Monday, October 09, 2006 ordered by aquababie

question: what's the worst extreme you been through for the sake of love? i mean something you normally wouldn't put up with for sake of affection/nookie/attention.


here's the backstory:

first day of reckoning
first day, part 2
first day, part 3
first day, part 4
first day, finale

well, the second day of reckoning was never written about although i have plans of telling that story too. in the meanwhile, he was my first real boyfriend and i loved him through elementary school and most of high school even though we broke up in elementary school.

so the worst i've done for the sake of love? i waited. i patterned my life in a way that i thought would make him want to be my boyfriend again, and this despite the fact i had boyfriends in high school. i thought my devotion would be enough for him to come back to me. i thought as long as i showed him i was willing to put him and his needs ahead of everyone else, he would want me again.

he was that secret i had tucked in my notebook, scribbled into the margins in whispers of my love for him. his initials were the ones i wrote next to mine, he was the one i worshipped with my prose.

and brotha never really gave me the time of day. we didn't go to the same high school until my junior year, but we lived in the same neighborhood, so i saw him often. he'd moved on to girls who were willing to kiss and more, and i was still a virgin who'd only experienced a handful of kisses.

i know i was young at that time, so i really shouldn't beat myself up about it. i know now i sought validation in his admiration of me. like, if he liked me, then i must be a good person, right? when i look back, i realize there were alot of times when i sought external approval in order to gain permission to approve of myself. that time when i 'fell in love' with this guy who was 'suffering' from his own insecurities as a result of an automobile accident that left him partially paralyzed. now this brotha was beautiful. i mean, i don't think i'd ever dated a guy that attractive up until then and we vibed on alot of levels. meanwhile, i was deathly afraid he'd leave me because he was so beautiful and appealing to women. i figured if i could get him to need me, he wouldn't leave me. i made myself available to him at all times, dropping whatever i was doing to cater to his needs. i think he loved what i did for him moreso than he loved me really and because i felt needed, i thought it was love. he needed me and he was broken, so i would be there to 'fix' him, although not completely. see, if he's completely fixed, then he'll leave me cuz he'll realize i'm not worthy of his near-perfection. no, i sought to make him dependent upon me, to make it seem as though only i had the answers for him. this way, he'd appreciate me more and never leave me. i would be this perfect girlfriend for him, always supportive of his endeavors, always offering an ear to listen, always affectionate when he needed it...kinda like a puppy...

in the meanwhile, i lost who i was because i was so busy fretting over him and fearing he'd leave me that i didn't realize my spirit had left me until months later when he left me anyway and my spirit wasn't there to console me. those were dark times, but necessary in that i was able to see my behavior for what it was...a desperate move based on my own inability to recognize and appreciate my own appeal.

i also realized that the love i wanted was the kind of love where we both evolved into better beings. what he and i had wasn't love at all. me catering to his every whim didn't allow him to grow and it stunted my own growth emotionally. love is about want, not need. i shouldn't need dude and he shouldn't need me. we should want to be together, period.

so i guess to bring it to a close...the worst i've done is wait...and sell my soul for what i thought would be the love that would validate my existence. in the end though, it also turned out to be the best thing i've done cuz i needed to walk that road to get here.