Wednesday, May 04, 2005

am i ready for love?

it's written and sung by india.arie. every time i hear it, i can't help but be moved:

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready
this song to me is more than just melody or poetry. i long for the kind of love she's ready for. ever since i was the little girl who collected romance novels and read them at the rate of like one a day (sometimes two), i've envisioned what that kind of love was like. the kind of love that stunts your sleep because you're too busy thinking about him to go to sleep. then when you realize you can actually be with him in your dreams, you hurriedly close your eyes, praying for a quick ascension into the place where you can see him, touch him, taste him, leisurely stare into his eyes without concern for time.

as a teenager, i had developed a somewhat jaded view of what love was. by this time i had been molested and incapable of looking at men or boys without feeling the fear claw its way up my skin. it continued into college, where i was raped twice, further clouding my vision to the beauty of what love could be. eventually it got to the point where i could only stare at someone i was interested in from afar, because i figured love couldn't be blemished if it's admired from a distance.

as an adult, i still struggle with the concept of love. not just the love between couples, but the love between people, period. i know that i would give my life without a second thought if my brother aswad were in danger. i'd do the same thing for my mom and dad, although i don't think they'd let me because i'm their daughter. is that love? the willingness to sacrifice one's self so that another can live? the desire to protect this person so that he never meets with harm?

the more i sit here and think about it, the more i realize that i love my brother more than anybody else in the world. he is the one person i know i can share all of my thoughts with, no matter how crazy or violent or silly they are. as kids, i would always defend him, even if it meant getting into fights with guys larger than me. i really didn't care, because my little brother would have done the same for me if he could, and he DID do the same for me when we were older. we can still talk on the phone for hours, chatting about anything from sports to spirituality to hip-hop to movies. he is my one kindred spirit. i don't care what he does, he will always have my unconditional love.

man..typing that out really clarified some things for me, and muddled others. is that kind of love possible between two people who have vowed to spend the rest of their lives together? i don't see it between my parents. they're just kinda kickin it in low gear. at this point, they've been together so long, they're on cruise control. i don't think i've seen one older couple who is still completely engaged in each other. maybe that's not possible once the newness of love wears off.

damn, this is really starting to piss me off. i'm searching for something and i don't know if i'll ever find it. maybe i'm NOT ready for love...