Monday, February 13, 2006

i confess

*i initially posted this a couple of days ago and then pulled it because i thought it was being unfair to the party involved. all i ask is that you consider the fact that he is human and capable of the same errors in decisions as anyone else. however, he is a wonderful person.

ultimately, i needed to go ahead and post this because in my efforts to remain true to my feelings in the year 2006, this is a part of that journey. i cannot run away from that which isn't pleasant. i have to find a way to cope and move forward, stronger than before. a friend reminded me how important it was to stay true to myself, and therefore, i shall.*

i confess
i am not happy.
with you.
with me being with you.
i am not happy with us.

it was never about you. it was always about me choosing you when i really shouldn't have. it was me telling myself i was doing right by choosing you. you, who have seen me at my best and my worst and still stood by as my friend. you who watched me date other guys while you waited, content with the knowledge that i'd come back to you.

and i did.

only now i know it was a mistake.

actually, i've always known, deep down. i've always known. i knew when we first got together and i broke it off after a few months. i knew then we weren't meant to be together. but you were so nice to me. you were so supportive of me when i was down. you were so patient when my mood swings made me intolerable to everybody.

yes, you've been the constant thread through which my life has woven itself for the last thirteen years. you were there to watch me evolve from college student to homeowner to homeless person to college student. you have witnessed my journey in all its pitfalls and triumphs. you have given yourself and i love you for it. you're a good guy. shit, you're a GREAT guy.

but you're not the great guy for me.

see, cuz despite all of the support and affection you've given to me over the years, you don't really know me.

you know the nikki you think you fell in love with all those years ago. the nikki from afar, the nikki you helped because you were her friend and you thought you loved her.

but you didn't know me, so you were only in love with an aberration. you didn't know i was still having nightmares from being molested and raped. you didn't know the body you were so eager to worship was the same body i was trying to discard of because it had become my prison, because whenever i looked into the mirror i would see 'his' hands squeezing my breasts painfully or feel 'his' hot breath on my neck, 'his' heavy body on me as he tore through my vagina with violent force. you didn't know how uncomfortable i still was of a man's attention. you didn't know i was so afraid of disappointing those around me that i lied about everything i was going through because i thought i was a totally worthless human being. all you saw was a wounded soul you were ready to swoop in and save, be the knight in shining armor for me and i'd be forever grateful.

but you never really wondered about how i was wounded or whether or not i could heal without you. you wanted me to depend on you. you wanted the damaged me because damaged folk don't recognize their own worth, don't recognize they have needs or their right to demand those needs be met. they're just so damn happy to have been saved. even when i told you everything, i didn't feel as though you knew me. i think you were still seeing the poor sista who needed saving. you didn't see me as the sista strong enough to save herself, strong enough to make herself whole again and emerge from her darkness still willing to be your girlfriend. you made the decision to see her as the same powerless person she saw herself to be.

and i didn't do right by you. i leaned on you too much. i should have realized i had to get my shit together by myself before i'd be worth anything to anyone else. it became convenient for both of us.

i should never have become your mate. we'd been friends so long that it just seemed the natural thing to do but we should never have done it. we should have just remained friends. but everyone made a point of reminding me of what a good guy you were when i would tell them i didn't think we should be together. you were the good brotha we sistas talk about but never get with because we don't want a nice guy. i wanted to prove everybody wrong. i wanted them to know i could appreciate having a good guy in my life.

but i now realize that i want more than a good guy. i want and deserve a guy who shares a love and passion for the things that are important to me. i want a partner in action, not just someone who's nice and respects me but doesn't know really know the me inside. i want someone who feels the same love for words and music and knowledge and community that i do. i want someone who cares about the same things i care about.

don't you want more for yourself? don't you want a woman who will love everything about you and not wish for you to be different? that's what you deserve! you deserve a woman who will love the fact that you keep the television on speedvision all day everyday without a desire to watch anything else that isn't car related. you deserve a woman who is fine with you not wanting to engage in self-introspection because you don't care about that nonsense. you deserve a woman who doesn't hound you about the fact that you never think of new ways to spend time together because you're comfortable with routine. you deserve a woman who doesn't hound you about volunteering because she thinks you're being too passive in the face of injustice. you deserve a woman who shares your passions, not one who hordes her own because she sees you don't share them.

you don't deserve someone like me. i cannot love you as you deserve to be loved. we both deserve to be happy and we won't find it here. with this.

both of our spirits are withering right now. both of us will hurt when this ends. but these shouldn't be the only things two people in a relationship have in common.

i confess
the me i am with you is not the me i want to be.