oral sex and its ability to fix the fuck up

you know i love sucking dick. however, i'm not gonna fool myself into thinking i can get myself out of trouble just cuz i suck a brotha off. if i'm guilty of some major shit, he'll still be pissed off about it, if only before and after he spreads his legs and pushes my head between 'em.

now the joke is that all a sista got to do is get down on all fours and handle hers if she wants to fix the fuck up, and while that's a downright easy (and for me, straight up reward for punishment), the fact is she STILL spent the gas bill money on a pair of shoes, so she'll be sucking his dick in the dark if they can't find the money to pay it. basically, she'll be fumbling in the dark, with her mouth sucking on buttons before it hits his dick, and despite her best efforts, she's still gonna be in trouble. meanwhile, he'll have gotten his toe-curling experience right before he kicks her ass out.

and of course, this is vice versa. if a brotha is eating the cooch thinking he's gonna atone for dipping his pen in someone else's ink, he's mistaken. that's the big fuck up that won't be taken care of just cuz a brotha can kiss the lower lips properly.

so then the question is, when do we use our talents to our best advantage? i mean, if i just burned down a brotha's house after a heroine binge, is sucking his dick gonna help my cause? is me licking his balls gonna make him feel better about the fact that his 37 inch flatscreen television is now destroyed and laying beneath a still smoldering mountain of ashes, much of which is comprised of what's left of his favorite football chair?

i mean really, is tossing his salad gonna make him forget his collection of throwback jerseys is now ruined, all because i got happy with the heroine?

i don't think so.

aiight, then with that extreme out of the way, what's the most i can get away with? that depends on how much i'm willing to do to fix it. i'm not talking about cooking dinner or ironing a brotha's underwear. i already cook and i don't do ironing. i want this solution to be as easy and as effortless as possible, and there are few things requiring less effort than sucking a brotha's dick.

at least, that's if you've only committed small violations like forgetting to tivo his wwf programs or ruining one of his shirts (one that's not his favorite). that kind of thing should only require maybe a few licks of the tip, caressing of the balls, and maybe a pinch of an asscheek. no swallowing is necessary and five minutes should make him forget about it.

but what if i, say, put a tiny dent in his car door. i'm talking the kind of dent that he can't even see unless he leans in really close. the paint isn't even chipped. shit, it might actually make the car look better (aiight, so maybe i'm reaching here...)

anyway, what's a sista to do? this will require maybe a little more effort. first off, i'll probably have to be down there for a good ten to twenty minutes (if he can last that long, that is). then i'm gonna have to not only lick the scrotum, but probably hit the crack and crevices, too. i'll probably have to swallow just to make sure i'm covered. all of this could potentially leave me with a neck cramp, which is a small price to pay for being able to bypass his anger when he sees that dent and tries to go ballistic.

but what, past that, can i get away with? that's what i want to know. if i put down the full-treatment, what will that get me? i'm not gonna waste that on something small. that kind of thing has to get me out of something worth doing it for.

i guess eventually the lower lips gotta come in and save the upper lips when it's obvious a blowjob won't fix the crime.

but then the next question is, how freaky a sista gotta get if she wants him to forget she just totalled his brand new, tricked out hummer...while on her way to another brotha's house...after smoking a bag of weed she didn't bother sharing with him...