Monday, January 09, 2006

a southern gal's observations 'bout big 'ole new yolk citee

now that i'm back in the atl, have had a little time to recover from the three week oddessey i embarked upon in december, watched a little football (and even LESS after witnessing cincy beginning to play like punks), i've had time to marinate over some observations made while in new york:

1. the men in new york are just more appealing..

i'm not sure if it's cuz the air pollution damaged my eyesight or if it's cuz i kept vampire hours, but i think i saw maybe three unattractive guys the whole time i was there. i even saw cute homeless guys! this one particular brotha had my attention until he pulled back his fubu jacket to reveal a cup with pennies jingling in it. even then, it was all good. then i noticed the rubber tube that ran from his crotch to a bag he had slung over his shoulder. if you don't know what that means, then i ain't the one to tell you.

it's not even like they all look like morris chestnut (cuz i'd still be there if they did.) no, these cats were in all shapes and sizes and colors but they all had one appealing trait in common: innate sensuality. they walked with it, talked with it, washed in it, drank it so that it was oozing from their pores, ate is so that it was coming out of their asses, i mean DAMN. oh, and it ain't like in atlanta where the only good looking cats are black. i saw some of the finest white guys i've ever seen in new york and don't get me started on the italian dons and hispanic papis.

2. no matter how clean your brooklyn brownstone is, if it's over fifty years old, it's gonna have mice in it.

my granny has a brownstone. it's old. the mice aren't. they're young and quick and roaming all over the fucking place. they're bold. they stare at you eating and put out their paws as if to say "you're forgetting something..." they hijack your laptop while you're away and go to "pay for porn" sites like "" or "" i'm not sure of the names of the sites. all i can remember is pulling my computer off of standby only to be greeted by the image of a white mouse bent over with a thong cracking her ass. she had a piece of cheese in her paw and a come hither look in her beady red eyes. the image pissed me off cuz i had been hankering for some cheddar all fucking week.

we brought in the cat to drop a dime on the mice. we found the cat dead a day later. someone had cut out his tongue. etched into his ass was a response. "we will protect what's ours by ANY MEANS NECESSARY."

i told granny i was staying with my aunt in long island for the rest of the trip. she scooted me out of the house for a couple of hours to calm my nerves. i think i heard her mutter "damn punk ass" under her breath as i was leaving, but that doesn't sound like something my granny would say to me. by the time i got back, she had three mice bodies split up by mouse traps. another mouse she was dangling over a fire over the stove. the kitchen was stank, smelling of burned mice fur.

"YEAH," she said evilly, singeing the mouse's fur as she swung it over the high flames, "this'll teach you not to come into my house! tell your friends, tell ALL your friends, where you got your burns!"

then she threw the mouse in a corner and watched it scramble away.

granny would later find mouse poop in her house slippers.

3. sometimes folks ask for money cuz they're a little short on cash.

his name was james and he had a story to tell. his baby momma's grandmother's uncle's hairdresser's cousin had a landlord who was a crack-addicted, car-stealing, STD-afflicted crossdresser. turns out the landlord had slept with both the grandmother and the uncle, causing some kind of family feud after folk realized his uncle was sleeping with a man wearing a dress somehow, the baby momma landed in jail cuz the landlord borrowed dolce and gabana knockoff dress from her, returning it a week later with cum stains all in it. dna tests revealed the stains belonged to the uncle, although it's only 99% for certain. baby momma got pissed cuz landlord didn't bother cleaning the dress before returning it, confronted him and smacked him in the head with her phat farm sneaker. she was later arrested. the landlord, embarrassed after the smack to the head, kicked the cousin of the hairdresser out. the hairdresser was handling her clients there, so she was ass out with nowhere to make money. so now the hairdresser (who just happens to be baby momma's regular) is charging more because she has to go to folk houses to do their hair.

"so can a sista spare a couple of dollars so my baby's momma can get her hair done before she go to court?"

i gave him a fiver for his ingenuity and told him he should consider running for president of united states.

more observations to come (keeping these short cuz i can get long-winded...)