Sunday, November 20, 2005

why? cuz i'm crazy!

i have always sought comfort in answers. the first word ever spoken from my mouth wasn't "mama" or "dada". it was "why?", followed shortly by the utterance of my first sentence "what the fuck?" (yeah, i was cussing from an early age, too...). when my mom held a spoonful of nasty, vomit-colored baby peas gerber food up to my pursed lips, i can distinctly remember asking "gutdafudisatit?" (translated, it means "what the fuck is that shit?!?" in infantese.) by the time i had the english version of "why" shooting from my lips at every turn (around age 1 1/2), my parents were both ready to kill me, bury me, and tell everybody my birth was an abberation.

even then, i had an idea that simply having an answer was not enough. it had to be a plausible answer, one that made sense from every angle. i had to feel in my heart that it was true, because if the answer didn't make sense, i became agitated. now if the question was "why do you love me?" the answer was simple and i could accept it. "because you're my daughter and you mean the world to me" did wonders in halting further questions, cuz it always left me feeling warm and fuzzy all over. however, many of my questions were about stuff my parents couldn't readily answer.

"why does the toilet make that sound when i flush it mommie?"

"why do you invite ms. simpson over when i heard you tell daddie she was a bee eye tee cee aaych and you don't like her?" (i didn't know what the word meant, but i learned how to spell it pretty early on)

"why is the color of grass called 'green'?"

"why is uncle albert kissing that man on the mouth like that? isn't that how you kiss daddie?"

"what is a 'cock', mommie?" (asked a couple of weeks after i was sexually molested)

needless to say this created additional frustration with my parents (and straight up panic after the question regarding the cock). eventually every question was answered with a succession of responses: first was an exasperated "because it just is!", followed by an angry "because i said so!", ending with a spelled out expletive. "eff you cee kay" was my dad's favorite, which explains why i use it so much now.

by the time i was in elementary school, i was terrorizing everyone with my constant questions. i didn't have many friends my age because they grew tired of the inquiries rather quickly.

"why do you have a crush on eddie? he's got big ears and bad breath!"

"why did you copy my answers on your test?"

"why do we have to throw eggs at mrs. jones? she's a nice lady."

"why do you want to kiss me? i don't even LIKE you!"

many of the kids didn't even bother to answer. instead i got that "you're a crazy bitch" look right before they turned and ran away from me, subsequently keeping all future contact with me to a minimum.

my teachers, initially impressed with my inquisitiveness, ultimately became defensive with me. i was moved to another science class after i asked the teacher "why are human beings the only ones alive in the universe?" eventually i was put into the gifted program. i'm sure it was done in order to isolate the torture to one teacher.

the incessant need to know for the sake of finding comfort in the answer drove me right into high school. by this time i figured out the only way to get the answer i wanted was to seek it out myself. i spent hours in the library looking for the answers to such questions as "why are white people satan worshippers?" (that one came after i overheard my then recently foi inducted uncle refer to them as 'devils'), "why does charles refer to his penis as 'cock'?" (i knew what it was by then, but still didn't know why it was referred to like that), "why are boys better at math while girls are better at english?" (a purely egotistical motive because i hated the fact a boy was better than me at ANYTHING).

why was i picking the most difficult questions to ask? well, it was because no one had an answer that made sense to me and everything had to make sense to me. if it made sense, then i wouldn't have to worry about unknown, uncontrollable forces impacting my life. of course, i didn't know that then. i'm sure alot of the time i was asking questions just to see how far i could go before i totally pissed someone off.

there was only one time during my teenage years where i didn't want to ask the question, yet i was forced to in part because i had alienated many of the guys in my neighborhood.

"uh...will you be my prom date?"

that fucking sucked.

once i entered college, things had improved a little. by then, i had gotten a grip on the questions for the most part. every now and again i'd slip, though. it was usually during the worst possible moment - while having sex.

"why are you doing this to me???" (that was asked during the first and second rape)

"why do you want to stick THAT in my ASS???" (asked during my first bout with anal sex)

"why do want me to SWALLOW that stuff???" (asked before my first experience with performing oral sex)

luckily for me, i was already in casual sex mode, so i didn't care if i pissed them off so much they didn't bother to set up a second date.

now, as an adult, i recognize my need for answers and why that need exists. yes, i want the comfort that comes with knowing the answer. i also want to know what motivates people to do the things they do. i figure if i can figure out the motivation, i can find a way to eliminate the negative motivation that leds a person to perform negative behavior. simple, huh? however, i've also come to realize that for 80% of the things that go on in life, there isn't a ready answer. i've had to learn to rely on faith and just let the question go unanswered. it has been hard, especially when i see shit like michael jackson getting arrested for YET AGAIN having kids in his bed, or when i see terrell owens straight up sabatogue his career by being a bitch and airing dirty laundry when it won't get him what he wants. when i see shit like that i can't help but wonder why.

then i realize there IS an answer for alot of that shit. it's cuz they're crazy mothafuckas. 'crazy' might not be the answer for why alot of things happen in life, but it damn sure explains why alot of people do the shit they do.

and i'm cool with that. for now.