get off da clit, dick.

ever find yourself in a situation where you're trying to get rid of mothafuckas after they've fulfilled their purpose in your life? that guy you met at the club who immediately turned you off when he told you he was a redskins fan (YUCK) but he had all of his teeth so you gave him your number anyway? or that guy with poor bedside manners...you know, the one who thinks you should find the taste of sweaty balls coated with gritty dirt a tasty treat? what about the one you met months ago who you thought might have been 'the one' but now you realize he's 'the one to avoid'?

it'd be easy to get rid of these guys if they were smart enough to pick up on your signs of disinterest, i.e. calls made only from him to you. time wasted on the phone whispering with dead air and stupid conversations comprised of his insipid questions like "what's up?", "soooo...how's the weather?", "uh, what you doing?", followed by your sarcastic answers like "hopefully, your i.q.", "who cares? i don't live on the streets", "didn't i just answer that fucking question?"

or the one-sided im conversations where he talks and talks and talks and you read at first before you tune him out and straight up walk away from the computer to watch television, come back fifteen minutes later and see the mothafucka is still talking as though you'd never left. in fact, you could watch a movie online, put in an "uh huh", a "true" and a couple of "no doubt"s at various intervals and it's almost like you're an active participant in the conversation. almost.

goodness forbid you have a moment of weakness and find yourself actually fucking the person. you know it's happened to you before. you're sitting at home bored and horny and the booty call is either busy or non-existent and then the person you normally avoid at all costs is a welcome diversion to the ennui you're feeling. you start contemplating how you can fuck 'em and leave 'em with the least amount of drama. you say to yourself "he ain't half bad" despite the fact that his voice grates on your nerves, the conversation is so uninspired you think you could find more things to discuss with the pebble lodged in your shoe, and physically speaking, his body is about one tenth of what you're looking for. it doesn't matter, he's got the required erect member to get you off and that's the most important thing.

so you fuck him.

and now he won't go AWAY.

what do you do? what do you say?

i've got my own solutions for these situations. use 'em at your own risk.

scenario: you developed a blog crush on a guy early in the game but after months of talking to him online, you realize he's a very good writer but boring as hell otherwise. it's not his fault. he has no idea you've renamed him 'mr. blah man' in your mind. evidently on his side of the world, people value the ability to assault folk with a continuous cacophony of colorless consonants coupled with vacuous vowels forming entire paragraphs meant to motivate one towards committing suicide. he prides himself in his ability to hear himself talk without your occasional opinion interrupting the never-ending stream of his ingenious insight.

in other words, he thinks you're perfect for him so he continues to pursue. what are the surefire methods for ridding yourself of this guy (or at the very least, keeping the romantic notions out of his head)?

a. put him on "permanent offline" status on your yahoo. don't feel bad about this move. if he's monopolizing your online time and doesn't care about your desires, don't care about his feelings.

b. send him an email detailing to him exactly why you are no longer feeling him. use phrases like "it's not me, it's definitely you." or "back when i didn't know you well, i thought you were perfect for me. now that i know you better, i realize you're perfect for someone else." be sure to point out all of his flaws to him so that he's a shuddering mass of weeping male by the time you're finished with him.

c. stop visiting his blog. brotha got a sitemeter, so he'll figure it out.

d. tell him you're a man. this will not work if he's already met you offline...or if he's bisexual.

e. talk about another blogger dude you're digging on your blog. the key here is to be as gushy and mushy about it as possible. this particular maneuver will require you to fake the role of a woman in the throes of infatuation. it means making little comments that only your "other" man will understand, little inside jokes that let folk know you two talk outside of the blog. you could pick a really lonely and desperate male blogger to set your faux attentions on, but then you'll end up with yet another brotha you gotta get rid of. your best bet would be to make up a fictitious blogger. you will have to set up a separate account, but that's little work in the big picture. ultimately, you're gonna have to be both corny and childish to pull this one off. therefore, use this tactic only if you have no pride or maturity.

f. show him a friend girl's blog and be like "she's cute AND insightful. i bet you two have alot in common, too!" ya girl might not appreciate this move so expect retaliation, but as long as you get brotha offa your ass, do you really care?

scenario: you were just being friendly when you gave him your phone number, not wanting to embarrass him in front of his boys. meanwhile, he never really stood a chance of getting with you. was it the knock-off versace shirt of satin embracing his body like a toddler holding onto its momma's leg for dear life that made you think to yourself "maybe this ain't the guy for me..."? perhaps it was the conversation consisting of little more than tepid lines meant to have you tweaking your nipples in anticipation but instead got you ready to kick him in the crotch. lines like "i've got a car...and it runs. wanna touch the hood?" or "i love going downtown on a sista." let you know he's a loser right off the bat. he's already trying to get into your panties and you don't even know his yearly net wage.

and unfortunately you couldn't give him the wrong number because damnit, now folk be plugging the shit into their phones immediately before calling you to give you theirs. this is a slick move, cuz really he's making sure you gave him the right number. what could you have done to avoid this situation? what do you do if you're already caught up in it?

before he starts reaching for his phone, you have a number of options:

a. pick your nose and eat the booger, right there in his face. if he gets a chubby after that display, he's one sick bastid. only use this one if he's got ugly friends. otherwise, that cute guy staring at you from across the club is doing so cuz his boy told him you a nasty heffa.

b. tell him you have an aversion to giving blowjobs. explain in detail just how unappealing putting your lips on a dick would be, using the appropriate facial expressions to magnify your dislike for the task. again, use your discretion with this one.

c. tell him you're looking for someone to take care of you. use this one only if he's broke. broke brothas are looking for someone to take care of THEM so that automatically puts you out of the running.

d. pretend you don't know english. don't use spanish or french, cuz those are the popular languages and he might be fluent in one of them. use something obscure like russian or chinese. this might not be as convincing if you're black (cuz really, are there any black folk in russia or china?) but he might buy it if you have your girl with you to tell him the story of your parents being communists and having to flee to russia or china to escape persecution. you gotta be careful with this one, though. make sure you know who he came with so you won't get caught talking in fluent english to his friends.

if you haven't the talent to act out the above suggestions and find yourself exchanging numbers with the guy, don't fret. you've still got a few options:

a. set up a coded system on your phone. when you've received the cell number of a guy you will want to avoid in the future, name the entry "do not answer1". this can be used numerous times, just add a different number to the end. you can also get creative with it by using labels like "big-nosed bastid" or "desperate dude" or "no fucking way" or "stank breath". just make sure you use something that won't confuse you. i mean, if you like desperate dudes or guys with huge honkers you don't want to use those as labels for someone you want to avoid.

b. hide the cell phone in the purse and turn the ringer off. then tell him you don't believe in technology cuz it just makes you more vulnerable to the machinations of 'the man'. this one works well if you've got 'locs cuz you're already putting out that 'revolutionary sista' vibe. if your appearance is too manicured, this won't work cuz he'll know you're high maintenance and therefore, a cell phone to you is a necessity. if you simply must be coifed, don't match your accessories and you might be able to get away with it.

c. give him a very, very specific time to call. tell him some shit like "i'm only available on the second thursday of every other month between the hours of 9 p.m. and 10 p.m." if he asks why your availability is so limited, tell him your psychic healer told you those are the only times you can talk on the phone, otherwise you risk being struck down by goddess delilah. he'll be deleting your number from his phone before you finish the sentence.

d. when he leans over to check your phone display to see if his number 'took' make sure you're displaying a photo of you surrounded by a bunch of kids. tell him they're all yours. keep the number of kids in the photo high but realistic, somewhere between four and seven. you have to make up names for all of them, so be prepared. if you have no access to that many kids at one time, go to the local boys and girls club and volunteer some time. in exchange you can have a photo taken with you and the kids. to be fair, you shouldn't request the photo until you've put in at least ten hours of service there. otherwise they'll think you like to get freaky with the kids and then you might find yourself being arrested. oh, and make sure the kids all look very different from each other but are of the same color. you want it to appear like you've got more than one baby's daddy but he'll become immediately suspicious if he sees an asian kid in the mix cuz we all know asian men ain't getting with the sistas.

scenario: you are not attracted to him and in fact you know you'll have to fantasize about someone else just to keep yourself wet enough to finish the deed without chafing the coochie. however, your dildo is on the fritz and he doesn't have a disagreeable body odor (for the most part) so you figure you'll give him a little just to knock off some of the itch. so you do and now he won't stop calling you cuz despite the fact your effort was lukewarm, he hadn't had quality pussy in a long time (if ever). see, you gave him some of that sunshine pussy, the kind that'll have him telling you the truth outside of the bedroom, so he open. meanwhile, you gotta find a way to tell him you don't want to see him anymore. this is a tricky situation because even though you want to say 'never again', you know you might find yourself in desperate straits sometime in the future, so you can't cut him off completely. you just want to keep him on a long leash, one that won't allow for the scent of your sex to go wafting through his nostrils, reminding him of his need to stalk you daily, but strong enough for you to be able to snap him back to your side if the need ever arises. how do you get him to 'play dead' until you need him to be a 'live one' in the bed? here's are some options:

a. have the sex at his house, but not in his bed. if it's in his bed then he might think you think the moment's special when it's really just an exercise in the release of sexual frustration. by having it at his house you have the freedom to bounce whenever you're ready. if he's at your house he might try to bogart his way into some extra time and then you're stuck there trying to find a nice way to kick his ass out.

you can also have sex in your parent's house. this way you can act like they're gonna be home at any minute so he gotta hurry up and finish. Important note: make sure you've gotten yours by the time he's done, otherwise you defeat the whole purpose of having sex with him.

sidebar: yeah, yeah...i know there are alot of you guys saying to yourselves "shit, i wouldn't mind being used like that!" meanwhile, you're the same cat lamenting on your blog about how the sista just dipped on your ass after you did "x" and "y" for her. admit it. you don't like being played, even if it is for sex.

b. afterwards, tell him you're moving to another state. keep in mind this only works if you two don't frequent the same spots. it might require you get an out of town phone number but with cell plans these days you won't have to pay long distance fees.

c. have one of your other guy friends pose as a crazy ex-boyfriend. he might be required to call the unwanted dude and cuss him out over the phone or slash a tire or two. you will need to do some pre-planning for this one because the performance is only believable if the guy friend believes someone is messing with his property. therefore, you will need to flirt a little strongly with the guy friend for about a month prior to when you will need his services, getting him to believe he might actually have a chance at the pussy. then you tell said friend that someone else is trying to push up. tell him the only way the guy will understand is if guy friend acts a little crazy. if he hasn't had any ass in a long time, it won't take much encouraging for him to get 'tyson-like' on a mofo.

scenario: brotha tells you he's a redskins fan and you're diehard cowboys fan. it's obvious he lacks intelligence so really, there's only one answer here...

KICK HIM TO THE CURB IMMEDIATELY WITH HIS INFERIOR TEAM LOVIN' ASS.

i encourage you be rude with it. if he's thick-skulled enough to remain a redskins fan after witnessing decades of their continued mediocrity, then you gonna have to smack him up beside the head for him to receive the rejection. your purse or a shoe are perfect tools you can use to accomplish this.
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now it goes without saying that all of these scenarios can be avoided by simply being honest with the guy. you could find a way to spare his feelings while also stating firmly that you're not interested in him. meanwhile, that's boring shit. why tell the truth and be direct with him when you can lie and be sneaky about it? leave the truth-telling to the animals. we evolved human beings are way too sophisticated not to lie.

what would you do? let me know how you'd handle these situations.