eight signs you're addicted to your battery powered friend

there was a time when i simply couldn't get enough of my dildo. i masturbated twice a day everyday and was aiight with it cuz i was single and had no prospective dick on the horizon. eventually though, i had to take a step back and check my behavior. turns out i was addicted to the damn dildo.

so in an attempt to help out sistas everywhere who might find themselves in a similar situation, i've devised a list of symptoms for the 'dildo addict'. hopefully you don't see yourself in any of these things as i did. if you do, i'll pray for your salvation. LOL

1. you've named your dildo.

now this isn't to say that you shouldn't name it. it's only a problem when you take longer than five minutes to name it, like you actually put more effort into naming it than you would in naming your firstborn. i came up with the name 'stroker ace' after ten minutes of trying to find a name that was both witty and apt. i wanted the name to sound melodious when i screamed it at the height of my orgasm, which brings me to the second symptom of 'dildo addiction'...

2. you call out its name at any time during your masturbation session.

uh, it's an inanimate object. it's the equivalent of yelling out 'sofa' after finding bliss within its cushions or exclaiming 'car' after it saved you a couple of bucks on gas. if you can't get a response from it, then you don't need to be yelling out its name. when i did it the first time, i had to giggle at myself for doing such a ridiculous thing. after i did it again, i had to wonder if i should be institutionalized.

3. you dream about it at night.

i'm not just talking about dreaming about it laying on your nightstand. i mean having sex dreams about it and waking up with bedsheets drenched in your cum. i mean dreaming of marrying it and having little mini dildos to be sold off later at an adult toy store and actually mourning the loss of your 'children' as they're being sold into sex slavery. if you've dreamed of being impregnated by your dildo, it's definitely time to put that sucka on the shelf for a while.

4. you have to fantasize about it in order to get horny enough to orgasm...during sex with an actual human being.

sure it's the perfect lover in alot of respects. i mean, except for the low whirring noise of the vibrating mechanism, it's relatively silent. it won't be giving you grief a week later when you haven't called it, won't be blowing up your cell phone with stupid inquries about where you are and who you're with. it won't cheat on you and it doesn't mind being under your complete control. all that said, it's still only a penis shaped instrument made of rubber. it's rather limited in what it can do, and there are times when you don't want to have to use your arm to get off. that's where live dick comes in. of course there are risks. live dick could be carrying an std, but that's what condoms are for. live dick could be attached to a cat who will end up bugging the living shit out of you about when you two can get together again. live dick might even be small dick, which comes with its own set of problems. either way, live dick can stroke you deeply and thoroughly and hit you at angles your dildo just can't. oh, and live dick is attached to a body you can hold close and lips you can kiss to your hearts content. those attributes make it the naturally superior choice between the two. if you can't see that, put the dildo down. NOW.

5. you fiend for it when you're away so you keep it in your bag at all times.

i was so nose open over 'stroker ace', i was forced to carry it everywhere with me cuz it seemed like my clit was forever calling out for it. i almost had to slap the bitch silly when she whined to me about how lonely she was and how she just wanted it to stroke her for a second, until she didn't feel lonely anymore. her voice was in my ears, pleading for me to bring stroker to work with me. i ultimately relented, but i wasn't happy about it. one time i actually had to leave a meeting because the pull was so strong. i grabbed stroker and headed for my car, where i had at it for about five minutes. mind you, i was amazingly relaxed afterwards, but i'm sure somebody smelled the scent of sex on my skirt...

6. you treat it like a human being.

when 'it' turns into 'he', that's the beginning of the end. when you envision introducing 'him' to your friends and then watching them grow green with envy after viewing 'his' obvious perfection, then you're close to the end. when you start contemplating ways of inviting 'him' over to your parents' house to meet mom and pops, the end is right before you. anything else like buying 'him' clothes, telling 'him' you'll pay his bills, and/or cooking 'him' what you perceive to be his favorite dish means you've jumped off the deep end. let's not even BEGIN to address what's wrong with you if you start TALKING to 'him'. your sanity has left you and you are now officially a crazy mothafucka.

7. your clit has overdosed on its presence.

overdosed as in 'it hurts to close your legs cuz you been shaking the shit out of your clit'. there is such a thing as too much exposure. if your dildo sees more of your clit than your boyfriend would (if you had one), then it's time for an intervention. i remember times when my clit hurt so bad i considered having the damn thing removed. then there was the time when i had to fake an orgasm with a fuck buddy because my clit was so sensitive, every time he stroked it felt like my clit was being scratched with sandpaper. you do not want this to happen to you. if you feel your clit becoming overly raw from your constant dildo action, stop yourself before you do permanent damage.

8. you try to give it oral sex.

there is no joy in sucking a penis-shaped piece of rubber. there just ain't. there is no pre-cum to lick off of the sensitive head. there are no veins pumping with life to trace with your tongue. there is no heat to feel on your lips or in your mouth. there is no responsive stick jumping and throbbing as you engulf it down to the base. there is no scrotum to take in your mouth before humming. there is no warm cum to swallow. all you've got is a cold, vibrating piece of rubber. if you find that appealing, you might as well just stick a shoe in your mouth.

if you've experienced any of the aforementioned symptoms, it's time for you to drop that dildo and seek counseling. in the meanwhile, stay away from cucumbers, zuchini, thick writing utensils like jumbo sharpies, tv remote control pads, staplers, sixteen or twenty ounce bottles, or any other elongated item that might give you the uncontrollable urge to stick it up your twat.

cuz i'm telling you, staples hurt like FUCK when you're pulling them from your pussy lips. at least, uh...that's what i've heard...