Tuesday, November 14, 2006

it's in the signs...

i was in mcdonalds this morning waiting in line to buy an artery-clogging, niggeritis-inducing, constipation catalyzing sau.sage mcm.uff.in with egg and cheese when i just so happen to glance up and see a sign dangling right next to me from the ceiling above. it read:

"our purpose is to serve you hot and nutritious food..."

and i didn't even get to the rest of it cuz i was too busy laughing my ass off at the complete ludicriousness of that statement (i'm not even sure if ludicriousness is a damn word but it applies to this shit here so it's brand new if it ain't)

nutritious? NUTRITIOUS?

i won't even address the fact that more times than not the food is hardly ever hot, but you take your chances with that one. however, that part about nutritious was a straight up bonafide bald-faced lie. i mean a lie on the level of "we're over there on a humanitarian mission" or "i did not have sexual relations with that woman" or "the atla.nta fal.cons can win the super bowl without a passing attack"...

wait...that last one ain't really a lie...i mean, if vick completes the short passes with a play action fake, then he'll make the defense respect the pass, thus opening the running lanes. therefore technically, he only needs to complete about ten short passes with a couple of long ones sprinkled in the mix for the offense to be on point. i mean, he's already got the play action option down to a science, but i digress...


in my quest to figure out the truth behind the advertising, i figure i'd put together a number of honest signage to assist the contituents and consumers out there looking for the real deal from their people and products.

sign outside of oval office:

"our purpose is to first tell you a lie about our own involvement in ter.rori.stic activity, then scare the shit out of you by saying an oil-rich middle-eastern country has weapons of mass destruction, then pull a 'my bad', to which we know you'll forgive us because after all, we're human, right?"

sign outside of doctor's office:

"our purpose is to ask you a few questions, speculating about what it is you have (kinda like the traders do stock, only in this case it'salways a bullshit market) then use our degrees in medicine to come up with all kind of exotic possibilities before peddling pharmaceuticals on your unsuspecting ass so we can receive the kick backs necessary to afford that brand new 7-series mercedes out there in the parking lot."

sign outside of car dealership:

"our purpose is to lull you into a false sense of security by lavishing you with compliments about your intelligence and taste before we exploit your obvious stupidity during the negotiations over the car payments, eventually convincing you to sign a contract stipulating you pay $550 a month for 36 months for a 1990 toy.ota tercel and $753.50 for 'handling fees' which in fact is basically the fee for sitting here talking to you for an hour and basically handing you your ass before sticking you in a car that is guaranteed to break down right after the ten day wait period is over."

sign outside of crackhouse:

"our purpose is to sell you drugs we know will turn you into an addict willing to sell your every earthly possession for a taste of this fake escape before reducing you to a dick-sucking, toothless and twitching corner clown for everybody in the neighborhood to point and laugh at you while your mom changes the locks so you can't easily enter her house and steal her shit, thus forcing you to rob her, eventually killing your uncle during one of your 'episodes' before we send someone to kill you because you tried to pawn off the dvd player you stole from our momma after we bought it for her with the money you stole from your momma to buy the drugs we sold to you."

sign outside of my ex-boyfriend's house:

"my purpose is to meet you, tell you i love you, then proceed to make your life a living hell for the next two years as i do stupid shit like sell drugs, steal your money (cuz i'm too stupid to realize i'm not supposed to smoke the product) and sleep around on your ass, giving you the clap in the process, thus stripping you of every inch of trust you ever thought to have in another man and insuring your future is full of relationships bound for failure because you can't help but remember just how thoroughly i screwed you over."

sign outside of non-profit office:

"our purpose is to raise money for the sole purpose of sustaining the lives we've become accustomed to enjoying while leading the community to believe we actually give a shit about the peasants who utilize our services, peasants we barely tolerate yet seek to make dependent upon our services so that we always have a job, even if that means never empowering a single one of those motherfuckas."

sign outside of republican party national office:

"our purpose is to convince the public that racism doesn't exist and that in fact there is a level playing field and if a person doesn't succeed it's only due to his or lack of character, not because someone sees them as inferior because even though many of us have an aversion to black people it has more to do with the fact that they're poor than the fact that they're black, and they're poor because they're just lazy but we do need their vote in some areas and so we accept the ever-present token tom willing to embrace our philosophy of destroying their communities by thinking the inhabitants are little more than rutting animals who need our 'guidance' in order to become a success in our society."

sign outside of democratic party national office:

"our purpose is to convince the public that we care about everyone of every color and class, pandering to the black community by attending a few of their churches and kissing a few of their babies and attending the n.aacp convention because after all, those have proven to be the most effective way to endear us to them and ensure we receive their vote which is cost-effective because the effort of actually putting legislation on the books that would address their concerns regarding socio-economic inequality would require we actually hold ourselves accountable for the shit we say to them in the heat of a sunday sermon when we adopt their manner of speech and say shit like 'president bush is wack' cuz we know the young black people love it when we talk like them and even though we know their asses won't vote right now, in about a decade they'll be yet another generation of black folk willing to accept our miniscule attention as proof we really care enough to assist them in empowering their communities."

sign outside a hip-hop video shoot:

"our purpose it to create a video that will divert your attention from the complete lack of talent of the artist involved which requires we utilize the talents of hos with big tits and asses willing to wear little more than bras and panties and exploit their god-given natural gifts for the priviledge of sucking the dick of said artist while in the presence of his boys, which will go a long way in proving his street cred and garner him acolades among the set of criminals, unemployed, and drug-addicted populace of his community while also guaranteeing the young female population who see his music video will be convinced the only thing they have to offer a black man is her pride and her pussy, both of which she will become more than willing to give to him eagerly in order to prove her worth to society."

shit...i could go on all day with this, so i'm gonna stop before my sarcasm cuts through this blog and it's irreparable. LOL

i'm sure you can think of some of your own signs for various folk. what you got?