damn, this post turned into something else...

it's pretty dreary looking out there this morning. the drive to work this morning was damn near treacherous cuz atlanta folk equate rain with 'drive like i don't have no fucking sense', so i was dodging speeding vehicles and idiots swerving in and out of traffic like a kid zig-zagging away from the charging form of a grandmother holding a switch from a tree in her hand.

when i got in to the office, i was still simmering from a meeting that took place yesterday. diane, who from here on out will be referred to as 'that bitch who better never ever find herself alone in an alley with my ass cuz i will kill her without any remorse', decided to poke me with her knife...

dan: "so you have anything going on diane?"

the bitch: "as a matter of fact, yes."

she turns to me, lips dry and twisted, eyes soaked red with hatred...kinda like an inflamed, bitter cunt that'd gone years without good dick. shit, i could almost see the pubic hairs poking through the gap in her teeth.

the bitch: "i need a list of people i can call in case nikki isn't around. i mean, that week you were gone dan, people were interrupting me with their questions, questions i couldn't answer and nikki had disappeared. she was never in her office..."

dan made a quick glance in my direction and i'm sitting there like "what the fuck just happened?!? did this bitch actually try to check me in front of dan? did she actually just sit there and try to make it seem like when he was out of the office the triflin' token negro just fucking disappeared?"

i raised an eyebrow and said nothing. frankly, there was nothing to defend. i did nothing wrong. i mean, she's just a withered vagina looking to fuck me cuz she's threatened by me. i knew that, but it still pissed me the fuck off.

dan: "you're right. we do need a list of contact people in case linda or nikki isn't available."

i wasn't sure if he believed what the bitch said, but to make more of the situation than was warranted would raise suspicions, so i told them i'd put a list together and then the meeting was over.

mind you, folk...the bitch has been working at this spot for 25 years. i've been here six. if she doesn't know who the fuck to contact, it's cuz she don't want to know.

anyway, so this morning i was still simmering over her pettiness. the fact that it was raining didn't help matters, but things were about to change.

i sat down at my desk and pulled up my itunes. i put on one of my favorite playlists called 'easy listening'. the artists on this list include pho.ebe sno.w, pau.l mc.cartney, barr.y ma.nilow, and jim croce. i hadn't listened to these folk in a hot minute and for some reason, i was desperate to hear them right at that moment.

"my baby's out there...with his lantern...searching for a honest man
oh it's crisis time...stuck in the suburbs, dying on the vine...
he knows how to give me gifts from above...
he knows how to give me two-fisted love...

oh, help us mary jane, we are wandering out on this desert plain
we have no canteen, can the thirsty stay sane, after what they've seen?"

i think part of the reason i was lifted from the doldrums immediately is cuz i have heard that song a million times and STILL don't understand the damn lyrics. i mean, she says something about mary jane...is she talking about weed? and what's two-fisted love anyway? is it that 'she got both her hands fisted around cloth cuz the sex is so good she gotta hold on for dear life'? or is it 'she don't believe it's love unless she's getting punched in the mouf by a man using BOTH fists...using one fist only means he's infatuated...'?

for real though...the lyrics confound me, but the way she sings it always mellows me out. she sighs at the end of some of the words and i can't help but sigh right along with her. it's like a breathing exercise or something and afterwards i felt like a kitty who'd just had her tummy scratched. i admit, i purred.

and then the next song came on...

"oh yeah, yeah...oh yeah...
you make me laugh...cuz your eyes they light the night, they look right through me...
you bashful boy...you're hiding something sweet, please give it to me yeah...to me...
oh talk to me some more, you don't have to go...you're the poetry man, you make things alright..."

shiiit. tell me you haven't flirted with someone like that? tell me you've never been inspired to talk to someone like that cuz they bring all the beautiful things you never knew about yourself to the surface. i remember that feeling, the feeling of being beautiful in his eyes. like, he saw my spleen and thought to himself "that's the most beautiful spleen i've ever seen..."

now if you know the rest of the song, you know phoebe is flirting with a married man, but i digress...don't worry though, she sent that dude on his way back to his wife. one thing phoebe ain't is a damn homewrecker.

i skipped the next few tracks until i got to my boy jim...

"if i could save time in a bottle, the first thing that i'd like to do
is to save every day 'til eternity passes away, just to spend them with you
if i could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true
i would save everyday like a treasure, and then, again i would spend them with you
but there never seems to be enough time to do the things you wanna do once you find them
i've looked around enough to know that you're the one i wanna go through time with..."

what devotion. it sounds so good when you hear it being sung, but the reality of it is this dude is probably gonna end up stalking the chick. i mean really...EVERY moment? what person wants to spend EVERY moment with someone? when i take a shit, believe me when i tell you i'm not wanting anyone in there with me. they'd die from the toxic fumes anyway. the only way i'm able to survive 'em is cuz i've developed a tolerance to it over the years. i have evolved to the point where the smell of my feces cannot kill me, but i wouldn't put anyone else in danger by telling them "hey...i want to spend EVERY moment with you...come in here and talk to me while i 'drop the kids off at the pool'..."

still though, the sentiment is beautiful and anyway, how romantic is it for him to say "i've looked around enough to know that you're the one i wanna go through time with (excluding of course, that time when you're dropping brown puppies in the lake...)"

anyway, to make a long story shorter than the verbose shit it would have been had i continued with the rest of this story, i found my humor and good spirits in listening to this music. i am so grateful for music. it soothes the savage beast for REAL. i came in this office all crunchy and now i'm just chillin, and it's all because phoebe writes confusing lyrics and likes flirting with married men and jim is a stalker...

thank GOODNESS for human imperfections...makes life perfect.