what was the universe trying to tell me this morning?

what a great fucking morning!

i only got about four hours of sleep but really, who needs sleep?

so i got up this morning...actually it was more like i evolved in stages from sleep to wakefulness. i slapped the alarm clock across the room, smiling sleepily as i heard its impact against the wall, then turned over to catch about ten more minutes of rest. thirty minutes later i was up and racing for the shower.

the hot water pelleted my face like rocks, piercing my skin into awareness as i took a deep breath and almost drowned after inhaling what had to be a gallon of water. i coughed up a lung, a kidney, and at least one ovary but i wasn't fretting cuz folk only need one of each of those to live. i stood there and let the water carve paths down my body before grabbing for the soap, which promptly escaped my fingers and fell to the tub surface below. reaching down to collect it, i suddenly realized i didn't have on my shower cap so my locs were suddenly drenched and dangling around my face like strips of an old wet rug.

so now i'm grappling around in the dark cuz my locs are all up in my face and i can't get the damn things away from my eyes fast enough to get my hands on the soap. i start kicking around trying to get my feet next to the soap so i can corner it and pull it up. i lifted my foot, took one swing for the soap, and promptly lost my footing as the slippery enamel surface disengaged itself from the bottom of my planted foot and i was suddenly airborne.

"shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

the water was laughing at me as i curled up into a ball, frantically extended my hands beneath me and braced for the impending slam against the tub floor.

WHAM!

the water was gurgling at me hysterically, haphazardly tossing drops of its glee at my sprawled form now drenched, damaged, damned and disgusted at the way the morning was shaping itself. i lay there for about three minutes, searching for just the right string of expletives to adequately describe just how fucking pissed off i was. it never materialized.

made my way slowly to an upright position, grabbing the shower curtain to anchor my upward progress.

RIIIIIIIP!

oh, that's just fucking GREAT.

i glanced up and saw the shower curtain pulled from the rings and felt its ends covering my lower body. i was still sitting in the tub, my mind trying to convince the rest of me this was just a bad dream and that i'd be waking up momentarily.

right around the time the hot water ran out and i was being deluged with a shower of ice was when i realized it was no dream even though it had all the proper makings of a nightmare. every muscle in my body ached as i leaned forward to turn off the water.

i inched my way out of the tub in degrees, crawling across the bathroom floor to the doorframe where i clutched the doorknob and pulled myself up. there was water everywhere. i didn't give a fuck. i reached for my towel and decrepidly ran it across my body, not caring if i was thorough or not. then i dragged my feet across the carpet, making my way to the phone. i picked up the receiver and dialed.

"good morning, this is valerie."

"uh, val, this is nikki. i'm gonna be a little late today. let dan know." my voice was crusty from lack of use.

"okay," she replied. "see you when you get in."

after hanging up the phone i made my way to the couch and fell onto it in exhaustion. i fell asleep right there, hopeful i could erase the memory of this morning from my conscious.

this was do over morning.