Friday, April 14, 2006

and we both end up with scars...

part one: it could all be so simple
part two: but you'd rather make it hard
part three: loving you is like a battle


"i've been really tryin , baby
tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
and if you feel, like I feel baby
come on, oh! come on..."

marvin's sultry voice saturated the air with his sensual pleas as the crowd around us gathered closer to each other, couples pseudo-copulating on the dance floor. i would have been enthralled with the image, but i was lost in thought. i was trying to grasp what leron had just told me.

he was divorced. that meant he was single. but what did that mean to me?

"EX-wife?" i replied as i tried to tamper down my what...shock? enthusiasm? happiness? disappointment? shit, i wasn't even sure at that point.

he nodded slowly, his eyes still holding my gaze.

"yeah," he responded matter-of-factly, "we've been divorced for three years now."

i looked at him skeptically, my arms crossing my chest. i wanted to believe him, but atlanta men are scandalous. they take off their wedding rings and tell sistas they're not married even if they've got a wife and kids waiting for them to leave the club and bring their asses home. it ain't until a sista gets a call from an irate wife that she realizes she's been duped. experience had taught me not to accept what a brotha says just cuz he says it.

leron must have realized i was unsure of whether or not to believe him. stepping forward, he grabbed my hand.

"we need to talk."

he laced his fingers through mine and tugged on my arm, propelling me to follow him through the tighly packed crowd.

"We're all sensitive people
With so much to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be here
Lets live, I love you..."

do i still love you?

as he led me up the stairs i tried to analyze how i was feeling at that moment. his hand held mine just as firm yet gentle as i remembered him holding me close to him late at night when we used to lay on the back porch and look up at the stars, making up new stories for the constellations we viewed in the sky. our limbs would be woven into each other, our bodies touching from heads to toes, our hearts beating the same rhythm as we lay there in the darkness, conjuring dreams.

i stared at his back, broad beneath his dark blue dress shirt, and remember kissing my way down to the curve of his ass before turning him over and slowly taking his dick into my mouth, right down to his pubic hair. i could still hear his strangled moan as he ejaculated into my mouth while i continued to suck him until i'd swallowed every last drop from him.


is it just me or is it really hot in here??

i wiped off the sweat trickling from my brow and licked my dry lips, my mind lost in the memories.

my woolgathering took my attention away from where i was walking. i slipped on the edge of a step and fell forward, my head smacking leron in the back right before i fell to my knees on the ground.

"SHIT!" i exclaimed as i felt the carpet burn the flesh on my knees. leron, having regained his balance quickly, turned around and lowered himself until he was sitting back on his haunches. he reached for my arms, a look of concern on his face.

"you aiight, nik?"

HELL no!

at this point i was half sprawled on the carpet, ass in the air (in a short mini-skirt no less), with only one shoe on as the other one had been flipped from my foot and was now tumbling its way down to the dance floor below. i was breathing heavily and my face burned with embarrassment. i averted my face so he wouldn't see the wounded look in my eyes as i leaned on him to pull myself up from the ground.

i heard him chuckling softly above me.

"so," he stated with a smile in his voice, "you must be really nervous."

i was looking around for my other shoe as i responded.

"what makes you think i'm nervous?" i asked with a faux airiness to my tone.

a female had my shoe in her hand and was stepping up to bring it to me. i limped my way down the steps to meet her halfway. leron followed, his hand lightly caressing the small of my back in that familiar soothing manner.

"cuz you always used to trip over stuff when you were nervous."

he REMEMBERS that?

slipping my foot into the shoe i turned to stare at him, the surprise in my look barely concealed even in the low lighting. he grabbed my hand again and leaned in to murmur softly into my ear.

"i remember everything about you, nikki."

then he kissed my earlobe lightly, his lips lingering tenderly on my skin as the sound of his breath escalated in volume and speed in my ear. when he pulled back, i looked into his eyes and immediately recognized what i saw there.

it was yearning.

oh SHIT.

the inner turmoil returned.

he grabbed my hand again and we made our way up the steps. once we reached the landing, he led me to stand in front of one of the enclaves located in the outside corridor. there was a couple already sitting down on the seating inside of it. he must have known who was in there, because he bent over and said something to the guy. the guy glanced at me, dawning surprise then recognition in his eyes. he turned his attention to leron, gave a subtle nod, then stood up smoothly, grabbing his lady's hand as they walked away. i was perplexed.

"who was he and what did you say to him??"

leron was already sitting down as he gently tugged my arm, imploring me to sit next to him.

"that's my boy rick and i told him you were the nikki."

"what do you mean by the nikki?"

i was seated next to him in a small space that seemed to shrink in dimension with each passing second. he hesitated before answering.

"the nikki i told him was the love of my life."

i was officially speechless. i mean the hell was i supposed to respond to that? i could downplay the statement, but frankly, there was a part of me that felt really good about being the love of someone's life, especially someone i remembered loving more than i had ever loved anyone else before him...or after him.

do you still love me?

why the fuck do i need to know that???

"you can't mean that, leron," i whispered disbelievingly, "especially not after 'the incident'."

'the incident' being him walking in on me fucking another guy. we were broken up by that point, but i knew he was intent on getting back together after he got out of prison. instead, the day of his release from prison he comes to my house to find me getting fucked doggie style by another guy. i couldn't see how he could get past that. shit, I couldn't get past that. after that day we never spoke again about what happened. in fact, we didn't speak again until that night almost a year later when he told me he was getting married.

leron reached for my hands and turned me to face him, his fingers feather light as they rubbed the backs of my fingers. he took in a deep breath before he spoke, his head down as i felt him searching for the right words to say.

"i have to admit what i saw hurt me deeply," he said, his eyes looking away quickly although i could still see the remembered hurt reflecting within them. then he was focused solely on me, a bright intensity shining from his eyes.

"that shit really, really hurt, nikki. it hurt because i never thought i'd see you with another man, especially like that. it hurt because i knew it was my fault i had lost you. it hurt because i hurt you. i hurt you enough so that you felt you had to leave me in order for your hurting to stop."

that enclave could have been in the middle of a deserted island because the silence ascending around us blocked out all other sound. again i found myself searching for the words to say in response to him, but i was drawing a blank. my mind was too occupied with the task of trying to figure out why my heart was beating so fast, why my breath kept catching every so often, why every inch of me was fighting the need to be threaded through every inch of him.

and then there was no need for words. we were leaning into each other, our heads moving closer...closer...

our eyes closing slowly...

our breaths coming quickly...

our pulses pounding faster...

our lips a whisper away from meeting softly...




i didn't even realize i had brought my hand up to stop the kiss until i felt his lips beneath my fingers.

so soft...

i shivered.

he ignored my declaration as he opened his mouth and ran his tongue along the sides of my fingers, his brown eyes darkening into another look i remembered only too well.

he wants me...

he took the middle one into his mouth, suckling on it, nibbling it, curling his tongue around it. his eyes were speaking to me.

this could be your neck...your nipples...your clit...every inch of you...


i yanked my finger from his mouth, frustrated at my inability to control myself around him.

"leron," i exclaimed hoarsely, my body betraying me even as i tried to play like i was unaffected, "WE.CAN'T.DO.THIS."

"why not, nikki?" he asked, his voice just as hoarse as mine was as he looked at me with a plea in his eyes, "why the fuck not???"

"because i'm still in a relationship with someone."

he stared at me intently, the plea still showing in his eyes. after a minute, he spoke.

"are you happy?" he asked quietly, "do you love him?"

i witnessed the questioning look in his eyes as i debated how much i should reveal to him. do i tell him the relationship is over and we're basically just living as roommates at this point? do i tell him i haven't had sex in almost six months? do i tell him i haven't loved anyone the way i loved him when we were together?


instead i kept it as brief as possible.

"the relationship is ending, but i'll need time to get myself together before i jump into another one."

more silence. we sat there staring at each other, trying to read the other's mind, trying to get a glimpse into what the other was feeling. finally, leron spoke.

"so there's still a chance for us, then."

i sighed and closed my eyes, savoring the feelings i experienced in those brief moments. i thought about the woman i was when we were together. the naive young woman who fell in love with him. the timid young woman too afraid to demand that her wants be acknowledged. the insecure young woman who relied to much on others and not enough upon herself.

the young woman who no longer existed.

that young woman was a part of my past. i had to keep her there, which meant i had to keep leron there, too.

because it was then, i knew.

in my heart i knew this wasn't about beginnings, this was about endings and beginnings. the ending of the ideal fantasy i had in my mind about my relationship with leron and the beginning of my reality as a woman who was no longer afraid to be strong, independent, and outspoken, sure in the knowledge someone out there would come to love me for the woman i am right now.

this was about letting leron go so i could continue to grow.

i squared my shoulders and looked deeply into his eyes.

"no, leron," i answered, even as i felt my heart protest, "there is no hope for us. i'm a different person now."

i stood quickly, afraid that if i didn't walk away at that very moment, i wouldn't walk away. we stared at each other as the words neither of us spoke were transmitted between us instead.

i'm sorry...

don't leave...
i have to...

please stay...
please let me go...

"good-bye, leron."

i turned away from him and walked away, my knees buckling slightly as i realized i wasn't leaving unscathed.

next installment: no one loves you more than me...and no one ever will... (yeah, i know i skipped a few lines...sue me, damnit)

conclusion, pt. 2