Monday, February 27, 2006

translating womanese

i was reading t. casanova's blog and his public service announcement meant to assist us sistas in better understanding the meaning behind the motives of our men. after learning a thing or two about the workings of the male mind from his entry, i find it necessary to respond in kind with a public service announcement of my own.

guys, have you ever wondered what your woman really means when she says something to you? do you find yourself attempting to decipher her language when your gut feeling is telling you she's saying one thing but meaning another? have you found yourself in the doghouse and you have no earthly idea how you got there? well this post is for you.

i've devised a little cheat sheet on how you can avoid punishments such as sleeping on the couch when there's warm pussy you could be getting into in bed, eating a lukewarm t.v. dinner cuz she won't cook for you after you pissed her off, or a smack in the back of the head because you said or did something that left her with the uncontrollable urge to knock some sense into you. take note. some of these will surprise you.

1. if your woman asks you if she looks fat in her outfit, she probably looks fat in that outfit, but she asked you cuz she wants validation of her beauty and general sexiness.

meanwhile, i know the experts say to tell a white lie even if she looks like a biscuit roll about to bust out the can, but i disagree. this is a new era of woman you're dealing with. she wants to look as good as possible, and if she's putting effort into what she's wearing, she's doing it because she wants to look sexy to you, but she also wants to look so good that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her when you two are out. if you like the idea of her buttered rolls on display for consumption, then don't say shit. however, if tacky fat ain't sexy to you, then you need to let sista know. do have some tact about it, though.

wrong response: "hell yeah you look fat. you look so fat you make jabba the hut look like a swimsuit model."

right response: "that's probably not the most flattering outfit for you. i love love your shapliness and that outfit isn't showing it to its greatest advantage." or "you ain't fat, but that outfit makes you look like you are. in fact, it makes me want to eat your pussy right now."

2. if she asks you "what are you thinking about?" more times than not what she's really saying is "are you thinking about me and/or 'us'-related products?"

do you think about your favorite football team more than you do of her? are you more preoccupied with the thought of whether or not to sniff the toe jamb encrusted on your toe nail clippings than you are about how many ways you can please your woman sexually? if you've answered yes to either question, no doubt you've already got permanent residence in the doghouse where your constant companions are your right hand and a well used bottle of vaseline intensive care lotion. if you get this question from her, you're probably gonna have to lie. better yet, get the thoughts of the intoxicating smell of your toe jamb out of your mind and start thinking about your woman so you won't have to lie. again, make sure you come correct with your response though.

wrong response: "i'm thinking about the fact that you keep asking me that fucking question and your slow ass don't seem to understand the phrase 'i'm not thinking about yo ass.'"

right response: "i'm thinking about you, baby. i'm thinking about us and how lucky i am to have you. in fact, i'm thinking too much. let's stop thinking and start fucking. i'll start by eating out your pussy."

3. if she asks you if you have female friends, what she really wants to know is whether or not you've fucked or wanna fuck the females you're hanging with.

are you still hanging tight with a former 'friend with benefits'? if you haven't fucked her yet, are you hanging around her because you just waiting to get into the pussy? worse still, are you somebody else's 'dick behind glass'? your woman wants to know so she can decide if you're worth the ass kicking she might have to lay down on your female friends if they step out of line for whatever reason. if you're still hanging with a former 'friend with benefits', you might be in trouble, although there's a two year statute of limitations on this. if you haven't fucked the girl in two years or more, you aiight. if it's been between one and two years you might experience some coldness from your woman cuz the pussy prints of the former flame are still imprinted onto your dick (although they're fading at this point). if it's been less than a year, then your girl imagines smelling that other sista's cum on your scrotum and finding that other sista's pubic hairs caught in various male crevices. in other words, you got major trouble there.

meanwhile, she also doesn't want to think of you as the guy who's someone else's safeguard dick. that designation is for herbs and punks and guys who don't know how to pull women. in other words, she got her own 'safeguard dick', and she knows how fucked up she treats him. to think her own man would be in the same situation is ego crushing. she wants to know her man is appealing to all women, not vienna sausage only the starving pull out of the cupboard as a last resort after they ran out of castor oil.

ultimately, this is a tricky situation here. i don't advocate lying about it, though. your girl deserves the truth, but don't get insensitive about it.

wrong response: "yeah, i've got female friends. i've fucked two of them. of those two, one of them i was fucking for about a year. damn, but she had the sweetest pussy i've ever sank my dick into. it was so hot and tight i thought it'd been made by isotoner cuz it fit my shit like a fucking glove. oh, and the other one was a supreme headmistress. sista could suck the craters off the moon and she loved to swallow..."

right response: "yes, i've got female friends."

don't say SHIT ELSE. if she wants to know more (which she inevitably will) let her ask the sticky questions. if she got the balls to ask, then you respond with honesty. in the meanwhile, be real with yourself. you know whether or not you're hanging around those other women cuz you're waiting to stick it. if that's the case, then don't waste your woman's time by trying to be her man cuz you making her into 'meanwhile pussy'...the pussy you getting in the meanwhile until your female friend finally sees you as a sexual interest. if you see your female friend as potential pussy, then you gotta end one of those relationships. it's either your woman or your friend. distraction tactics are generally encouraged in such a situation as this...

righter response: "yes, i've got female friends. can i eat you out now?"

4. if, after sex, she asks you "was it as good for you as it was for me" what she's really asking is "did this pussy blow your mind and if so, did it blow your mind enough to the point where i won't have to worry about your ass stepping out on me?"

if it was just as good or better, the answer is simple. it's when the pussy was bad when the situation gets tricky. i don't care if it was the worst pussy ever. i don't care if it was so bad you had to envision jabba the hut in that swimsuit in order to shoot your load cuz her shit was just that much more unappealing. i don't care if the sex was so bad you know you're gonna have to look at alot of porn later just to remind yourself good sex does indeed exist. if she asks you this question, your only option is to lie.

wrong response: "HELL nah. the only way that could have been as good for me as it was for you is if it was bad as fuck for you."

right response: "yes. it was even better than i dreamed it would be and i dreamed it would be perfect."

righter response: "yeah, baby. now let's do it again and this time, i'm eating your pussy first."

5. if, after sex, you realize she hasn't cum but she says "i'm okay with it." SHE AIN'T OKAY WITH IT.

too many brothas make the mistake of assuming because she didn't get hers before he got his that it's okay. i'm here to tell you that it's NEVER okay for her not to get hers unless she told you ahead of time she was focusing on your pleasure during that encounter and even then i say play it safe and get her off ANYWAY. the only exception to this rule is if she's giving you "get your fucking rocks off so you can leave me the fuck alone" sex. at that point she just wants you to stop bugging her so she's willing to go without so the session can end and she can get her some fucking sleep.

wrong response: "you cool then..." followed by your instant snoring.

wronger response: "was i supposed to be concerned with whether or not you came? oops..."

response that will guarantee you never get your hands on her pussy again: "women have orgasms?!? i had no idea!"

actually, the second one is just as bad as the third one...

right response: "it ain't aiight. i'm taking care of you right now."

righter response: "woman, i was just getting started. don't think for a second i was gonna let you go without getting yours. we've got all night..."

response that will guarantee you never have to use your hands to cum again unless you want to: "i've been doing tongue exercises for the last month in preparation for this moment. let me stick this pillow behind my head so i can get just sit on my face, baby cuz i'm ready to EAT DAT PUSSY."

no matter the situation, no matter what she says, you'll find the translations of womanese on the walls of her carnal cavern. in order for you to decipher the language, you best to get in close and stick in your probing instrument. oh, and you gotta clean the walls in order to read them clearly.

in other words, if you wanna translate womanese, you gotta first SPEAK IN TONGUE...