Tuesday, January 24, 2006

deuce big, hell below...

i was about to explode. my stomach was rumbling and my ass was clenched so tightly i was sure any shit coming from the cavern between my asscheeks would be squeezed into a three carat diamond before it hit the water. i had been sitting in the same spot for ten minutes trying to figure out my plan of action. i had to get to the bathroom on the ground floor which was three floors down. it woud take me ten seconds to get to the elevator door. if the elevator wasn't already on my floor it would be at least 30 seconds before it'd get there. from there, it'd take anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute for me to get from my floor to the ground floor and then an additional fifteen seconds to get to the bathroom. all in all, it could take anywhere from a minute thirty seconds to three minutes to get to the bathroom.

why not just go to the bathroom on my floor you ask? because that bathroom was frequented by way too many females and what i had to do right then had to be done in private because it was gonna be noisy and nasty and stinky.

shit.shit.shit. that laxative i had taken the day before said it would kick in in enough time for me to drop the load before work. however, when i woke up that morning, i felt nothing. i even called in to work to tell them i was gonna be a little late, cuz i was trying to wait it out. eventually i figured the laxative wasn't gonna work, so i headed to work.

i worked for a couple of hours with no thought as to the possible disaster looming on the horizon, so when it hit, i was shocked into painful awareness. it wasn't one of those things where you feel it creeping up and you can prepare yourself for the moment. no, it was one of those things where one minute you're writing a presentation for a meeting to take place in an hour and the next thing you know, you start farting like you're part of the famu marching 100's tuba section doing 'old happy day', right before your stomach cramps up into a painful knot and you feel your colon about to erupt like mount st. bowelen.

so i'm sitting in my chair, back erect, legs pinned together tightly, ass clenched as i breathed in slowly trying to calm my bowels down. i had the candle burning in my office after ten minutes of my bowels telling me "it's coming, so you betta find somewhere to bow down." i couldn't close my office door so the smell was creeping down the hallway. the candle was helping a little, but then it only made the place smell like cherry-scented shit.

my stomach rolled one more time and then i realized i was gonna blow in my pants if i didn't get out of there immediately. i dashed from my office and ran to the elevator where i violently smacked at the down button, my body bent over, my arm curved tightly over my stomach. when it didn't open instantaneously, i knew then i wasn't gonna make it to the ground floor. i turned quickly and ran across the hallway to the bathroom on my floor. slamming back the door, i ran for the stall furthermost from the door. i hadn't even gotten the door to the stall latched before my stomach started rolling again and i could feel the tide making it's way to my ass. i frantically started grabbing for my pants, fumbling with the buttons as i jumped from one foot to the other while trying to shimmy my ass out of the pants. the buttons undone, i grabbed as much cloth as i could in both hands and shoved everything down, pants and panties, then plopped quickly onto the commode.


and yes, it was loud. and nasty. and stinky.

and someone was walking into the bathroom just as the first eruption occurred. SHIT.SHIT.SHIT.

i siezed up tightly, trying to stop the eruption during mid-flow, reached quickly behind me and pushed down the flusher. as the noise of the toilet echoed through the bathroom, i let go again, hoping the sounds would be camouflaged by the whish of whirling water. unfortunately, the toilets on my job are quick-flushing, which means it only takes them five seconds to get the biz down the drain before coming to a silent hault. so of course when the toilet's done making its noise, i was still blowing chunks and it was sounding like a symphony of horns, the cascading notes vibrating off of the bathroom walls. i just kept shitting and flushing and shitting and flushing until my ass felt like it had just belted out miles davis' 'birth of the cool' album. then there was silence as i sat crumpled on the throne, my hand pinching my nose at the smell that was now cloaking the bathroom like nuclear fallout.

"ahem..." a nasally voice came from outside of the stall, "uh, are you alright in there?"

oh HELL nah! somebody actually braved the volcanic eruption? what was she, some kind of freak who got off on people taking a shit? it was bad enough i got caught out there at work, but to get caught out there while someone stood by and witnessed it....DAMN.

i didn't respond immediately, unsure really of what i should say. i mean, this ain't the kind of moment they teach you about in etiquette books. there is nothing written down to address the 'taking a blowout shit while your co-worker watches and listens to it in alarm' moment. i contemplated remaining silent and hoping she would just disappear like the last remnants of my dignity.

she didn't.

i could hear her just standing there, waiting for me to respond. i sighed heavily.

"i'm alright," i answered, trying to sound nonchalant about it, "just some bad breakfast, that's all."

she hesitated before speaking.

"do you want me to tell dan you're on a break?"

if she knows who my boss is, she knows who i am. SHIT. i sighed again.

"yes," i said, "tell him i'll be back in about twenty minutes."

"okay. just let me know if you need anything."

then i heard her leave.

i slouched on the throne, my head held down while i contemplated my embarrassing moment. then i realized i was still sitting on the toilet and anybody could step into the bathroom at any moment. i quickly did the thorough hygiene thing, pulled up the clothes, buttoned my pants, then stepped from the stall. i washed my hands, dried them, then headed to the door. opening it, i walked into the hallway and walked quickly back to my office.

then i grabbed a black marker and a sheet of paper. on the paper i wrote in large letters:


i got some tape and ran back to the door of the bathroom where i put the sign up, then i hustled back to my office.

i figured the bathroom needed about ten minutes to air out. it was the least i could do.