Friday, April 28, 2006

get lifted.

this post is very necessary. i write this because there are times when i am not at my best. times when i allow my own issues to ruin the opportunity to be blessed with the beauty of sistahood. i must post this apology in order to rid my soul of a burden.

dear sista,

i am a hypocrite.

when i should have been praising the beauty of your soul i was quietly cursing it. inside, my fear of your brilliance, your power, made me hate you. instead of wanting to uplift you, i wanted to expose all of your flaws so that mine would appear smaller to him. when i should have been encouraging you to grow, i was instead hoping you would flounder so that he would see you for the weakling i wanted you to be.

but i know better now.

and i have to apologize for my behavior.

because i allowed my own insecurities and self-doubt to destroy a potential bond between sisters. i allowed my desire to control all outcomes to cause the loss of a friend i never even got to have. it ain't easy to admit i've been less than stellar in action and behavior. i would like to think i get it right most of the time.

but when i fuck that shit up, it's important that i acknowledge that shit, too.

cuz there is no possible way for me to grow into the person i want to be (and am hopefully becoming) if i'm lying through omission, saying one thing and thinking another, wishing ill will for you and yours, and all of this because of my own feelings of inadequacy. in other words, all that talk about how back-stabbing sistas can be...was basically a conversation about me, the back-stabbing heffa. ain't that a bitch?

so i won't get preachy here. it comes down to this. i know there is no way i can create a significant connection with anybody until i get right with myself and there is no such thing as honesty if i don't feel it in my heart when i speak it. therefore, i will only speak from my heart from now on.

and with this release, my soul feels lighter.