planting seeds i captured in clusters from the forever bloom found within books. one of the first stories i ever read by myself was where the wild things are. initially i was afraid of the illustrations, done in dark and muted colors depicting a little boy and his mischievous monsters. however, as i absorbed the words, i found a kindred spirit in max. he was a 'wild thing' just like me. he could conjure up unfettered images of jungles filled with animated foilage and large hairy beasts baring sharp pointed teeth and an insatiable appetite for tomfoolery.

i sat in my bed on many late nights, a pink sheet patterned with barbie doll images clouded over me as i directed the low bulb lighting from a weakly powered flashlight onto the words and depictions that would gain me entry into worlds unknown of until then. my little tent was my teleporter fueled by the stories hovering like halographs above the pages to wisk me away from an unwanted old reality to revel within the exciting environs of a newly created one.

away from the darkness slithering in stealth up the sides of my bed to brood menacingly just outside my self-made haven.

away from the army of silhouetted scary beings plotting against me in my closet.

away from the pesky little brother whose favorite phrase was "i'm gonna tell momma!"

away from the muffled cries of my mother's continued mourning clawing at the walls.

away from the feelings of insecurity lurking like character assasins within my thoughts.

and with each trip i continued to amass an overflow of idioms, tucking them into my imagination like a plethora of plucked posies awaiting their moment of blooming from my fingers to fall with adolescent grace upon the page.


next installment (and i don't know when that's gonna be damnit) - i'm in love, pt. 2...finding courage in verbs...

QUESTION: when did you fall in love with the things you treasure in your life?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


i was working with my kids last night. one of them was a girl i hadn't seen since the program i was coordinating ended last year. it was an amazing moment seeing her again. i decided to repost an entry i did last year from another blog. basically, this is why i volunteer.

so yesterday we took the girls to a day full of activities celebrating martin luther king's birthday. we started off at an southern christian leadership conference youth symposium dealing with poverty, education, and the juvenile justice system. it was dry and we were bored, so we left that borefest for a youth summit taking place at the mlk center. it was about devising non-violent strategies to handle violent situations. it was very engaging and the girls were active participants. i was so proud of them!

after the summit, there was a writing workshop for kids, so one of the girls (her name is karrie) and i stayed for the workshop. she learned techniques on how to keep her words flowing when she felt as though she was coming down with writers block. she really enjoyed the workshop and i enjoyed being there with her.

after the workshop, we headed to a poetry slam which was a continuation of the workshop. the room was filled to capacity and folks were getting up and reading poems about all kinds of things. karrie decides to add herself to the list of poets on the open mic list. i asked her was she sure and she said "yes, miss nikki. i really want to read this poem."

so when it's her turn to get up, she walks up hesitantly to the stage. the mc introduces her and talks to her a bit. he was amazed that someone so young (she's twelve year's old!)had the courage to walk up and do a poem in the middle of a room full of adults. she appeared unfazed which totally blew my mind!

she begins reading her poem entitled "soul sister". she talks of how she's got a soul sister who's powerful, a woman who makes her feel like she's the brightest star in the universe, someone who inspires her and encourages her to believe she can do anything, someone who she feel is her kindred spirit and has taught her how to be fearless.

then she ends the poem with "who is my soul sister? my soul sister is YOU!"...and proceeds to point DIRECTLY AT ME!

WHAT DA FUCK? she was talking about me the whole time! i burst into tears and almost ran out of the room. she got a standing ovation for her poem and then everyone turned to me and started clapping. the mc told the audience that i was her mentor and karrie told the audience that i was the inspiration for the poem!

it was at that very moment that it all came full circle for me. it wasn't about her writing a poem for me. it was about instilling within her the high self-esteem, courage and self-empowerment she would need to make it in the world on her terms. i realized then that she got it. she got why i spent so much time with her and the rest of the girls. she understood how important her well-being was to me and that i believe in her.

you know what? that was the best moment of my life. the moment i realized that my girls are absorbing all the hope, courage, strength, and wisdom i have to offer. they inspire me to continue doing what i'm doing. they inspire me to aspire towards my own dreams as i witness them finally believe enough in themselves to know they not only have the right to dream, they also have the strength to fight for those dreams.

having them in my life is a priceless gift. thank you god.

i still feel this way. i wanted to post this so that those of you out there who have thought about mentoring but haven't done it yet can see just how meaningful your presence is in the life of a child. it doesn't even have to be alot of time. it could be once a week or twice a month, but i promise you the kids never forget you. when i saw karrie last night it was as if the months since i saw her last had never occurred, and yet they had. she's growing so much now, taking on the personality of a teenager trying to find her space in the world, but she's still a young spirit eager for guidance.

working with kids is hard. they push you emotionally and physically and challenge your authority unless you check them early. however, the rewards from it far outweigh any difficulties. i find my joy in their growth and my peace in their spirits.

if you have even a little time on your hands, think about being a mentor. moments like the one i wrote about might not happen often, but when they do your life will change each time, i guarantee it.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

woo me baby

so i'm sitting at my desk minding my own business when my phone rings. i glance down and flip open the phone.

text message? hmm...

and aries man, the cat i was talking about from saturday, the brotha who evidently heard me when i said in a throwaway comment "gwendolyn brooks is one of my favorite poets ever"...has sent me this:

To be in love

To be in love
Is to touch with a lighter hand.
In yourself you stretch, you are well.
You look at things
Through his eyes.
A cardinal is red.
A sky is blue.
Suddenly you know he knows too.
He is not there but
You know you are tasting together
The winter, or a light spring weather.
His hand to take your hand is overmuch.
Too much to bear.
You cannot look in his eyes
Because your pulse must not say
What must not be said.
When he
Shuts a door
Is not there
Your arms are water.
And you are free
With a ghastly freedom.
You are the beautiful half
Of a golden hurt.
You remember and covet his mouth
To touch, to whisper on.
Oh when to declare
Is certain Death!
Oh when to apprize
Is to mesmerize,
To see fall down, the Column of Gold,
Into the commonest ash


yeah, it's one of my favorite poems by her.

you know, it's the little shit really. i wish more brothas got that concept cuz a little effort like this goes a long way. that brotha is wooing this sista. i almost want to let him woo. SHIT.

what are the little things a brotha or sista can do to woo you?

Monday, April 24, 2006

the random thoughts of a sista from this weekend (better known as 'get outta my mind, mothafucka')

oh my goodness.

is it possible to be that fine?

his family reminds me alot of mine.

i agree, his cousin is gay (not that there's anything wrong with it)

dude, just cuz you wear one of those professional looking gloves doesn't mean you know how to shoot pool.

that band was better than i'd thought it'd be. earth wind and fire? they get props for that alone.

i'm sooooo glad i hung out with myself on saturday night.

then again, i was looking damn good that night.

did i go to barley's cuz i knew you'd be there? probably.

i'm glad i went anyway.

i hate funerals.

one thing's for sure. you can't make a brotha want you. if he just ain't feeling you, he just ain't feeling you.

thank you ego for finally getting it.

dude, is your ass numb? i ask because you been getting it whupped all night and yet you still keep bending over for another smack.

yeah, i could have beaten you at billiards with my non-glove wearing amateur ass.

i'm a hopeless flirt.

if you keep being so antisocial you'll never find a girlfriend, dude.

i thought the nfl draft was this weekend!

should i even hang with you when every look you give me is stripping me naked in your mind?

hell yeah! i'll just make sure i'm never alone with you again.

okay, i gotta stop thinking about you cuz you're making me wet.

"i'm your huckleberry"

val kilmer does the best rendition of doc holiday EVAR.

why you keep inviting me to your apartment?? you KNOW i can't do that shit.

my boy 'a', i really want you to find happiness before I die.

i can't believe i've got four male friends and i'm not attracted to any of them.

wait. i'm attracted to one, but in that "i'd fuck your mind" kind of way.

i can see all through your act of indifference, sista. you know you still digging him. stop playing.

he knows you're still digging him, too. he told me so, which is why i'm telling you to stop cuz he sees that shit as a joke.

you in a tank top is like a masterpiece being partially cloaked by inconsequential material. i made a point of not staring but that image is emblazoned upon my memory.

you ain't have to tell me you wear magnums for comfort. i don't care what you say, you were trying to tell me you had a big dick on the sly.

why did i tuck that lil bit of information away for a rainy day anyway???

why did i let you take me to brunch yesterday? shit, let me stop playing...i know why.

i gotta make sure i got my money right cuz i gotta get out NOW.

my body is betraying me in all kinds of ways.

it's hot as FUCK in alabama right now.

you know what attracted me the most? your vocabulary. then your sense of humor. then your slow southern drawl. then your body in the black pants and shirt. then your lips. then your dark brown skin.

no wait, it was your lips first. then your dark brown skin. then your body in the black pants and shirt. fuck the rest of that bullshit cuz i didn't hear what you were saying for like the first three minutes of our conversation. i was too busy

eventually i realized we had the same sense of humor. eventually i realized you were quick with the wit. eventually i noticed your sexy southern drawl. eventually i noticed we had similar interests. eventually.

but first it was three minutes of me staring at your lips while my ears heard you speak in the same language as the adults from 'peanuts'.

you're an ARIES? oh SHIT.

NO, i didn't need you to walk me to my car.

and NO you weren't being a gentleman. i peeped that maneuver. you did that shit cuz you wanted to get me alone.

yes, the hug was nice. yes, i'm the queen of understatements.

i think i need to lose your number. i need time to myself and you have the potential to really fuck that shit up.

i wish you weren't as attracted to me as i am to you. that'd make this shit a whole lot easier for me to deal with.

i'm gonna keep avoiding your ass like the plague.

until august.

oh snap...i thought about you this much?

Friday, April 21, 2006

double talk

i think terrell owens is a punk, but I’m willing to give him the benefit of a doubt he'll do aiight in dallas, not because i believe he's changed, but because of your strong argument supporting his reticent attitude. frankly, i think they should let him ride the bench initially, maybe bring him in as a substitute for terry glenn in third down situations, just so he understands he’s part of a team concept and not just one player. for now, though, he gets no respect for me, especially after he called out mcnabb regarding his play in the super bowl. to me, that was a bitch ass move. if terrell is so fucking great, he should have filled in for him. instead he chose the punk route and whined about his treatment, creating a chasm between he and his team that could never be repaired. he’s got a history of that kind of behavior. if i were jerry jones, I’d guarantee his silence with a contract stipulating he can’t say shit unless jerry says so. but until he shows me he’s mature enough to shut the fuck up and just play, he’s a little bitch to me. better yet, make that ‘she’. if terrell fucks up things in dallas, it'd be a fucking miracle if she resurfaces anywhere else.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

let's play tag!

this one came from my girl mocha. check out her blog! i'm sure she'd appreciate it!

1. If you could grab any famous person's azz, who would it be and why?

dubya's, cuz then i'd be able to shove explosives up it. talk about weapons of ass destruction...

2. If you could switch lives with Paris Hilton, would you?
that's lives, not bodies, right? yeah, i'd do it. there needs to be a rich black bitch on the block. someone who would use her money and power for the greater good. among my good deeds as the rich black bitch:

- buying the dallas cowboys so i could be terrell owen's boss. then i'd give him some crayons and a stack of paper and make him write out a million times "i'm a whining bitch ass nigga who should be more appreciative of the fact that i get paid alot of money to catch a fucking football." then i'd tell him if he opens his mouf one more fucking time i'm gonna sprinkle some weed on leon lett's dick, stick it in his mouth, and force him to puff puff, give.

- hiring nelly to perform at my bachelorette party. i'd make that mothafucka strip, bend over, and let me run a credit card up his ass. "stand still while i tip drill THIS you bastid."

- buy up all the hollywood studios and stipulate they make only films with black leading actors and actresses. white folk can only be sidekicks and if there's more than one white person in that film all media outlets must refer to the film as a white film. also, there must be at least ten films made a year with white trash caricatures as leads and/or "realistic" portrayal of life in the trailer parks.

3. If your best friend of the opposite sex was not your best friend, would you wanna hit?
a decade ago, yeah. now, he's got way too much baggage for me. it'd be like fucking a 10 piece set of samsonite luggage.

4. What's the last thing you stole?
your man.

5. Would you rather walk around smelling like food or smoke?
food...cuz semen IS a protein y'all.

6. If you could give yourself head would you? How often?
HELL YEAH. if i could lick my own clit i'd have permanent carpet burns on my chin.

7. If yes, would that make you a homo?
i think it'd make me one happy heffa so i could give a shit what YOU think it'd make me.

8. Is 'homo' a bad word?
is 'nigga' a bad word?

9. If you could be another race which would you be and why?
get back at me on that one after you ask that armless, legless, dickless, mute, permanently scarred, aids infested, recently blinded white guy why he wouldn't want to be a rich, successful black man with a big dick and a woman willing to take it in any orafice she's got on her body (and a few she'd have surgically created for his pleasure if requested).

10. Think of your most passionate career would you elect to have that exact job today if you had to agree that on your 60th birthday you would get what Muhammad Ali got?
dream and job don't even go together unless it's "i dream of killing everyone on my job..."

11. If you could kill someone without going to jail or having violent flashbacks or guilt, would you?
i'm willing to go to jail for life after ramming explosives up a pale, hairy ass and watching a guy disintergrate into a million presidential pieces right before my eyes. this question is moot.

12. If you could know how/when you would die would you want to know?Why?
hell yeah i want to know, cuz if i'm gonna be murdered, best believe i'm going straight to his or her house and taking him or her out first.

13. Would you want to have vision like those lights at nightclubs where you could see everything crawling on you, not just lint?
who the fuck came up with that light anyway??? how inconsequential is it to see lint on someone's clothes??? what i want is a light at a nightclub that will highlight brothas who got girlfriends and/or wives, the ones who got stds, the ones who think putting baby powder on their balls is sexy, and the ones with small penises or a distaste for eating pussy.

14. What is your philosophy on life?
life is like a don't know when, you don't know don't know how...but it's gonna fuck you eventually so you might as well keep a tube of lubrication around.

15. On death?
why yes. i was on him just last night! how'd you find that out?

16. On virginity?
what the hell IS that anyway? a girl takes it up the ass or in the mouth and she's still a virgin??
so i ain't a crackhead if i inject it instead of smoke it?

17. Which would you rather give up, TV or music?
tv. music is to me what gills are to fish. i need that shit to breathe.

18. If you could only listen to 3 songs for the rest of your life what would they be?
i can't listen to three songs for the rest of my life without killing myself.

19. Would you rather have true love or a great career?
love is for punks. give me the loot. if i'm rich, ALL love is true cuz i got the money to MAKE IT SO.

20. What scene from a movie or TV show would you love to live?
the one where i'm mrs. rocky telling him "YOU CAN'T WIN!" cuz that one scene was in four of the five rocky movies. talk about longevity.

21. Which blogger friend is most likely to lie on their taxes?
i don't know, but if they're reading this shit, i've got some tax forms i need "handled". get at me.

22. Which blogger friend is least likely to get married?
better question...why should i care?

23. If you could put your name on any book and say you wrote it what would it be?

i can do that already! this is the internet!

24. Would you rather be a crackhead or a midget?

a crackhead, cuz crack is good...especially crack that's been washed before licking.

25. Would you rather date a midget or a Nazi?
let's see...i can date a guy who i could use like a mobile self-stimulating device (midgets can fit in purses...) or i can date a guy who believed it was aiight to burn jewish it wrong for me to admit this decision was harder than i thought it'd be?

26. Would you rather burn or freeze?
if i'm a fat molecule, i'd rather burn...if i'm a genital wart, i'd rather freeze.

27. If you could beat up anyone on your list who would it be?
they know who they are.

28. Would you rather be beautiful or brilliant?
beauty fades...ugly NEVER changes. at least if i'm ugly, brotha knows not to expect much from me in the way of looks which will make it unnecessary for me to do all that girly primping shit. meanwhile, i'd be so smart i could invent a guy who can translate womanese, cook, and have a thorough knowledge of what matters.

29. Do you have a secret crush on anyone?

30. Are you currently leading someone on?
yeah, but that's his own damn fault.

For $1Million would you.......
Let Shaq kick you in the mouth?

yeah, but you betta believe i'm kicking him in the mouf, too.

Be locked in a cage with a bear for 1 minute? 2 minutes? 3 minutes?

if it's this bear i'm long as i don't grow a penis.

Chase down and bite a squirrel?
never date a man who calls his penis 'squirrel'. just take my word on that.

Eat a shit shake (human and animal)?
after eating my cooking, a shit shake might be an improvement.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

cuz no one loves you more than me...and no one ever will

part one: it could all be so simple
part two: but you'd rather make it hard
part three: loving you is like a battle
part four: and we both end up with scars


i didn't look back.

i just couldn't.

i didn't want to see the look on his face, the look in his eyes. i didn't want to be reminded of how easily affected i could be by him. i didn't want to be reminded of how easily it could be to leave with him right then, drive to a secluded parking lot, and let him fuck me the way i've dreamed of being fucked for years.

for years.

so i just kept my eyes in front of me as i walked away.

actually, it was more like i was playing like i was walking but i was really running away. my heart was beating so fast it felt like it had simply stopped beating. my breathing was rushed, my hands clammy as i gripped my clutch bag painfully, cracking my knuckles in the process. as i made my way through the closely knit throng of people, i wondered frantically if leron had decided to follow me. i glanced behind me quickly, but saw nothing but unfamiliar faces engaged in conversation around me. i walked through the doorway leading to the dance floor and headed down the stairs at a slow pace, carefully watching my foot placement on the steps to ensure i didn't trip and fall again out of nervousness, cuz this time there was no doubt about it. i was nervous.

really nervous.

candice and the girls were in the same spot they were in when i left them. seeing me, they all gathered around, aware of the fact i had left the floor with a guy unfamiliar to them.

"where da hell did you go???" asked candice, a look of concern on her face.

"and who was that you went with??" danielle questioned on the tail of candice's inquiry.

i looked from one face to the other and said nothing. candice stepped forward and looked at me more closely. she frowned at what she saw in my eyes.

"girl, what happened???" she demanded, "am i gonna have to break my heel in someone's ass?"

"no, girl, no" i replied wearily, suddenly too tired to stand, "i'm okay, really i am."

deborah, who had been standing silently to my right, finally spoke.

"girls, it's obvious nikki isn't ready to talk about whatever just went down."

they all stared at me as if waiting for me to confirm or deny deborah's claim. i sighed. it was obvious they wanted to know so i had to figure out a way to say something and nothing at the same time. i wasn't ready to talk about it.

"the long and short of it is i just saw an ex and we stepped away to talk. that's about it."

"oh shit," said danielle, her eyes wide as she took the information in, "i've been there before, sista. remember when i bumped into david a couple of months back?"

we all groaned in response, familiar with the story of danielle and david. i damn sure wasn't ready to revisit THAT particular saga, so i nipped that shit in the bud.

"yeah, that was fucked up," i said quickly, my eyes trying to adjust to the darkness in the room as i tried to locate somewhere to sit. "meanwhile, i'm tired. i'm gonna sit a couple of songs out. do ya thing. i'll be back eventually."

they all had looks of disappointment on their faces as they realized i wasn't about to satisfy their curiosity.

"okay, nikki," candice said with a warning in her voice as she watched me head towards some seating, "but you KNOW you're not gonna get away without telling us what happened, right?"

"yes, candice," i replied sarcastically, not looking back. "i know all about how stubborn your ass can be."

"lovely is the feelin' now
fever, temperatures risin' now
power (ah power) is the force the vow
that makes it happen
it asks no questions why (ooh)
so get closer (closer now) to my body now
just love me 'til you don't know how (ooh)..."

a minute later i was sitting on the far end of the dance floor, out of their sight. the dj was spinning 'pre-white and crazy' michael jackson on the turntables and everyone was folding their bodies into various forms of elation as michael demanded they 'not stop 'til they got enough'.

my feet begin moving of their own accord, recognizing the song as one of my favorites. however, even as my head followed in the footsteps of my feet, my mind refused to budge from its preoccupation with leron as i was besieged with images of the first time i danced with him.

i had been hanging with my girlfriends at frozen paradise, a popular club in atlanta at the time. leron and i had only been talking for a couple of days via telephone and were still in that "everything about you is absolutely fascinating" stage of the courtship. we'd made plans for a date on saturday, but this was friday night and he was eager to see me. I’d wanted to see him just as badly but i'd done a pretty good job of playing it really cool up until then. i should have known he would find a way to conveniently "show up" at the club completely by 'coincidence'.

frozen paradise was basically an old red lobster restaurant that had been converted into a club. its atmosphere was intimate, as the space itself was rather small, but that just encouraged folk to dance really close, which was fine by me. i loved dancing, and especially loved dancing close to a fine brotha, my body teasing his with minute touches of breasts to chest, ass to crotch, tickling breaths to skin. when leron got there, i was already on the dance floor, getting my groove on with a guy i had been flirting with since I’d sauntered through the door ten minutes prior. through the red lighting of the room, i saw him standing in a corner, watching us intently. my heart started beating double time, my dancing become even more daring as i witnessed my audience. i played like i had dismissed him in my mind, turning my attention to my dance partner. i was smilling in his face when i saw leron walk up behind the guy and just stand there, his eyes still upon me. i raised an eyebrow, unsure of what he was going to do. he made his intentions known immediately.

"that's my lady you're dancing with," leron stated loudly over the music. the guy, who'd up until that moment had only had eyes for me, turned around to see leron standing behind him. he stopped dancing and sized leron up. leron had taken on a confident but intimidating pose, his 6' frame appearing even larger as he squared his shoulders and stared the guy down. i guess the guy figured i was more trouble than i was worth cuz he stepped aside with no fanfare while my mouth dropped as leron smoothly stepped in front of me, a mischievous turn to his lips.

"you've got alot of nerve!" i exclaimed, still in shock over his bold move. i had remained dancing, a feeble attempt to cover for my confidence which had just fled with that guy's retreat from the dance floor. leron's smile grew wider as he registered the pleasure at seeing him lurking behind my surprise, his white teeth gleaming even brighter against his dark skin.

"yet you know you want to dance with me, so where's the problem?" he had yet to move other than to place his hands on my hips and pull me closer to him.

"damn leron," i said in mock annoyance at his action, "you fucking with my flow! i didn't give you permission to put your hands on me, you know."

he let go of my hips quickly, grinning sheepishly as he looked away. i saw his lips move but the music was so loud i couldn't make out what he’d said.

"what did you say???" i yelled above the music. he turned to me, his face a serious study. moving his head so that his breath was a hint of heat against the fragile skin of my ear, he repeated himself as i unsuccessfully tried to control the awareness suddenly shaking my spine, the seeds of my need falling from my limbs to plant themselves in hot spots all over my body.

"i said 'i couldn't help myself'," he murmured, dropping his head softly so that his nose hovered closely above the curve in my neck, "damn you smell good."

i shivered again.

damn you sexy as fuck.

he was wearing a powder blue polo shirt that played as a stark contrast against his beautifully chocolate skin. his jeans, loose fitting and freshly pressed, were belted at his hips. he was thick in the waist and thighs, a little pouch of a stomach visible where the ends of his shirt were tucked into his jeans. i glanced down at his whiter than white reebok shoes and made a slow perusal of his body. no, he didn't have the body of a greek god. he had the body of a real man, one i could hold onto at night, kiss and cuddle up against, a body that could handle a voluptuous sista such as myself. his body looked lived in. i wanted to move in, damnit.

oh, he'll do. he'll do nicely.

"you're right," i responded with a cool nonchalance, "you can't help yourself."

then i made a standing turn, making sure he could see my body from every angle in my form fitting strapless red sundress. "does this look like the golden corral to you?"

he shook his head slowly, his eyes having just bitten the lure, his attention now being reeled in as i continued my methodical turn.

"this ain't no 'free for all' kinda buffet," i said as i winked at him, "first you gotta have an invitation to even sit at the table. secondly, this is a delicacy one feasts upon with flawless use of the proper utensils, not grabbed and gnawed at with the manners of 'captain caveman.'"

his surprised laughter was loud and joyful, a deep sound that appeared to have come from the bowels of his soul. we stood there together laughing on the dance floor, oblivious to our surroundings. we didn't even hear the music until we noticed people around us start slow dancing. the smile was whittled away from his lips as the air around us increased in degree.

"tell me what kind of man
would treat his woman so cold
treat you like you're nothin'
when you're worth more than gold..."

the atmosphere around us thickened like gravy on a hot stove after flour's been added. it bubbled up around us, sticking to our skin in clumps of condensated liquid.

he reached for me at the same time i stepped into his arms. his chest was broad and firm beneath my cheek as i layed my head upon it. i was standing in between his legs, the position allowing for the most intimate of contact where our hips met. upon first feeling his erect dick move against my crotch i almost jumped out of my skin. i mean, it felt like a huge snake.

gawtDAMN. what the fuck does he have DOWN there? a fucking anacockda? king cumbra?
(yes, i like to amuse myself with play on words like that. sue me.)

i must not have been as discrete with my inward jumping as i thought cuz i heard him chuckling softly next to my ear.

"don't be afraid of it," he whispered slyly, "i promise you it doesn't bite."

my giggle was muffled by his shirt. his arms moved more tightly around me as he splayed the fingers from one of his hands across my back, the other hand resting on the area right above my ass.

"you better hope i don't," i quipped in response.

"ouch!" he said, a wince in his voice after hearing what i'd said. we both laughed again. we'd been standing there holding each other, not moving. we hadn't even swayed to the music yet. i lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes.

"is this how you folk dance in jacksonville?" i asked laughingly, "do you wait for the world around you to move instead?"

he smirked at me, but said nothing.


"i can't dance," he blurted out quickly, so quickly in fact i almost didn't hear what he'd said.

"what???" i asked incredulously, my eyes wide with shock as i stared up at him. he sighed loudly.

"i can't dance."

a black man who can't dance? what kind of phenomena is this? that's like having a dog who can't bark, a cat who can't meow, a president who can't tell a lie! i was speechless. perfect leron was suddenly imperfect. how da hell could i be with a guy who didn't know how to dance???

"i'm willing to try if you are, though," he said, wariness in his eyes as he noted i was still wearing the shocked expression. i schooled my face so that i had most of the shock layered beneath a look of support.

"we don't have to if you don't want to," i replied.

"no, i want to." his grin was strained. i hesitated, a skeptical look in my eye.

"are you sure?" i asked, not wanting him to feel as though i forced him into doing it. he nodded.

"yeah. let's do this."

he moved his left leg awkwardly in an attempt to try to reposition his feet. as he lifted his right leg, the side of his sneaker hit me dead in the ankle. my knees buckled as the pain shot up my leg. he was holding on to me tight, so i didn't fall.

but i damn sure yelped like a little bitch.

"OH! damn!," he burst out as he saw my face crumple in pain, "i'm so sorry!"

i almost went limp in his arms, the agony emanating from my ankle making my eyes water up.

"no! no!," i said trying to downplay my pain and his miscalculation, "i'm alright, really. i have weak ankles anyway."

i tried to laugh but it came out as a hiccup, the throbbing of my ankle having effectively squeezed out any mirth within me. he had his arm around my waist to support me as i limped my way over to one of the booths lining the floor. i plopped down in the seat, leaning over to see my ankle begin to swell, a knot forming in the exact spot where he'd mistakenly kicked it.

"damnit nikki, i'm so sorry about this," he said remorsefully from below, having bent down to his haunches to check out the damage close up. i swallowed before speaking, my tongue pressed hard against the roof of my mouth as i attempted to pull the anguish away from my voice.

"it's okay, leron." i said reassuringly, my voice only wavering a bit, "really. it's nothing. it hurts, but i'm sure my life isn't over."

that night was over fo sho, though. i couldn't even stand on my ankle without it throbbing. leron had kicked the shit out of it. he kept apologizing and i kept trying to assure him i was alright, but he didn't believe me. eventually he rounded up my girls and told them i had to go home. they weren't too happy about it, but they weren't about to let leron take me home so after mumbling amongst themselves, they made their rounds to say their goodbyes while i leaned against leron and limped my way out of the establishment. once outside in the parking lot, leron asked where we were parked. i pointed to a spot that all of a sudden seemed like a mile away from where we stood. i almost started crying again.

"you're not gonna make it all the way there," he said matter-of-factly, "i'm gonna have to carry you."

he leaned over, placed one arm behind my back and the other one in back of my knees. in one movement he had me lifted high against his chest. he started walking towards the car.

you know, in romance novels, it seems so romantic. in real life, all i could think about was the fact that i wasn't all that petite. i could break this brotha's back.

"put me down, leron!" i protested loudly, " i'm too heavy for you to be carrying like this!"

by this time my girls had exited the club and were walking towards us. it didn't take them long to catch up. i mean, leron was struggling whether he wanted to admit to it or not.

"hold up!" chevon yelled out from behind us, "you can put her down! jackie's gonna bring the car around!"

i could have sworn that brotha sighed with relief at hearing that, although he would deny it time and again throughout the relationship. he carefully placed me onto my foot and wrapped his arm around my waist to support me. we didn't say anything while jackie went to go get the car. i was too exhausted to speak and i think leron was just too embarrassed. after the car pulled up and i was carefully placed into the back seat, i closed the door and rolled down the window. leron looked genuinely hurt. my heart hurt a little for him too, although my ankle hurt a whole lot more.

i extended my arm through the window and reached for his hand.

"leron, it's really aiight," i said trying to convince him as much as i could before i left, "you might have kicked the bone out of my ankle but i still think you're sexy as hell. oh, and it doesn't hurt that you've got a big dick." i smiled and blew him a kiss as the laughter erupted from the girls in the car. he had a half grin on his face as he watched us pull off.

the date the next day had to be postponed because my mom had decided to stay over to nurse me while my ankle continued swelling. leron was apologetic about the incident for weeks afterwards. we never did get the dance thing down during our relationship. i regretted the fact he never felt confident enough to try again, although i wasn't mad at the alternative. being held close while the music vibrated around us was heavenly, too.

"this cut isn't really all that old, but this is still sexy grown folk music for us sexy grown folk!"

the notes from an acoustic guitar cut cleanly through my reverie and i was guided back into the present by the dj's voice, my body instantly on high alert as i sensed leron's presence in front of me.

"storming outside
she keeps me home
quiet conversation makes me warm

"one dance, nikki. that's all i'm asking for."

dance? you DANCE now??

i was thoroughly shocked for the second time that night.

"yes, i dance now, although i'm still not all that good." he replied to the question in my eyes, still widened in disbelief, "but i'm willing to try if you are."

he slowly extended his hand, an indistinguishable look in his eyes as waited for me to respond. i thought about how we'd never danced the whole time we were together all those years ago. i thought about how much courage it must have taken him to not only come after me but to ask me to dance when he'd always been too afraid to do so before.

i placed my hand in his and stood up. he led me through the crowd on the dance floor until we were right in the middle of everybody it seemed. then he turned to me.

he reached for me at the same time i stepped into his arms. the timing was still perfect.

as was the melding of our bodies as we held each other closely, his chest a familiar place for me to lay my head, his heart beat a remembered cadence as it played its rhythm to my ear. my arms were around his neck, my fingers teasing the hair at the nape. i felt his dick move against my crotch. leron's fingers flexed against my back in response as my nipples tightened in response to his response.

"nik, you know that's my spot. stop that unless you're prepared for the consequences," he said tightly. my hands stilled as i felt his breathing match mine in unsteadiness.

"well you know my back's one of my spots but that hasn't stopped you," i replied, my attempt at being indifferent about it immediately squashed as i felt his hands run down the length of my spine before squeezing my asscheeks softly.

"i'm more than prepared for the consequences." almost as if on cue, his dick moved against my crotch again. my toes curled in my shoes as i my clit throbbed in response.

it had been so long. soooo fucking long.

"summer rain
whispers me to sleep
and wakes me up again
sometimes I swear I hear her call my name
to wash away the pain
my summer rain..."

we still hadn't moved yet. i thought about our first dance and almost cracked the same joke i did back then. then i felt leron's leg shift a little.

before clipping the very edge of my sandal. he was a whisker away from stepping all over my foot. my giggle was again muffled in his shirt. i looked up into his eyes, silent laughter glowing from mine.

"who's nervous now?" i asked with a smirk, remembering his remark from earlier.

"ha ha," he replied, "yeah, got me."

we gathered close into each other, no words needed as we stopped moving and allowed the music to shimmer around us instead. every now and again he'd lean in close to whisper the lyrics to the song into my ear.

so go ahead and make it rain "keep it right there..."
you bring the sunshine back again "baby, keep it right there..."
so go ahead and make it rain "oh, keep it right there..."
your tender touches wash away my rain "keep it right there..."

my eyes were closed and i was hearing those words on a long ago night while we were making love. i felt his lips brush against my locks. i sighed deeply, content for the span of that moment. and that's when i realized...

we were dancing.

well...we were swaying in rhythm to the ballad, which was just as good as far as i was concerned. my smile became full blown as i kept my head against his chest. our movement as one was minimal yet major, a minute movement across space revealing miles of inner grace.

we didn't dare look at each other, just held each other tightly and swayed to the music, our bodies enflamed as they molded into each other.

just this...all i need is this and i'll be aiight.

another song played through before i peeled myself off of his body, every inch of me aware of just how vulnerable i was at that very moment.

just this night...all i need is just this night and i'll be aiight.

"in your heart, you know you want to," he said quietly, and i was reminded of him using a similar line when we'd first met. his eyes were bright as they searched my face for an emotion to assist him in persuading me. i looked at his lips and licked my own. my nipples were extra sensitive and i could feel the cream saturating my panties. my pussy was weeping for attention.

so many reasons why i should. no sex in months, nikki! MONTHS!

i crossed one leg over the other as my pussy began clearing her throat, determined to make her needs known.

"yeah, leron," i agreed, nodding slowly even as my eyes held regret, "i think part of it is my heart speaking, but most of itis my body speaking. the one place we never had a problem was in the bedroom."

"what we had was good, nikki." he said as he intertwined his fingers through mine. we were still standing close, which was fucking with my senses.

"it was good at one time, leron. i loved you so much back then. you were my first in so many ways, both good and bad. from you i figure out what i wanted and didn't want in the guy i wanted to share my life with."

leron stood there silently, waiting for me to continue.

"i still love you, leron. i love you for all of the wonderful memories you've given me to look back on and cherish. i love you for being who you were which allowed me to grow into the woman i am now. i love you for loving me back then. i grew up in your arms. i'll always love you for the part you played in my life, but i also remember hating you."

this time it was me holding his hand more tightly as i spoke.

"i hated you for lying to me when you knew you didn't have to. i hated you for not standing up to your mother when she called me a snobby bitch for not loaning her money whenever she asked me for it. i hated you for not calling out your sisters when they stole from me. i hated you for making decisions you knew could fuck up what we had, yet you made them anyway."

i brought his hand up to my lips, kissing the knuckles softly.

"i don't hate you anymore leron," i whispered as i felt my eyes burning, "but there was alot of hate there and it ate through alot of that love and left me full of emotional holes i'm still trying to fill. i can't be with you when i'm still healing from being with you."

he had yet to say a word. i saw the hurt reflecting in his eyes throughout my speech, but he never interrupted. he just looked at me intensely, like he was trying to tell me something with his eyes. i didn't want to figure out what he was saying. i was emotionally drained and just wanted to go home.

"i gotta go. i'm tired."

i leaned in close, got on my tippy toes, and kissed him softly on the lips.

"bye, love."

and then i turned and walked away from him for the second time that night, only this time my knees didn't buckle.

that following monday i got a call from my mom at work. i knew something bad had happened cuz mom never calls me at work unless it's an emergency.

"what's wrong, mom???," i asked frantically,"is something wrong with aswad? somai? dad? granny??"

"no, no, no," she interrupted me impatiently, "you've got mail here at the house."

i paused.

"is it another letter from the irs?"

"no, it's worse than that" she replied sarcastically, "it's a letter from leron."


Monday, April 17, 2006

i got fucking JACKED

so i'm redoing the conclusion today because the first version was crappy (i.e., done at about 4 a.m. after a couple of drinks and little sleep). i've got the finishing touches on the damn thing and am reminded i have a meeting in a couple of minutes. i fucking HATE meetings.

anyway, i step away from my computer and am in a meeting for about an hour and a half. first off, that meeting was as dry as an old woman's twat (pre-invent of 'vaginal moisture in a tube'). it was a complete waste of my fucking time.

i get back and notice my computer has been restarted. WHAT THE FUCK??? turns out my computer will restart itself without any instruction from me if there are new updates for windows to download.

four hours writing? down the fucking DRAIN. i knew before i even logged onto blogger that i was gonna be fucked and sure enough, the last draft saved was basically the fucking beginning i re-started yesterday.

people, i'm totally discouraged now. you know i'm gonna re-do it, but it just won't be the same. i feel like i'm being asked to re-use a condom or something. it just feels WRONG.

oh, and bill gates...if you out there? FUCK YOU for putting out a product that can hijack a person's shit without them even being able to do a damn thing about it!

Friday, April 14, 2006

and we both end up with scars...

part one: it could all be so simple
part two: but you'd rather make it hard
part three: loving you is like a battle


"i've been really tryin , baby
tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
and if you feel, like I feel baby
come on, oh! come on..."

marvin's sultry voice saturated the air with his sensual pleas as the crowd around us gathered closer to each other, couples pseudo-copulating on the dance floor. i would have been enthralled with the image, but i was lost in thought. i was trying to grasp what leron had just told me.

he was divorced. that meant he was single. but what did that mean to me?

"EX-wife?" i replied as i tried to tamper down my what...shock? enthusiasm? happiness? disappointment? shit, i wasn't even sure at that point.

he nodded slowly, his eyes still holding my gaze.

"yeah," he responded matter-of-factly, "we've been divorced for three years now."

i looked at him skeptically, my arms crossing my chest. i wanted to believe him, but atlanta men are scandalous. they take off their wedding rings and tell sistas they're not married even if they've got a wife and kids waiting for them to leave the club and bring their asses home. it ain't until a sista gets a call from an irate wife that she realizes she's been duped. experience had taught me not to accept what a brotha says just cuz he says it.

leron must have realized i was unsure of whether or not to believe him. stepping forward, he grabbed my hand.

"we need to talk."

he laced his fingers through mine and tugged on my arm, propelling me to follow him through the tighly packed crowd.

"We're all sensitive people
With so much to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be here
Lets live, I love you..."

do i still love you?

as he led me up the stairs i tried to analyze how i was feeling at that moment. his hand held mine just as firm yet gentle as i remembered him holding me close to him late at night when we used to lay on the back porch and look up at the stars, making up new stories for the constellations we viewed in the sky. our limbs would be woven into each other, our bodies touching from heads to toes, our hearts beating the same rhythm as we lay there in the darkness, conjuring dreams.

i stared at his back, broad beneath his dark blue dress shirt, and remember kissing my way down to the curve of his ass before turning him over and slowly taking his dick into my mouth, right down to his pubic hair. i could still hear his strangled moan as he ejaculated into my mouth while i continued to suck him until i'd swallowed every last drop from him.


is it just me or is it really hot in here??

i wiped off the sweat trickling from my brow and licked my dry lips, my mind lost in the memories.

my woolgathering took my attention away from where i was walking. i slipped on the edge of a step and fell forward, my head smacking leron in the back right before i fell to my knees on the ground.

"SHIT!" i exclaimed as i felt the carpet burn the flesh on my knees. leron, having regained his balance quickly, turned around and lowered himself until he was sitting back on his haunches. he reached for my arms, a look of concern on his face.

"you aiight, nik?"

HELL no!

at this point i was half sprawled on the carpet, ass in the air (in a short mini-skirt no less), with only one shoe on as the other one had been flipped from my foot and was now tumbling its way down to the dance floor below. i was breathing heavily and my face burned with embarrassment. i averted my face so he wouldn't see the wounded look in my eyes as i leaned on him to pull myself up from the ground.

i heard him chuckling softly above me.

"so," he stated with a smile in his voice, "you must be really nervous."

i was looking around for my other shoe as i responded.

"what makes you think i'm nervous?" i asked with a faux airiness to my tone.

a female had my shoe in her hand and was stepping up to bring it to me. i limped my way down the steps to meet her halfway. leron followed, his hand lightly caressing the small of my back in that familiar soothing manner.

"cuz you always used to trip over stuff when you were nervous."

he REMEMBERS that?

slipping my foot into the shoe i turned to stare at him, the surprise in my look barely concealed even in the low lighting. he grabbed my hand again and leaned in to murmur softly into my ear.

"i remember everything about you, nikki."

then he kissed my earlobe lightly, his lips lingering tenderly on my skin as the sound of his breath escalated in volume and speed in my ear. when he pulled back, i looked into his eyes and immediately recognized what i saw there.

it was yearning.

oh SHIT.

the inner turmoil returned.

he grabbed my hand again and we made our way up the steps. once we reached the landing, he led me to stand in front of one of the enclaves located in the outside corridor. there was a couple already sitting down on the seating inside of it. he must have known who was in there, because he bent over and said something to the guy. the guy glanced at me, dawning surprise then recognition in his eyes. he turned his attention to leron, gave a subtle nod, then stood up smoothly, grabbing his lady's hand as they walked away. i was perplexed.

"who was he and what did you say to him??"

leron was already sitting down as he gently tugged my arm, imploring me to sit next to him.

"that's my boy rick and i told him you were the nikki."

"what do you mean by the nikki?"

i was seated next to him in a small space that seemed to shrink in dimension with each passing second. he hesitated before answering.

"the nikki i told him was the love of my life."

i was officially speechless. i mean the hell was i supposed to respond to that? i could downplay the statement, but frankly, there was a part of me that felt really good about being the love of someone's life, especially someone i remembered loving more than i had ever loved anyone else before him...or after him.

do you still love me?

why the fuck do i need to know that???

"you can't mean that, leron," i whispered disbelievingly, "especially not after 'the incident'."

'the incident' being him walking in on me fucking another guy. we were broken up by that point, but i knew he was intent on getting back together after he got out of prison. instead, the day of his release from prison he comes to my house to find me getting fucked doggie style by another guy. i couldn't see how he could get past that. shit, I couldn't get past that. after that day we never spoke again about what happened. in fact, we didn't speak again until that night almost a year later when he told me he was getting married.

leron reached for my hands and turned me to face him, his fingers feather light as they rubbed the backs of my fingers. he took in a deep breath before he spoke, his head down as i felt him searching for the right words to say.

"i have to admit what i saw hurt me deeply," he said, his eyes looking away quickly although i could still see the remembered hurt reflecting within them. then he was focused solely on me, a bright intensity shining from his eyes.

"that shit really, really hurt, nikki. it hurt because i never thought i'd see you with another man, especially like that. it hurt because i knew it was my fault i had lost you. it hurt because i hurt you. i hurt you enough so that you felt you had to leave me in order for your hurting to stop."

that enclave could have been in the middle of a deserted island because the silence ascending around us blocked out all other sound. again i found myself searching for the words to say in response to him, but i was drawing a blank. my mind was too occupied with the task of trying to figure out why my heart was beating so fast, why my breath kept catching every so often, why every inch of me was fighting the need to be threaded through every inch of him.

and then there was no need for words. we were leaning into each other, our heads moving closer...closer...

our eyes closing slowly...

our breaths coming quickly...

our pulses pounding faster...

our lips a whisper away from meeting softly...




i didn't even realize i had brought my hand up to stop the kiss until i felt his lips beneath my fingers.

so soft...

i shivered.

he ignored my declaration as he opened his mouth and ran his tongue along the sides of my fingers, his brown eyes darkening into another look i remembered only too well.

he wants me...

he took the middle one into his mouth, suckling on it, nibbling it, curling his tongue around it. his eyes were speaking to me.

this could be your neck...your nipples...your clit...every inch of you...


i yanked my finger from his mouth, frustrated at my inability to control myself around him.

"leron," i exclaimed hoarsely, my body betraying me even as i tried to play like i was unaffected, "WE.CAN'T.DO.THIS."

"why not, nikki?" he asked, his voice just as hoarse as mine was as he looked at me with a plea in his eyes, "why the fuck not???"

"because i'm still in a relationship with someone."

he stared at me intently, the plea still showing in his eyes. after a minute, he spoke.

"are you happy?" he asked quietly, "do you love him?"

i witnessed the questioning look in his eyes as i debated how much i should reveal to him. do i tell him the relationship is over and we're basically just living as roommates at this point? do i tell him i haven't had sex in almost six months? do i tell him i haven't loved anyone the way i loved him when we were together?


instead i kept it as brief as possible.

"the relationship is ending, but i'll need time to get myself together before i jump into another one."

more silence. we sat there staring at each other, trying to read the other's mind, trying to get a glimpse into what the other was feeling. finally, leron spoke.

"so there's still a chance for us, then."

i sighed and closed my eyes, savoring the feelings i experienced in those brief moments. i thought about the woman i was when we were together. the naive young woman who fell in love with him. the timid young woman too afraid to demand that her wants be acknowledged. the insecure young woman who relied to much on others and not enough upon herself.

the young woman who no longer existed.

that young woman was a part of my past. i had to keep her there, which meant i had to keep leron there, too.

because it was then, i knew.

in my heart i knew this wasn't about beginnings, this was about endings and beginnings. the ending of the ideal fantasy i had in my mind about my relationship with leron and the beginning of my reality as a woman who was no longer afraid to be strong, independent, and outspoken, sure in the knowledge someone out there would come to love me for the woman i am right now.

this was about letting leron go so i could continue to grow.

i squared my shoulders and looked deeply into his eyes.

"no, leron," i answered, even as i felt my heart protest, "there is no hope for us. i'm a different person now."

i stood quickly, afraid that if i didn't walk away at that very moment, i wouldn't walk away. we stared at each other as the words neither of us spoke were transmitted between us instead.

i'm sorry...

don't leave...
i have to...

please stay...
please let me go...

"good-bye, leron."

i turned away from him and walked away, my knees buckling slightly as i realized i wasn't leaving unscathed.

next installment: no one loves you more than me...and no one ever will... (yeah, i know i skipped a few lines...sue me, damnit)

conclusion, pt. 2

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

loving you is like a battle...

part one: it could all be so simple
part two: but you'd rather make it hard

my view remained pitch black as i kept my eyes closed. the crowd started screaming loudly around me as the first sounds of a classic party tune came blasting through the speakers...

"whoa, whoa...ho..."

shit shit shit! not this song and not right now cuz right now i was being assaulted by the memories brought on from the brotha standing in front of me. i could feel his heat enshrouding me, his body so close to mine his breath fell like feathers being drawn across my skin.

"you made me happy
this you can bet
you stood right beside me, yeah
and I won't forget..."

won't forget...

"and i really love you
you should know
i wanna make sure i'm right, girl
before I let go..."

was the dj in on this or something???

"nik," leron whispered closely into my ear, "open your eyes."

i opened them hesitantly, still afraid of what i'd see in front of me. the darkly lit room cast his face in shadow so that i couldn't make out his features completely. it mattered not as my mind's eye painted an abstract illustration of how i remembered him. he was a midnight moment of making love on a beach beneath a half moon. his skin was a starless sky, dark and smooth and unblemished. his smile was the arc of a partially exposed moon, dipping sensually to expose the bright whiteness of his teeth. his body was the sand, inviting me to lay upon of him, sink myself into him, every pore of my being thoroughly invaded by him so that long after i left him i'd see evidence of his presence in the occasional grain of him found still clinging to my form.

i looked up into his eyes.

eyes that no longer held love for me within them. or did they? i looked deeply into them. something was there, but surely it couldn't be...not after everything that had happened between us.

i could feel my insides tightening as he held my stare for what seemed like forever. finally, i spoke.

"you still wear eternity," i croaked. shit! my mouth had gone bone dry. he leaned his head in closer, so close i could see the individual hairs in his goatee.

"what did you say?" he murmured softly. he had yet to break eye contact. i floundered a bit, unsure of whether or not i should repeat myself.

"you still wear eternity," i replied after clearing my throat of the lump sitting in it. his half-smile widened, his eyes glazed with knowing as he nodded slowly.

"it's my second favorite scent."

i squinted at him as i digested the words. second favorite? what's the first? did he find a scent more meaningful to him than the one i gave him? i grew jealous against my better judgment.

"want to guess what my favorite scent is?" he asked me coyly. i could see where this conversation was headed and i battled to prevent it from going there. needless to say, i lost that battle. i played along.

"what, the smell of newly cut grass?" i asked, nonplussed. his chuckle was low, mirth twinkling in his eye as he leaned in again to whisper in my ear.

"how about the smell of your recently fucked ass?"

the laugh escaped my lips before i could catch it. leron had always been good with the come backs to my sarcasm. it was one of the things i used to love about him. i giggled at his quip before sobering quickly as i remembered the last time we saw each other eight years prior.

we'd been broken up for about a year and had already moved on to other relationships. i had just suffered a miscarriage and was extremely depressed. when the doorbell rang, i almost didn't answer it. i wasn't ready for company. the doorbell kept ringing incessantly and i realized whoever was at the door wasn't about to leave. i gritted my teeth before making my way slowly to the door.

i looked into the peephole and saw him standing in front of the door. my mouth dropped in shock. i turned away, my mind bouncing wildly.

LERON??? what's he doing HERE?

i looked into the peephole again to make sure it was him. it was him and then it wasn't him. the brotha standing there wasn't the leron i remembered from our break-up. this guy looked healthy, looked happy...looked better than he ever did when we'd been together. obviously someone else's love had been better for him than mine had been. i instantly became more depressed.

i straighted my t-shirt and nervously ran my suddenly clammy hands down the front of my shorts before opening the door. upon seeing me, his face lit up as a huge smile formed on his face.

"wassup." he said, his voice just as low and sensual as ever. he stepped over the threshold and took me into his arms, hugging me tightly.

"how you been doing?" he said with a smile as he stepped back and took me in from head to toe.

i forced a fake smile onto my face as i replied.

"i'm doing great!"

he started staring at me more intensely, boring through my eyes in search of the truth i was unwilling to reveal. i dropped my gaze to avoid the intrusion but it didn't work.

"no you're not," he responded after a minute, "something's wrong."

reaching for my hand, leron clasped it within his and pulled me out of the door onto the front porch. it was a hot summer day in july, the humidity so thick i felt like i was wearing it as a second layer of clothing. we sat down on the shaded front steps and he turned towards me.

"so what's really going on, nik?"

i noticed then he still had my hand in his. i tried to pull it away but he just tightened his grip. i remained silent, unwilling to lie to him but even more unwilling to tell him the truth. i mean, what do i say to him? oh yeah...i just lost the baby i was carrying from the guy i started dating after you...

"nik," he spoke quietly, "i'm not leaving here until you tell me what's wrong. i know you stubborn 'n shit, but you know i can wait you out."

he watched me intently, waiting for me to speak. i was staring at the brick stairs when i finally answered him five minutes later.

"i suffered a miscarriage a month ago." the confession came out in a watery rush as i struggled for control. the tears were burning my eyes as i lowered my head so he couldn't see them gathering. he said nothing. he just moved closer to me, wrapped his arms around me, and held me close. that simple gesture was enough for me to start crying freely. i layed my head upon his chest and started bawling loudly. until then, i had been too afraid to cry for my loss. i'd been too afraid that if i'd started crying, i'd never stop. in his arms i found the courage to let the tears go. he remained there with me as i soaked his shirt with tears and snot, the only words from his mouth being whispered endearments meant to sooth me as he softly ran his hands down my back.

by the time i had stopped crying, the sun was low on the horizon, leaving coral streaks across the sky. i slowly lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. what i saw there made my heart stop, then start again. our faces moved towards each other with the ease of familiar lovers, our lips meeting in the middle. i was suffused in heat as our mouths opened simutaneously and our tongues curled together in a dance we both remembered the steps to. the kiss escalated as we tightened our hold around each other and he thrust his tongue more deeply down my throat. he leaned me back so that we were laying on the porch, my legs spread as he fitted himself between them, grinding his erection into my pussy. we were both gasping for air as we continued kissing each other frantically, our hands grasping and releasing against each other's bodies, our pelvises seeking a closer contact through our clothing. his arm lifted me at the waist so that my breasts were arched beneath him. he suckled them through my t-shirt, biting my nipples until the white cotton clung like a second skin to them. i pulled him back to me, my mouth hungrily taking from him what i could get. i was mindless as my body moved of its own accord across his terrain i remembered loving so well.

this is just like it used to be...

this could be again...

we totally lost track of time and space, lost in the feelings both old and new flourishing between us, reveling in the knowing of each other's bodies, desperately seeking to re-connect what had been disconnected. by the time we came up for air, his dick had been released from his shorts and my t-shirt and bra lay in a heap on top of the shrub next to the porch. that's when i remembered my boyfriend. i weakly tried to push leron off of me.

"we gotta stop," i said, my chest heaving as i tried to collect a semblance of sanity along with a breath of air. i looked at him pleadingly.

tell me we don't have to stop...
tell me you don't want to stop...

after a moment of staring at each other, breathing heavily as we witnessed the havoc we'd wreaked upon each other's bodies, he finally nodded.

"yeah," he replied breathlessly as he looked longingly at my exposed breasts. he pulled away from me reluctantly, "yeah...we gotta stop."

i tucked in my disappointment behind my common sense. i knew i wasn't supposed to be doing that with him, but it was leron. when it came to him, my heart won all skirmishes when faced in battle against my brain.

the bricks from the porch were digging into my back as i lifted myself from my prone position. my body ached from both the hard surface of the porch and the unrequited desire throbbing through me as i sluggishly reached over the railing for my bra and t-shirt. slipping my arms through the bra straps i turned to him.

and groaned loudly in frustration.

his dick was still erect and saluting me. i winced as i saw it move in response to the knowledge i was staring at it. i glanced up at his face and saw he was just as disappointed about the turn of events as i was.

"leron," i said almost in a whine, "you gotta put that thing away. i'm not sure what i'll do if you keep it out like that."

he started smiling as i glanced at his dick. now the damn thing was bobbing in front of me, almost like it was nodding in approval of the thoughts swimming in my head. i shook off the images already forming of us naked, limbs entertwined as we made love right there on the porch.

"i have a boyfriend," i said forcefully, trying to convince myself that it really, really mattered.

"yes," he responded as he reached for his dick and put it into his shorts. i hooked my bra and put on my t-shirt, looking at him the whole time while he straightened himself up. i could still make out the form of his erection. i groaned, inwardly this time.

i have a boyfriend

i have a boyfriend

i have a boyfriend...

afterwards, we remained on the porch, keeping a safe distance between us. it was then i remembered the fact he'd showed up to my house unannounced after a year of no contact.

"leron," i started, a question in my voice, "why did you come by? we haven't seen each other in almost a year. is everything aiight?"

he inhaled deeply and held his breath, his eyes averted from mine. i knew that move. i'd seen it plenty of times before when he was about to give me some bad news.

oh shit, this can't be good...

after he loudly exhaled, he turned to me, a sheepish look on his face.

"well..." he began in a drawn out way.

"well what?" i interrupted impatiently, dreading what he was about to tell me.

"i didn't want you to hear this from someone else."

"hear what???" i was beginning to panic at this point. was he about to tell me he had aids or something???

he hesitated a moment, deep in thought. then he turned to me and captured my gaze with his.

"i'm gonna be a father."

i gasped and put my hands over my mouth, a confusing mixture of happiness and horror churning through me. i battled with both emotions. on the one hand, i should have been happy for him. he'd moved on and was starting a family. yet i couldn't help but think about the fact that i'd just lost a baby. he was gonna be a father...but not of my child. the pain pierced through me as horror won the battle.

so again i tried to fake being happy.

"that's wonderful, leron!" my voice cracked, almost as if it was in protest against having to say the words.

he just stared at me and said nothing. i knew he knew i was faking it, but neither of us made mention of it. the situation had become awkward enough. the silence reigned for a minute before i spoke again.

"so, do plan on doing right by the baby, right?"

i mean, i'd still take you back even if you do have a baby momma.

"yeah, i do." he replied.

a wary look crept into his eyes. a wary feeling crept into my bones as i saw his lips move.

"i'm getting married."

that statement hurt me so much that night long ago. after he'd left, i was crying again, this time for the hope that never had enough time to live within me. the hope that he and i might get back together.

"we were so close
i love your charm, ooh
i can understand it, no
where did we go wrong..."

frankie beverly had taken on the role of speaking for my heart. i was no longer laughing as i stepped back from leron, frowning as i looked up into his eyes.

"how's your wife, leron?" i asked. actually, it was more like a demand. i was establishing the boundaries early. he cocked an eyebrow as he noticed my attempt to put him at a distance.

"you mean my ex-wife?" he asked smoothly.


oh shit...

this could be again...

tomorrow's installment: and we both end up with scars

the conclusion???

we interrupt our regularly scheduled program...

june pointer has died of cancer.

shit. i loved and still love the pointer sisters. she was the one who always looked the wildest, but that's cuz she was always so excited.

i loved her vivacious spirit and infinite energy. her voice was as strong and beautiful as she was. she will be missed.


yeah, i'm still writing it. LOL

third part coming this afternoon/evening

i haven't been able to finish it yet. it's been a rather difficult task of putting what happened on saturday to paper (or in this case, to blog). i will finish it up by later today, though. just letting you know so you (namely CHELE) won't be all up in my ass. LOL

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

but you'd rather make it hard...

pt.1: it could all be so simple...

i closed my eyes.

maybe he's not really here.

i inhaled slowly in a vain attempt to calm my nerves. the lavender and amber notes of his cologne invaded my nostrils and spread throughout my being as i remembered the familiar scent.

he still wears eternity?

i thought back to the night i gave him his first bottle of that cologne. until then brotha hadn't worn anything other than the smell of jergens soap and flamebroiled burgers. earlier that day i had walked through macy's at lenox mall looking for some lipstick and became captivated by the scents wafting around me from the men's cologne section. i'm a sucker for smell goods, so i'd gone over there just to sniff around and fantasize about the various places i could splash the colognes on leron. the saleswoman was so effective though, i ended up abandoning the task of purchasing lipstick for the more important one of buying my man some eternity cologne by calvin klein.

when leron got home from work that night, he walked into the bedroom to find candles lit everywhere and me naked and sitting upright on the bed, a stack of pillows behind my back. my legs were spread and bent so that my kneecaps faced the ceiling. i was grinning broadly as his eyes widened at the scene before him, slowly devouring each inch of my form as his eyes went from my erect nipples to my stomach to the dark patch of pubic hair at the juncture where my thighs the small bottle of cologne nestled up against my pussy.

"this cologne smells heavenly," i purred softly with a mischievous grin on my face, "but it doesn't smell half has good as my pussy tastes."

then i slowly trailed my finger down my body, grabbed the bottle, and rubbed it against my pussy lips until the top of it glistened wet in the candlelight. i brought the bottle to my mouth, stuck my tongue out, and swirled it slowly around the top until i had licked it dry. the whole time i never took my eyes off of him.

"mmmmm," i said with a wink, "i was right...not nearly as good."

his mouth dropped as he looked at what i'd just done. then he frantically started undressing, tearing the clothes from his body like a madman.

"i'm about to fuck the SHIT out of you RIGHT NOW," he said as he flung his clothes all over the room. once he was naked he tried to make a running leap for the bed...and tripped over his shoes before falling face first onto the side of the mattress. i yelped as i saw his body slide to the floor below.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" i howled as i peered over the mattress and saw him sprawled on the floor. i was still laughing hard when he slipped once as he tried to get up onto the bed. i grabbed for my stomach as the tears started falling from my eyes. i couldn't stop laughing. he looked so cute as he made a couple of attempts to jump onto the bed before flopping with frustration onto the floor.

"baby..." i squealed in between giggles, "if you take off your socks, you won't slip!"

he looked up at me perched over the bed. he frowned.

"nik, you know i don't take off my socks for NOBODY. not even YOU."

i shook my head in disbelief. we'd been together for SIX MONTHS at that point and i'd yet to see a brotha's feet. yeah, he even made love to me with the damn socks on. in fact, the only time he ever had his socks off in front of me was when we took showers together. i remembered trying to get a peek at his feet through the sheets of water beating against my face. i never got more than a blurred image of them. afterwards, he'd wait until i got out of the bathroom before he exited the tub. by the time he'd reached the bedroom, his socks were on his feet.

i'd begun to wonder if the boy had missing toes or something.

"but baby" i responded to his stubborness that night, the laughter and incredulity vibrating through my voice, "we've been together for six months! how long do you think you can go without showing me your feet???"

"as long as necessary," he answered defiantly, a bit breathless as he again tried to get up and hop onto the bed. i grabbed his arm and helped him up as the socks slipped once again on the carpet. he finally fell heavily across the bed, his head facedown in my lap.

his voice was muffled as he spoke again.

"nik, this bottle smells good. what is it?"

i giggled again as i felt his lips move against my vagina.

"it's eternity for men."

"this is for me?" he asked as he turned his head swiftly to look up into my eyes. i placed my hands on his head and started massaging his scalp.

"yes, beloved," i answered quietly, my gaze intently on him as i watched his eyes close and his head still so i could continue massaging. i could have sworn i heard that man purr like a kitten.

after a few more minutes of me massaging his scalp he opened his eyes and reached for me. taking my face into his hands, he brought it down to his and kissed my lips softly.

"you know what, nikki?"

"what, boo?"

"you always make me feel like i'm loved. i've never felt so loved before." he was staring deeply into my eyes as he said it. i was speechless. what does a sista say in response to that?

"i love you, leron."

my hands cradled his face as our eyes locked. i tried staring into his as deeply as he was staring into mine but i got self-conscious quickly and turned away. i felt like he was seeing just a bit too much of my soul.

he grabbed my chin with his fingertips and turned my face back towards him.

"i love you too, nikki."

then he did the most amazing thing.

he sat upright, reached for his feet, and pulled off his socks.

his feet were a lighter shade of brown than the rest of his body and very ashy in the flickering candlelight, the crust on the heels so thick i wondered silently if he knew he was supposed to scrape off the dead skin every now and again. he had all of his toes, but the nails were brown and flaking. what was that about?

"i've got a nailbed infection," he responded to my silent inquiry, "i've had it since i played football in high school."

i glanced at his feet once more before i leaned over, kissed him on the cheek, and jumped off the bed.

"where you going??" he asked my fleeting form.

"i'll be right back," i yelled over my shoulder.

i came back five minutes later with a bucket filled with warm, soapy water. i'd grabbed my pedicure tools and had them in my hand as i walked to the side of the bed. i placed the bucket next to the bed.

"put your feet in here," i commanded.

"what are you about to do???" he asked, a skeptical look on his face.

i dropped to my knees on the floor and placed the pedicure tools next to me, a smirk on my face as i glanced up at him.

"i'm gonna give you a pedicure, of course."

his eyes grew wide as he stared at me.

"what??" he responded incredulously.

"i said i'm giving you a pedicure." i placed my hands on my hips for emphasis.

"men don't get pedicures!" he exclaimed.

i sighed and rolled my eyes at him. does this brotha have to make EVERYTHING a fucking battle???

"baby...," i started with deliberate enunciation, "just let me do this for you, please?"

we stared each other down, a battle of wills over the most ridiculous of things. i mean, i was trying to pamper the brotha and he was caught up in the 'non-masculineness' of the action. utterly ridiculous. after a minute of the staring battle, he finally relented, swinging his feet over and dumping them into the bucket. water sloshed over the edges and soaked the surrounding carpet. i rolled my eyes again.

"don't go painting my toenails or anything crazy like that," he mumbled.

i just shook my head.

"let your feet soak for about ten minutes," i instructed. " in the meanwhile..."

i reached for his dick and slowly started stroking it with my wet hands. i leaned forward and took the head into my mouth. i figured it was the only way to distract him from the fact he had to leave his feet in a bucket of water for ten minutes.

five minutes later, he was struggling to keep his feet in the bucket as he convulsed uncontrollably, his hips arching as his dick expanded and exploded in my mouth. the cum slid down my throat and i swallowed it quickly as i heard him moaning above me.

"OUCH!" he yelled in anguish.

"what?!?" i asked frantically, "did i hurt something???"

he reached down and grabbed one of his calves, rubbing it feverishly.

"charlyhorse," he gasped, the pain shadowed in his voice.

i started laughing again as i assisted him in rubbing out the cramp in his calf. minutes later, i was sitting flat on the floor with his foot in my lap as i scrapped off the dead skin, trimmed and buffed the nails, and massaged peppermint lotion into the toes and heel. i repeated the actions to the other foot.

his feet looked almost brand new when i was finished. he was impressed.

"i gotta admit," he said in wonder as he looked down at his feet and flexed his toes, "my feet look and feel AMAZING!"

i gave him the cheesy grin as i grabbed the bucket and tools and went to the bathroom. after dumping the contents of the bucket into the toilet, i put up the tools and stepped back into the room.

his skin was chocolate gold in the candlelight as he lay across the bed, his hard dick in his hand as he stroked it slowly.

i raised an eyebrow.

"you ain't off the hook, woman," he said slyly, "i'm still gonna fuck the shit out of you."

he made love to me that night for the first time with his socks off.

the next day i went to the drug store and after some questions to the pharmacist, bought leron some over the counter medication for his nailbed infection. when i gave it to him later that night, he looked like he was gonna cry.

instead, he made love to me for the second night with his socks off. he never again wore socks in bed. in fact, from that moment on he rarely wore his socks on when we were in the house together. it was like the brotha's toes had been set free. he was looking for a reason to walk around barefoot. we made up for lost time, playing footsies, massaging each other's feet as we watched television together, sucking on toes during sex. it was all good from that point.

i was remembering it all as i stood there in front of leron with my eyes closed, trying to wish him away.


standing in front of me.

looking at me with the same look he'd had in his eyes when we first met.

you know, THAT look.


the brotha i spent three years of my life loving and hating...but mostly loving.


the first guy i ever shared my home with, my bed with, my heart with.


the first guy to share with me his dreams, his doubts, his fears...his feet.


the first guy i actually felt i couldn't live without.


the first guy to tell me i broke his heart when we broke up.


what the fuck was he doing HERE???

tomorrow's installment: loving you is like a battle...