Monday, May 08, 2006

it ain't cheating if you don't get caught...

aiight, before you go thinking i'm talking about cheating, ala 'fucking around', let me clarify.

i was playing spades with some friends this weekend. now it goes without saying i'm a damn good spades player. i mean, i DID attend famu, which is the spades playing capital of uh, tallahassee, florida...

so anyway, my partner aries man and i were behind in the game and i'd just been dealt the worst hand ever known to man. well actually, it wasn't the worst because i had some spades...all low and a total of about three. in other words, if i squeaked out a book it would be the equivalent of a flea shitting out mount everest. aries man looked at me, a sad color to his eyes, which let me know he ain't have a damn thing in his hand either.

"i can get you three and a possible," he said to me from across the table. i learned early on he likes to bluff. even if he doesn't have anything in his hand he'll bluff for the hell of it. if he bid three, that meant he had one.

so i had to make my three small spades work for me like i'd just given them hundred dollar bills and was waiting for a helluva lap dance.

"work that ass for me baby! work that ass! stick your scrotum right in my face, damnit! i wanna smell the pussy of the girl you fucked TWO MONTHS AGO!" (wait...we all know male exotic dancers are usually gay...)

"i wanna smell the ass of the guy you fucked TWO MONTHS AGO!" (wait...who wants to smell ass?)

"just do the damn thing and drop it like it's hot!!!"

anyway, we're into the hand and i've managed to squeak out a book with a queen who was riding on top of a jack, while the 'two' and 'nine' licked at her toes. she was my best bitch on the table at the moment and i pimped that ho for all she was worth.

after i'd gotten the one book, i stared at the paltry remains in my hand, trying to figure out how i was gonna get two more books just in case my partner didn't have 'em. i decided it was time to cut a suit...

so i did.

no, i wasn't out of that suit. yes, that's not how the game is played, but it's called STRATEGY. after i cut the diamonds the first time eyebrows lifted around me and folks got antsy. i think they figured they'd had the hands to set us with a near boston. uh, they could have...if not for my STRATEGY.

i cut twice, then sent the books to my partner, who had gotten two somehow through the grace of god (actually, it was the ace and king of hearts, but god had something to do with it...)

at the end of the game i started flushing out all of my diamonds. as the last diamond escaped my hand, one of my opponents called me out for it.

"hold up!" he exclaimed, "you were cutting diamonds!"

"no i wasn't..." i replied smoothly, "i was cutting hearts!"

"you know damn well you were cutting diamonds!" then he proceeded to flip over the book i had in front of me.

the one with that bad ass queen of hearts on top.

"i played this heffa on the first go round of the suit. that should have clued you in to the fact i was out," i said with a smirk as i stared his ass down and dared him to refute me, "oh, and you know that once you flip the book over and it doesn't prove i've reneged, you gotta hand over some books, right?"

he started cussing up a storm. i deftly reached over and grabbed just enough of his books so that he and his partner were set.

aries man just grinned widely and winked at me. i winked, then leaned back into my chair and we finished out the hand. we went on to win the game, but it was mad close. in other words, if not for my STRATEGY, we probably would have lost.

"you're a sneaky something, aren't you?" aries asked much later as we headed to our cars. he was looking at me speculatively.

"sneaky?," i answered with wide-eyed innocence, "who, me???"

he chuckled.

"that wasn't sneaky, luv." i whispered conspiratorily, "that was STRATEGY..."

it was, wasn't it? do you subscribe to the notion that as long as you get what you want in the end and no one finds out, it's not cheating?