ten attributes of my perfect lover

olawunmi decided to tag me because he hates me. he really does. i mean, how else would you explain how in light of recent events i would suddenly be asked to make a list of the attributes for my perfect lover. it's almost as if he knew i was about to make a transition into another phase of my life and needed to clarify what i would want in my mate.

ten attributes of my perfect lover that would guarantee a brotha would never get rid of me unless he murdered me and even then i'd haunt that bastid for the rest of his life:


1. must be open.
open to change, open to grow, open to spiritual assessment, open to self-introspection, open to obtaining knowledge, open to the possibilities, open to love and the vulnerability it will create within him. this doesn't mean i don't want him to be strong in his beliefs. i would like for him to be aware of what challenges him and be willing to evolve in a way where those challenges will not hold him back from what he is destined to be and do. this means i would like for him not to resist what life brings to him for the sake of remaining unchanged, and be willing to assess life in a way that does not make him a stagnant spirit.

2. must be honest.
he will tell the truth instead of lying, even if the truth will create conflict between us. he will acknowledge those aspects of his personality that aren't necessarily positive because he recognizes the importance of sharing all aspects of himself with me, knowing that i will understand (most of the time anyway) that he is a fluid human being and with that means there will be times when he might not make the best decision for himself or us.

3. must be proactive.
passiveness is the one thing i simply cannot tolerate in a mate. it proves to be the root of most problems in a relationship because passiveness means a brotha won't think outside of the box, won't consider making plans for us without encouragement from me, won't engage within the community unless i suggest it, won't begin an uncomfortable discussion unless i start it first. people who find happiness in their lives actively seek it out and don't wait for it to land in their laps. he's gotta recognize that a partnership with me means i'm willing to defer to him at times because i trust his judgement and therefore, he doesn't have to wait for me to give him the 'okay' or for god to 'bless' him with rewards without effort on his part. he won't be afraid of making mistakes because he recognizes it's part of life.

4. must be actively compassionate.
he won't be that cat who only pontificates about the issues facing the poor and black communities. he won't focus on the negative things that 'black folk do'. he will care enough to be an active citizen within the community, whether through volunteering or community activism or whatever other way he sees will assist in the endeavor of empowering folk who believe themselves to be powerless. that is my mission and i want my partner to be just as passionate about it as i am.

5. must not let me get away with shit.
he has to have a certain amount of insight into my behavior and motivations and be willing to call me out on it when he sees i'm behaving in a way that's contrary to the relationship or myself for that matter. he will see through all of the bullshit i throw in his way and tell me that's exactly what it is...bullshit. he will push me when he sees i need that push. in other words, brotha will really understand me, really 'get' me and not be afraid to check me when necessary.

6. must love music and the written word and sports.
i love these things very much. they are a major part of my life and i would like for my mate to share in that love. i love live music and going to spoken words and book readings and plays and sporting events. i love talking about these things alot, too. this brotha will want to share these experiences with me and will find as much enjoyment in them as i do. if he's a writer, that's a plus. we would challenge each other in our creative endeavors.

7. must accept me, imperfections and all, and love me not in spite of them, but because of them.
i'm not sized like tyra banks. i'm not patient like mother theresa. i'm not a very neat person. i don't think my living space has to be showplace clean at every moment. i fart, i curse, i get loud (especially if i'm watching sports), i'm opinionated, i'm sarcastic, i'm competitive, i'm lazy at times, i'm forgetful, i'm uncommunicative at times, i'm stubborn. i'm also working on some of those things but others are just a part of my emotional make up and aren't necessarily bad things. he will see this and love those things about me.

8. must be passionate and confident with his sensuality.
what he loves, he loves with all of him and is willing to show it. he will enjoy the intimacy that comes with making love and be unafraid of expressing himself sexually. he will be creative and romantic and responsive and intuitive and willing to adjust in order to make the experience rewarding for both of us. he won't be afraid to tell me what he wants and how and when. he won't have a problem with me coming to his job during his break and taking him to the car and sucking him off and he would think of similar spontaneous intimate moments for to spring on me.

9. must be willing to do the little things to make our relationship work.
this includes romantic gestures done on any day but holidays, open communication at all times, and a willingness to do the things that will ensure our relationship continues to grow stronger and never becomes stagnant.

10. his love must uplift me.
i will find solace in it, joy in it, pain in it, security in it, motivation to continue to grow in it. i will be my most beautiful self when i'm cloaked in it. i will be my most confident self when i'm immersed in it. his love will be the pinch of seasoning tossed in to make my life the tastiest it's ever been. his love will be the fiber and nutrients essential to assisting me in ridding myself of the shit that might bog me down. his love will fortify my spirit with the strength i need to wake up each morning emotionally and mentally more fit than the day before. his love will be a direct reflection of my love for him.

aiight. now i'm tagging folk:

naima, kween, aquababie, ladynay, unsaid, t. casanova, zed, west, chezniki, michelle, honey libra, insanelysane