Monday, December 05, 2005

masturbation - the dirty word

i pleasure myself. i stroke my kitty. i finger my vagina. i kiss my titties. i stick a battery-powered dildo in my twat.

in other words, i masturbate.

so what?

why is this seen as such a dirty thing? we're talking about one of the best things that ever happened to a person's vagina or penis. masturbation is almost perfect sex. at the very least it guarantees you're gonna get yours cuz for once, you're not dealing with a selfish lover. think about it...have you ever denied yourself the splendor of an orgasm because you fell asleep or you didn't know exactly where to put your hand to get yourself off? wait a sec...i do remember falling asleep on myself once, but that was cuz i was more tired than horny and although i started with enthusiasm, i woke up to find my finger still sitting on my clit, but that's another tale...

so really, what's the big deal about masturbation? i find it extremely sexy to watch a man masturbate. shit, it takes the work off of my hands. all i gotta do is lay there and watch him. i don't have to worry about getting cramps in my neck or lips or hands. meanwhile, i've only had one boyfriend let me watch him. all of the other men i've dated looked at me like i was insane when i asked them to masturbate in front of me. it's like i was asking them to pluck out their pubic hairs or something.

folks don't want to admit they masturbate. i think it's because to admit to masturbating means to admit you're not getting enough sex to fulfill your sexual needs. i think that's bullshit. there are plenty of folk who have satisfying sex all of the time and they still masturbate.

then there are the folks who don't want to admit to masturbating because of religious reasons. i have no response to that other than to say masturbating is the safest sex out there (unless you've got cooties on your hands).

i asked a previous boyfriend why he wouldn't masturbate in front of me. he told me it was because the act was personal. he said he was uncomfortable with the idea of me watching him stroke himself because i'd be able to see him at his most vulnerable moment.

the thing is, masturbation can be a powerful tool used to teach your lover how to make love to you correctly.

guys, you can see exactly where and how she places her finger on her vagina, the pressure she uses, the kind of strokes she employs on her clit, even how much friction is necessary in order for her to have an orgasm. you can find out all the secrets to her body just by watching where she places her hands because who knows better than her what gets her off?

and for that matter, you guys should really let the sistas check you out when you yank the monkey. sure, sistas know it really doesn't take much for you to have an orgasm while having intercourse, but we could learn how to give you the perfect blowjob by watching you masturbate. we can see where all of the sensitive spots to your penis are, how much pressure to place on those spots with our tongues, whether or not we're wasting our time by venturing to the scrotum (some guys aren't pressed with scrotum-fondling) and best of all, we can be there to swallow when you're ready to shoot.

i have actually used this argument many times to justify me watching a brotha masturbate. all of them except one still said no. as for the one who said yes...i still have fond memories of those moments and i'll be writing about that in the poetry blog (i don't want to get too explicit here, but i'm grinning my ass off thinking about it.)

masturbating isn't a bad thing. doing it in front of someone isn't a bad thing (unless that person is a stranger or a child, in which case, you're a perv of the worst sort). i say we designate december as masturbation month and commit to doing so at least once a week for four weeks. think of all the stress you can release in the process! when you find yourself at a party where you've just been told by at least two relatives that you've gained weight, quietly excuse yourself, head to the nearest bathroom, and handle yours. you'll be much more agreeable and willing to accept veiled insults with a satisfied smile on your face.

so take your pleasure into your own hands, folks! masturbate, and be proud of it! yank your monkey! jerk your turkey! slap the dog! tickle the clit! smack the lips! whatever you call it, just do it!

oh, and don't forget to let your lover check you out every now and again. that makes for a win-win situation.