dumping ground, pt. 1

it's that vortex of all vanity
that retainer of refuse
that bottomless pit of shameful shits
it's...

the office toilet.

folk for the most part don't like to drop deuce at work. we try to train our bodies so that it dumps either before work or after work, as if we have the ability to train a colon like we would a collie, making it roll over and play dead until we got home. some folk are so paranoid about the prospect of dropping a load at work they don't eat during the day, instead eating only when they know they'll be home long enough to push it out before they go somewhere.

for the remaining few of us who can't get our bodies potty trained, we've got to resort to more extreme measures. we've gotta find some place where we know if it really came to it, we could take a shit uninterrupted.

for some of us in my department, that place is the ground floor level bathroom, better known as our triple 's'...'stealth shitting spot.'

i located it about a week after my department had moved into the building. unfortunately, my history of shitting at work had made it necessary to case the joint in search of a new spot to 'drop it like it's hot'. on the way to the back parking lot, i noticed a small hallway off of the main path, leading to two doors facing each other. i looked around. no traffic. good. the most important feature of a 'triple s' spot is that it be in an area with little traffic you won't be spotted heading to the bathroom while other folk stand around saying to themselves "she's 'bout to go take a shit" cuz they know you work on the third floor so you had to pass three bathrooms to get to this one.

i walked up to the doors, hoping one of them was the entryway to worry-free deuce dropping and was ecstatic when i saw the sign with the lady with the floating bald head on it. i pushed the door open and stepped through the entryway to make sure it had all of the essential items.

bright lighting for reading when necessary...check...

paper towels for drying hands...check...

clean sink with soap dispenser for washing hands...check...

good ventilation so the smell doesn't linger...check...

but those were just the little things to make the experience complete. what i really wanted to know was what was going on behind the stalls. i observed the wheelchair accessible stall at the end.

oh YEEEEEESSSSS...

elbow room and leg room for when i want to sprawl out during the dropping episode...check...

i opened the stall door and stepped inside, noticing immediately the cleanliness of the area.

check...

full toilet paper dispenser...check...
disposable paper seat covers...check...

my eyes widened in both surprise and pleasure when i peeped the toilet. it was shiny and white like my boss after his noontime run only the toilet didn't have an odor and was gleaming invitingly as it gave me an open-mouthed grin. this face looked to be just the right size for my ass to sit on but i had to check and make sure, so i sat down.

non-slippery surface so i don't have to worry about falling in...check...

large enough opening for me to feel as though my bombs won't hit anything on the way down...check...

i stood up and leaned over the toilet, peering into the hole. the bowl itself was deep, which meant there'd be no plopping of water on my ass after the dropping.

check...

finally, i flushed the toilet to see how fast the water took everything away. while it definitely wasn't quiet, it was effective, which meant i could drop and flush without having to worry about little presents being left behind.

check...

it was perfect!

i practically skipped to my car that day, ecstatic about having found the new 'triple s'.

for six months a few of my co-workers and i experienced 'triple s' priviledges. miraculously, none of us ever entered the spot when someone else was there. i never even encountered the remnants of a toxic dumping when i stepped through the entryway. it was almost as if i had found a secret door to a bathroom in another dimension! i started getting comfortable with it, bringing in my reports to read while i did my thing. it was really like i was shitting at home!

and then 'they' moved in.