last night

last night i needed you. only you weren't around, and i understand because you have your life to live. you have to do what you have to do to be happy.

and yet still, i needed you last night.

i needed you because you have a way of putting things in perspective for me. you make me feel as though i can lean on you for just about anything and you will hold me up. i needed you because you make me laugh, and i really needed to laugh last night.

but you weren't around, and i was lost.

i kept waking up
i kept waking up hoping
i kept waking up hoping you'd be
i kept waking up hoping you'd be there

cuz i really needed to share

share all the memories of my uncle with you because i knew you'd understand and appreciate just how beautiful the man really was. share all the jokes he told me (almost all of them dirty) with you because i knew you'd laugh and tell me how witty my uncle was. share my fears about the fact that death comes in threes and i've got two uncles down and one to go.

two uncles down and one to go.

i've only got one uncle left.

and you would have understood my fear because you too have suffered the death of a loved one and you know how it feels. you know how it feels to love the living and suddenly find out you're loving someone who's no longer alive and yet the love never dies.

the love never dies.

and how because love is always alive, so is that person's spirit. you would have told me that. you would have told me to celebrate his life and not to dwell on his death because you always keep it concise yet compassionate.

and i really, really needed you last night, because the darkness was more than i could take. i couldn't close my eyes for more than a couple of minutes at a time because i kept thinking about the fact that my uncle died all alone.

he died all alone.

i wasn't there to ease him into the after. i wasn't there to tell him i loved him so that the last words he heard before he died were 'i love you.' i wasn't there to hold him so that he knew he wasn't alone, knew i would take care of him, keep him until he transitioned.

i just wish you had been there.

but i understand. i have to understand. because addiction isn't good. it's not good to need that much. i have to find the strength to get rid of that need.

but for just one night, i wished you had been there.

cuz i needed you last night.