Monday, April 30, 2007

nikki vs. the wasp

dear invader,

how you gonna roll up on my spot like this and try to take over shit? here i was minding my own business, chilling with my folk, doing what we do, when you push up and claim what ain't even yours. do you know how long i've been here? much longer than you, believe that. i tried to be nice about it, allowing you your space and only coming around when it was necessary, but ya greedy ass just couldn't let shit be, could you? really, i could have made shit miserable for you from jump, but i took pity on you cuz you were black and already had enough issues. and what do i get for my generosity? you fucking up my spot, that's what! you couldn't just stick to your side of the balcony. you had to lay claim to the entire space like the greedy bitch you are. just like you fucking imperialistic americans, trying to force folk out under the guise of being altruistic. and you're SUCH a hypocrite! i hear you ranting about countries invading africa and taking over their shit and here you go doing the same damn thing. now i know how you black people feel!

when i came home yesterday and realized you had made it impossible for me to even enter my own spot, i knew the time for niceties was officially over. you are now considered my enemy. i WANT you to step foot outside onto the balcony. me and my fam will be FUCKING YOU UP. i see you looking at us from the kitchen, wondering if we're gone. i'm here to tell you we ain't going NOWHERE. i was here when you got here and i'll be here when you leave, BELIEVE THAT.

so take your fat human ass back to wherever you came from. better yet, risk that ass by stepping outside into MY territory. yeah, i said it...MY TERRITORY. i bet you won't do it though, cuz you're a punk.

it's ON. BRING IT.

not so sincerely,

the wasp

p.s. btw, i got someone watching the front door too, so you best run to your little vehicle if you wanna avoid my boy getting all up in that ass. he ain't nearly as nice as i am.

oh no the fuck he DIDN'T...

dear wasp

dude, i'm paying a MORTGAGE here. this ain't no fucking homeless shelter. if you wanna stay here, you gonna have to put down some money, or at the very least, handle a few of the utility bills. i probably should have given you that option, but frankly, i didn't think it would be necessary for me to be negotiating terms with a fucking INSECT. i was cool with letting you and your folk be, but you had to get cocky. my mom stopped through this weekend and a few of your family members decided to scare the shit out of her by constantly flying into her face. your folk should have been smarter than to aggravate my mom and think i wouldn't retaliate. don't get it twisted, dude. just cuz i haven't attacked before now doesn't mean you can just do what the fuck you please. and where do you get off insulting me by calling me an imperialist? never mind the fact that you mothafuckas just pop up anywhere you damn well please, plopping ya asses down anywhere you land like a bunch of squatter bums, not caring a wit if you inconvenience anybody else.

and i KNOW you didn't just sit there and compare what you think i'm doing to what's going on in africa. for real dude, i'm so sick and tired of folk acting like they're going through the same shit black folk are going through. if anything, YOU'RE great britain, rolling up into my home and taking my natural resources so you can make honey or whatever the fuck you wasps make. you're like the houseguests from hell, always showing up unannounced, using all my shit, and overstaying your welcome. well i ain't having it. you can threaten me all you want, but remember this...we humans have technology on our side while all you've got is a stinger.

you think you can fuck me up, do you? i got a spray can full of 'kick a wasp's ass' that says differently. i suggest you take your triffling folk and find yourself a new spot to squat in. or, if you truly believe in your own greatness, stick around and see who'll be the victor at the end. i'll just say this though...i will happily choke the SHIT outta you if i have to.

so BRING IT, playa.

sincerely awaiting killing all you mothafuckas,


p.s. and tell ya boy i got something for his ass, too.

Friday, April 27, 2007

crotchless panties


it's time...

i've put the dirty deed off long enough.

i was ready to squeeze one more week out of them, but it's become painfully obvious i can no longer wait.

it started this morning when i reached down to scratch my pubic area. it was itching as the pubic area is wont to do and i quickly sought to end the discomfort, so i reached under my miniskirt with the intent on scratching hard to compensate for the cotton covering the area.

imagine my surprise when instead of scratching through cotton my fingers came into immediate contact with short, coarse hair. for a minute there i wasn't even paying attention. it wasn't until i attempted to pull my hand from beneath my skirt and snagged one of my unmanicured fingernails in the hair on my crotch that i realized there was no cotton there. incredulous, i lifted my skirt and looked down to make sure i had on underwear (uh, sometimes mornings can be hectic...)

i had on underwear alright, or what was left of a pair of undies i'm sure i'd owned since college. the cotton dangled despondently like cheap lace from the edges of a gaping hole that framed my vagina like a cunt cameo. SHIT. when i'd grabbed them from the shelf this morning they looked wearable...a bit gray and threadbare but wearable. now, as i sit here at my desk i realize just how tattered they really are. the elastic is drooping like drunken lips around my waist, slovenly hugging my hips like an inebriated lover groping for me in the dark. there are other smaller holes everywhere along with a faded bruise 'the crimson bitch' left from one of her visits sometime during clinton's first administration.

not a good look.

time to toss these panties in the trash.

but i need help, because i just can't seem to part with THESE panties. it's like if i throw them away somewhere an angel loses her wings or a bag of puppies is tossed into a lake. on the days i know i'm wearing them, i pray i'm not in an accident or collapse in public so i won't have to show my rag-covered ass to the masses. i've put them to the side numerous times, mentally making note to toss these bad boys out.

so why can't i get RID of them?!?

maybe i've got some kind of attachment issues. maybe this is my version of the security blanket. maybe i wanna fool myself into believing my ass is still the same size it was when i was in college (while completely overlooking the fact that the material is so stretched out i could wrap my couch in it).

or maybe, deep down inside, i'm using them as a weapon against bad dick. i mean, the power of these panties to shrivel a dick is a sigh to behold. it's like watching a person crumble to the ground after being shot in the chest.

either way, something's got to give. any suggestions?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

thankful thursday

i am thankful for:

both breath and death...breath because i still have it, death because it rescued granny from pain

a morning rain which meant i didn't have to wash my car

the seconds embedded in silence like diamonds in velvet, precious in their rarity

the yearning reminding me i'm still a woman with wants, even if at times that wanting haunts me

the moments when my thoughts can skip unfettered through a mental meadow not yet manicured by grief

unexpected laughter taking root in sad soil

miles traveling through me on trumpet toes, unlocking me with piano keys

the restlessness shaking the stagnant branches from the tree of me

a knew day where i don't forget myself

no-ing when yes means internal damage

the courage to wake up and get out of bed

a gray day and damp land and the worn out cliche' "take pen in hand"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ask nikki, pt 4

Dear Nikki,

I have a best male friend who is embarking on a "new" book situation, he is such the gentleman, such the constant source of support, such the end all, be all. The problem is, I think I've fallen in love with him and I'm definitely too afraid to tell him, don't want to risk losing the friendship in the process. What should I do, please advise...

hmmm...when i think on it, the answer is simple, really. all you have to do is ask yourself a few questions...

1. are you absolutely sure he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (or at the very least, willing to try it)?

i've got male friends of my own and at one time thought i was in love with one of them because he and i vibed on so many levels. turns out he was the safest route for me because he didn't inspire passion, didn't raise emotions within me that left me feeling out of control. we hardly ever argued, so everyone (including us) figured it made sense for us to get together. he was that nice safe friend who never demanded more of me and i thought i was cool with that. eventually i found myself unfufilled. i realized later i chose him for the wrong reasons because i didn't know myself well enough at the time to recognize he really wasn't what i wanted.

in other words, just cuz the brotha is a good brotha doesn't make him the right brotha.

2. are you ready for a serious commitment?

it's one thing to want it, another thing entirely to be ready for it. is he the cat you see completing you or the cat you see complimenting your life? hopefully your life is fulfilling on its own merits and having a guy in it would only enhance it, not be the reason for it. if this friendship is as cherished as you say, then you have to truly examine where you are in your life because the decision made here could change your life for better or for worse.

3. are you willing to accept the consequences of approaching him romantically?

in other words, if you tell him you're in love with him and he tells you he doesn't feel the same or he does feel the same and you two embark on a relationship that ends, are you okay with it? will you be aiight with the friendship possibly changing for the worse if you tell him how you feel? think about the worse case scenario and ask yourself if you'd be cool if that scenario actually happened. be real with it, too.

if you are convinced he's the guy you want to spend your life with, recognize he's a wanted addition to your life instead of an integral neccessity to it, and you're willing to accept the consequences of making a play for him, then i say go for it.

Dear Nikki,

I've developed an off and on friendship with someone that I met at work a couple of years ago. I say off and on because sometimes we don't see or talk to each other for weeks, even months. the minute we meet we become sexually involved. that's the kind of relationship that has developed. At times he looks at me and says "you really like me don't you". I fiqure this statement stems from the fact that we're sexually involved everytime we met. There's no explanation expected for the weeks or months that lapse in between. I would love to have more with this guy but know it's impossible due to his "situation". how do i break this unhealthy addiction?

ask yourself these questions:

1. how does being a part of this association make you feel? does your self-esteem suffer as a result of you being with this guy? i mean, you're not his woman, you're the 'other'. surely that can't make you feel good. also, don't falsely elevate your self-esteem because you think you're giving him something his woman can't because really what you're doing is allowing him to take something he doesn't deserve...your sense of self-worth. you're an active participant in an activity that makes you doubt yourself and your decision-making ability. you're giving him the power to make you feel that way by remaining at his beck and call.

2. how many times have you heard this story you're telling me from other women? what did you think about their situations when they told you? no doubt you probably thought to yourself "she's playing herself..." now of course it's different when one is actually in the situation instead of observing from afar, but that doesn't make the truth any less true, just makes a person less willing to accept it. are you okay with playing yourself, with allowing yourself to be treated in this manner?

3. why have you chosen to be this situation? there is something appealing about this situation or else you wouldn't be in it. i don't mean just the sex, i'm talking about emotionally. on some emotional level he's giving you something and you have to figure out what that is. do you like the idea of dealing with a man who is 'taken' because you see his inherent unavailability as a challenge or perhaps you like how he makes you feel desired?

4. what do you want? does this relationship as it is RIGHT NOW fulfill you on all of the necessary levels you desire to be content? many of us (me included) get caught up in the potential of a relationship, the 'what ifs'. meanwhile, if 'what ifs' were fifths of whiskey we'd all be dead from cirrhosis of the liver. bottom line is this situation could keep on for as long as you let it. if you want that, then aiight. if you don't, then you know what's up.

there is nothing wrong with a casual sexual relationship if both parties understand and accept it for what it is. however, if this association is adversely affecting your life, i.e. preventing you from becoming emotionally available to a possible mate or has you viewing yourself as some home-wrecking ho, then you know what to do. frankly, you're the only one who can break this addiction. recognize you made the choice to be in this situation. through that you gain the self-empowerment necessary to know you can make the choice to end it.

aiight folk...i'm sure i'm leaving some points out of here so i'd appreciate any additions to what i've said (or arguments against it if you really think you have a case. LOL)

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

dear nikki, pt 3

brittany had a series of related questions:

Dear Nikki,
what is it about getting married that you have to give up all of your great guy friends? is it bad that this friendship that has been lost for a while is almost more important than my marriage?

being married doesn't automatically mean giving up your great guy friends, but it totally depends on the kind of guy you married. some do not feel threatened by the idea of you having a male friend because they have platonic female friends. however, if a guy has female friends he's entertained screwing at one point or another (and still does from time to time) then he's not gonna be comfortable with the idea of his wife having a male friend because he's thinking that guy wants her. you sound very frustrated with this scenario and all i can say is that you know the person you're married to and knew going in he wouldn't be cool with you having a male friend, so the question becomes whether you prefer losing your husband's trust and security in your relationship with him for the friendship of a man who was at one time a very good friend, but ain't your man.

while it might be possible to change your husband's mind, you have to deal with the situation as it is right now and not contemplate what could be if only he'd change, because you married him based on who he is right now (or so i would assume). you knew he was a jealous man and by marrying him you are saying you're willing to accept his jealous nature and the limitations it places upon your relationships with others. having said this, it's important to establish what's a reasonable limitation to you. not having male friends is one thing. however, if he's jealous over your association with EVERYBODY then you have to wonder what is making him feel insecure about his relationship with you, because jealousy for the most part is based on insecurity.

aleviating that insecurity is the key to changing his mind (if it's possible). ask him what would make him feel the most secure about being with you. maybe more attentiveness, more time spent together or pampering him a little would do the trick. if, after you've done all you can to make him feel secure and he's still having issues of security, then you know his insecurity has more to do with his feelings about himself and you'll have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept that and what it means regarding your relationship with other folk in your life.

if in the end you think your friendship with that guy is more important than your relationship with your husband, then you've got some serious, SERIOUS thinking to do. recognize that by choosing the friendship your husband is gonna feel as though you've chosen another guy over him and that his wishes don't matter. bottom line is that it means jeopardizing your relationship with him.

so ask yourself: what are my priorities? if keeping your marriage is one of them, then that means severing the ties with the male friend.

Dear Nikki,

Everytime I finish peeing, I seem to get a bit on my hands while I'm wiping. Is it because I'm really not finished and I'm anxious to be done? Or is it because I'm actually peeing all over myself and therefore have some malfunction of my urethra?


Urine Won't Stop

Stiltwalker, Maine

this has happened to me before too! i think it depends on the time of day. in the morning for some reason my bladder releases urine in stages, so i have to sit there for a minute to let it finish. other times i know it's basically me rushing because i'm impatient with being on the toilet or i'm so tightly wound i can't pee straight. in your case you're probably so ready to bounce up offa that toilet you end up using your hand to wipe yourself because pulling from the toilet tissue dispenser requires too much time. hehehe

in the meanwhile, i would suggest becoming aquainted with the toilets you use. sit down and get comfortable. tune the world out and just savor the experience of clearing your bladder. don't worry about the other folk around you cuz they're there to do the same damn thing. this is one of the few private moments you get in your day. relax...relate...release. relax the muscles...relate to the moment of privacy...release that urine...oh, and then wipe that ass. LOL

once you're relaxed, your peeing might not be coming out so irratically. and you won't catch urine on your hand as you go to wipe.

if this doesn't work, it's aiight. you wash your hands anyway, so it's not like you'll be giving someone the urine handshake (unless it's deliberate).

Dear Nikki,

I have a best male friend who is embarking on a "new" book situation, he is such the gentleman, such the constant source of support, such the end all, be all. The problem is, I think I've fallen in love with him and I'm definitely too afraid to tell him, don't want to risk losing the friendship in the process. What should I do, please advise...

aww MAN...i'm gonna have to get to this one tomorrow cuz that answer could get complicated...

Monday, April 23, 2007

dear nikki, pt 2.

I need some help with my funky foul attitude when it comes to Black men with non-Black women. I find myself having to entertain the notion of accepting a non-Black mate, and I get more agitated by the day. I already know that love can be color blind (especially if you kidnap it and put a blindfold on its eyes). I don't want to be one of those bitter, lonely sistas, but I feel that fate in my horizon. I want to know how to look beyond my conditioning to see Black couples as the cornerstone for the community and embrace individual happiness.

i have to admit at times i get funky foul with it too and that's a challenge i'm determined to overcome. the bottom line is that we have to accept that when a black man doesn't date a black woman, he's not rejecting us personally. he made his choice based on personal criteria he has just as we do. i think if we recognize that, the idea of interracial dating won't be such a difficult pill to swallow. there is no denying that black on black love is woefully under-represented in the media and that lack of representation has a way of creating paranoia in those of us eager to see it. sure there are some black men out there who don't understand the value of the black woman in society. that's their problem. you wouldn't want to get with a cat like that anyway.

meanwhile, the cornerstone to the black community isn't black couples, it's black individuals. there are plenty of black folk who have married interracially who are still concerned with the challenges those in the black community face. also, many of those challenges aren't exclusive to the black community. things such as lack of resources, inadequate health care, subpar education, elevated crime levels...those things are problems faced by people living in underserved communities who aren't making alot of money, i.e. it's a class issue. therefore, it would behoove us to recognize this and embrace folk with similar struggles instead of just basing it all on race.

whether or not you become an embittered, lonely sista is completely up to you. you cannot allow what goes on around you to affect you negatively. people make their choices and you can't control them, but you DO control YOU. don't believe the hype...there are PLENTY of good brothas out there who are ready to be your mate for life. i think that's where some of that funky attitude comes from, this belief that all the good ones are being taken, and that's simply not true. focus on the important issues of what you seek in a mate and you might find that the love of your life might not even BE a black man.

Dear Nikki,
I am man-pretty and a lot of people I know have a hard time with this. I've tried to explain the difference between being man-pretty and being a pretty man, but most of them don't want to hear it. I don't make efforts to attain's something I was born with. How should I handle this situation?

stop trying to explain it to them. you're having a hard time with it cuz you expect them to 'get it'. you were born with the goods. i say exploit them for all they're worth. find you a woman who doesn't mind paying the bills of a guy who's a pretty man. milk that cow 'til she's squirting dust, dude, then move on to the next unwitting bovine.

Dear Nikki,
I have a checkered past and childhood issues. Should I tell my new boyfriend EVERYTHING? Or just the titillating parts?

how new is he? if the relationship is under three months old, definitely DON'T tell him what you're not comfortable with him not knowing. that first three months is basically folk jockeying for position anyway, so you're not really giving or getting the REAL deal. later, if you find your checkered past and childhood issues are negatively affecting the relationship, then it might be time to tell him what's going on, but that's only if you plan on doing something about it. just telling him and hoping he'll understand won't be enough. he might understand, but he'll expect you to make an effort to change so that those things no longer adversely affect the relationship.

if you're not negatively affected, but just want him to know cuz you think it'll bring you two closer, go for it. just recognize what kind of person you're dealing with before you divulge the info. i mean, is he the kind who holds stuff over your head? does he make jokes about people who have gone through similar experiences to yours? does he truly understand that you're not perfect? i remember when i told de ex about my one sexual encounter with a woman. he took it pretty well, but sometimes i get uncomfortable complimenting women because i wonder if he's thinking i want to sleep with them. that's my challenge, but i share that to let you know that the relationship may change after the telling, so be prepared for it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 fronting

thank you to everyone who sent emails, ecards, letters, phone and text messages my way over the last few weeks. all the words of encouragement, support, condolences, offers of a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, the prayers for my family and i...all of it was received and embraced. all of it has helped me to pull through what has been a time i can only describe as surreal.

you folk are truly wonderful, really.

i'm back in atlanta now after being in new york for the last week. i don't have anything to say right now. i'll be continuing with the 'dear nikki' stuff for sure. just want to get stuff together in my head. i hope all is well with you and yours.

i won't say go hug the person you love today. it seems like everybody who has a loved one die says that shit. not that it's not the right thing to say, but i figure you know what you doing. i'll just say this...ask yourself if your loved one(s) died today, would you be satisfied with the time you've spent with them or what you've shared with them? would you be satisfied with the relationship you have with them? would you know in your heart that you have no regrets, that you truly made an effort to make that relationship all it could be?

if you say yeah, then it's all good.

if you say no...then you know what to do.

Monday, April 09, 2007

she's gone...or not


she died.

or whatever the fuck people call it these days. transitioned, expired, passed on, transformed. SHIT. the only thing i knew at the time was that my granny wasn't HERE anymore.

i kept pinpricking my brain with memories, hoping some emotion would bleed through and yet praying i had enough strength to staunch the pain before it saturated my sanity. i'm not into self-mutilation, but this weekend i made an exercise of cutting myself with shards of regret. don't feel sorry for me though. i did it to lance the cancerous assumption i had that time twiddled it's thumbs and waited for me downstairs in the living room while i stood upstairs in front of my closet full of threadbare dreams trying to decide what i should wear.

yesterday i went outside and the sun shined just the same as it had the morning before. i admit a part of me thought it would have dimmed, absent of the light from my granny's smile after the mets win a game. i thought the air would be less sweet, absent of the smell of my granny's perfumed skin on a sunday morning before church. i thought the birds would chirp less cheerfully, absent of my granny's chuckles after i told her a corny joke.

instead, i witnessed the bright sun and knew she still smiled upon me

i breathed in the sweet air and knew she still held me at her bosom

i heard the birds chirping and knew she still spoke to me

so in the end, i've got her right where i need her most


Friday, April 06, 2007

dear nikki...the answers...

let me first say this was supposed to be one of those tongue in cheek posts. it wasn't until i realized the serious nature of the questions that i abandoned that idea and decided to answer your questions earnestly and to the best of my ability. i've decided to answer two questions a day so that i make sure i've given them the attention they deserve. it will also give you a chance to comment with your own advice if you want. aiight, on to the first two questions.

ladynay has the following dilemma:

Dear Nikki: I love my famil>y, I really do. Many of us are going out the country together which is a good thing for family bonding and what have you. The problem is I am not excited cuz I know I won't be able to go off and do my thing on my own without hurting someone's feelings. Nevermind the safety issue, My grandmom and them wouldn't have me going off by myself (a grown woman). So I guess my question do I break it down to the generations before me that I am old enough to be responsible. I am not going to do anything crazy, it may be just a sole walk on the beach that I crave.

as someone who has also had to deal with an overprotective family, i definitely feel where you're coming from. here is the strategy that worked for me:

point out how much of a wonderful job they did in raising you and how those efforts have made you into the mature, responsible woman you are today. if you have examples of past instances where you proved to be responsible, discuss them at this time. you can make it into a trip down memory lane.

then bring up the fact that by preventing you from doing your own thing they are questioning their faith in their raising of you as well as their faith that god watches over his folk. now that second part only works if some of the women are tight with their religion. provide them with an itinerary of what you're gonna be doing to let them know you're being responsible. if you'll have access to a cell phone, make sure they have the number. perhaps let them know how important it is for your own spirit that you take some time to explore on your own.

the key is getting them to understand that their overprotectiveness is a hinderance to your continued growth and that they have to have faith that they've given you the tools necessary to make the right decisions for yourself. recognize that despite all of this, they might still not want to let you go by yourself. if this happens, then you'll have to decide if sparing their feelings is more important than doing your own thing. if it isn't, then prepare to do battle, sista. just know that no matter what they say, sometimes being selfish is necessary for the soul, so don't let them try to turn it into a bad thing if you want to go off alone.

i hope this helps! good luck!

dilemma two comes from an anonymous poster:

Dear Nikki: I am so confused. I've been divorced for the last seven years and never really met anyone else that I can connect with. I've been through a couple of relationships/sexual encounters that didn't make me feel any better than I do myself. My dilemma is that from time to time I still see my ex who has been begging me for years to come back to him. Honestly, sometimes I feel like going back because everything else that I have experienced has been so meaningless. I know that I should follow my heart but I really don't know If going back would be a wise thing to do ( 7 years later). And yes I do remember the things that caused the break up. What should i do?

the first thing to do is to not allow your frustration with your current dating situation to influence your decision regarding your ex. it's hard out there no doubt, but you can be miserable all by yourself. if this is the only reason you're even considering getting back with your ex, then don't do it.

the second thing to do is to ask yourself this: if i get back with my ex as i am right now, will i find happiness with the man he was seven years ago?

i say this because if there were things about him back then that prevented the relationship from fulfilling you mentally, physically, and spiritually, you have to assume those things still remain. don't expect changes in him just because time has passed. also, consider who you are now verses who you were back then. have you changed? are your needs different now? realistically speaking, is he the cat who could fulfill your needs as they are today? if you answer no to that question, then you gotta tell him to stay away.

are you fine with revisiting the past hurts that exist as a result of your relationship with him? are you absent of bitterness and other negative feelings towards him? if you answer no to those question, then keep him out of your life because you want to move forward, not backward if by doing so means dwelling in the past and preventing personal growth.

there could be some unresolved issues regarding your relationship with him that is preventing you from connecting with others. figure out what they are. are you more distrustful, more emotionally remote as a result of your relationship with him? whatever it is, handle those issues before considering getting with ANYONE.

if you truly think that by getting back with him, you (as you are TODAY) will find the fulfillment you need to be happy, then go for it. the way i see it, there was a reason you two got together just as there was a reason you two broke up.

HOWEVER, be real with yourself before you make a move. ask yourself what is motivating you to consider him. don't do it if you feel you're doing it because you wanna repair what broke. sometimes relationships end without mending and that's just how it is.

man...that was a serious question. i hope i helped in some way. i will definitely be thinking about you and hoping you make the decision that works best for you.

aiight folk...anybody else wanna add to or counter what i said? you know i'm down with discussion.

Monday, April 02, 2007

dear nikki...

i was reading dear margo today, wondering how it is people get paid lots of money to give bad advice, when i came to the realization i could give away bad advice for free...

so here goes...your chance to ask me a question for any problem you need help with resolving. i will try to be as helpful with my answers as possible. post your questions in the comment section. i'll post my answers on friday.