Monday, May 22, 2006

just tell it, mothafucka.

how many times have you been faced with a person who is too afraid to tell it? this is an epidemic, especially on the internet.

think about all of the times you've had folk send you a photo of themselves, using phrases like:

'larger than life'
'uh, about 5' real inches'
'ten inches of long and strong dong'
'alot of woman'
'i'm not all that short'
'i'm not all that fat'
'i'm not all that (insert whatever they wanna downplay)'

then you meet 'em and it's like "not only are you really that short, you're also really that fat and really that unattractive and your dick is small and you've got bad breath." (not that there's anything wrong with that...for someone ELSE.)

well you know what?? i'm tired of you not being 'all that'. i want you to tell me how you really feel, how you really look, how you really are.

oh, you want me to go first? aiight.

i'm 5'6 barefooted, 5'7 with flats, between 5'8 and 5'10 with heels.
i'm considered one of those 'thick sistas' which is code for "one biscuit away from being an obese bitch".
yes i'm 'shapely'. sometimes like figure eight but mostly like pear.
i wear 38dd bra and no, victoria secrets don't make sexy bras for my tig ole biddies.
my breasts are perky when i'm laying down and gravity-challenged when i'm not.
my ass is not smooth like those women you see in the magazines. it's a huge and round mountain with cellulite deposits in it and no, victoria secrets don't make sexy panties for my big ass, either.
this means that more times than not, i'm wearing some big white cotton underwear, code word "granny panties."
my stomach is flat for my size but it ain't completely flat. there is a layer of fat there but for some reason it's smooth and doesn't spill over my waistline. then there are the big titties that make it look even smaller.
my waist is small for my size but it ain't as small as that of skinnier women. there is a tire of fat there that's good for holding onto if you're fucking me and my body is good for keeping a brotha warm in the winter.
it's also good for keeping a brotha hot in the summer, so you might not want to be all up on me spooning and shit between the months of june and september.
i've got nice legs but i've seen nicer. not me dissing mine, just stating fact.
my feet are huge and they get ashy and i don't get pedicures that often.
i have astigmatism, which means i'm damn near blind.
i have attention deficit disorder, which means i'm damn near brilliant.
if we were to have kids, expect a bunch of blind, brilliant, sarcastically fantastic athletes with a healthy dislike for bullshit to spring from these loins.
sometimes i have bad breath even if i haven't eaten garlic.
i fart. in bed. out of bed. sometimes in your mouth by mistake.
i take a shit at least once a day. it's quick and painless and i do it with the bathroom door open at times.
i wash my ass once a day. in the morning. this means if we fucking at night, do not expect me to take a shower beforehand unless i'm really stinking.
my menstrual cycle lasts six days. this is six days of hell for anybody within my reach.
i wear dreadlocks.
my glasses look a little askew on my face.
i have big lips. both sets.
meanwhile, one of my coochie lips is larger than the other.
my clit does not respond well to direct pressure. you gotta finesse it, but don't be too hesitant about it or else the clit will not spit.
my twat does not respond well to short, skinny dicks. if you've got one of those, stay away from me.
i can do short dicks as long as they're thick.
i can do long dicks as long as they're thick.
i can do thick dicks as long as they know how to stroke.
please note this pattern.
i love to suck dick but please do not assume because i love doing it that i'm sucking yours.
i am not a timid lover. i am aggressive when necessary and demure when told to be.
i get easily bored when sex is uninspiring.
i love to laugh during sex because it's supposed to be a sharing of passion, not a taking of it.
i am not cruel or malicious. do not confuse my candidness with either of those terms.
i've slept with a woman before and it wasn't a bad experience.
no, i won't be repeating it...unless it's angelina jolie.

so there...i've told most of it. i can't think of anything else so i'll just stop here. meanwhile, if you have questions, ask and i'll answer.