Wednesday, February 22, 2006

connection confirmed, reflection continued

this was yesterday, after the funeral, before the drinking, during one of the few moments i had to myself to contemplate the loss of my favorite uncle. later, as i perused through all of the photos of myself during this trip, i realized my smile was a fleeting brightness, like the lone lucent line of lightening lashing through the skin of a night sky, submerging the ground below with the raindrops bleeding from the gaping wound.

i guess that's where my spirit was most of the time, in a place precipitating pain, making it damn near impossible for my mouth to lift itself past the flood of grief deluging my countenance, washing away all traces of former smiles so that my lips had no blueprint for the move and were left searching for clues on how to create it again.

the blueprint was remembered during a conversation in the airport. his voice brought to mind an ex-boyfriend from college, only different. his was a combination of brooklyn bite and southern sarcastic steel, tempered into a compelling texture by the human afflictions of a cough he refused to acknowledge as more than a minor aggravation and a cigar habit he admitted was still too rewarding to give up.

initially we tip toed through a meadow blooming with the familiar flowers of conversations past, as our interaction evolved from a bond linked through wit and words on a monitor to whispers and laughter emitted to the ear, each word burgeoning with yearning and affection, each sentence uttering a thread of knowing woven together to form an unbreakable connection. the moments collected, flowing into each other to form an ocean of future feeling i was eager to explore, the time past as though hours were minutes and minutes were seconds and i was craving second and third helpings and gorging myself with the bountiful booty full found within the confines of his mind.

and then the conversation was over and i was left with the thoughts hovering on the edges of my mind like irritating flies i couldn't swat away. they buzzed and buzzed and i fought against their cries with the remembered comfort i found within the sound of his voice. i called on his sound alot that day and for the rest of the trip, wrapping myself in his tender tenor, feeling both trepedation and elation at the fact that he was planting the seeds of his being, within me.

he's knowing me
he's growing me

and with those seeds he's sowing me

i only hope if the time comes i can bloom true when i worship at the alter of his harvest.