Monday, December 19, 2005


aiight, so the colts lost this weekend. i'm disappointed, because they had a chance to make history. a black coach had a chance to be the only coach since shula in '72 to lead his team to an undefeated season, but they lost, so it's done. that's not why i'm pissed right now, though.

i'm pissed cuz there are a bunch of old-assed ex-football playing has beens who can only get their dicks up after the last undefeated team of the season has gone down in flames. who are these guys?

why, the 1972 dolphins, of course! remember them? of course not! the only time they're even worth mentioning is when a team is still undefeated late into the season. otherwise, mercury morris and the rest of his cronies are only known as the former dope fiend and his cronies.

i find it necessary to aim this rant at the 72 dolphins directly. i will speak loudly, as i'm sure their hearing ability has diminished...

it's THIRTY-THREE FUCKING YEARS LATER, guys. there are GROWN ASS ADULTS out in the world who weren't even a skeet in their momma's cooch when you went undefeated! i'm not trying to diminish your accomplishment, but let's get real here. no team is gonna go undefeated ever again the nfl. why?

because when you guys went undefeated, you didn't have to worry about whether or not your star players would enter free agency at the end of the season. you didn't have to contend with salary-cap restrictions or bitchy agents or primadonna stars other than joe namath. you didn't have defensive linemen weighing as much as the entire population of a country in africa coming at you with the intent of knocking the shit out of you and into your great-great grandkids fifty years from today. the largest player on your team ain't big enough to be the KICKER now. in fact, you were only a couple of years removed from an era when jim brown was swatting you guys off like flies while he ran his big black ass through you towards the end zone. oh, and you only played 14 games you pansies!

when you went undefeated, m.a.s.h. was a fucking PILOT, 'deepthroat' had just swallowed but had yet to spit it out, debbie was just giving blowjobs to guys in alabama and was nowhere NEAR dallas, the jeffersons were still living in the ghetto, and mlk had only been dead four years, so coretta could still remember what a dick in her twat actually felt like!

you guys used to be the playas who were getting all the nubile pussy tossed at you on the daily just cuz you were nfl players. when was the last time that happened to you? just cuz the nursery worker fed you with a clean spoon doesn't mean she's flirting with you! just cuz you paid less at the grocery store doesn't mean you getting the hook up because you're famous! no, you're getting the hook up cuz it's wednesday, which is senior citizens discount day!

why are you coming out to games with all of your bad luck and karma? why are you sitting on your brittle asses in the cold just so you can witness yet another team NOT go undefeated? why are you eating ramen noodles for a month so you can save up enough money to afford the plane ticket to these games?? why are your lives still revolved around something that happened over THIRTY DAMN YEARS AGO???

why are you still trying to be relevant? you're like the *jesse jackson of football teams, desperately seeking out new ways to make yourself important to today's public. do you realize just how sad you're looking right now? do you understand how totally and completely pathetic you're looking when you hobble onto the field as people applaud the fact you didn't fall over dead from the effort? (jesse, are you listening you bastid???)

stop calling in to sports shows to talk about how good your fucking team was and how no other team will ever be that good! you sound like an old toothless pimp with a scratchy crotch trying to convince a crackhead to give him some ass. we KNOW you WERE good. PAST TENSE FELLAS! meanwhile, if we stuck you on the field today, you could be bitch slapped by the water boy!


shit, get some fucking viagra and stop waiting for the last undefeated team to fall before you get your first hard-on of the year! your arthritic hand will thank you for it.

oh, and jesse...this means you, too.