Wednesday, April 12, 2006

loving you is like a battle...

part one: it could all be so simple
part two: but you'd rather make it hard

my view remained pitch black as i kept my eyes closed. the crowd started screaming loudly around me as the first sounds of a classic party tune came blasting through the speakers...

"whoa, whoa...ho..."

shit shit shit! not this song and not right now cuz right now i was being assaulted by the memories brought on from the brotha standing in front of me. i could feel his heat enshrouding me, his body so close to mine his breath fell like feathers being drawn across my skin.

"you made me happy
this you can bet
you stood right beside me, yeah
and I won't forget..."

won't forget...

"and i really love you
you should know
i wanna make sure i'm right, girl
before I let go..."

was the dj in on this or something???

"nik," leron whispered closely into my ear, "open your eyes."

i opened them hesitantly, still afraid of what i'd see in front of me. the darkly lit room cast his face in shadow so that i couldn't make out his features completely. it mattered not as my mind's eye painted an abstract illustration of how i remembered him. he was a midnight moment of making love on a beach beneath a half moon. his skin was a starless sky, dark and smooth and unblemished. his smile was the arc of a partially exposed moon, dipping sensually to expose the bright whiteness of his teeth. his body was the sand, inviting me to lay upon of him, sink myself into him, every pore of my being thoroughly invaded by him so that long after i left him i'd see evidence of his presence in the occasional grain of him found still clinging to my form.

i looked up into his eyes.

eyes that no longer held love for me within them. or did they? i looked deeply into them. something was there, but surely it couldn't be...not after everything that had happened between us.

i could feel my insides tightening as he held my stare for what seemed like forever. finally, i spoke.

"you still wear eternity," i croaked. shit! my mouth had gone bone dry. he leaned his head in closer, so close i could see the individual hairs in his goatee.

"what did you say?" he murmured softly. he had yet to break eye contact. i floundered a bit, unsure of whether or not i should repeat myself.

"you still wear eternity," i replied after clearing my throat of the lump sitting in it. his half-smile widened, his eyes glazed with knowing as he nodded slowly.

"it's my second favorite scent."

i squinted at him as i digested the words. second favorite? what's the first? did he find a scent more meaningful to him than the one i gave him? i grew jealous against my better judgment.

"want to guess what my favorite scent is?" he asked me coyly. i could see where this conversation was headed and i battled to prevent it from going there. needless to say, i lost that battle. i played along.

"what, the smell of newly cut grass?" i asked, nonplussed. his chuckle was low, mirth twinkling in his eye as he leaned in again to whisper in my ear.

"how about the smell of your recently fucked ass?"

the laugh escaped my lips before i could catch it. leron had always been good with the come backs to my sarcasm. it was one of the things i used to love about him. i giggled at his quip before sobering quickly as i remembered the last time we saw each other eight years prior.

we'd been broken up for about a year and had already moved on to other relationships. i had just suffered a miscarriage and was extremely depressed. when the doorbell rang, i almost didn't answer it. i wasn't ready for company. the doorbell kept ringing incessantly and i realized whoever was at the door wasn't about to leave. i gritted my teeth before making my way slowly to the door.

i looked into the peephole and saw him standing in front of the door. my mouth dropped in shock. i turned away, my mind bouncing wildly.

LERON??? what's he doing HERE?

i looked into the peephole again to make sure it was him. it was him and then it wasn't him. the brotha standing there wasn't the leron i remembered from our break-up. this guy looked healthy, looked happy...looked better than he ever did when we'd been together. obviously someone else's love had been better for him than mine had been. i instantly became more depressed.

i straighted my t-shirt and nervously ran my suddenly clammy hands down the front of my shorts before opening the door. upon seeing me, his face lit up as a huge smile formed on his face.

"wassup." he said, his voice just as low and sensual as ever. he stepped over the threshold and took me into his arms, hugging me tightly.

"how you been doing?" he said with a smile as he stepped back and took me in from head to toe.

i forced a fake smile onto my face as i replied.

"i'm doing great!"

he started staring at me more intensely, boring through my eyes in search of the truth i was unwilling to reveal. i dropped my gaze to avoid the intrusion but it didn't work.

"no you're not," he responded after a minute, "something's wrong."

reaching for my hand, leron clasped it within his and pulled me out of the door onto the front porch. it was a hot summer day in july, the humidity so thick i felt like i was wearing it as a second layer of clothing. we sat down on the shaded front steps and he turned towards me.

"so what's really going on, nik?"

i noticed then he still had my hand in his. i tried to pull it away but he just tightened his grip. i remained silent, unwilling to lie to him but even more unwilling to tell him the truth. i mean, what do i say to him? oh yeah...i just lost the baby i was carrying from the guy i started dating after you...

"nik," he spoke quietly, "i'm not leaving here until you tell me what's wrong. i know you stubborn 'n shit, but you know i can wait you out."

he watched me intently, waiting for me to speak. i was staring at the brick stairs when i finally answered him five minutes later.

"i suffered a miscarriage a month ago." the confession came out in a watery rush as i struggled for control. the tears were burning my eyes as i lowered my head so he couldn't see them gathering. he said nothing. he just moved closer to me, wrapped his arms around me, and held me close. that simple gesture was enough for me to start crying freely. i layed my head upon his chest and started bawling loudly. until then, i had been too afraid to cry for my loss. i'd been too afraid that if i'd started crying, i'd never stop. in his arms i found the courage to let the tears go. he remained there with me as i soaked his shirt with tears and snot, the only words from his mouth being whispered endearments meant to sooth me as he softly ran his hands down my back.

by the time i had stopped crying, the sun was low on the horizon, leaving coral streaks across the sky. i slowly lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. what i saw there made my heart stop, then start again. our faces moved towards each other with the ease of familiar lovers, our lips meeting in the middle. i was suffused in heat as our mouths opened simutaneously and our tongues curled together in a dance we both remembered the steps to. the kiss escalated as we tightened our hold around each other and he thrust his tongue more deeply down my throat. he leaned me back so that we were laying on the porch, my legs spread as he fitted himself between them, grinding his erection into my pussy. we were both gasping for air as we continued kissing each other frantically, our hands grasping and releasing against each other's bodies, our pelvises seeking a closer contact through our clothing. his arm lifted me at the waist so that my breasts were arched beneath him. he suckled them through my t-shirt, biting my nipples until the white cotton clung like a second skin to them. i pulled him back to me, my mouth hungrily taking from him what i could get. i was mindless as my body moved of its own accord across his terrain i remembered loving so well.

this is just like it used to be...

this could be again...

we totally lost track of time and space, lost in the feelings both old and new flourishing between us, reveling in the knowing of each other's bodies, desperately seeking to re-connect what had been disconnected. by the time we came up for air, his dick had been released from his shorts and my t-shirt and bra lay in a heap on top of the shrub next to the porch. that's when i remembered my boyfriend. i weakly tried to push leron off of me.

"we gotta stop," i said, my chest heaving as i tried to collect a semblance of sanity along with a breath of air. i looked at him pleadingly.

tell me we don't have to stop...
tell me you don't want to stop...

after a moment of staring at each other, breathing heavily as we witnessed the havoc we'd wreaked upon each other's bodies, he finally nodded.

"yeah," he replied breathlessly as he looked longingly at my exposed breasts. he pulled away from me reluctantly, "yeah...we gotta stop."

i tucked in my disappointment behind my common sense. i knew i wasn't supposed to be doing that with him, but it was leron. when it came to him, my heart won all skirmishes when faced in battle against my brain.

the bricks from the porch were digging into my back as i lifted myself from my prone position. my body ached from both the hard surface of the porch and the unrequited desire throbbing through me as i sluggishly reached over the railing for my bra and t-shirt. slipping my arms through the bra straps i turned to him.

and groaned loudly in frustration.

his dick was still erect and saluting me. i winced as i saw it move in response to the knowledge i was staring at it. i glanced up at his face and saw he was just as disappointed about the turn of events as i was.

"leron," i said almost in a whine, "you gotta put that thing away. i'm not sure what i'll do if you keep it out like that."

he started smiling as i glanced at his dick. now the damn thing was bobbing in front of me, almost like it was nodding in approval of the thoughts swimming in my head. i shook off the images already forming of us naked, limbs entertwined as we made love right there on the porch.

"i have a boyfriend," i said forcefully, trying to convince myself that it really, really mattered.

"yes," he responded as he reached for his dick and put it into his shorts. i hooked my bra and put on my t-shirt, looking at him the whole time while he straightened himself up. i could still make out the form of his erection. i groaned, inwardly this time.

i have a boyfriend

i have a boyfriend

i have a boyfriend...

afterwards, we remained on the porch, keeping a safe distance between us. it was then i remembered the fact he'd showed up to my house unannounced after a year of no contact.

"leron," i started, a question in my voice, "why did you come by? we haven't seen each other in almost a year. is everything aiight?"

he inhaled deeply and held his breath, his eyes averted from mine. i knew that move. i'd seen it plenty of times before when he was about to give me some bad news.

oh shit, this can't be good...

after he loudly exhaled, he turned to me, a sheepish look on his face.

"well..." he began in a drawn out way.

"well what?" i interrupted impatiently, dreading what he was about to tell me.

"i didn't want you to hear this from someone else."

"hear what???" i was beginning to panic at this point. was he about to tell me he had aids or something???

he hesitated a moment, deep in thought. then he turned to me and captured my gaze with his.

"i'm gonna be a father."

i gasped and put my hands over my mouth, a confusing mixture of happiness and horror churning through me. i battled with both emotions. on the one hand, i should have been happy for him. he'd moved on and was starting a family. yet i couldn't help but think about the fact that i'd just lost a baby. he was gonna be a father...but not of my child. the pain pierced through me as horror won the battle.

so again i tried to fake being happy.

"that's wonderful, leron!" my voice cracked, almost as if it was in protest against having to say the words.

he just stared at me and said nothing. i knew he knew i was faking it, but neither of us made mention of it. the situation had become awkward enough. the silence reigned for a minute before i spoke again.

"so, do plan on doing right by the baby, right?"

i mean, i'd still take you back even if you do have a baby momma.

"yeah, i do." he replied.

a wary look crept into his eyes. a wary feeling crept into my bones as i saw his lips move.

"i'm getting married."

that statement hurt me so much that night long ago. after he'd left, i was crying again, this time for the hope that never had enough time to live within me. the hope that he and i might get back together.

"we were so close
i love your charm, ooh
i can understand it, no
where did we go wrong..."

frankie beverly had taken on the role of speaking for my heart. i was no longer laughing as i stepped back from leron, frowning as i looked up into his eyes.

"how's your wife, leron?" i asked. actually, it was more like a demand. i was establishing the boundaries early. he cocked an eyebrow as he noticed my attempt to put him at a distance.

"you mean my ex-wife?" he asked smoothly.


oh shit...

this could be again...

tomorrow's installment: and we both end up with scars

the conclusion???