Tuesday, April 24, 2007

dear nikki, pt 3

brittany had a series of related questions:

Dear Nikki,
what is it about getting married that you have to give up all of your great guy friends? is it bad that this friendship that has been lost for a while is almost more important than my marriage?

being married doesn't automatically mean giving up your great guy friends, but it totally depends on the kind of guy you married. some do not feel threatened by the idea of you having a male friend because they have platonic female friends. however, if a guy has female friends he's entertained screwing at one point or another (and still does from time to time) then he's not gonna be comfortable with the idea of his wife having a male friend because he's thinking that guy wants her. you sound very frustrated with this scenario and all i can say is that you know the person you're married to and knew going in he wouldn't be cool with you having a male friend, so the question becomes whether you prefer losing your husband's trust and security in your relationship with him for the friendship of a man who was at one time a very good friend, but ain't your man.

while it might be possible to change your husband's mind, you have to deal with the situation as it is right now and not contemplate what could be if only he'd change, because you married him based on who he is right now (or so i would assume). you knew he was a jealous man and by marrying him you are saying you're willing to accept his jealous nature and the limitations it places upon your relationships with others. having said this, it's important to establish what's a reasonable limitation to you. not having male friends is one thing. however, if he's jealous over your association with EVERYBODY then you have to wonder what is making him feel insecure about his relationship with you, because jealousy for the most part is based on insecurity.

aleviating that insecurity is the key to changing his mind (if it's possible). ask him what would make him feel the most secure about being with you. maybe more attentiveness, more time spent together or pampering him a little would do the trick. if, after you've done all you can to make him feel secure and he's still having issues of security, then you know his insecurity has more to do with his feelings about himself and you'll have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept that and what it means regarding your relationship with other folk in your life.

if in the end you think your friendship with that guy is more important than your relationship with your husband, then you've got some serious, SERIOUS thinking to do. recognize that by choosing the friendship your husband is gonna feel as though you've chosen another guy over him and that his wishes don't matter. bottom line is that it means jeopardizing your relationship with him.

so ask yourself: what are my priorities? if keeping your marriage is one of them, then that means severing the ties with the male friend.

Dear Nikki,

Everytime I finish peeing, I seem to get a bit on my hands while I'm wiping. Is it because I'm really not finished and I'm anxious to be done? Or is it because I'm actually peeing all over myself and therefore have some malfunction of my urethra?


Urine Won't Stop

Stiltwalker, Maine

this has happened to me before too! i think it depends on the time of day. in the morning for some reason my bladder releases urine in stages, so i have to sit there for a minute to let it finish. other times i know it's basically me rushing because i'm impatient with being on the toilet or i'm so tightly wound i can't pee straight. in your case you're probably so ready to bounce up offa that toilet you end up using your hand to wipe yourself because pulling from the toilet tissue dispenser requires too much time. hehehe

in the meanwhile, i would suggest becoming aquainted with the toilets you use. sit down and get comfortable. tune the world out and just savor the experience of clearing your bladder. don't worry about the other folk around you cuz they're there to do the same damn thing. this is one of the few private moments you get in your day. relax...relate...release. relax the muscles...relate to the moment of privacy...release that urine...oh, and then wipe that ass. LOL

once you're relaxed, your peeing might not be coming out so irratically. and you won't catch urine on your hand as you go to wipe.

if this doesn't work, it's aiight. you wash your hands anyway, so it's not like you'll be giving someone the urine handshake (unless it's deliberate).

Dear Nikki,

I have a best male friend who is embarking on a "new" book situation, he is such the gentleman, such the constant source of support, such the end all, be all. The problem is, I think I've fallen in love with him and I'm definitely too afraid to tell him, don't want to risk losing the friendship in the process. What should I do, please advise...

aww MAN...i'm gonna have to get to this one tomorrow cuz that answer could get complicated...