something new

i've known this man about fifteen years. fifteen years of friendship i'd never trade for anything.

this, despite the fact our conversations always end up slicing up the same subject matter.

see, this cat is a 30-something year old semi-virgin. i mean, i think he had sex somewhere in his life, although i'm not sure when. i do know the number of times wouldn't be larger than the number of fingers he's got on one hand though.

so inevitably, any discussion we have will transform into a lament about his lack of sexual activity. it happens at times when i think i've safely got him occupied with thoughts of something else, times when i'm thinking to myself "maybe THIS time i won't hear about his girl troubles..." and then BAM! a discussion about atlanta's running backs will somehow mutate into this requiem about a girl he liked who he thought might be 'the one' and instead turns out to be yet another one who broke his heart.

now as his friend, i'm obligated to sit there and listen to him every now and again. however, it's gotten to the point where i no longer know what to say to him. i've tried everything. when he first started with sharing his problems with me about ten years ago, i was like "man, the women in atlanta don't know what they're missing! don't worry...they'll come around."

then it became "dude, so what if that sista isn't the most attractive thing out there? she's willing to give up the ass right? shit, then go for it!"

which turned into "you know what? i'm gonna buy you some pussy for your birthday so you can get some. maybe if you get that under your belt, you can move forward."

which then evolved into "aiight, it's been how many years with this same conversation between us? look...it's obvious you have self-esteem issues, cuz i know some conventionally unattractive guys out there who get so much pussy they gotta give some away just so they can keep up, so i KNOW it ain't about looks..."

and finally ended with the advice i gave him last week "dude...have you tried counseling? i think you should look into that because at this point there is something about you that is making the task of having someone in your life an impossibility."

as the years went on, my belief in his lack of self-esteem was confirmed as i watched him time and again get caught up in some girl only to watch himself become the 'designated friend the girl he digs calls to talk about the guys she digs.' i watched as he became more and more bitter towards black women, getting to the point where he was like "i'm gonna date white women if it's gonna get me a girlfriend..." only white women weren't digging him either and that left him embittered with all women.

it's not like he's an unappealing guy. he has some interests that might not place him in the realm of choice coochie, but i know plenty of comic book and anime fan boys who get some on the regular so it's possible. he's a talented writer and quite observant when he wants to be. he just can't seem to get over that hump to get to humping.

so having said all that, i think it's time i give a few pointers on those things heterosexual women like about guys because i'm sure there are more women out there like me...women who have a male friend who is bringing her down with his constant lamentation about the lack of intimate female companionship.

ten things heterosexual women dig in their men:

1. CONFIDENCE. i don't think i can stress this one enough. this is the foundation of everything when a guy is interacting with me. a guy who is confident and self-assured is gonna get digits, which leads to getting dates, which leads to getting coochie. and it's not just about the approach, cuz there are plenty of confident guys who are just shy so i don't place alot of importance on the 'pick up' (although a guy gets extra credit if he does it in a way where i don't even realize i'm being picked up). it's about how he carries himself during that initial conversation. does he keep the eye contact or does his eyes shift around to land on items around me? if he can't keep eye contact, i'm thinking he's either way insecure or he's shady. either way, i want none of it. however, don't confuse confidence with being overly arrogant and obnoxious. last thing i need is a guy who thinks the sun rises and sets in the crack of his ass. i want him confident enough that he's comfortable in his skin, not too confident where he thinks everything he says and does should be transcribed in gold onto parchment, bound in leather, and sold as the modern day version of the bible.

2. engaging conversation. this ain't about him being a chatterbox. i actually prefer the strong silent type, but even if the brotha doesn't say much, what he say should count. he should be insightful, and i don't mean in that "i'm gonna preach to you what's fucked up with black people"way, either. don't come with the obvious shit that everybody knows about. a woman digs a guy who thinks on his own plane, someone who has observations and opinions that come from his own mind and aren't parroted phrases fed to him from folk around him.

3. don't make it all about the sex. i love to flirt. love it, love it, LOVE IT. meanwhile, if all a guy has to talk about is how he's gonna fuck me, he's pretty much guaranteed he won't be fucking me. if i wanna talk about sports or spirituality, i don't want the brotha twisting every word i say into sexual innuendo. if i hear one more brotha try to make a sexual joke out of 'wide receiver' or 'wide out' or tight end' i'm gonna scream. i wanna know he isn't just looking at me and seeing tits and ass and a sperm recepticle.

4. care. sounds relatively simple, and yet for some it's the hardest shit to do. i mean he should care about something or someone other than himself. care enough to do more than just complain about shit. care enough to do something about it.

5. don't look at us with stars in your eyes. it's one thing to look at me and think i'm the best thing that ever happened to you. it's another thing to look at me and think i'm mother theresa. i promise you i'll be knocked off that pedestal with a quickness as soon as you're hanging around me for the first time during that time of the month. BELIEVE dat. this one is mad important because the guys who are blind to women as real human beings with flaws are the ones who end up being the 'designated friends'. think about it...a guy who doesn't challenge the chick but instead co-signs everything she says and does is much better as a friend she can go to when she wants her fucked up behavior justified than the guy she's gonna make her boyfriend. you'd be no better than a pet, really.

6. have confidence in us. the flip side to number 5 is that a brotha shouldn't be contrary all the time. sistas don't want a dude who questions EVERY damn thing. this implies he has no confidence in a sista's ability to get the job done, has no trust in her as an adult who can make good decisions. being a female comes with its own strengths because of the unique experiences we've had as females. recognize that shit and respect it.

7. we are not your enemy. don't look at me and see the girl who cheated on you or the sista who laughed at what she thought were your shortcomings. i'm brand new to you and deserve the clean slate that affords.

8. be observant. if i say i think flowers on valentines day is corny and unoriginal, don't send me flowers on valentines day. i will not be thinking "well, seeing as they're from HIM they're not corny." no, i'll be thinking "this corny mothafucka sent me flowers just like the rest of the unoriginal brothas out there." if the conversation includes enough questions, a brotha should have alot of clues as to how to keep that sista interested cuz believe it or not, we ain't trying to keep that information from you. we WANT you to know, so we can avoid those moments when we get a wool sweater for christmas months after we told you we were allergic to wool.

9. don't sacrifice who you are and what you believe in to get a sista to dig you. i don't care what anyone has told you, that shit ain't romantic. now it's one thing to broaden your mind and perhaps be able to view a situation or belief from another point of view. however, if you're a baptist and she's atheist, don't go atheist unless that's something you wanted to do anyway. do you and find someone who's cool with you as you are. don't go trying to flip your shit cuz you see your 'dream girl' and want to be the man she desire. that shit NEVA works. you can respect the differences and still have a chance at her.

10. be real. tell and expect the truth. don't play games cuz we ain't kids.

i think that's about it. how about i thought this entry would be mad short? man, i'm verbose even when i don't mean to be...

anyway, i hope this helps my boy out. no doubt he'll read this. please know i don't write this entry to belittle you. i write this entry cuz something's gotta give, dude. something new gotta happen...