Monday, April 23, 2007

dear nikki, pt 2.

I need some help with my funky foul attitude when it comes to Black men with non-Black women. I find myself having to entertain the notion of accepting a non-Black mate, and I get more agitated by the day. I already know that love can be color blind (especially if you kidnap it and put a blindfold on its eyes). I don't want to be one of those bitter, lonely sistas, but I feel that fate in my horizon. I want to know how to look beyond my conditioning to see Black couples as the cornerstone for the community and embrace individual happiness.

i have to admit at times i get funky foul with it too and that's a challenge i'm determined to overcome. the bottom line is that we have to accept that when a black man doesn't date a black woman, he's not rejecting us personally. he made his choice based on personal criteria he has just as we do. i think if we recognize that, the idea of interracial dating won't be such a difficult pill to swallow. there is no denying that black on black love is woefully under-represented in the media and that lack of representation has a way of creating paranoia in those of us eager to see it. sure there are some black men out there who don't understand the value of the black woman in society. that's their problem. you wouldn't want to get with a cat like that anyway.

meanwhile, the cornerstone to the black community isn't black couples, it's black individuals. there are plenty of black folk who have married interracially who are still concerned with the challenges those in the black community face. also, many of those challenges aren't exclusive to the black community. things such as lack of resources, inadequate health care, subpar education, elevated crime levels...those things are problems faced by people living in underserved communities who aren't making alot of money, i.e. it's a class issue. therefore, it would behoove us to recognize this and embrace folk with similar struggles instead of just basing it all on race.

whether or not you become an embittered, lonely sista is completely up to you. you cannot allow what goes on around you to affect you negatively. people make their choices and you can't control them, but you DO control YOU. don't believe the hype...there are PLENTY of good brothas out there who are ready to be your mate for life. i think that's where some of that funky attitude comes from, this belief that all the good ones are being taken, and that's simply not true. focus on the important issues of what you seek in a mate and you might find that the love of your life might not even BE a black man.

Dear Nikki,
I am man-pretty and a lot of people I know have a hard time with this. I've tried to explain the difference between being man-pretty and being a pretty man, but most of them don't want to hear it. I don't make efforts to attain's something I was born with. How should I handle this situation?

stop trying to explain it to them. you're having a hard time with it cuz you expect them to 'get it'. you were born with the goods. i say exploit them for all they're worth. find you a woman who doesn't mind paying the bills of a guy who's a pretty man. milk that cow 'til she's squirting dust, dude, then move on to the next unwitting bovine.

Dear Nikki,
I have a checkered past and childhood issues. Should I tell my new boyfriend EVERYTHING? Or just the titillating parts?

how new is he? if the relationship is under three months old, definitely DON'T tell him what you're not comfortable with him not knowing. that first three months is basically folk jockeying for position anyway, so you're not really giving or getting the REAL deal. later, if you find your checkered past and childhood issues are negatively affecting the relationship, then it might be time to tell him what's going on, but that's only if you plan on doing something about it. just telling him and hoping he'll understand won't be enough. he might understand, but he'll expect you to make an effort to change so that those things no longer adversely affect the relationship.

if you're not negatively affected, but just want him to know cuz you think it'll bring you two closer, go for it. just recognize what kind of person you're dealing with before you divulge the info. i mean, is he the kind who holds stuff over your head? does he make jokes about people who have gone through similar experiences to yours? does he truly understand that you're not perfect? i remember when i told de ex about my one sexual encounter with a woman. he took it pretty well, but sometimes i get uncomfortable complimenting women because i wonder if he's thinking i want to sleep with them. that's my challenge, but i share that to let you know that the relationship may change after the telling, so be prepared for it.