Wednesday, November 01, 2006

lesson learned

the words are lost, probably hiding beneath my denial. this weekend is a retina detached from my mind's eye and i'm blinded to the reality of the situation. if i remain positive, she'll be around a little longer, right?

i'm not looking forward to the holidays. thanksgiving and christmas and new years have become burdened with more significance than they usually hold. thanksgiving is no longer just the day i eat til i'm stuffed and watch football all day. thanksgiving this year is now the first of the last holidays spent with her.

christmas isn't just the day i celebrate christ's birth. now it's the day i stave off granny's death for one more day.

new years will be the time to remember past years when she was healthy and i didn't spend the time with her as i should have cuz really, what's death without regret?

i KNOW i could have been a better granddaughter. no matter how close we are, no matter how much we talk, i could have talked more. i could have paid more attention. i could have better recognized the time with her for how precious it was before she got sick.

such a fucking selfish wish i have, to keep her around so i'm not as regretful at the end. as long as she remains here, i can shower her with all of the attention, the calls, the letters, the visits, everything she should have had from me when she was well. cuz really, i can cram all of those missed moments, all of the gathered memories, all of the conversations and tidbits of wisdom she emparts, into the remaining days, weeks, months i've got with her. yeah, cuz it's like a test i'm studying for at the last minute. when the funeral comes and the minister asks us if we really knew her, if we really appreciated her, i can raise my hand and answer yes and give examples of my superior knowledge of my granny, have the other folk around me nodding in agreement or looking on in surprise cuz i shared something about her they knew nothing about.

they'll think i'm such a good fucking granddaughter cuz i knew her, cuz i loved her and appreciated her.

what a fucking fraud i am.

i didn't even know about her childhood until i read about it in one of the family newletters.

i didn't know her exact age until my uncle died last year and that's after mom and i sat there and added and subtracted the years between my uncle's age and granny's.

i didn't bother asking indepth questions about her life before i was born until the last six years or so...right around the time when i realized she was getting older and wouldn't be around much longer.

yeah, in the end i wasn't nearly the granddaughter i could have been. that's just fact. i'm not feeling sorry for myself. frankly, i'm checking my shit cuz this ain't the time to be magnamous. there is a lesson here and i'd be a fool not to learn it.