Friday, January 13, 2006

battle at the bridge within nikki's body

my heart is a selfish organ. it wants what it wants, thinking little of the consequences of gaining what it wants. it yearns intimacy, burns with passion, spurns that which it does not want. it waxes poetic about what it should have but can't because of reasons that make no sense to it. it can be a child being denied a toy and it responds accordingly. it's in pain when it isn't stroked enough, it's vain in that it thinks all a brotha needs is its presence in his life, it's in direct opposition to my brain.

my brain is a rational organ. it thinks what it thinks, wanting little of the drama of gaining what the heart desires. it yearns connection, burns with cynicism, spurns that which does not challenge it. it is moved by facts but thrives on the possibilities, sometimes overtaxing itself as it tries to make sense out of that which makes no sense. it can be a child being denied a dictionary in favor of a picture book and it responds accordingly. it's smart-assed and makes no apologies for it, it's part arrogance and part fear at being wrong, it's in direct opposition to my heart.

these two organs of mine have been battling for six months. six months of wondering if i can hurt another with my absence because the heart is no longer fond. six months of wondering if my brain can continue to exist on so little daily nourishment. six months of my brain telling my heart with its cynical voice that the heart will never have what it desires and should settle for what it has because life isn't about what you want, it's about what you have and how you deal with it.

through all of this, my spirit sits on the sidelines quietly, shielding its light against the bitter breeze of the battle for it knows this is but one of many skirmishes. it must be the last one standing at the end of this war.