Monday, May 01, 2006

the weekend to begin new weekends

(template issues...will be resolved when i get home this evening)...

this past weekend was monumental for me.

not in that "i'd love to re-live every moment of it", cuz i damn sure don't. it was monumental because for the first time in a long time, i experienced the kind of emotional growth and clarity that left me without breath but with a building strength.

friday, 2:30 a.m. - silence lies loudly
friday began with an explosion, the beginning of a battle i didn't realize i'd be participating in. someone close to me found my blog and wasn't too happy with what he saw. his feelings were hurt in that he felt i hadn't expressed myself as candidly to him as i have here in my blog. it was a battle of will, but not mine vs. his. it was a battle of me against myself. throughout the discussion i could feel my mouth wiring itself shut, all of the feelings crashing up against my teeth, their shattered carcasses staining my tongue with blood as i bit into it fiercely. my fingers had always been the escape pod from which my feelings have been released, the words upon paper or screen the vessels within which they lived in expression of themselves.

but not on this night.

on this night i couldn't sit there with a keyboard and write out how i was feeling. i couldn't pull out a pad and scribble black thoughts onto white paper with blue ink. i had to speak them, to leak them through the spaces between my teeth at a pace he would understand. the words couldn't rush forth in uncontrollable bursts of intentionally incomprehensible syntax. this conversation was too important for misunderstanding.

and so i had to speak.

and when he was done talking, i did.

i told him of how i wondered if i chose him not because i loved him, but because i needed him.

i told him of how incomplete i felt in my emotional growth, how the last decade was a debris field of my mistakes and i'd never given myself a chance to redeem myself before we got together.

i told him of how my evolution had eclipsed the boundaries of the relationship and that there was no way i could love him the way he deserved to be loved if i didn't know for a fact i could live without him, the love for myself and my responsibility for myself being strong enough to guarantee my survival.

i explained to him exactly why i had to be by myself. how important it was for me to be selfish right now because no surgeon i know can operate on two bodies at one time.

and when it was said and done, he still didn't understand, but he was trying.

friday, 9:02 a.m. - slave considers running away after being fucked
when i got to work, i was tired but hopeful. unfortunately i'd had to don my 'token negro' persona before stepping through the door, which meant squeezing myself into a tight, bright blue polyester suit of accomodating indifference.

the exchanges i experienced during the day only solidified my determination to find another gig.

my boss 'd': "nikki, can you come over for a quick meeting? i'd like to catch up on things going on in the office while i was out." (this is code for "he wants see if token negro was actually productive while massa was out sick or playing golf or whatever the fuck he was doing when he called in two days in a row).

token negro: "sure, i'll be there in a sec." (this is code for "why the fuck you bothering me first thing in the morning when i've got important shit to do like read blogs???)

i grab my notepad and head to his office.

massa 'd': "i just wanted to get an update on the things we discussed on tuesday." (what did we talk about on tuesday cuz i don't remember.)

token negro: "you're referring to the report i've had to work with the dod on, another report you asked me to create linking number of infractions from two standards to the sic codes listed in the email from john, and the investigation into why the data extricated from the mark report is in discrepancy with the data extricated from our internal database." (let me remind you of just how much fucking work you've given me, right before you make yet another ridiculous demand of my time.)

massa 'd': "uh, yes." (i gave you that much work to do???)

i sat there with my legs crossed, the pencil in my hand tapping against the surface of the notepad resting on my knee.

token negro: "well, i'm still working on the report with the dod, i created the report about the sic codes and its in your box, and the investigation is extensive and requires more time than i've been given up until now." (this investigation is tedious as a mothafucka and you know it, so you betta not give me shit else to do because i've got enough work stacking up without you adding to it.)

massa 'd' pauses. i roll my inner eyes cuz i know his pauses mean he's trying to figure out how to give me more work without it looking like he's piling more work on me. it's like the parent trying to figure out a way to convince the child that cleaning her room is a game, not a chore. meanwhile, i remember when my mom tried that shit with me. i told her to just spank me cuz cleaning my room wasn't fun, that shit was hard labor. she fixed my ass, though. i got the spanking and then was made to clean my room, sore ass and all.

massa 'd': "i need two additional reports by monday at noon." (i won't ask for them by the end of the day because i see you're already swamped.)

token negro: (oh HELL nah. you think you're doing me a favor by giving me until monday to pull two more reports out of my fucking ass as if that shit was as easy as taking a laxative and sitting on a toilet, the ten page documents unfurling expeditiously from my ass like paper from a fax machine? man, FUCK YOU.) "as i said before, the investigation is very extensive, but i will make an effort towards getting you the reports by monday at noon. if i forsee any delay, i'll let you know."

by the time i left his office, i was ready to go online and find a copy of the emancipation proclamation on ebay, documentation on the civil rights movement, shit...ANYTHING to confirm slavery had indeed ended and i wasn't crazy for thinking black folk no longer had to put up with unreasonable demands from massas and the like.

friday, 2:30ish p.m.- ain't no running from nuthin'.
one of the most annoying tasks of being 'grown' is acknowledging when you fuck up. i'd been thinking on how i'd lashed out at a sista, a sista i didn't even know, all because of my own issues. before i wrote the last post, i emailed her to let her know how i was feeling and to apologize for the manner in which i chose to express myself. the brotha involved wasn't too happy about it and in hindsight i could have checked with him first, but shit happens. evidently it was supposed to go down like that.

meanwhile, it ain't a good look when a sista is two-faced (make that 'it ain't good looks). i'd already learned earlier friday that i gained nothing by being dishonest with my emotions. in my dealings with this sista i was surpressing more honest emotions for the sake of trying to encourage her to do what she had to do to get her life together. looking back on it, i can say now i was only willing to encourage her if she did what i wanted her to do, instead of what she wanted to do. it's kinda like having that friend who pisses you off because they ask for advice and you give it to them and then they do the opposite and fuck their shit up, only she never asked me specifically for advice and we're not friends so then maybe that situation ain't comparable. LOL

either way, i got pissed when she did something i didn't agree with morally and personally, only i didn't just get pissed silently. i ended up venting in a public way and what i said wasn't nice AT ALL. bitch move to the nth.

so friday i'm at work thinking about that while i pick cotton underneath the hot office light. i had to get in at least two bales before i left that day and thinking about the hypocrite i was being was preventing me from doing it, so i emailed her to let her know what was up. damn if i didn't feel good afterwards. in fact, i felt so good about it i posted the previous post just to further clear the air.

no, it damn sure didn't feel good looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the kind of sista i would hate to be around if i were someone else. the kind of sista who couldn't be trusted to tell how she really felt. the kind of sista who would rather keep harmony than tell it, even if it meant loosing friends or creating conflict or making her look like bad. but it damn sure felt fucking awesome to say fuck it and get real. every situation in life creates an opportunity for either growth or continued stagnation.

i chose to grow. that shit ain't like the caterpillar chillin in the cocoon before breaking through and becoming a butterfly. on the surface, i haven't changed at all. all of damage from shoving up against the fear i've held in front of me preventing me from becoming more dynamic is all internal.

its that sinus infection i can't seem to shake, no matter how much medicine i take. it's that cramp in my back that nags at me most when i clinch up my muscles in an attempt to prevent my emotions from spilling from my mouth. its that pain in my chest i get every now and again to remind me my spirit is still slowly suffocating and that its life depends on my freedom.

i got more to say but i got work to do. two reports by noon. (man, FUCK YOU!)