Friday, November 18, 2005

*jumping down from self-righteous tower*

aiight. now that i've gotten over my indignant moment, i'll get over myself, too. while i don't regret the last post, because many of my points were valid, i have to recognize the judgment i inadvertently made towards the very folk i sought to defend: the sexually comfortable sista. in all my self-righteous blather, i was straight up dissing the sistas who engage in casual sex by calling them a ho. frankly, it ain't like i haven't done it. it's been about a decade, but it's been done, and i used to do the casual sex thing without much thought when i was in college. isn't that what college is for?

actually, it was another blogger's post about one of his college experiences that got me to think about this again. mr. serial dater, renamed in my mind as mr. serial fucker cuz a brotha get more ass than a donkey collector, had a post where he recollected about a sexual encounter he had in college. i thought back to when i was in college and how unsure i felt about myself then. by the end of my second year of school, i had been raped twice, and really had no idea of what an honest, emotionally intimate sexual experience was. i was feeling confused. part of me wanted to appeal to men and part of me wanted to wear the baggiest clothes i could get my hands on so i could hide every bit of evidence of my feminity from their eyes.

i was still rather inexperienced overall, as the rapes accounted for two of the four times i'd had sex. after that second time, i decided to never let a brotha have that kind of power over me again. i rebelled by sleeping around, telling myself that by doing so, i was controlling the situation because i determined how close a person got to me. i had no problem having sex and then dropping them from my mind as if they were little more than an errand i ran that day. looking back on that time, i realize the casual sex thing was never rewarding for me. regardless of how much a brotha pushed up beforehand, ultimately i felt i was only being used for the pussy. even when i had boyfriends i dated for long periods of time, i still felt that way.

by the time i left school, i was a wreck. then i met a brotha named vincent and experienced for the first time what sex was when there was a true emotional bond at the center of it. the first orgasm i ever experienced that wasn't self-inflicted was ignited by his fingers. yeah...i had been faking the orgasms up until then. being with vincent made me realize how soul-stirring those intimate moments can be. he was a caring and patient lover, and for the first time i didn't feel as though i had to maintain emotional distance during sex. i fully immersed myself within each moment, each emotion, each touch, each kiss. it was really mindblowing. that brotha had me OPEN. i totally enjoyed sex for the first time and i made him pay for it by begging him to fuck me whenever we were together. i'm sure i wore his ass out.

it's ironic, because actually HE was the one conflicted. he was part of a really religious family. you know, the kind of family who pray together, and not just before they eat dinner. they prayed before turning on the television to watch bobby jones gospel. they prayed each morning before everyone went to work. vincent couldn't even move out of the house because his parents were afraid of the secular influence on the brotha.

so after every fucking session, vincent would start feeling guilty. if the sex was extra good that day, he'd get down on his knees and pray for forgiveness. one time, after a particularly kinky session, brotha pulled me down onto my knees beside him and asked me to pray with him! i had just sucked his dick to the point of damn near taking the skin off of it before we fucked like animals while watching our reflection in the mirror on my bedroom dresser drawer! we hit every position imaginable. i never thought the last position of the fucking day would be me butt naked on the floor genuflecting before god to beg his forgiveness for enjoying some of the best sex i'd ever had!

ultimately, my constant demands for sex pushed him away. he got tired of the conflict he was experiencing as a result of us having sex. afterwards, he ended up joining this cult-like congregation of church-goers and became celibate with the vow to not have sex again until he got married.

now i'm not sure if it was because the sex with me was so bad he ran to a cult, or so good he was miserable with guilt over how good it was. either way, i was left looking for a new boyfriend.

in the over ten years since he and i dated, i've only had two one-night stands. i figured it was better to hold out for the real deal than to just take the sex because it was available, but that's just me. if i could reach the quality level of intimacy with a stranger, i admit i'd be down with it. i know i can't, though. it's partly because of my sexual history and partly because after having experienced sex with someone with whom i had a strong mental connection, i can't settle for just the suck off, fuck off thing.

there are plenty of women out there who can find pleasure in an intimate encounter with a brotha, no matter if he's a stranger to her or not. i gotta envy the ability, really. to be able to find that kernel of gold to savor with each moment of intimacy with a brotha. if it's really that easy and the end is that genuine, i applaud it. if she wants sex cuz she wants it and not because she needs to feel wanted, i ain't mad at it.

however, there are alot of sistas out there, lost like i used to be, who see sex as a way to find control in a world they can't seem to find control in. they need to feel as though they have something men want. they think they can only appeal to men sexually because they have no other attributes. its for those sistas i weep.

so in the end, there ain't no hos in the world. just folk trying to figure all this intimacy shit out the best way we can.