no doubt about it. i understand the effects of a patriarchal society upon the self-esteem and sense of self-worth of women. i've personally experienced the results of the sense of entitlement many men feel regarding the domain of a woman's body as a result of some of the messages put forth in a society whose power structure is constructed and dominated by men. i know there are plenty of women out there who are being exploited and objectified. i get it.
but as someone who is aware of these things and believes strongly enough in the fight for the empowerment of women to put action to words, i find there are women in the feminist movement out there who would have an issue with me. why?
because every now and again, i wanna be fucked.
no, i'm not talking about the sensual slow stroking, tender caressing, gentle kissing kind of intimacy. i'm talking about the ass-cheek squeezin', dick in twat ramming, bed headboard putting dents in the wall pounding, clutching and screaming, straight up unadulterated fucking. there are times i WANT to submit.
and there ain't a damn thing wrong with it.
it would seem there are those members of the womens' movement who believe my admittance of such desires is me saying i am cool with women being objectified because when it's fucking and not making love, there is no 'respect of the rights of women' placed in the equation. we're reduced to tits and ass when it's about fucking. men aren't appreciating our minds and our contributions to society. you know what? i'm not appreciating their minds or their contributions to society either. i'm thinking about his dick and all the ways he's gonna fuck me with it. i'm thinking about his mouth and all the ways he's gonna lick me, suck me, kiss me, bite me with it. i'm thinking about his hands and all the ways he's gonna use them to blaze new trails of discovery across my face, my tits, my stomach, my legs, my ass, my pussy.
i'm not giving one thought to the fact that brotha might be making more money than me because he's a guy. the fact that he probably got to his position of power because he's a man ain't crossing my mind at any time during that moment.
i want him to look at my body and see a mocha land he wants to invade by any means necessary. i want him to see my breasts and want to worship them for the beautifully god-rendered globes they are. i want him to see my pussy and know he could spend forever stroking those folds with force or with tenderness and never get tired of the feel of it. i want him to look at my ass and feel the need to place his hands on them because just looking at them reminds him of juicy apples and he wants to take a bite. i want him to see my mouth and be addicted to the taste of it.
does that make me a purveyor of oppression? does that make me a supporter of men behaving violently towards women?
HELL nah.
what that makes me is a woman. a woman who is damn proud of the fact that she's a woman and not a man. a woman who appreciates and shit, fucking WORSHIPS the differences found on a man's form and in his demeanor. a woman who is proud of those things that make her uniquely female. a woman who knows that traits like aggression, independence, althletic prowess, and intelligence are universal traits and my having them does not make me less womanly. they make me more human.
so fuck you if you think that me swishing my ass when i walk means i'm objectifying myself.
fuck you if you think me wearing a skirt that shows off my legs is me saying "don't appreciate me for my mind".
fuck you if you think the fact that i don't mind a man seeing these tits and that ass and forgetting everything else means i'm cool with him disrepecting women.
because i'm a woman. because these and that are a part of this. there ain't no shame in glorifying in them. ain't no shame in appreciating being a female with a female's form.
cuz in the end, he's a fucking adult. if he disrespects or objectifies or fails to appreciate women, that's his fucking problem to deal with and i ain't dimming my shine just so his issues with women are easier for him to resolve.
the whole point of women's rights in my mind is to demand acceptance, appreciation, and respect for who we are as women, not fight for the right to be just like men. ultimately we're all human. that's where the fight for equality really is.
men got their shit on lock.
thank god for that.
cuz there is a time and a place for the appreciation of me for my mind to assert itself and when that time is upon me, i do what i gotta do.
when i'm being fucked ain't one of those times.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
and her little dog, too.
her drawl reminded me of a piece of taffy being pulled for miles and miles without breaking. whenever i heard it on my voicemail at work, i sighed because i knew i was about to hear a message that would last as long as a presidential 'state of the union' address.
"hey there, nikki," she'd start off, "this is carol. i'm not comin' inta the office this mornin'. seems there's an opossum stuck in mah chimney and i caint get it out. i called one of those chimney sweepin' people to stop by and handle it, but they told me i had to call animal control. well, i called animal control but all i got was the answerin' machine. i didn't leave a message because i wuzzint sure when somebody was gonna call me back and i really need somebody to get out here to take care..." click. see, this is where the voicemail cuts off cuz her longwinded ass couldn't just say "i ain't coming in, the end."
but it gets better, because she'd immediately call back to continue with her rendition of 'war and opossum pieces"
"hey there, nikki," she continues, "i was cut off before i could finish tellin' you why i'm not comin' in to work. so as i was sayin', there's a dead opossum stuck in my chimney an' i caint get it out and i've been tryin' to get a hold of animal control so they can come get this opossum 'cause it's stinkin' really bad and mah dogs are barkin' somethin' fierce and i know if i don't take care of this problem soon we're all gonna be dead from the opossum fumes."
pause. this pause means she's about to wrap it up. thank fucking goodness.
"so tell everybody i'm not gonna be in until they come get this opossum. thanks." click.
the breath i'd been holding releases like an explosion through my lips.
she's one of my co-workers. she's known for leaving long phone messages, talking ten minutes abut the paper clip shortage, and not washing her hands after she uses the bathroom. whenever we have a department function where folk are supposed to bring in homemade dishes, i always ask her what she brought so i know what to avoid when i'm in line picking out my food. if she doesn't wash her hands after wiping her ass, there's no telling what's in her tuna casserole.
one day i was walking past her desk. actually, it was more like running past her desk cuz she has a way of hijacking folk with the skill of a middle eastern operative.
"nikki!", she starts off as i glance over at her and pick up the pace of my walking, "WAIT!"
i stopped and turned around, trying to put on my best impression of 'crazy angry negro token bitch''. it's that look that's supposed to scare white folk into leaving me the fuck alone because they don't know what the crazy angry negro token bitch's gonna do. you know, cuz i'm black and from the ghetto.
"cumere a sec. i've got somethin' ta show you."
THAT was exactly what i was trying to avoid. i sighed as i realized my 'look' was no longer effective. shit, but i've been around these mothafuckas for too damn long. i had become as threatening as a mammy. i suddenly envisioned carol attaching one of her hungry brats to my teat while i rubbed his head and thought about all that cotton i'd have to pick later on in the day. is dat the sound o'dawgs barkin' i hear? chile, i best ta be tellin' massa one of those uppity niggers don' run off again..."
SHIT. snapping out of my nightmare, i blinked and looked at her. she was waving me over to her desk. i begrudgedly walked towards her. the closer i get to her desk, the more the air became seized with the distinct smell of sweaty ass and i wrinkled my nose in protest.
"look here!"
i didn't want to look anywhere. all i wanted to do was get to whatever mundane, spirit shriveling, brain sapping, peon designated assignment i'd been commanded to complete. you know it's bad when you'd rather be tortured by some shitty task at work than stand around and talk about nothing. carol had that effect on me, though. ever since she'd called me "girl", i'd had to bite my lip to stop myself from calling her "nasty ass heffa".
i was biting my lip right then as the words were beating against my teeth, demanding exit. moving my glance towards the direction of her pointed finger, i noticed a little brown ball of fur on the carpet behind her desk. my first thought was she'd shit furry turds onto the floor. then i realized that didn't make any fucking sense so i just looked at it and waited for her to tell me what it was.
"that's mah dog, mr. puddles"
i blinked.
you brought a fucking dog to work? a fucking DOG? a fucking dog named MISTER PUDDLES?
my eyes widened a little bit as i adjusted my eyeglasses and leaned over to take a closer look. it must have sensed a negro/burglar/murderer was in its general vicinity because it suddenly raised its little head and let out a little yelp. wtf?
two little eyes as dark as a night ripe for a cross-burning were staring up at me. i wasn't sure if the dog was supposed to look that sad or if it looked sad because carol was its owner. either way, it was still cute and the sight of it tugged at my little doggie weakness. i dropped to my haunches to get a closer look. it was still and silent, staring up at me with what appeared to be a pleading look in its eyes. i frowned. are dogs supposed to have a look of plea on their faces?
"hey there little fella," i whispered to it, smiling as it hesitantly stood on its legs and made its way towards me. it looked me over for a second, then started licking on my outstretched fingers. then it started yipping happily. what a cute little dog!
"mr. puddles is a little cutie, carol" i said as he continued licking my fingers and yelping, "he's an energetic thing, isn't he?"
she stared down at mr. puddles proudly, like a momma who'd just received praise from a teacher about her child.
"mr. puddles is mah sweet lil baby, aren't you mah precious lil boy..."
she started talking 'pet owner babble' in that tone i always hear when grown folk are talking to infants. it was irritating.
aiight, cute moment over...i gotta bounce.
"well, he's definitely sweet," i was straightening up and about to make my way to...DAMN. i forgot where i was headed. i'd have to go back to my office and retrace my thoughts until the memory of my task again latched itself to my conscious. i sighed. attention deficit disorder is a fucking BITCH.
"yes he is, isn't he?" her face was beaming. i glanced down at the dog who was now sniffing and licking my shoes. this has got to be the most lickenist dog i've ever seen in my life. i gave my foot a little shake to move mr. puddles off of my shoe.
"aiight, well i've gotta get some work done. thanks for letting me check out your dog," i said over my shoulder as i swiveled and headed back to my office, "uh...i'll talk to you later."
i heard a high-pitched yelp, muffled like the dog was being put into a bag or something. i turned my head to see her placing the dog at her feet beneath the folds of her long skirt. she's hiding the dog. the dog she brought to work. i rolled my eyes and walked back to my office.
later in the day, i stepped into the bathroom to wash my hands of the crumbs from the bologna and cheese sammich i'd had for lunch. as i turn on the the faucet for the water, i hear a muffled, high-pitched yelp coming from one of the stalls behind me. what the fuck? she brought the fucking dog in with her while she took a tinkle?
evidently she had, cuz the muffled yelping sound came again and then there was a rustling in the stall. and then i heard what sounded like licking noises.
i started quickly washing my hands. i had to get the fuck outta there. a woman, a bathroom stall, and a licking dog wasn't anything i was trying to contemplate at any point in my life ever.
at that moment, i suddenly remembered the urban legend about the lady, the dog, and the peanut butter.
i heard more rustling in the stall and more muffled yelps.
i didn't even bother drying my hands. i just turned off the faucet and ran the fuck outta there.
as she was leaving for the day, carol stopped by my office with mr. puddles in her arms. i looked into his eyes and witnessed that pleading look there again.
if i'd had to do what i think you had to do, i'd be pleading, too.
he yelped.
poor little doggie...
"hey there, nikki," she'd start off, "this is carol. i'm not comin' inta the office this mornin'. seems there's an opossum stuck in mah chimney and i caint get it out. i called one of those chimney sweepin' people to stop by and handle it, but they told me i had to call animal control. well, i called animal control but all i got was the answerin' machine. i didn't leave a message because i wuzzint sure when somebody was gonna call me back and i really need somebody to get out here to take care..." click. see, this is where the voicemail cuts off cuz her longwinded ass couldn't just say "i ain't coming in, the end."
but it gets better, because she'd immediately call back to continue with her rendition of 'war and opossum pieces"
"hey there, nikki," she continues, "i was cut off before i could finish tellin' you why i'm not comin' in to work. so as i was sayin', there's a dead opossum stuck in my chimney an' i caint get it out and i've been tryin' to get a hold of animal control so they can come get this opossum 'cause it's stinkin' really bad and mah dogs are barkin' somethin' fierce and i know if i don't take care of this problem soon we're all gonna be dead from the opossum fumes."
pause. this pause means she's about to wrap it up. thank fucking goodness.
"so tell everybody i'm not gonna be in until they come get this opossum. thanks." click.
the breath i'd been holding releases like an explosion through my lips.
she's one of my co-workers. she's known for leaving long phone messages, talking ten minutes abut the paper clip shortage, and not washing her hands after she uses the bathroom. whenever we have a department function where folk are supposed to bring in homemade dishes, i always ask her what she brought so i know what to avoid when i'm in line picking out my food. if she doesn't wash her hands after wiping her ass, there's no telling what's in her tuna casserole.
one day i was walking past her desk. actually, it was more like running past her desk cuz she has a way of hijacking folk with the skill of a middle eastern operative.
"nikki!", she starts off as i glance over at her and pick up the pace of my walking, "WAIT!"
i stopped and turned around, trying to put on my best impression of 'crazy angry negro token bitch''. it's that look that's supposed to scare white folk into leaving me the fuck alone because they don't know what the crazy angry negro token bitch's gonna do. you know, cuz i'm black and from the ghetto.
"cumere a sec. i've got somethin' ta show you."
THAT was exactly what i was trying to avoid. i sighed as i realized my 'look' was no longer effective. shit, but i've been around these mothafuckas for too damn long. i had become as threatening as a mammy. i suddenly envisioned carol attaching one of her hungry brats to my teat while i rubbed his head and thought about all that cotton i'd have to pick later on in the day. is dat the sound o'dawgs barkin' i hear? chile, i best ta be tellin' massa one of those uppity niggers don' run off again..."
SHIT. snapping out of my nightmare, i blinked and looked at her. she was waving me over to her desk. i begrudgedly walked towards her. the closer i get to her desk, the more the air became seized with the distinct smell of sweaty ass and i wrinkled my nose in protest.
"look here!"
i didn't want to look anywhere. all i wanted to do was get to whatever mundane, spirit shriveling, brain sapping, peon designated assignment i'd been commanded to complete. you know it's bad when you'd rather be tortured by some shitty task at work than stand around and talk about nothing. carol had that effect on me, though. ever since she'd called me "girl", i'd had to bite my lip to stop myself from calling her "nasty ass heffa".
i was biting my lip right then as the words were beating against my teeth, demanding exit. moving my glance towards the direction of her pointed finger, i noticed a little brown ball of fur on the carpet behind her desk. my first thought was she'd shit furry turds onto the floor. then i realized that didn't make any fucking sense so i just looked at it and waited for her to tell me what it was.
"that's mah dog, mr. puddles"
i blinked.
you brought a fucking dog to work? a fucking DOG? a fucking dog named MISTER PUDDLES?
my eyes widened a little bit as i adjusted my eyeglasses and leaned over to take a closer look. it must have sensed a negro/burglar/murderer was in its general vicinity because it suddenly raised its little head and let out a little yelp. wtf?
two little eyes as dark as a night ripe for a cross-burning were staring up at me. i wasn't sure if the dog was supposed to look that sad or if it looked sad because carol was its owner. either way, it was still cute and the sight of it tugged at my little doggie weakness. i dropped to my haunches to get a closer look. it was still and silent, staring up at me with what appeared to be a pleading look in its eyes. i frowned. are dogs supposed to have a look of plea on their faces?
"hey there little fella," i whispered to it, smiling as it hesitantly stood on its legs and made its way towards me. it looked me over for a second, then started licking on my outstretched fingers. then it started yipping happily. what a cute little dog!
"mr. puddles is a little cutie, carol" i said as he continued licking my fingers and yelping, "he's an energetic thing, isn't he?"
she stared down at mr. puddles proudly, like a momma who'd just received praise from a teacher about her child.
"mr. puddles is mah sweet lil baby, aren't you mah precious lil boy..."
she started talking 'pet owner babble' in that tone i always hear when grown folk are talking to infants. it was irritating.
aiight, cute moment over...i gotta bounce.
"well, he's definitely sweet," i was straightening up and about to make my way to...DAMN. i forgot where i was headed. i'd have to go back to my office and retrace my thoughts until the memory of my task again latched itself to my conscious. i sighed. attention deficit disorder is a fucking BITCH.
"yes he is, isn't he?" her face was beaming. i glanced down at the dog who was now sniffing and licking my shoes. this has got to be the most lickenist dog i've ever seen in my life. i gave my foot a little shake to move mr. puddles off of my shoe.
"aiight, well i've gotta get some work done. thanks for letting me check out your dog," i said over my shoulder as i swiveled and headed back to my office, "uh...i'll talk to you later."
i heard a high-pitched yelp, muffled like the dog was being put into a bag or something. i turned my head to see her placing the dog at her feet beneath the folds of her long skirt. she's hiding the dog. the dog she brought to work. i rolled my eyes and walked back to my office.
later in the day, i stepped into the bathroom to wash my hands of the crumbs from the bologna and cheese sammich i'd had for lunch. as i turn on the the faucet for the water, i hear a muffled, high-pitched yelp coming from one of the stalls behind me. what the fuck? she brought the fucking dog in with her while she took a tinkle?
evidently she had, cuz the muffled yelping sound came again and then there was a rustling in the stall. and then i heard what sounded like licking noises.
i started quickly washing my hands. i had to get the fuck outta there. a woman, a bathroom stall, and a licking dog wasn't anything i was trying to contemplate at any point in my life ever.
at that moment, i suddenly remembered the urban legend about the lady, the dog, and the peanut butter.
i heard more rustling in the stall and more muffled yelps.
i didn't even bother drying my hands. i just turned off the faucet and ran the fuck outta there.
as she was leaving for the day, carol stopped by my office with mr. puddles in her arms. i looked into his eyes and witnessed that pleading look there again.
if i'd had to do what i think you had to do, i'd be pleading, too.
he yelped.
poor little doggie...
Saturday, February 04, 2006
my dream will be my reality
i dreamt of my uncle last night. my uncle homey who died in december. i was shocked to see him there, cuz frankly, i'd never dreamt of him when i was alive. he and i weren't as close as we could have been because he was too angry with the unhappiness of his life to embrace those around him.
anyway, in my dream i'm sitting in a room that was familiar to the dreaming me when he walks in. we just stared at each other, sizing each other up like we were wary of the intimacy of the moment. even in the dream i knew he wasn't supposed to be there because he was supposed to be dead. i felt an overwhelming wave of profoundness in the moment, like i knew he was there for a reason...a life-altering reason.
he started talking to me, but now that i think back on the dream, i can't remember what he was saying to me. we had a long conversation, too.
i awoke with a start, a stream of adrenaline coursing through my body. i'd only had four hours of sleep, but it felt like i'd had a whole eight hours. i lay there staring at the ceiling, feeling in tuned with myself for the first time in a long time. the silence of the room was the fertile soil from which the thoughts of my mind were unfurling, their crystalized petals becoming the staircase leading me to a higher level of self-awareness.
i climbed those stairs, the burden upon my heart crumbling to crunch beneath my feet as i headed towards the light ahead of me.
the light into day. the light into knowing. the light into now.
anyway, in my dream i'm sitting in a room that was familiar to the dreaming me when he walks in. we just stared at each other, sizing each other up like we were wary of the intimacy of the moment. even in the dream i knew he wasn't supposed to be there because he was supposed to be dead. i felt an overwhelming wave of profoundness in the moment, like i knew he was there for a reason...a life-altering reason.
he started talking to me, but now that i think back on the dream, i can't remember what he was saying to me. we had a long conversation, too.
i awoke with a start, a stream of adrenaline coursing through my body. i'd only had four hours of sleep, but it felt like i'd had a whole eight hours. i lay there staring at the ceiling, feeling in tuned with myself for the first time in a long time. the silence of the room was the fertile soil from which the thoughts of my mind were unfurling, their crystalized petals becoming the staircase leading me to a higher level of self-awareness.
i climbed those stairs, the burden upon my heart crumbling to crunch beneath my feet as i headed towards the light ahead of me.
the light into day. the light into knowing. the light into now.
Friday, February 03, 2006
sheeeee's SAFE!
"Today is your wedding day
And that's a beautiful thing
No use in me going into
The way things used to be
How I cared for you
You cared for me
And that wasn't that long ago
But I can't help but smile
As you walk down the aisle
Cause there's one thing I know, hey-hey
Every time you close your eyes at night
You know inside your heart
That something ain't right
And things are not the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me
I know you're thinking 'bout me, yeah" - brian mcknight, thinkin' bout me
i wanna laugh at this, i really do. i mean come on, this guy is telling a girl on her wedding day that she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life and that she's gonna end up thinking about brian's ass for the duration of her marriage to that other cat. the nerve of him even showing up on her day like that. he just put himself out there like an idiot!
hilarious, ain't it? downright egotistical to the nth degree. i should be laughing my ass off at this.
but when i look closer, these lyrics ain't all that funny. when i look closer, i see a sista who might decide to play the safe route cuz her love with brian was too violatile. after all, the worst thing in a sista's life is instability.
this song is representing what might happen when folk choose safe over the situation that could emotionally prove to be either the most rewarding or the most hurtful experience he or she ever has to live through.
now of course, this song could also represent a brotha who has no idea he was a really lousy boyfriend and is too immature to be in grown folk relationships. kinda like that scene from the five heartbeats when j.t. was telling duck's girl "baby, how you gonna marry him when you love me?"
...but it wasn't a sincere declaration of his love, it was more like him telling her his dick was such a fulfilling meal that anything afterwards would be merely an appetizer that she would quickly grow dissatisfied with. every time i watch that scene, i laugh when she basically tells him "baby, it was only ever about the dick with you. i can get dick and everything else with duck."
so the song can be seen two ways, but i'm gonna see it from the "come on girl, you know this is the real shit" perspective cuz it presents a dilemma that many sistas gotta face sometime in life...
do we follow our heart or our head?
i've already posted about my own struggle with this decision. on the one hand, isn't love about feeling safe and secure? so what if your spirit shrivels a little each day because your soul remains unstirred? so what if you feel a piece of you reaching for something seemingly unattainable from between the bars of the cage you've placed yourself in. so what if you feel a little restless because the relationship is so easy, you could do it in your sleep. isn't that what everybody wants? he's nice and caring and responsible and listens to you for the most part. in other words, he's that 'good brotha' everyone has told you you're supposed to appreciate and not leave for the 'heartbreaker'. you two don't argue, don't disrespect each other, and consider each other's feelings in all situations. that's love, right? it's so riskfree, you'd be a fool not to take the deal.
i mean, consider the alternative. you might end up with a guy who shakes you up so bad on the inside that you're not sure if you can control any of the emotions bubbling to the surface. you won't be able to stand next to him without your knees going weak or your heart palpitating, or your hands getting clammy because his heat is so incendiary you feel like theres lava boiling beneath the surface of your skin. you'll spend so much time staring at his lips and envisioning them over every part of your body that you'll look like a vacuous idiot as people try to talk to you and you reply to them with an absent-minded "wha...?"
who wants to be in constant lust for someone like that? next thing you know, you'll be fucking him in the movie theatre parking lot because you know if you don't, you'll be trying to sit on his lap during the movie.
not only that, but he'll probably be all passionate and heart-driven. do you know what that means??? it means you two are gonna be arguing at least once a week. so what if you end up fucking after each shouting session because the arguing made you so horny you start rubbing your clit through your pants and tweeking your nipples right there in front of him while he's yelling his explanation of why he thinks dungy should take the offense-calling duties away from peyton (and really, he's got to be an idiot to think there'd be ANY legitimacy to THAT argument). so what if he's got bite marks on his neck because the feelings were so overwhelming you felt the uncontrollable need to rip a piece from him to keep inside you.
his passion means he's gonna challenge you, probably when you don't want that shit to happen. you won't be able to get away with SHIT. anytime you come with an opinion that doesn't have a valid leg to stand on, he's gonna call you out on it. who wants THAT shit? who wants a guy who not only disagrees with you, but actually has the audacity to furnish a plausible argument as to why you're wrong and he's right! oh HELLZ nah. that shit sounds extremely unappealing.
safe is so much better. with safe, you don't have to worry about your heart stopping or your blood racing or your hands sweating or losing your voice because you kept trying to convince him it wasn't peyton's fault the colts lost (even though you know in your heart he made a valid argument, which makes you wanna fuck him even MORE). all that violatile shit can be cast aside when you're dealing with safe. *whew* you can lay back, kick up your heels, and take comfort in the fact that he doesn't care enough about what you care about to the point where he'll do more than nod when you voice your opinion.
no disagreement. no conflict. just a harmonous existence that people dream of having with their mate.
dealing with a guy who will force you to love hard means dealing with the possibility of getting hurt. hurt BAD. he can't possibly be trustworthy enough to take care of your whole heart. passion is synonymous with instability, isn't it? a guy who is always level-headed and never feels deeply enough about something to get heated...that's the guy you want. that's the guy you NEED.
safe is soooo much better.
"I know he thinks you're crying
Cause it's the happiest you've ever known
But girl you'd just be lying
Cause what he doesn't know
You're strong for me
You belong to me
And here's the one last chance for you to go
Cause every time you close your eyes at night
You know inside your heart
That something ain't right
And things are not the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me
It may not be tomorrow
But there will come a day
But when you realize I hope its not too late
Cause things won't be the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me"
shut up, brian. even if there's something missing, at least he can't hurt me.
but YOU...YOU have the power to break my heart.
or build upon it.
i don't know, and not knowing is too much of a risk.
And that's a beautiful thing
No use in me going into
The way things used to be
How I cared for you
You cared for me
And that wasn't that long ago
But I can't help but smile
As you walk down the aisle
Cause there's one thing I know, hey-hey
Every time you close your eyes at night
You know inside your heart
That something ain't right
And things are not the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me
I know you're thinking 'bout me, yeah" - brian mcknight, thinkin' bout me
i wanna laugh at this, i really do. i mean come on, this guy is telling a girl on her wedding day that she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life and that she's gonna end up thinking about brian's ass for the duration of her marriage to that other cat. the nerve of him even showing up on her day like that. he just put himself out there like an idiot!
hilarious, ain't it? downright egotistical to the nth degree. i should be laughing my ass off at this.
but when i look closer, these lyrics ain't all that funny. when i look closer, i see a sista who might decide to play the safe route cuz her love with brian was too violatile. after all, the worst thing in a sista's life is instability.
this song is representing what might happen when folk choose safe over the situation that could emotionally prove to be either the most rewarding or the most hurtful experience he or she ever has to live through.
now of course, this song could also represent a brotha who has no idea he was a really lousy boyfriend and is too immature to be in grown folk relationships. kinda like that scene from the five heartbeats when j.t. was telling duck's girl "baby, how you gonna marry him when you love me?"
...but it wasn't a sincere declaration of his love, it was more like him telling her his dick was such a fulfilling meal that anything afterwards would be merely an appetizer that she would quickly grow dissatisfied with. every time i watch that scene, i laugh when she basically tells him "baby, it was only ever about the dick with you. i can get dick and everything else with duck."
so the song can be seen two ways, but i'm gonna see it from the "come on girl, you know this is the real shit" perspective cuz it presents a dilemma that many sistas gotta face sometime in life...
do we follow our heart or our head?
i've already posted about my own struggle with this decision. on the one hand, isn't love about feeling safe and secure? so what if your spirit shrivels a little each day because your soul remains unstirred? so what if you feel a piece of you reaching for something seemingly unattainable from between the bars of the cage you've placed yourself in. so what if you feel a little restless because the relationship is so easy, you could do it in your sleep. isn't that what everybody wants? he's nice and caring and responsible and listens to you for the most part. in other words, he's that 'good brotha' everyone has told you you're supposed to appreciate and not leave for the 'heartbreaker'. you two don't argue, don't disrespect each other, and consider each other's feelings in all situations. that's love, right? it's so riskfree, you'd be a fool not to take the deal.
i mean, consider the alternative. you might end up with a guy who shakes you up so bad on the inside that you're not sure if you can control any of the emotions bubbling to the surface. you won't be able to stand next to him without your knees going weak or your heart palpitating, or your hands getting clammy because his heat is so incendiary you feel like theres lava boiling beneath the surface of your skin. you'll spend so much time staring at his lips and envisioning them over every part of your body that you'll look like a vacuous idiot as people try to talk to you and you reply to them with an absent-minded "wha...?"
who wants to be in constant lust for someone like that? next thing you know, you'll be fucking him in the movie theatre parking lot because you know if you don't, you'll be trying to sit on his lap during the movie.
not only that, but he'll probably be all passionate and heart-driven. do you know what that means??? it means you two are gonna be arguing at least once a week. so what if you end up fucking after each shouting session because the arguing made you so horny you start rubbing your clit through your pants and tweeking your nipples right there in front of him while he's yelling his explanation of why he thinks dungy should take the offense-calling duties away from peyton (and really, he's got to be an idiot to think there'd be ANY legitimacy to THAT argument). so what if he's got bite marks on his neck because the feelings were so overwhelming you felt the uncontrollable need to rip a piece from him to keep inside you.
his passion means he's gonna challenge you, probably when you don't want that shit to happen. you won't be able to get away with SHIT. anytime you come with an opinion that doesn't have a valid leg to stand on, he's gonna call you out on it. who wants THAT shit? who wants a guy who not only disagrees with you, but actually has the audacity to furnish a plausible argument as to why you're wrong and he's right! oh HELLZ nah. that shit sounds extremely unappealing.
safe is so much better. with safe, you don't have to worry about your heart stopping or your blood racing or your hands sweating or losing your voice because you kept trying to convince him it wasn't peyton's fault the colts lost (even though you know in your heart he made a valid argument, which makes you wanna fuck him even MORE). all that violatile shit can be cast aside when you're dealing with safe. *whew* you can lay back, kick up your heels, and take comfort in the fact that he doesn't care enough about what you care about to the point where he'll do more than nod when you voice your opinion.
no disagreement. no conflict. just a harmonous existence that people dream of having with their mate.
dealing with a guy who will force you to love hard means dealing with the possibility of getting hurt. hurt BAD. he can't possibly be trustworthy enough to take care of your whole heart. passion is synonymous with instability, isn't it? a guy who is always level-headed and never feels deeply enough about something to get heated...that's the guy you want. that's the guy you NEED.
safe is soooo much better.
"I know he thinks you're crying
Cause it's the happiest you've ever known
But girl you'd just be lying
Cause what he doesn't know
You're strong for me
You belong to me
And here's the one last chance for you to go
Cause every time you close your eyes at night
You know inside your heart
That something ain't right
And things are not the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me
It may not be tomorrow
But there will come a day
But when you realize I hope its not too late
Cause things won't be the way that you wish they could be
Even though you're with him
I know you're thinking 'bout me"
shut up, brian. even if there's something missing, at least he can't hurt me.
but YOU...YOU have the power to break my heart.
or build upon it.
i don't know, and not knowing is too much of a risk.
CD Mix Challenge Result (Updated 2.8.06)
it's obvious music plays a large part in most of our lives. this challenged garnered all kinds of responses!
first, let me acknowledge the originator, the one and only ddot the king, as he was the one who passed it on to me. damn, that sounds like he gave me an std. oh well...
some folk added some questions to their lists. why didn't i think of that???
a few observations:
- my petition by jill scott seems to be a popular political song chosen by folk. that pleases me.
- i hate you so much right now by kellis is the most popular song to tell someone you hate they ass.
- before i let go by frankie beverly & maze is popping up on lists as the song that most makes folk get up offa they asses and run to the dance floor. i forgot all about this song until i saw it on someone else's list. i'm gonna say right now that if i was dead in a coffin and that song was played at my funeral, my dead ass would be popping out of the coffin to boogie to that song.
- to be young gifted and black showed up...both the version by nina simone AND donny hathaway, as the song that should have been played when folk were born. i love both versions, although i have to say that donnie's version for some reason resonates more. probably cuz he was still young, gifted, and black when he quit the world. it just makes the song all the more heartbreakingly poignant.
- ebony & ivory pair rick james and teena marie popped up a couple of times as favorite duo, as did roberta flack and donny hathaway. is it just me, or is the fact that a brotha who's been dead almost thirty years (hathaway) and is still popping up on 'favorites' list, a testament to the fact that brotha was just fucking brilliant?
- another cat whose brilliance was cut way too short was otis redding, who showed up a couple of times with i've been loving you too long.
finally, it would appear that despite his predilection for all things pubescent and hairless, r. kelly still knows how to put out the songs that will get folk out on the dance floor. i am wracking my brain trying to figure out the connection between the two...a pact with the devil perhaps?
aiight, here are the lists folks came up with. i love putting in the links because it gives you a chance to head to their blogs and check out what's going down.
first one to respond to the challenge was west, which didn't surprise me because he's always the kid who raises his hand first cuz he's got the answers. i just can't believe brotha would choose whitney houston's version of i'm every woman over chaka khan's! *sigh*
kween analyzes gospel rap lyrics. gospel rap??? for real...there IS such a thing? now she gonna have me out there analyzing it too.
ttd took time out to do THREE lists. she agrees with others that the song hova by jay-z is a song to disagree with politically, morally,commonsenically, religiously etc, but she digs it anyway.
t. casanova not only analyzed the song the truth by india.arie, he analyzed sanctified lady by marvin gaye...both in the same day. so it's all about the straight up truth of love...and straight up fucking is the truth.
georgiapeach made sure the south in all its crunkness was represented to the fullest, right on down to a good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that she liked...crazy by patsy cline. she's right, cuz i neva would have guessed that one.
thoughtsofablacksoutherngirl loves the miseducation of lauryn hill cuz she's got a couple of songs from that one album on her list. damn if that wasn't one of the best albums of the 1990s. what the fuck happened to that sista, anyway? i cram to understand, lauryn...i really do.
chezniki represented my generation to the fullest, cuz she's got damn near every song i would have contemplated on her list.
bullfrog has a very r&b heavy rotation on his list. he's proof that skin color has no bearing on musical tastes. oh, and i remember playing da HELL outta fast lane by bilal. in fact, that whole cd is still tight.
insanelysane's list became platinum as soon as i saw shook ones by mobb deep. i STILL play that shit at least once a month.
when i checked verseone's list, i should have known i'd see many familiar and beloved cuts, but the one that stands out is definitely nothing even matters – lauryn hill ft. d’angelo. to be in love like that? SHHHIIIIT. but dude...peanut butter jelly time? i can't hate...i love the damn song, too.
honey libra brought back some good damn memories when i read her list. sittin' up in my room by brandy was my JOINT when it first hit. you KNOW that waiting to exhale cd was one of the tightest compilation cds ever. DON'T HATE.
aquababie represents the 'list nikki was most likely to have if she'd actually sat down and thought about her answers'. very diverse, and she got my boy FRANK on there.
organized noise brought to my attention another well-loved dance track...got to give it up by marvin gaye. if i'm at an old school party, this song is on the turntable, and i'm talking about the eleven minute version. how da hell the brotha stretched that song into eleven minutes i'll never know, but i thank the lord for it.
olawunmi has some cuts on his list representing africa, as he's from nigeria. i'll be downloading those cuts cuz i've never heard of them.
cool ac just dropped her list in my lap. what's going on by marvin gaye is yet another political song i'm seeing alot on these lists. oh, and her list gets platinum status with the addition of one mic by nas
teej got me looking up ras kass nature of a threat after reading some of the lyrics. it also reminded me of a friend who likes to use the term 'bitch ass niggaz'.
my girl shawn dropped her list finally (LOL), and i gotta admit to being blown away by her political song, deer dance by system of a down. in fact, your entire list is full of songs i've never heard before. i'll be downloading some of those today.
check out drew's list. he's got songs from marvin gaye, george strait, all the way to michael jackson! tell me this cat doesn't have diversifed taste in music...
scarlettrae's list is lyrics heavy, but that's to be expected because she's a writer, and a great one at that.
if i missed your list, let me know and i'll add your blog to the list of links.
first, let me acknowledge the originator, the one and only ddot the king, as he was the one who passed it on to me. damn, that sounds like he gave me an std. oh well...
some folk added some questions to their lists. why didn't i think of that???
a few observations:
- my petition by jill scott seems to be a popular political song chosen by folk. that pleases me.
- i hate you so much right now by kellis is the most popular song to tell someone you hate they ass.
- before i let go by frankie beverly & maze is popping up on lists as the song that most makes folk get up offa they asses and run to the dance floor. i forgot all about this song until i saw it on someone else's list. i'm gonna say right now that if i was dead in a coffin and that song was played at my funeral, my dead ass would be popping out of the coffin to boogie to that song.
- to be young gifted and black showed up...both the version by nina simone AND donny hathaway, as the song that should have been played when folk were born. i love both versions, although i have to say that donnie's version for some reason resonates more. probably cuz he was still young, gifted, and black when he quit the world. it just makes the song all the more heartbreakingly poignant.
- ebony & ivory pair rick james and teena marie popped up a couple of times as favorite duo, as did roberta flack and donny hathaway. is it just me, or is the fact that a brotha who's been dead almost thirty years (hathaway) and is still popping up on 'favorites' list, a testament to the fact that brotha was just fucking brilliant?
- another cat whose brilliance was cut way too short was otis redding, who showed up a couple of times with i've been loving you too long.
finally, it would appear that despite his predilection for all things pubescent and hairless, r. kelly still knows how to put out the songs that will get folk out on the dance floor. i am wracking my brain trying to figure out the connection between the two...a pact with the devil perhaps?
aiight, here are the lists folks came up with. i love putting in the links because it gives you a chance to head to their blogs and check out what's going down.
first one to respond to the challenge was west, which didn't surprise me because he's always the kid who raises his hand first cuz he's got the answers. i just can't believe brotha would choose whitney houston's version of i'm every woman over chaka khan's! *sigh*
kween analyzes gospel rap lyrics. gospel rap??? for real...there IS such a thing? now she gonna have me out there analyzing it too.
ttd took time out to do THREE lists. she agrees with others that the song hova by jay-z is a song to disagree with politically, morally,commonsenically, religiously etc, but she digs it anyway.
t. casanova not only analyzed the song the truth by india.arie, he analyzed sanctified lady by marvin gaye...both in the same day. so it's all about the straight up truth of love...and straight up fucking is the truth.
georgiapeach made sure the south in all its crunkness was represented to the fullest, right on down to a good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that she liked...crazy by patsy cline. she's right, cuz i neva would have guessed that one.
thoughtsofablacksoutherngirl loves the miseducation of lauryn hill cuz she's got a couple of songs from that one album on her list. damn if that wasn't one of the best albums of the 1990s. what the fuck happened to that sista, anyway? i cram to understand, lauryn...i really do.
chezniki represented my generation to the fullest, cuz she's got damn near every song i would have contemplated on her list.
bullfrog has a very r&b heavy rotation on his list. he's proof that skin color has no bearing on musical tastes. oh, and i remember playing da HELL outta fast lane by bilal. in fact, that whole cd is still tight.
insanelysane's list became platinum as soon as i saw shook ones by mobb deep. i STILL play that shit at least once a month.
when i checked verseone's list, i should have known i'd see many familiar and beloved cuts, but the one that stands out is definitely nothing even matters – lauryn hill ft. d’angelo. to be in love like that? SHHHIIIIT. but dude...peanut butter jelly time? i can't hate...i love the damn song, too.
honey libra brought back some good damn memories when i read her list. sittin' up in my room by brandy was my JOINT when it first hit. you KNOW that waiting to exhale cd was one of the tightest compilation cds ever. DON'T HATE.
aquababie represents the 'list nikki was most likely to have if she'd actually sat down and thought about her answers'. very diverse, and she got my boy FRANK on there.
organized noise brought to my attention another well-loved dance track...got to give it up by marvin gaye. if i'm at an old school party, this song is on the turntable, and i'm talking about the eleven minute version. how da hell the brotha stretched that song into eleven minutes i'll never know, but i thank the lord for it.
olawunmi has some cuts on his list representing africa, as he's from nigeria. i'll be downloading those cuts cuz i've never heard of them.
cool ac just dropped her list in my lap. what's going on by marvin gaye is yet another political song i'm seeing alot on these lists. oh, and her list gets platinum status with the addition of one mic by nas
teej got me looking up ras kass nature of a threat after reading some of the lyrics. it also reminded me of a friend who likes to use the term 'bitch ass niggaz'.
my girl shawn dropped her list finally (LOL), and i gotta admit to being blown away by her political song, deer dance by system of a down. in fact, your entire list is full of songs i've never heard before. i'll be downloading some of those today.
check out drew's list. he's got songs from marvin gaye, george strait, all the way to michael jackson! tell me this cat doesn't have diversifed taste in music...
scarlettrae's list is lyrics heavy, but that's to be expected because she's a writer, and a great one at that.
if i missed your list, let me know and i'll add your blog to the list of links.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
what a craptacular day
i couldn't write SHIT today. wait...i just wrote shit...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
this was just one of those days where i was simply overwhelmed with emotions to the point where they were all squeezed into the cramped space within my fingertips, fighting for the right to exit and bleed freely upon the monitor. needless to say, only these paltry few words made it out.
hopefully i'll work through this soon, because right now i feel like i'm about to detonate. in the meanwhile, i'll be checking your blogs today (if i haven't already).
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
this was just one of those days where i was simply overwhelmed with emotions to the point where they were all squeezed into the cramped space within my fingertips, fighting for the right to exit and bleed freely upon the monitor. needless to say, only these paltry few words made it out.
hopefully i'll work through this soon, because right now i feel like i'm about to detonate. in the meanwhile, i'll be checking your blogs today (if i haven't already).
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
CD Mix Challenge
aiight, so my boy king came with a list i can get with. as much as i love music, this was one i was looking forward to completing. then i realized the bad thing about loving all genres of music is the fact that i have way too many songs that could qualify for each of these questions and i hate to choose just one. oh well...i tried.
1) A favorite political track.
my petition - jill scott
sista had me thinking she was talking about her man letting her down. turns out she was talking about the american government letting her down. check out the lyrics here.
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
happy people - r.kelly
yeah, so the brotha got a thing for pubescent cooch. he still knows how to turn out a dance song that'll have you on the floor every time it's on the turntable.
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
can't hide love - earth, wind, & fire
this ain't just a declaration of love. it's a carefully worded persuasive demand for the fool to admit he loves me too. the lyrics might as well have been pulled from my mouth, cuz i would have said it the exact same way . not to mention the fact that the song is a damn all-time classic. check out the lyrics here.
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
i analyze all lyrics. that's the writer in me.
5) A song that you like, that a two year old would like as well.
i can - nas
it's repetitive, so they'll remember, the words are simple and easy to understand, and best of all, it's positive!
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
fuel - metallica
"GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!" is the screamed declaration that slides into a beginning guitar riff that is basically telling eardrums everywhere that an invasion is about to occur, so they'd best get ready...
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
summertime - ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong.
i have a large collection of music from that period, so my grandparents would have a lot to choose from. i LOVE music from the big band era.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
tender love - force mds
i had a crush on this guy right around then and that song played in my mind over and over again as i would envision him kissing me. meanwhile, he treated me like i was his pet sister. *sigh*
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
a change gon' come - sam cooke
cuz no matter how bad things get, i gotta hang in there cuz a change gonna come.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
just to get by - talib kweli
cuz it's everyday and it's real and each day is a blessing.
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
i am a man of constant sorrow - soggy bottom boys
actually, if you've checked my profile, you already know i love it all.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
ladies first - queen latifah
we hold these truths to be self-evident...
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
donny hathaway & roberta flack
where is the love indeed...
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally,
commonsenically, religiously etc.)
bitch betta have my money - amg
and yet everytime i heard that damn song, i'd be screaming out the lyrics right along with everybody else.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points
every time you listen to it.
if it's too stupid, i ain't listening to it.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing.
what you won't do for love - bobby caldwell
i don't care how stressed i am, that song always gets me smooth.
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
shit, damn, mothafucka - d'angelo
cuz it uses two of my very favorite cuss words...and one of them ain't 'damn'.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
the entire 'back on the block' cd by quincy jones
that cd brought three generations together at my house. we had ella fitzgerald for my granny, barry white for my moms, and al b. sure for me. i'm gonna write about that experience one day. it was really amazing.
19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.
i love every little thing about you baby - stevie wonder
my pops played this song alot for my moms. my mom always gets teary-eyed when she hears it now. so do i.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
do what i do - jamie foxx
DAMN RIGHT i wanna put my thighs up damnit...
_________________________________________
aiight. i challenge you to come up with a list. drop it in your blog so i can link it up at the end of the week.
1) A favorite political track.
my petition - jill scott
sista had me thinking she was talking about her man letting her down. turns out she was talking about the american government letting her down. check out the lyrics here.
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
happy people - r.kelly
yeah, so the brotha got a thing for pubescent cooch. he still knows how to turn out a dance song that'll have you on the floor every time it's on the turntable.
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
can't hide love - earth, wind, & fire
this ain't just a declaration of love. it's a carefully worded persuasive demand for the fool to admit he loves me too. the lyrics might as well have been pulled from my mouth, cuz i would have said it the exact same way . not to mention the fact that the song is a damn all-time classic. check out the lyrics here.
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
i analyze all lyrics. that's the writer in me.
5) A song that you like, that a two year old would like as well.
i can - nas
it's repetitive, so they'll remember, the words are simple and easy to understand, and best of all, it's positive!
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
fuel - metallica
"GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!" is the screamed declaration that slides into a beginning guitar riff that is basically telling eardrums everywhere that an invasion is about to occur, so they'd best get ready...
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
summertime - ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong.
i have a large collection of music from that period, so my grandparents would have a lot to choose from. i LOVE music from the big band era.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
tender love - force mds
i had a crush on this guy right around then and that song played in my mind over and over again as i would envision him kissing me. meanwhile, he treated me like i was his pet sister. *sigh*
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
a change gon' come - sam cooke
cuz no matter how bad things get, i gotta hang in there cuz a change gonna come.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
just to get by - talib kweli
cuz it's everyday and it's real and each day is a blessing.
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
i am a man of constant sorrow - soggy bottom boys
actually, if you've checked my profile, you already know i love it all.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
ladies first - queen latifah
we hold these truths to be self-evident...
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
donny hathaway & roberta flack
where is the love indeed...
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally,
commonsenically, religiously etc.)
bitch betta have my money - amg
and yet everytime i heard that damn song, i'd be screaming out the lyrics right along with everybody else.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points
every time you listen to it.
if it's too stupid, i ain't listening to it.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing.
what you won't do for love - bobby caldwell
i don't care how stressed i am, that song always gets me smooth.
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
shit, damn, mothafucka - d'angelo
cuz it uses two of my very favorite cuss words...and one of them ain't 'damn'.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
the entire 'back on the block' cd by quincy jones
that cd brought three generations together at my house. we had ella fitzgerald for my granny, barry white for my moms, and al b. sure for me. i'm gonna write about that experience one day. it was really amazing.
19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.
i love every little thing about you baby - stevie wonder
my pops played this song alot for my moms. my mom always gets teary-eyed when she hears it now. so do i.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
do what i do - jamie foxx
DAMN RIGHT i wanna put my thighs up damnit...
_________________________________________
aiight. i challenge you to come up with a list. drop it in your blog so i can link it up at the end of the week.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
if you're interested in hearing what i sound like
i just posted an audio file of me reading one of my poems. it's over on the dark side.
if you clown on my voice, just remember that payback is a bitch and her name is nikki. LOL
if you clown on my voice, just remember that payback is a bitch and her name is nikki. LOL
thanks, coretta
i walk behind my man
not because i can’t stand tall
but to ensure he is uplifted
if he falls
i walk in front of my man
not because I’m on display
but to protect him as the
weapons come his way
i walk beside my man
not because I will not lead
but because next to his side
is where I’m needed
______________________________________
i hope coretta knew her role in the civil rights movement was one of the most important of them all.
not because i can’t stand tall
but to ensure he is uplifted
if he falls
i walk in front of my man
not because I’m on display
but to protect him as the
weapons come his way
i walk beside my man
not because I will not lead
but because next to his side
is where I’m needed
______________________________________
i hope coretta knew her role in the civil rights movement was one of the most important of them all.
Monday, January 30, 2006
i'm ready to love me.
i was inspired to post this after reading will's post today concerning his trepidations about falling in love. i posted something similar a while back, but find myself revisiting the subject because 2006 has already proven to be a year clustered with epiphanic moments assaulting my mind with monumental decisions i'm too afraid to make.
i have also suffered from the malady of 'holding back for the sake of preserving myself'. i'm the sista who will want love but not all the hurt that goes with leaving myself bare and exposed, totally willing to trust a brotha with my heart. i've tried. i really have. i thought i had gotten it right this last time, but i realize now i was motivated by a combination of guilt, the vision of the dwindling years before me and the pressures put on me by family to settle down and get with child. in other words, i got caught up in everything outside of myself. i thought at my age, settling down was just the natural progression, cuz society says that a woman who isn't settled by the age of 32 is setting herself up to be that sista who goes to visit other folk with their families before she heads back home to her home to cuddle her pet whatever and lament about what she's too old to have cuz her window of opportunity closed. i got tired of hearing my mom telling me "you're not getting any younger, you know!" i got tired of listening to my female relatives speculate about whether or not nikki would ever settle down because she's "just too set in her ways and independent for her own good."
watching television, a sista can't help but notice how shows depict single females as being little more than desperate retrievers searching for a happiness in life that can only be found in the arms of a man. if she's not looking for a man, it's only cuz she just broke up with someone who broke her heart and she's too embittered to make moves. i don't see women on television who are happy with being single. women who love their lives and are confident of their accomplishments and are content with simply doing their thing.
every series-ending episode that has a female lead usually ends with her marrying the love of her life after spending the previous five or six years of the series going through the pitfalls of dating. it's that happily ever after ending that signifies the epitome of contentment, of everything being 'just right', of her no longer having to deal with all the cheap dates, over-sexed dates, under-performing dates, self-absorbed dates, etc., that she had to go through before she finally found 'the one'.
now i know that kind of shit makes for funny television, but i gotta wonder what message that sends to the females out there, single or not. it's telling me that single life, while funny, is but one phase of life and that the next phase, the really happy phase, begins when a sista gets married. the really fulfilling part, the part that you'll think back on fondly when you're sitting in your rocking chair knitting an afgan for your second grandchild's first son, is the time that occurred after you got married. all the accomplishments, the college degree, the first apartment you got after you moved out of your parent's house, the first car you purchased after saving for months for a downpayment, the first promotion, the trips you might have taken to exotic locations on your own, all that shit is but a diaphanous memory dulled against the light of the bright, techni-colored photographs of the moments you experienced after you 'settled down' to the business of living life, i.e. fall in love, get married and get the kids.
i've got a friend who's mom is more concerned with her getting married than she is with her daughter being happy with herself. and her mom's not the only one out there thinking like that. any single sista who checked out the movie 'waiting to exhale' remembers the scene when savannah had to basically cuss out her moms cuz moms was actually suggesting savannah get with a married man, just because he was showing savannah a little attention. her mom had tied savannah's happiness to the retrieval of a man, even if he happened to have someone else's name and address engraved into his doggie collar. i remember checking that scene and nodding my head fiercely, feeling that moment as if it had been my own. shit, it HAD been my own, only my mom spent her time trying to convince me that i would be an idiot to let go of a 'good man' because they're so fucking hard to find.
so i say all this because it's not just about me finding the kind of love that will make me willing to give all of myself. it's also about me finding contentment with just doing me, finding completion within myself, so that any brotha who steps inside my space is an addendum, meant to compliment what i already got, not a necessity i must have in order for my life to be worthy of living. there are plenty of good brothas out there. we sistas gotta stop buying into the hype that we gotta settle just cuz the brotha ain't dogging us out. just because he's everything everyone else says we should want in a mate doesn't mean we have to be with him.
but even before all that, we gotta find happiness with ourselves and our lives. find fulfillment in the things we do as individuals, hang out with ourselves and enjoy our own fucking company. only then will we really be ready to give it all when the right brotha steps up.
so that's where i am right now. i gotta get me straight right now. i'm gonna fall in love with myself again and take photos of the courtship so that the next time i find myself in this phase, i don't forget the perfect lover i had before he came into my life. then i won't be afraid to give him all of me because if he bounces, i've still got my perfect lover right there to help me pick up and move on.
i gotta experience life by myself for a while, and i gotta convince myself that even if i never meet 'the one', i still found happiness and purpose with my life.
cuz that's the life that many sistas are living right now and it shouldn't be seen as a consolation prize.
i have also suffered from the malady of 'holding back for the sake of preserving myself'. i'm the sista who will want love but not all the hurt that goes with leaving myself bare and exposed, totally willing to trust a brotha with my heart. i've tried. i really have. i thought i had gotten it right this last time, but i realize now i was motivated by a combination of guilt, the vision of the dwindling years before me and the pressures put on me by family to settle down and get with child. in other words, i got caught up in everything outside of myself. i thought at my age, settling down was just the natural progression, cuz society says that a woman who isn't settled by the age of 32 is setting herself up to be that sista who goes to visit other folk with their families before she heads back home to her home to cuddle her pet whatever and lament about what she's too old to have cuz her window of opportunity closed. i got tired of hearing my mom telling me "you're not getting any younger, you know!" i got tired of listening to my female relatives speculate about whether or not nikki would ever settle down because she's "just too set in her ways and independent for her own good."
watching television, a sista can't help but notice how shows depict single females as being little more than desperate retrievers searching for a happiness in life that can only be found in the arms of a man. if she's not looking for a man, it's only cuz she just broke up with someone who broke her heart and she's too embittered to make moves. i don't see women on television who are happy with being single. women who love their lives and are confident of their accomplishments and are content with simply doing their thing.
every series-ending episode that has a female lead usually ends with her marrying the love of her life after spending the previous five or six years of the series going through the pitfalls of dating. it's that happily ever after ending that signifies the epitome of contentment, of everything being 'just right', of her no longer having to deal with all the cheap dates, over-sexed dates, under-performing dates, self-absorbed dates, etc., that she had to go through before she finally found 'the one'.
now i know that kind of shit makes for funny television, but i gotta wonder what message that sends to the females out there, single or not. it's telling me that single life, while funny, is but one phase of life and that the next phase, the really happy phase, begins when a sista gets married. the really fulfilling part, the part that you'll think back on fondly when you're sitting in your rocking chair knitting an afgan for your second grandchild's first son, is the time that occurred after you got married. all the accomplishments, the college degree, the first apartment you got after you moved out of your parent's house, the first car you purchased after saving for months for a downpayment, the first promotion, the trips you might have taken to exotic locations on your own, all that shit is but a diaphanous memory dulled against the light of the bright, techni-colored photographs of the moments you experienced after you 'settled down' to the business of living life, i.e. fall in love, get married and get the kids.
i've got a friend who's mom is more concerned with her getting married than she is with her daughter being happy with herself. and her mom's not the only one out there thinking like that. any single sista who checked out the movie 'waiting to exhale' remembers the scene when savannah had to basically cuss out her moms cuz moms was actually suggesting savannah get with a married man, just because he was showing savannah a little attention. her mom had tied savannah's happiness to the retrieval of a man, even if he happened to have someone else's name and address engraved into his doggie collar. i remember checking that scene and nodding my head fiercely, feeling that moment as if it had been my own. shit, it HAD been my own, only my mom spent her time trying to convince me that i would be an idiot to let go of a 'good man' because they're so fucking hard to find.
so i say all this because it's not just about me finding the kind of love that will make me willing to give all of myself. it's also about me finding contentment with just doing me, finding completion within myself, so that any brotha who steps inside my space is an addendum, meant to compliment what i already got, not a necessity i must have in order for my life to be worthy of living. there are plenty of good brothas out there. we sistas gotta stop buying into the hype that we gotta settle just cuz the brotha ain't dogging us out. just because he's everything everyone else says we should want in a mate doesn't mean we have to be with him.
but even before all that, we gotta find happiness with ourselves and our lives. find fulfillment in the things we do as individuals, hang out with ourselves and enjoy our own fucking company. only then will we really be ready to give it all when the right brotha steps up.
so that's where i am right now. i gotta get me straight right now. i'm gonna fall in love with myself again and take photos of the courtship so that the next time i find myself in this phase, i don't forget the perfect lover i had before he came into my life. then i won't be afraid to give him all of me because if he bounces, i've still got my perfect lover right there to help me pick up and move on.
i gotta experience life by myself for a while, and i gotta convince myself that even if i never meet 'the one', i still found happiness and purpose with my life.
cuz that's the life that many sistas are living right now and it shouldn't be seen as a consolation prize.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
my answers to 25
i'll be getting back to the phil story on monday. in the meanwhile, here are my answers to the 25 questions:
1. are you content with your life?
hell no. i'll never be content with it as a whole.
2. if not, what would make you content?
i'll be content with certain aspects when i finally get the gig that will best give me the opportunity to empower folk, i.e. starting a charter school or non-profit focused on eliminating the negative effects of socioeconomic inequality.
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
i'm in a place where i'm more content with being in my skin. the more i learn about myself the more i realize i'm not half bad.
4. what do you like most about yourself?
my passionate nature. it makes me sensitive and vulnerable but it also guarantees i won't ever be satisfied with the easy answer, even if it means painful self-introspection.
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
i wish my insecurity would just go away already.
6. what irritates you most about other people?
self-hatred, because it's the root of so many other things. it's why many folk leave the ghetto instead of sticking around to build from within, it's why many folk still living there are so quick to make decisions that are self-destructive, it's why alot of folk abandon their own principles so easily and adopt others, even if those other principles are ultimately harmful to them, it's why i always here "black folks are always (insert negative thing)! that's why we can't never have anything!", it's why many of us treat ourselves so poorly and don't believe in our own abilities.
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
gawga
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
someone who is proactive, insightful, inquisitive, affectionate, intelligent, humble, adventerous, confident, comfortable with self-introspection, finds volunteering and empowering others an important endeavor, loves sex with me and ain't afraid to show it. oh, and enjoys talking about and watching sports.
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
i'm addicted. no, really i am.
10. if so, why?
it's the reaction, but it's also because it's sexy as hell watching a brotha lose control. knowing i orchestrated that appeals to my vanity. LOL
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
19
13. was it a good experience for you?
i was raped, so that would be a definitive "no".
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
knowing i'm facing a day with no mistakes in it and i can make my dreams come true if i put forth the effort.
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
either running a non-profit agency or a charter school. personally, i would like to have a child by then either naturally and/or adoption.
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
finally find personal and professional happiness by doing whatever it takes to ensure those things come to pass.
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
i like having someone to rub my ear at night. it puts me to sleep. shit...i sound like a dog...
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
not nearly often enough, believe me.
19. do you masturbate?
you damn skippy
20. what are your favorite television shows?
harvey birdman, family guy, drawn together, aqua teen hunger force, kids next door, law and order (all of 'em), all the nfl telecasts, sportscenter, outside the lines, everybody hates chris.
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
jeffrey wright, morgan freeman, joe morton, don cheadle, denzel washington, angela bassett, sanaa lathan, geena davis, susan sarandon (i just remembered yet again that there are simply not enough roles out there for black women. i had to dig deep to remember performances that blew me away.)
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
brand nubian, salsa music, jamie foxx, jean grae (thanks verseone!)
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
passionate, industrious, creative
24. what is your zodiac sign?
leo, baby! it's the only sign that really matters!
25. what do you love most about blogging?
i get to write. it's a healing thing for me. i also love reading about the thoughts and lives of others. i've learned so much about myself and other folk since i've started this.
1. are you content with your life?
hell no. i'll never be content with it as a whole.
2. if not, what would make you content?
i'll be content with certain aspects when i finally get the gig that will best give me the opportunity to empower folk, i.e. starting a charter school or non-profit focused on eliminating the negative effects of socioeconomic inequality.
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
i'm in a place where i'm more content with being in my skin. the more i learn about myself the more i realize i'm not half bad.
4. what do you like most about yourself?
my passionate nature. it makes me sensitive and vulnerable but it also guarantees i won't ever be satisfied with the easy answer, even if it means painful self-introspection.
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
i wish my insecurity would just go away already.
6. what irritates you most about other people?
self-hatred, because it's the root of so many other things. it's why many folk leave the ghetto instead of sticking around to build from within, it's why many folk still living there are so quick to make decisions that are self-destructive, it's why alot of folk abandon their own principles so easily and adopt others, even if those other principles are ultimately harmful to them, it's why i always here "black folks are always (insert negative thing)! that's why we can't never have anything!", it's why many of us treat ourselves so poorly and don't believe in our own abilities.
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
gawga
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
someone who is proactive, insightful, inquisitive, affectionate, intelligent, humble, adventerous, confident, comfortable with self-introspection, finds volunteering and empowering others an important endeavor, loves sex with me and ain't afraid to show it. oh, and enjoys talking about and watching sports.
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
i'm addicted. no, really i am.
10. if so, why?
it's the reaction, but it's also because it's sexy as hell watching a brotha lose control. knowing i orchestrated that appeals to my vanity. LOL
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
19
13. was it a good experience for you?
i was raped, so that would be a definitive "no".
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
knowing i'm facing a day with no mistakes in it and i can make my dreams come true if i put forth the effort.
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
either running a non-profit agency or a charter school. personally, i would like to have a child by then either naturally and/or adoption.
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
finally find personal and professional happiness by doing whatever it takes to ensure those things come to pass.
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
i like having someone to rub my ear at night. it puts me to sleep. shit...i sound like a dog...
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
not nearly often enough, believe me.
19. do you masturbate?
you damn skippy
20. what are your favorite television shows?
harvey birdman, family guy, drawn together, aqua teen hunger force, kids next door, law and order (all of 'em), all the nfl telecasts, sportscenter, outside the lines, everybody hates chris.
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
jeffrey wright, morgan freeman, joe morton, don cheadle, denzel washington, angela bassett, sanaa lathan, geena davis, susan sarandon (i just remembered yet again that there are simply not enough roles out there for black women. i had to dig deep to remember performances that blew me away.)
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
brand nubian, salsa music, jamie foxx, jean grae (thanks verseone!)
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
passionate, industrious, creative
24. what is your zodiac sign?
leo, baby! it's the only sign that really matters!
25. what do you love most about blogging?
i get to write. it's a healing thing for me. i also love reading about the thoughts and lives of others. i've learned so much about myself and other folk since i've started this.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
6b
he started cussing in russian and i was baffled.
"what's wrong?" i asked as i hurriedly made my way around to his side of the car. he was looking at the tire. there was an orange boot on it. SHIT!
"i thought this was free parking!" he was getting more upset at the minute, his voice raising with each syllable.
"evidently not," i replied as i looked around for the parking attendant. we found the cat putting on the boots across the lot, so we started walking towards him. i could tell mikhail was feeling even more embarrassment than anger, his face splotched with crimson as he continued mumbling in russian. when we reached the guy, he was bent down putting the boot on a car. mikhail walked up to him and started talking, little control for his temper in place.
"why was my car booted," he asked exasperately, huffing behind each word, "the sign said it was free parking!"
the guy stood up to his full height and i almost laughed out loud. he was at least 6'4, brownskinned with a muscular build. i winced, cuz he was gawgeous and i was on a lunch date with a cute russian guy but i still got mad love for the brothas, especially brothas looking like THIS brotha looked. the brotha looked from mikhail to me, understanding dawning in his eyes like "oh, so you two are together...hmmmm"
and i grew uncomfortable. i wondered if i was gonna get the evil eye from him like interracial couples usually get from black folk. he just stood there and listened patiently to mikhail vent his frustration and state his case about the boot. after mikhail was finished the brotha replied calmly.
"sir, there's nothing i can do about what happened. the sign clearly states that the free parking is on this side of the lot and not that side. i apologize for whatever inconvenience you've been caused. now will that be credit card or cash?"
okay, so i smirked at that. dude was both respectful and firm. i couldn't be mad at it. i walked up to mikhail and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"hey, if you want, i'll split the cost with you. it's all good."
he looked at me and shook his head furiously as he pulled out his wallet and handed the brotha his credit card. while the transaction was taking place, i tried to calm mikhail down, but my efforts weren't needed. it was obvious he was just embarrassed. we'd both seen the sign that pointed to this side of the lot for the free parking, so we really didn't have a leg to stand on. the brotha handed mikhail his receipt and stood up, glancing at me with a friendly look. if i had been the kind of sista who didn't give a fuck about folks feelings, i would have given that cat my number right there. meanwhile, that's just stank, so i just looked at him as he told us to go back to the car and wait for him to come take off the boot.
on the way back to the car, mikhail was silent. when we got in the car to wait on the guy, mikhail became angry again.
"this was the perfect lunch date and then BAM! THIS!" he gripped the steering wheel tightly as he said it.
"come on," i said trying to make little of the situation, "if the lunch date was perfect, why let something like this ruin it?"
he smiled reluctantly then
a. moved his right hand from the steering wheel and placed it on my thigh, squeezing it lightly.
b. said "i just wanted this date to be perfect."
c. jumped out of the car as the guy arrived to take the boot out of the car.
"what's wrong?" i asked as i hurriedly made my way around to his side of the car. he was looking at the tire. there was an orange boot on it. SHIT!
"i thought this was free parking!" he was getting more upset at the minute, his voice raising with each syllable.
"evidently not," i replied as i looked around for the parking attendant. we found the cat putting on the boots across the lot, so we started walking towards him. i could tell mikhail was feeling even more embarrassment than anger, his face splotched with crimson as he continued mumbling in russian. when we reached the guy, he was bent down putting the boot on a car. mikhail walked up to him and started talking, little control for his temper in place.
"why was my car booted," he asked exasperately, huffing behind each word, "the sign said it was free parking!"
the guy stood up to his full height and i almost laughed out loud. he was at least 6'4, brownskinned with a muscular build. i winced, cuz he was gawgeous and i was on a lunch date with a cute russian guy but i still got mad love for the brothas, especially brothas looking like THIS brotha looked. the brotha looked from mikhail to me, understanding dawning in his eyes like "oh, so you two are together...hmmmm"
and i grew uncomfortable. i wondered if i was gonna get the evil eye from him like interracial couples usually get from black folk. he just stood there and listened patiently to mikhail vent his frustration and state his case about the boot. after mikhail was finished the brotha replied calmly.
"sir, there's nothing i can do about what happened. the sign clearly states that the free parking is on this side of the lot and not that side. i apologize for whatever inconvenience you've been caused. now will that be credit card or cash?"
okay, so i smirked at that. dude was both respectful and firm. i couldn't be mad at it. i walked up to mikhail and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"hey, if you want, i'll split the cost with you. it's all good."
he looked at me and shook his head furiously as he pulled out his wallet and handed the brotha his credit card. while the transaction was taking place, i tried to calm mikhail down, but my efforts weren't needed. it was obvious he was just embarrassed. we'd both seen the sign that pointed to this side of the lot for the free parking, so we really didn't have a leg to stand on. the brotha handed mikhail his receipt and stood up, glancing at me with a friendly look. if i had been the kind of sista who didn't give a fuck about folks feelings, i would have given that cat my number right there. meanwhile, that's just stank, so i just looked at him as he told us to go back to the car and wait for him to come take off the boot.
on the way back to the car, mikhail was silent. when we got in the car to wait on the guy, mikhail became angry again.
"this was the perfect lunch date and then BAM! THIS!" he gripped the steering wheel tightly as he said it.
"come on," i said trying to make little of the situation, "if the lunch date was perfect, why let something like this ruin it?"
he smiled reluctantly then
a. moved his right hand from the steering wheel and placed it on my thigh, squeezing it lightly.
b. said "i just wanted this date to be perfect."
c. jumped out of the car as the guy arrived to take the boot out of the car.
4a
he looks even better with eyeglasses on. i frowned inwardly, unaware that i'd evidently found white guys with salt and pepper hair and glasses attractive until now. or maybe it was just the fact that he was so attentive.
"do any of these dishes look familiar to you?" he asked as he continued to peruse the menu. i picked mine up and started looking as well, finding only one dish on the entire menu i knew i'd had before.
"i've had the basil beef at another restaurant and it was pretty decent," i answered matter-of-factly, "but that doesn't guarantee it'll taste all that great here."
mikhail began naming the dishes aloud, his accent basically butchering each word. he knew it too as a chuckle dangled on the end of each name, a half-smile on his lips at his self-mockery. i laughed aloud. his smile grew to full-tilt grin and i wondered if the guy ever stopped smiling. he seemed so happy. i wasn't sure if it was because he was just a happy dude or if he was happy we were at lunch together. my ego told me to go with the latter option, as it made the ego feel better. we ultimately decided to go with a spinich soup and the beef basil. after the waitress came and took our orders he took off his glasses, placing them on the table as he sat back and watched me. his gaze was intense and i was beginning to feel a bit unnerved. it was weaving itself around our table, blocking out all other conversation like a sound-proof wall.
"so," he said softly after a minute, "tell me about you."
"i make a point of not falling into that hole," i answered, "so you're gonna have to be more specific. what do you want to know?"
"everything," he said, a serious expression now on his face. i arched a brow at him (that's my favorite "what the fuck" look) and gave a small laugh.
"we only have an hour mikhail," the tone of my voice lightly sprinkled with slivers of sarcasm, "so unless you want me to tell you about my toe jamb or butt boils, you might as well get specific." i smiled to take the sting out of it. a loud bark of laughter excaped his lips and he shook his head with wonder.
"that is what i like about you," he said, "you have no pretense about you."
"what's the point of pretense," i responded with an air of whatever, "when the truth is so much more efficient?"
"you are right," he replied, laughter lining his voice, "where are you from?"
"i'm originally from new york but i was raised here in atlanta," i responded.
"do you still have family there?"
"yes. only my mom and dad and a few cousins are here in georgia. everybody else for the most part are in new york."
he continued to ask me questions about myself, listening intently to the answers and following them with more probing questions. by the time our lunch arrived, i felt as though he'd peeled my memories away from my mind, exposing the vulnerable flesh of my innermost thoughts. i was ready to eat just to shut him up so i could keep part of my mind protected. the basil beef was in a bowl, swimming in red sauce, peppers, and basil. i added the white rice to the bowl and began eating. there was little talking at this point, as the dish proved to be messier than i had anticipated and i had to concentrate on keeping the sauce off of me. when i was almost done eating i glanced down at my t-shirt and groaned. my pristine white t-shirt had red spots covering it like bullet wounds. SHIT. he heard me groan and looked up, noting where i was focusing my attention. he said...
a. "would you like for me to wipe those off for you?" with a devilish grin on his face.
b. "a few spots cannot mar your beauty." and smiled with a light of something wicked in his eyes.
c. "sometimes the greatest blessing can also be a curse, hmm?" and winked at me with a knowing grin.
"do any of these dishes look familiar to you?" he asked as he continued to peruse the menu. i picked mine up and started looking as well, finding only one dish on the entire menu i knew i'd had before.
"i've had the basil beef at another restaurant and it was pretty decent," i answered matter-of-factly, "but that doesn't guarantee it'll taste all that great here."
mikhail began naming the dishes aloud, his accent basically butchering each word. he knew it too as a chuckle dangled on the end of each name, a half-smile on his lips at his self-mockery. i laughed aloud. his smile grew to full-tilt grin and i wondered if the guy ever stopped smiling. he seemed so happy. i wasn't sure if it was because he was just a happy dude or if he was happy we were at lunch together. my ego told me to go with the latter option, as it made the ego feel better. we ultimately decided to go with a spinich soup and the beef basil. after the waitress came and took our orders he took off his glasses, placing them on the table as he sat back and watched me. his gaze was intense and i was beginning to feel a bit unnerved. it was weaving itself around our table, blocking out all other conversation like a sound-proof wall.
"so," he said softly after a minute, "tell me about you."
"i make a point of not falling into that hole," i answered, "so you're gonna have to be more specific. what do you want to know?"
"everything," he said, a serious expression now on his face. i arched a brow at him (that's my favorite "what the fuck" look) and gave a small laugh.
"we only have an hour mikhail," the tone of my voice lightly sprinkled with slivers of sarcasm, "so unless you want me to tell you about my toe jamb or butt boils, you might as well get specific." i smiled to take the sting out of it. a loud bark of laughter excaped his lips and he shook his head with wonder.
"that is what i like about you," he said, "you have no pretense about you."
"what's the point of pretense," i responded with an air of whatever, "when the truth is so much more efficient?"
"you are right," he replied, laughter lining his voice, "where are you from?"
"i'm originally from new york but i was raised here in atlanta," i responded.
"do you still have family there?"
"yes. only my mom and dad and a few cousins are here in georgia. everybody else for the most part are in new york."
he continued to ask me questions about myself, listening intently to the answers and following them with more probing questions. by the time our lunch arrived, i felt as though he'd peeled my memories away from my mind, exposing the vulnerable flesh of my innermost thoughts. i was ready to eat just to shut him up so i could keep part of my mind protected. the basil beef was in a bowl, swimming in red sauce, peppers, and basil. i added the white rice to the bowl and began eating. there was little talking at this point, as the dish proved to be messier than i had anticipated and i had to concentrate on keeping the sauce off of me. when i was almost done eating i glanced down at my t-shirt and groaned. my pristine white t-shirt had red spots covering it like bullet wounds. SHIT. he heard me groan and looked up, noting where i was focusing my attention. he said...
a. "would you like for me to wipe those off for you?" with a devilish grin on his face.
b. "a few spots cannot mar your beauty." and smiled with a light of something wicked in his eyes.
c. "sometimes the greatest blessing can also be a curse, hmm?" and winked at me with a knowing grin.
Friday, January 27, 2006
5c
i laughed at that statement. he laughed too, but his laughter had the thread of something else in it. i was close to asking him outright if he wanted to fuck me. i mean, he'd given me about as many hints as was possible. i'd have to be an idiot not to know what his intentions were at this point. instead i played it cool, cuz i wasn't really sure if i even wanted to have that conversation with him at this point.
i noted just how different this exchange between he and i was from the kind i'd had with black men. i flirt without hesitation with those brothas, confident in my ability to handle the situation with them. that's familiar ground right there. this wasn't. he came up in a totally different environment, one where black people weren't an oppressed entity in his country, enslaved or lynched or denied basic rights based on skin color. i tried to see myself as he saw me and drew a blank. it was hard to believe this white guy wasn't looking at me and thinking about how my race had been treated in america. i realized then i still had some evolving to do, as my mind was unable to embrace the concept that outside of america, black folk were seen by many other folk as being human beings with darker skin, not a lesser race.
mikhail had called the waitress over with a napkin so i could wipe the stains on my t-shirt. i was kind of self-conscious doing it in front of him. for some reason my breasts seemed even larger than usual in that damn t-shirt and the idea of rubbing a napkin on them made me think he was gonna end up with a chubby, so i just dabbed at a couple of the spots and set the napkin down. he called for the check and paid the bill. we left and headed back towards the car.
"what are you doing for labor day weekend?" he asked.
"i have no earthly idea," i answered, "probably go chill out with my parents."
"we could go to new york," he said with a laugh, like he was joking, only there was a hopeful look in his eye that let me know he wasn't really joking. what the FUCK? are all russian cats this forward? i was expecting him to just tell me outright he wanted to fuck me, cuz why else would i be going to new york with him? that's shit lovers do, not platonic friends, and we weren't even friends yet. shit, we were still acquaintances!
i just played that shit off like he was joking, cuz in my mind it WAS a joke.
"yeah right," i responded with humor, "let's hold off on that until AFTER i know where you live."
"i live in norcross," he said, the twinkle back in his eye. i could tell he understood what i was saying though.
"uh, i mean when i've actually BEEN to your house and have met your next of kin so i know whom to notify if you get mugged in central park."
we both laughed as we came to the car. i was walking around to the passenger side when...
a. he grabbed my hand and slowly pulled me towards him.
b. i heard him exclaim "SHIT!" angrily.
c. he tripped and fell over a crack in the pavement.
i noted just how different this exchange between he and i was from the kind i'd had with black men. i flirt without hesitation with those brothas, confident in my ability to handle the situation with them. that's familiar ground right there. this wasn't. he came up in a totally different environment, one where black people weren't an oppressed entity in his country, enslaved or lynched or denied basic rights based on skin color. i tried to see myself as he saw me and drew a blank. it was hard to believe this white guy wasn't looking at me and thinking about how my race had been treated in america. i realized then i still had some evolving to do, as my mind was unable to embrace the concept that outside of america, black folk were seen by many other folk as being human beings with darker skin, not a lesser race.
mikhail had called the waitress over with a napkin so i could wipe the stains on my t-shirt. i was kind of self-conscious doing it in front of him. for some reason my breasts seemed even larger than usual in that damn t-shirt and the idea of rubbing a napkin on them made me think he was gonna end up with a chubby, so i just dabbed at a couple of the spots and set the napkin down. he called for the check and paid the bill. we left and headed back towards the car.
"what are you doing for labor day weekend?" he asked.
"i have no earthly idea," i answered, "probably go chill out with my parents."
"we could go to new york," he said with a laugh, like he was joking, only there was a hopeful look in his eye that let me know he wasn't really joking. what the FUCK? are all russian cats this forward? i was expecting him to just tell me outright he wanted to fuck me, cuz why else would i be going to new york with him? that's shit lovers do, not platonic friends, and we weren't even friends yet. shit, we were still acquaintances!
i just played that shit off like he was joking, cuz in my mind it WAS a joke.
"yeah right," i responded with humor, "let's hold off on that until AFTER i know where you live."
"i live in norcross," he said, the twinkle back in his eye. i could tell he understood what i was saying though.
"uh, i mean when i've actually BEEN to your house and have met your next of kin so i know whom to notify if you get mugged in central park."
we both laughed as we came to the car. i was walking around to the passenger side when...
a. he grabbed my hand and slowly pulled me towards him.
b. i heard him exclaim "SHIT!" angrily.
c. he tripped and fell over a crack in the pavement.
they dived into 25 questions like dolphins into the deep
thanks to all the folk who took time to satisfy my curiosity. i've learned some fascinating things about my fellow bloggers, alot of it funny, alot of it awe inspiring, all of it original. thank you for participating!
aiight, so here is the list of folk, with links to the post in their blogs. i hope you'll take some time to check out the blogs and drop a comment or two. i'm sure they'll appreciate it. i'll post my answers to the questions sometime before the weekend is out. LOL.
here's brit - and she has NEVER masturbated before! i never thought i'd find someone who hasn't, but that makes her unique...and no doubt horny as hell all the time.
josie's says her list is too soft and bashful, but it's really just honest and that's all we can ask!
t. casanova had sex twice this past week, so it's safe to say that he's making the most of the atlanta women. oh...and the brotha DON'T LIKE TUPAC. ;)
mika, strives to put out a CD of her music in 2006. do you sing or play a musical instrument or both?
shavonne, loves pretty dicks but has a gag reflex problem when it comes to um...swallowing the uh...stuff. kinda like biting into a chocolate cupcake only to realize the creamy center is snot, huh fellas?
insanelysane is hungry for knowledge, and judging from her other blog, that ain't the only thing that got a sista chomping at the bit. you go girl!
neenee's first sexual experience evidently was with the jolly green gentle giant.
because of will, i am now permanently referring to masturbating as 'willing'...you'll understand what i'm talking about...
honey-libra does not like sticking small dicks in her mouth (who does???)
ladynay kept her answers short and sweet, but i was still able to determine she likes to give oral sex. LOL
and here are the answers folk put here:
first, the questions:
1. are you content with your life?
2. if not, what would make you content?
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
4. what do you like most about yourself?
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
6. what irritates you most about other people?
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
10. if so, why?
11. if not, why?
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
13. was it a good experience for you?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
19. do you masturbate?
20. what are your favorite television shows?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
24. what is your zodiac sign?
25. what do you love most about blogging?
now, the answers:
chezniki is living the life i wanna live when i grow up:
1. are you content with your life?
No
2. if not, what would make you content?
Successful Career(s), Natural Twins, Good Husband, Own My Home, for my life to mean something
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
N/A
4. what do you like most about yourself?
My resourcefulness (hustle), My voice(s), My fearlessness (sometimes), My hair
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
My belly
6. what irritates you most about other people?
People who are Judgmental, Mean Spirited, and Purposefully Ignorant
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
Currently trapped in Massachusetts (born in NYC)
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections)
VERSATILITY! Intelligence, Resourcefulness, Skilled, Large, Lots of Integrity, Lots of Hair
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
F*ck No!
10. if so, why? N/A
11. if not, why?
MFers take it for granted (Im boycotting till at least March 30th)
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Which Time?
13. was it a good experience for you?
Again...Which Time?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
Next door neighbor's loud a$$ alarm clock
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
Stop taking the Bar and start living my life.
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
Lose Weight, Pass the Bar, Have Lots of Orgasms
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
Single-The bathroom is ALWAYS free
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
Is that a trick question? I live in Boston, I dont have sex anymore.
19. do you masturbate?
Whenever I have to.
20. what are your favorite television shows?
Law and Order...is there really any other show?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
Angela Bassett/Danny Glover
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
The Game's CD (dont ask, dont tell)
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
Phat Lady Sings
24. what is your zodiac sign?
Cancer
25. what do you love most about blogging?
Positive Attention, Immediate Publishing, Meeting New People
rell ain't gettin none, so sistas out there, help a brotha out!:
1. Pretty Much
2. A Significant Other
3. I have everything that I need and want but the aforementioned significant other
4. The fact that i'm one of the nicest people I know
5. I wish I was taller!
6. People who complain about petty things when really someone always has it worse
7. North Carolina!
8. Someone who was raised in a similar manner, enjoys sports and is intelligent
9. silence is consent i suppose
12. 19
13. nope
14. that's a great question -- i'll have to think about that one
15. working at a collegiate Division 1 school in the athletic dept.
16. start my thesis
17. Single, I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to anyone.
18. ummm NEVER
19. I'm a 23-year-old man...
20. Lost, 24, South Park, Family Guy, The Boondocks, Sportscenter, PTI, Around the Horn, Everybody Hates Chris, Prison Break
21. none really in particular, i'm more of a producer/writer/director fan
22. Common, Kirk Franklin and Kanye (lol)
23. Intelligent, Caring and Compassionate
24. My b-day is June 21st so it's either Cancer or Leo (not sure which one)
25. The fact that I can keep writing, what is essentially a daily magazine. I really don't do it for therapy per se like some, I do it cause I like to give people interesting things to think about and keep them informed about things going on in our world. It's like my own little company.
bajanqueen is always the positive sista:
1. Even though shit ain't right...I'm very content right now!
2. Financial independence....is one of many that would make me very content.
3. My Family....
4. Everything!! ok, ok, my sense of humor.
5. Nothing....
6. When they pretend to be something they are not!
7. NYC...
8. I want commitment, honesty, these are just to name a few...
9. Yes
10. Cause I'm good at it!!! ~lol~
11. I love it!!
12. 16
13. Hell NO!!!
14. Damn this one is hard!! I guess my spirit.....it won't let me give up!
15. Owning my own home, happily married, and doing what I love best!!
16. Staying true to myself!
17. Right now I'm single....what I like best about it is the quiet time...I'm more in touch with who I am! Or rather I'm learing more about me!
18. Hello.....I just said I'm single...I don't get none!!
19. This is the only some I get!! Yes I do.
20. Grey's Anatomy, Cheers, Good Times, The Jeffersons....to name a few!
21. Patrick Dempsey (he stars in Grey's Anatomy)
22. Dru Hill Hits
23. Tenacious, Loving, and Nurturing.
24. Taurus
25. Freedom of expression....
verseone thinks he's cute, but he's really not...(no, he really is...):
1. No.
2. Because, contentment breeds stagnation.
3. N/A
4. my cuteness. (Nikki)
5. the number of zeroes that show up at the end of my paycheck.
6. Ignorance of the African-american condition, and people non-chalance about its effects.
7. GA.
8. cuteness, social consciousness, and knowing my favorite artist.
9. uh... yeah it's against the law not to. *Nikki u know about the laws, right?
10. cause of the law of "reciprication". practice it!
11. some people never heard of the law of "reciprication".
12. 14
13. Nope, her little brother and sister were bangin on the door the whole time. Talkin' about "we hungry, it's lunchtime".
14. The ability to be able to wake up.
15. Breathing.
16. None.
17. that's a long answer.
18. more than once.
19. depends on Question #18.
20. Bernie Mac, Everybody hates Chris, Seinfeld
21. Mos Def, Sanaa Lathan,
22. Mos,Tupac, LittleBrother, Amel,Talib, and Jean Grae.
23. what's an adjective?
24. Gemini.
25. the word "blogging". It's just a great word to say. And 5 years ago it wasn't even a word. Isn't that cool!?
olawunmi...all i gotta say is you betta be glad you ain't on this continent...:
1. not at the moment, i'm so far from where i would like to be...
2.true financial independence, this graduate shool thing is killing me.
3. counting my blessings makes me realise how goodGod has been to me.
4. my heart.
5. this incredible impatience. i would love to be more patient, starting right now!
6. stupidity
7. i live in manchester, in england (the united kingdom)
8. honesty, commitment, intelligence, kindness, compassion, ambition and a healthy dose of common-sense to name a few basic qualities
9. hell yeah!
10. i have mad skills and its a real trip to watch a woman lose control.
11. please... if you can't reciprocate, your ass i will defenestrate.
12. 17
13. nope. it was awkward as hell
14. the fear of becoming poor if i don't work hard.
15. running my own empire
16. finish this phd
17. single. not having to answer to anyone.
18. depends
19. no need to
20. topgear, 24, er.
21. anthony hopkins, jamie foxx, nia long
22. james blunt - back to bedlam
23. fun, deep, contradictory
24. cancer
25. the fact that it gives me a ready-made forum to say anything and everything i want without having to look for an interested audience.
bkbabe is gonna be my road dawg when i get to new york this summer:
1. for the most part... yup.
2. traveling....
3. a peace of mind, sitting still at the moment, enjoying me.
4. my resiliance
5. my stuck moments, need to fast fwd them "faster"
6. no motivation, no go out and get it, or get over it...
7. nyc-atl
8. a sense a humor and a brain, ooh don't get me wet!
9.Yup. Sure do.
10. Its all about the guy, and me being into that guy, that moment.
11. next question
12. legal
13. nope.
14. Ummm a heartbeat? And a good book to read on train ride...
15. kids, 2nd book, half the globe scaved, next half on the way, settled in loving relationship, and working on PHD... and business.
16. same plan as 2005, 4, 3, 2,etc
never stop growing and trying...
17. on the semi tip, its exciting starting something new, and nerve wrecking too... anxiety, anxiety.
18. pleading fifth.
19. not at the moment.
20. not a big tv watcher...
22. a mix cd i made
23. funny, determined, charismatic
24. december baby
25. expressing myself thru words...
bullfrog waited until marriage to have sex. i ain't mad at you, brotha:
1. are you content with your life?
yes
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
my relationship with God; knowing He is ultimately in control keeps me grounded when circumstances get rough
4. what do you like most about yourself?
my sense of humor
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
negative self image
6. what irritates you most about other people?
few people REALLY listen
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
California
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
strong where I am weak: considerate, sensitive, gentle
skipped a few, too personal...
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
26
13. was it a good experience for you?
the first time was more awkward, just glad to get it over with
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
my family, great job
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
same line of work, but more of a supervisory role, more kids, hopefully I'll be a much better husband
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
my wife is having our 2nd child in May, so raising 2 babies (our first is almost a year old) should keep us busy, and getting our house in order.
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
being married to the right person makes me better and it is a constant learning experience
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
3-4 times on average
20. what are your favorite television shows?
i am hooked on reality TV, you name the show
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
always been a big fan of Deniro and I don't have a favorite actress, I think alot of them are getting by on their looks right now
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
Cameo, Bilal, Angie Stone
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
cerebral, methodical, goofy
24. what is your zodiac sign?
Gemini
25. what do you love most about blogging?
It's hard to have conversation about real issues with friends without scaring them (you've read my BLOG entry, "What the BLOG?"
aquababie is my sista in locs:
1. i'm working on the parts that aren't working.
2. more peace of mind
3. my family, friends & my sweetie
4. my self-determination, intelligence & boobs
5. i could stand to lose 15 pounds
6. people who take me for granted
7. mississippi
8. someone who listens(when i choose to talk), honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, consciousness and accepts me for the person i am and the person i'm building myself to be
9. hell yes!
10. i love watching a man's reaction as i pleasure him. it's a big turn-on.
11. n/a
12. 19
13. yes
14. knowing i have an obligation to myself to go out in the world and make it
15. possibly back in school working on my Ph.D.; maybe married and a baby
16. get my shit together mentally and physically
17. having someone i can rely on when i can't rely on myself...someone who can be strong for me when i can't be
18. 1-5 times a week...depends how i feel
19. hell yes!
20. the wire, gray's anatomy, anything on history channel, tlc, discovery or a&e
21. samuel l. jackson, don cheadle. no favorite actress at the moment
22. erkyah badu mp3 my sweetie made for me; common; earth, wind & fire; john coltrane; theolonious monk
23. introspective, funny, caring
24. aquarius
25. it helps me get things out of my cluttered mind. i write much better than i can vocalize sometimes. it's good therapy.
truthz always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:
1. most of the time
2. to have the american dream, rich husband who loved and respected the mess outta me and my babies and security
3. i am at a point in my life where it doesn't really matter what others think
4. the fact that i don't stay down for good
5. i have a hard time forgiving peeps esp myself
6. fakeness and liars..
7. chi-town will always be my home even if i ain't there right now
8. now i look at his left hand ring finger
9. can't give up everything
10.
11.
12. 181/2 lol..i was in college
13. no
14. the fact that if i didn't my kids would sit on my head or burn down the house
15. publishing books
16. to take better care of me and my feelings
17. when i figure this out, i willlet you know
18. 0
19. not n e more...poor bubba
20. 24 top model
21. i loved me some ossie davis and james earl jones and wow too many to name
22. your smile
23. honest, sensitive, master of masks
24. ?
25. the love i receive from the other bloggers
bryonp...next time, put up your site info so i can link you!:
1.yes
2.content
3.my kid
4.my sense of humor
5.my height
6.stupidity
7.michigan
8.intelligence,sense of humor, compassion,dignity,spirituality, high sex drive.
9. hell yes and twice on Sundays
10. I love to know that my boo is being pleasured and i'm the cause of it.
11.see above
12.twelve
13.yep all two minutes of it.
14.my kid. gotta see her face every morning.
15.expanding my small businesses.
16.the idea that my other is giving back as well as accepting my love.
17.to live to see 2007. Sound simple but honestly it's not.
18.3-5 times
19.yep. I hit so many licks i went to pee and it started duckin'
20.the sheild, the boondocks, dave chapelle, and law and order.and Family guy
21. actor Samuel Jackson actress Halle Barry
22.Parliement P-Funk(I want's to get funked up)
23.choclate coated, freaky and habit forming
24.Capricorn
25.expressing and veiwing opinions from individual from all perspective and political spectrums.
aiight, so here is the list of folk, with links to the post in their blogs. i hope you'll take some time to check out the blogs and drop a comment or two. i'm sure they'll appreciate it. i'll post my answers to the questions sometime before the weekend is out. LOL.
here's brit - and she has NEVER masturbated before! i never thought i'd find someone who hasn't, but that makes her unique...and no doubt horny as hell all the time.
josie's says her list is too soft and bashful, but it's really just honest and that's all we can ask!
t. casanova had sex twice this past week, so it's safe to say that he's making the most of the atlanta women. oh...and the brotha DON'T LIKE TUPAC. ;)
mika, strives to put out a CD of her music in 2006. do you sing or play a musical instrument or both?
shavonne, loves pretty dicks but has a gag reflex problem when it comes to um...swallowing the uh...stuff. kinda like biting into a chocolate cupcake only to realize the creamy center is snot, huh fellas?
insanelysane is hungry for knowledge, and judging from her other blog, that ain't the only thing that got a sista chomping at the bit. you go girl!
neenee's first sexual experience evidently was with the jolly green gentle giant.
because of will, i am now permanently referring to masturbating as 'willing'...you'll understand what i'm talking about...
honey-libra does not like sticking small dicks in her mouth (who does???)
ladynay kept her answers short and sweet, but i was still able to determine she likes to give oral sex. LOL
and here are the answers folk put here:
first, the questions:
1. are you content with your life?
2. if not, what would make you content?
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
4. what do you like most about yourself?
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
6. what irritates you most about other people?
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
10. if so, why?
11. if not, why?
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
13. was it a good experience for you?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
19. do you masturbate?
20. what are your favorite television shows?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
24. what is your zodiac sign?
25. what do you love most about blogging?
now, the answers:
chezniki is living the life i wanna live when i grow up:
1. are you content with your life?
No
2. if not, what would make you content?
Successful Career(s), Natural Twins, Good Husband, Own My Home, for my life to mean something
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
N/A
4. what do you like most about yourself?
My resourcefulness (hustle), My voice(s), My fearlessness (sometimes), My hair
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
My belly
6. what irritates you most about other people?
People who are Judgmental, Mean Spirited, and Purposefully Ignorant
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
Currently trapped in Massachusetts (born in NYC)
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections)
VERSATILITY! Intelligence, Resourcefulness, Skilled, Large, Lots of Integrity, Lots of Hair
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
F*ck No!
10. if so, why? N/A
11. if not, why?
MFers take it for granted (Im boycotting till at least March 30th)
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Which Time?
13. was it a good experience for you?
Again...Which Time?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
Next door neighbor's loud a$$ alarm clock
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
Stop taking the Bar and start living my life.
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
Lose Weight, Pass the Bar, Have Lots of Orgasms
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
Single-The bathroom is ALWAYS free
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
Is that a trick question? I live in Boston, I dont have sex anymore.
19. do you masturbate?
Whenever I have to.
20. what are your favorite television shows?
Law and Order...is there really any other show?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
Angela Bassett/Danny Glover
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
The Game's CD (dont ask, dont tell)
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
Phat Lady Sings
24. what is your zodiac sign?
Cancer
25. what do you love most about blogging?
Positive Attention, Immediate Publishing, Meeting New People
rell ain't gettin none, so sistas out there, help a brotha out!:
1. Pretty Much
2. A Significant Other
3. I have everything that I need and want but the aforementioned significant other
4. The fact that i'm one of the nicest people I know
5. I wish I was taller!
6. People who complain about petty things when really someone always has it worse
7. North Carolina!
8. Someone who was raised in a similar manner, enjoys sports and is intelligent
9. silence is consent i suppose
12. 19
13. nope
14. that's a great question -- i'll have to think about that one
15. working at a collegiate Division 1 school in the athletic dept.
16. start my thesis
17. Single, I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to anyone.
18. ummm NEVER
19. I'm a 23-year-old man...
20. Lost, 24, South Park, Family Guy, The Boondocks, Sportscenter, PTI, Around the Horn, Everybody Hates Chris, Prison Break
21. none really in particular, i'm more of a producer/writer/director fan
22. Common, Kirk Franklin and Kanye (lol)
23. Intelligent, Caring and Compassionate
24. My b-day is June 21st so it's either Cancer or Leo (not sure which one)
25. The fact that I can keep writing, what is essentially a daily magazine. I really don't do it for therapy per se like some, I do it cause I like to give people interesting things to think about and keep them informed about things going on in our world. It's like my own little company.
bajanqueen is always the positive sista:
1. Even though shit ain't right...I'm very content right now!
2. Financial independence....is one of many that would make me very content.
3. My Family....
4. Everything!! ok, ok, my sense of humor.
5. Nothing....
6. When they pretend to be something they are not!
7. NYC...
8. I want commitment, honesty, these are just to name a few...
9. Yes
10. Cause I'm good at it!!! ~lol~
11. I love it!!
12. 16
13. Hell NO!!!
14. Damn this one is hard!! I guess my spirit.....it won't let me give up!
15. Owning my own home, happily married, and doing what I love best!!
16. Staying true to myself!
17. Right now I'm single....what I like best about it is the quiet time...I'm more in touch with who I am! Or rather I'm learing more about me!
18. Hello.....I just said I'm single...I don't get none!!
19. This is the only some I get!! Yes I do.
20. Grey's Anatomy, Cheers, Good Times, The Jeffersons....to name a few!
21. Patrick Dempsey (he stars in Grey's Anatomy)
22. Dru Hill Hits
23. Tenacious, Loving, and Nurturing.
24. Taurus
25. Freedom of expression....
verseone thinks he's cute, but he's really not...(no, he really is...):
1. No.
2. Because, contentment breeds stagnation.
3. N/A
4. my cuteness. (Nikki)
5. the number of zeroes that show up at the end of my paycheck.
6. Ignorance of the African-american condition, and people non-chalance about its effects.
7. GA.
8. cuteness, social consciousness, and knowing my favorite artist.
9. uh... yeah it's against the law not to. *Nikki u know about the laws, right?
10. cause of the law of "reciprication". practice it!
11. some people never heard of the law of "reciprication".
12. 14
13. Nope, her little brother and sister were bangin on the door the whole time. Talkin' about "we hungry, it's lunchtime".
14. The ability to be able to wake up.
15. Breathing.
16. None.
17. that's a long answer.
18. more than once.
19. depends on Question #18.
20. Bernie Mac, Everybody hates Chris, Seinfeld
21. Mos Def, Sanaa Lathan,
22. Mos,Tupac, LittleBrother, Amel,Talib, and Jean Grae.
23. what's an adjective?
24. Gemini.
25. the word "blogging". It's just a great word to say. And 5 years ago it wasn't even a word. Isn't that cool!?
olawunmi...all i gotta say is you betta be glad you ain't on this continent...:
1. not at the moment, i'm so far from where i would like to be...
2.true financial independence, this graduate shool thing is killing me.
3. counting my blessings makes me realise how goodGod has been to me.
4. my heart.
5. this incredible impatience. i would love to be more patient, starting right now!
6. stupidity
7. i live in manchester, in england (the united kingdom)
8. honesty, commitment, intelligence, kindness, compassion, ambition and a healthy dose of common-sense to name a few basic qualities
9. hell yeah!
10. i have mad skills and its a real trip to watch a woman lose control.
11. please... if you can't reciprocate, your ass i will defenestrate.
12. 17
13. nope. it was awkward as hell
14. the fear of becoming poor if i don't work hard.
15. running my own empire
16. finish this phd
17. single. not having to answer to anyone.
18. depends
19. no need to
20. topgear, 24, er.
21. anthony hopkins, jamie foxx, nia long
22. james blunt - back to bedlam
23. fun, deep, contradictory
24. cancer
25. the fact that it gives me a ready-made forum to say anything and everything i want without having to look for an interested audience.
bkbabe is gonna be my road dawg when i get to new york this summer:
1. for the most part... yup.
2. traveling....
3. a peace of mind, sitting still at the moment, enjoying me.
4. my resiliance
5. my stuck moments, need to fast fwd them "faster"
6. no motivation, no go out and get it, or get over it...
7. nyc-atl
8. a sense a humor and a brain, ooh don't get me wet!
9.Yup. Sure do.
10. Its all about the guy, and me being into that guy, that moment.
11. next question
12. legal
13. nope.
14. Ummm a heartbeat? And a good book to read on train ride...
15. kids, 2nd book, half the globe scaved, next half on the way, settled in loving relationship, and working on PHD... and business.
16. same plan as 2005, 4, 3, 2,etc
never stop growing and trying...
17. on the semi tip, its exciting starting something new, and nerve wrecking too... anxiety, anxiety.
18. pleading fifth.
19. not at the moment.
20. not a big tv watcher...
22. a mix cd i made
23. funny, determined, charismatic
24. december baby
25. expressing myself thru words...
bullfrog waited until marriage to have sex. i ain't mad at you, brotha:
1. are you content with your life?
yes
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
my relationship with God; knowing He is ultimately in control keeps me grounded when circumstances get rough
4. what do you like most about yourself?
my sense of humor
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
negative self image
6. what irritates you most about other people?
few people REALLY listen
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
California
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
strong where I am weak: considerate, sensitive, gentle
skipped a few, too personal...
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
26
13. was it a good experience for you?
the first time was more awkward, just glad to get it over with
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
my family, great job
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
same line of work, but more of a supervisory role, more kids, hopefully I'll be a much better husband
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
my wife is having our 2nd child in May, so raising 2 babies (our first is almost a year old) should keep us busy, and getting our house in order.
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
being married to the right person makes me better and it is a constant learning experience
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
3-4 times on average
20. what are your favorite television shows?
i am hooked on reality TV, you name the show
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
always been a big fan of Deniro and I don't have a favorite actress, I think alot of them are getting by on their looks right now
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
Cameo, Bilal, Angie Stone
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
cerebral, methodical, goofy
24. what is your zodiac sign?
Gemini
25. what do you love most about blogging?
It's hard to have conversation about real issues with friends without scaring them (you've read my BLOG entry, "What the BLOG?"
aquababie is my sista in locs:
1. i'm working on the parts that aren't working.
2. more peace of mind
3. my family, friends & my sweetie
4. my self-determination, intelligence & boobs
5. i could stand to lose 15 pounds
6. people who take me for granted
7. mississippi
8. someone who listens(when i choose to talk), honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, consciousness and accepts me for the person i am and the person i'm building myself to be
9. hell yes!
10. i love watching a man's reaction as i pleasure him. it's a big turn-on.
11. n/a
12. 19
13. yes
14. knowing i have an obligation to myself to go out in the world and make it
15. possibly back in school working on my Ph.D.; maybe married and a baby
16. get my shit together mentally and physically
17. having someone i can rely on when i can't rely on myself...someone who can be strong for me when i can't be
18. 1-5 times a week...depends how i feel
19. hell yes!
20. the wire, gray's anatomy, anything on history channel, tlc, discovery or a&e
21. samuel l. jackson, don cheadle. no favorite actress at the moment
22. erkyah badu mp3 my sweetie made for me; common; earth, wind & fire; john coltrane; theolonious monk
23. introspective, funny, caring
24. aquarius
25. it helps me get things out of my cluttered mind. i write much better than i can vocalize sometimes. it's good therapy.
truthz always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:
1. most of the time
2. to have the american dream, rich husband who loved and respected the mess outta me and my babies and security
3. i am at a point in my life where it doesn't really matter what others think
4. the fact that i don't stay down for good
5. i have a hard time forgiving peeps esp myself
6. fakeness and liars..
7. chi-town will always be my home even if i ain't there right now
8. now i look at his left hand ring finger
9. can't give up everything
10.
11.
12. 181/2 lol..i was in college
13. no
14. the fact that if i didn't my kids would sit on my head or burn down the house
15. publishing books
16. to take better care of me and my feelings
17. when i figure this out, i willlet you know
18. 0
19. not n e more...poor bubba
20. 24 top model
21. i loved me some ossie davis and james earl jones and wow too many to name
22. your smile
23. honest, sensitive, master of masks
24. ?
25. the love i receive from the other bloggers
bryonp...next time, put up your site info so i can link you!:
1.yes
2.content
3.my kid
4.my sense of humor
5.my height
6.stupidity
7.michigan
8.intelligence,sense of humor, compassion,dignity,spirituality, high sex drive.
9. hell yes and twice on Sundays
10. I love to know that my boo is being pleasured and i'm the cause of it.
11.see above
12.twelve
13.yep all two minutes of it.
14.my kid. gotta see her face every morning.
15.expanding my small businesses.
16.the idea that my other is giving back as well as accepting my love.
17.to live to see 2007. Sound simple but honestly it's not.
18.3-5 times
19.yep. I hit so many licks i went to pee and it started duckin'
20.the sheild, the boondocks, dave chapelle, and law and order.and Family guy
21. actor Samuel Jackson actress Halle Barry
22.Parliement P-Funk(I want's to get funked up)
23.choclate coated, freaky and habit forming
24.Capricorn
25.expressing and veiwing opinions from individual from all perspective and political spectrums.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
7b
nah. what he said was "you are right. i will not let the ending ruin this date." try again suckas!
25 reminder
if you've posted your answers to the 25 questions in your blog, let me know here (if you haven't let me know in the original post). i'll be putting links to your answers in tomorrow's post.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
phil, pt. 1
i met him through a good friend of mine. actually, the 'good friend' was my senior prom date, who was a correctional officer. in a girl's mind (okay...maybe only in my mind) that meant he had alot of guy friends who looked cute in uniform.
so the good friend, 'toine, threw a cookout at his place and invited all of his co-workers and other friends to share in the food and drink. i got there two hours late as per my usual steelo, and stepped into a sea of fine brothas. i had been there maybe ten minutes when i saw 'him' standing in the crowd over by one of the card tables (cuz you know the spades was dropping all over the place). i raised an eyebrow and made my scan of him from head to toe. about 6'2, 220 lbs of muscle and mayhem, skin was golden brown like nutmeg, and his hair was cut low and brushed so thoroughly that the waves in it glistened beneath the summer sun. he had on a pair of baggy jeans and a button-down shirt and was leaning over the table to peep somebody's cards, a heineken bottle curled tightly within his grasp.
niiiice.
i like nice. i especially like nice when it's got a tight ass attached to it.
so then the game begins. i saunter over to the card table and stand to his left, making covert glances in his direction to make sure the perfection i viewed from afar wasn't an aberration. luckily he was just as fine up close as he was from across the yard. i breathed in deeply and my nostrils were assuaged by his cologne, a combination of sandlewood notes threaded with a hint of cinnamon.
i smiled.
cuz there ain't nothing like a good smelling man. a good smelling man is someone who thinks of the small things like washing his scrotum thoroughly. then again, he might be that cat who thinks he can just splash some cologne down there to cover up the stench of sweat caking up in the crevices. meanwhile, it usually has all of the effectiveness of placing a bandaid over a gunshot wound.
i frowned.
cuz now i was thinking about him camafloguing his sweaty balls with cologne. then i started thinking about how sweaty balls sprinkled with cologne taste. frankly, it's nasty. it's like getting a serving of meatballs only to find out somebody dropped them on the floor prior to putting them on your plate. you think to yourself 'god made dirt, and dirt don't hurt, right?'...so you decide to take a bite of it only to discover the same fool who dropped them on the floor thought they could cover up the move by first immersing them in a vat of drakkar noir.
wait...that didn't even make any fucking sense. aiight, back to the story.
i'm standing there with the frown on my face, eyes staring unfocused into the distance as the remembered taste of salty scrotum dipped in drakkar noir had my visage crumpled into the beer face. i didn't even feel the tap to my shoulder until his voice was close to my ear.
"hey, nikki."
i turned my head quickly towards the direction of the voice and smacked my forehead up against his chin.
"ouch!" i exclaimed, as i grabbed for my forehead to rub it. here we go again.
the fact of the matter is that i'm clumsy. i fall down steps. i fall up steps. i've even fallen through steps. shit, i'm sure i've invented new ways of falling on steps. and it's not just steps, either. i've tripped over cracks in the sidewalk, both real and non-existent, fallen into ditches, tumbled into lakes, crashed through ceilings, and almost broke my neck once when i tried to flip onto a couch during one of my 'i'm gonna impress my boyfriend' moments.
so hitting my head against the brotha's chin was yet another installment in the 'chronicles of nikki's clumsiness'.
anyway, once my eyes refocused, they were looking right into the face of the guy i had up until been checking on the sly. him. and he somehow knew my name!
"uh, hello?" i asked dazedly, still rubbing the sore spot on my forehead. he was rubbing his chin, a wary look in his eyes. ut oh...he's already thinking i'm a clumsy idiot.
"yeah," he started, "how you doin'? my boy 'toine told me you'd be stopping by."
what? so the brotha's been asking about me? sweeeet! then i started feverishly trying to figure out where he'd seen me before. he must have seen that look of 'where do i know you from' on my face, cuz he grinned and continued.
"the super bowl party at jermaine's house earlier this year," he stated, "i was there with my ex-girlfriend, so you probably don't remember me."
i damn sure didn't remember him. as soon as i see a guy with another girl, he's persona non grata as far as i'm concerned. there are way too many men in the world for me to be getting all caught up in someone else's man. then i noticed he said 'ex'...which meant he was nice and available.
i grinned with all the cheese i could muster.
"'ex', huh?" i said. see, i gotta confirm i heard correctly. no drama needed in nikki's world, feel me?
"yeah, 'ex'. we broke up a few months ago," he stated, his eyes holding mine intently. "and i've been single ever since."
"is that so," i said matter-of-factly, my hopes rising. "cool."
i stepped away from the table and he took the hint and fell into step with me as i walked towards a shaded area next to some trees.
"i definitely remember you from the party. you had on a short skirt that showed off your amazing legs." he had a sly look on his face as he made a slow perusal down my body.
i grinned again. uh, that's what the short skirts are for, papi. as we took a seat beneath one of the trees, i pulled down the short skirt i was wearing right then (why fix something that ain't broke, right?) and extended my 'amazing' legs before crossing them in front of me.
"i'm sorry, but i don't remember you at all." a smirk was spilling from my face as i tried to blunt the blow to his ego. "but it's all good. i didn't need to notice you if you had a girlfriend."
he chuckled as he dropped to sit next to me, his back settled against the trunk of the tree as he turned his head to face me. we just stared at each other. i noticed the smile on his face ended with a dimple in his left cheek. oh shit, but this cat was getting cuter by the minute.
"so you know my name and i don't know yours," i stated mischeviously, trying to coax him into giving me what i wanted without straight up asking "so what yo name be?"
"my name is phil...," he answered, then he added, "better known as the brotha who's gonna be monopolizing all of your time for the rest of the day."
ohhhh...it's like THAT now? you know nikki wasn't mad at that. not mad at all...
my chest puffed up a little as i realized i was being pursued for once by the same guy i had my eye on instead of that guy's less attractive friend whom he dragged to the party to show him how the other half lives. not that i haven't dated unattractive guys. actually, every guy i've dated has been attractive to me. it's just that sometimes it took a while for my eyes to warm up to the view of his missing teeth or crossed eyes or the hump protruding from his back.
but not this time. no, this time i was talking to the cute guy with the engaging smile and perfect teeth and the nice ass. and the nice ass. THE NICE ASS. *sigh*
"so you think you got it like that, do you?" i asked him with a fake note of indignance in my voice. meanwhile there was another voice screaming inside my head "hell yeah you got it like that you tall drink of fuckable chocolate. yes you do!"
"of course i've got it like that. you didn't know?"
then he winked at me.
look at this smooth mothafucka here...
the smile on my face grew as my imagination started running laps around reality.
oh yeah, this is gonna be nice indeed...
so the good friend, 'toine, threw a cookout at his place and invited all of his co-workers and other friends to share in the food and drink. i got there two hours late as per my usual steelo, and stepped into a sea of fine brothas. i had been there maybe ten minutes when i saw 'him' standing in the crowd over by one of the card tables (cuz you know the spades was dropping all over the place). i raised an eyebrow and made my scan of him from head to toe. about 6'2, 220 lbs of muscle and mayhem, skin was golden brown like nutmeg, and his hair was cut low and brushed so thoroughly that the waves in it glistened beneath the summer sun. he had on a pair of baggy jeans and a button-down shirt and was leaning over the table to peep somebody's cards, a heineken bottle curled tightly within his grasp.
niiiice.
i like nice. i especially like nice when it's got a tight ass attached to it.
so then the game begins. i saunter over to the card table and stand to his left, making covert glances in his direction to make sure the perfection i viewed from afar wasn't an aberration. luckily he was just as fine up close as he was from across the yard. i breathed in deeply and my nostrils were assuaged by his cologne, a combination of sandlewood notes threaded with a hint of cinnamon.
i smiled.
cuz there ain't nothing like a good smelling man. a good smelling man is someone who thinks of the small things like washing his scrotum thoroughly. then again, he might be that cat who thinks he can just splash some cologne down there to cover up the stench of sweat caking up in the crevices. meanwhile, it usually has all of the effectiveness of placing a bandaid over a gunshot wound.
i frowned.
cuz now i was thinking about him camafloguing his sweaty balls with cologne. then i started thinking about how sweaty balls sprinkled with cologne taste. frankly, it's nasty. it's like getting a serving of meatballs only to find out somebody dropped them on the floor prior to putting them on your plate. you think to yourself 'god made dirt, and dirt don't hurt, right?'...so you decide to take a bite of it only to discover the same fool who dropped them on the floor thought they could cover up the move by first immersing them in a vat of drakkar noir.
wait...that didn't even make any fucking sense. aiight, back to the story.
i'm standing there with the frown on my face, eyes staring unfocused into the distance as the remembered taste of salty scrotum dipped in drakkar noir had my visage crumpled into the beer face. i didn't even feel the tap to my shoulder until his voice was close to my ear.
"hey, nikki."
i turned my head quickly towards the direction of the voice and smacked my forehead up against his chin.
"ouch!" i exclaimed, as i grabbed for my forehead to rub it. here we go again.
the fact of the matter is that i'm clumsy. i fall down steps. i fall up steps. i've even fallen through steps. shit, i'm sure i've invented new ways of falling on steps. and it's not just steps, either. i've tripped over cracks in the sidewalk, both real and non-existent, fallen into ditches, tumbled into lakes, crashed through ceilings, and almost broke my neck once when i tried to flip onto a couch during one of my 'i'm gonna impress my boyfriend' moments.
so hitting my head against the brotha's chin was yet another installment in the 'chronicles of nikki's clumsiness'.
anyway, once my eyes refocused, they were looking right into the face of the guy i had up until been checking on the sly. him. and he somehow knew my name!
"uh, hello?" i asked dazedly, still rubbing the sore spot on my forehead. he was rubbing his chin, a wary look in his eyes. ut oh...he's already thinking i'm a clumsy idiot.
"yeah," he started, "how you doin'? my boy 'toine told me you'd be stopping by."
what? so the brotha's been asking about me? sweeeet! then i started feverishly trying to figure out where he'd seen me before. he must have seen that look of 'where do i know you from' on my face, cuz he grinned and continued.
"the super bowl party at jermaine's house earlier this year," he stated, "i was there with my ex-girlfriend, so you probably don't remember me."
i damn sure didn't remember him. as soon as i see a guy with another girl, he's persona non grata as far as i'm concerned. there are way too many men in the world for me to be getting all caught up in someone else's man. then i noticed he said 'ex'...which meant he was nice and available.
i grinned with all the cheese i could muster.
"'ex', huh?" i said. see, i gotta confirm i heard correctly. no drama needed in nikki's world, feel me?
"yeah, 'ex'. we broke up a few months ago," he stated, his eyes holding mine intently. "and i've been single ever since."
"is that so," i said matter-of-factly, my hopes rising. "cool."
i stepped away from the table and he took the hint and fell into step with me as i walked towards a shaded area next to some trees.
"i definitely remember you from the party. you had on a short skirt that showed off your amazing legs." he had a sly look on his face as he made a slow perusal down my body.
i grinned again. uh, that's what the short skirts are for, papi. as we took a seat beneath one of the trees, i pulled down the short skirt i was wearing right then (why fix something that ain't broke, right?) and extended my 'amazing' legs before crossing them in front of me.
"i'm sorry, but i don't remember you at all." a smirk was spilling from my face as i tried to blunt the blow to his ego. "but it's all good. i didn't need to notice you if you had a girlfriend."
he chuckled as he dropped to sit next to me, his back settled against the trunk of the tree as he turned his head to face me. we just stared at each other. i noticed the smile on his face ended with a dimple in his left cheek. oh shit, but this cat was getting cuter by the minute.
"so you know my name and i don't know yours," i stated mischeviously, trying to coax him into giving me what i wanted without straight up asking "so what yo name be?"
"my name is phil...," he answered, then he added, "better known as the brotha who's gonna be monopolizing all of your time for the rest of the day."
ohhhh...it's like THAT now? you know nikki wasn't mad at that. not mad at all...
my chest puffed up a little as i realized i was being pursued for once by the same guy i had my eye on instead of that guy's less attractive friend whom he dragged to the party to show him how the other half lives. not that i haven't dated unattractive guys. actually, every guy i've dated has been attractive to me. it's just that sometimes it took a while for my eyes to warm up to the view of his missing teeth or crossed eyes or the hump protruding from his back.
but not this time. no, this time i was talking to the cute guy with the engaging smile and perfect teeth and the nice ass. and the nice ass. THE NICE ASS. *sigh*
"so you think you got it like that, do you?" i asked him with a fake note of indignance in my voice. meanwhile there was another voice screaming inside my head "hell yeah you got it like that you tall drink of fuckable chocolate. yes you do!"
"of course i've got it like that. you didn't know?"
then he winked at me.
look at this smooth mothafucka here...
the smile on my face grew as my imagination started running laps around reality.
oh yeah, this is gonna be nice indeed...
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