Thursday, October 19, 2006

dung into soil where flowers grow

i was supposed to do this yesterday on gratitude wednesday but of course i have to buck tradition and do it today. i'm gonna put a twist on it and acknowledge all of the negative experiences in my life and explain my gratitude for them occuring...

thank you god, for taking away my father when i was four. i learned early on that the next day isn't promised to any of us and we have to make the most of what time we have and love without reservation those who matter the most to us.

thank you d for molesting me when i was seven. i learned how important it was to never trust a stranger. as an adult i became determined to protect young girls from men like you, to teach them to value themselves so that they never feel pressured to do something they don't want to do, to recognize their own self-worth.

thank you e & s for raping me when i was 18 & 19. i learned how to defend myself and became empowered as a result of your invasion upon my terrain. i also learned how to better assess a person's character based on the things they say and do.

thank you l for getting in jail and forcing an end to our relationship with your actions. there was no way we would have been happy together over the long haul and it took your behavior to make me see that.

thank you t for not coming back to school and forcing me to lose my apartment. i learned to be more compassionate about homeless people because sometimes situations are out of their control and their homelessness says nothing of their character, only bespeaks of the situation they're in. i also learned to never force myself into a relationship with someone else based solely on needing them.

thank you god for the unwanted pregnancy that i ended up aborting when i was 20. the pain i experienced with that loss has made me more appreciative of the life i create, made me acknowledge the importance of such a decision, and ultimately made me more choosy about the men i am intimate with. it also guaranteed i will never do it again.

thank you n for ending our friendship. we had grown apart and it was a necessary part of us growing up.

thank you god for the miscarriage in 1997. i learned to take better care of my body and to listen to it when it speaks to me. it also let me know i wasn't barren, which i had believed up until then. it also let me know that the brotha i was with at the time was truly a beautiful human being because despite his fear, he was there for me through it all. he reminded me that there are indeed good brothas in the world.

thank you god for me ending up homeless in 1998. i had to lose my home before i learned that i hadn't done enough to fight for it. up until then i assumed everything would be alright even if i didn't actively make it so. when i lost my home, i realized i was allowing life to have its way with me instead of the other way around. that situation made me acknowledge how my own actions play into the situations i find myself in. i learned about accountability.

thank you r for putting me through what you put me through. i would never have learned the difference between internet infatuation and real love, would never have realized just how lonely i was and vulnerable to any kind of attention, and would have continued to ignore the issues in my personal life and hope they would just disappear. in the aftermath i was able to explore the depths of my emotions, dissect them and view them closely, find my own strengths and weaknesses, and put the pieces back together into a stronger mold. i am in a happier and more empowered place for it.

so there you have it, people and situations that on the surface can be seen as negative happenings in my life, but it's all in how you choose to view them. i look below the surface and see the blessings they became because of how i chose to use the situations to make myself and my life better. i am who i am today as a result of all of this.

through all that shit a flower still blooms.

thank you god for the wisdom to see that although every situation might not be wrapped the way i want it to be, they're all gifts. it's all in how i choose to receive them and apply them to my life.