Friday, April 06, 2007

dear nikki...the answers...

let me first say this was supposed to be one of those tongue in cheek posts. it wasn't until i realized the serious nature of the questions that i abandoned that idea and decided to answer your questions earnestly and to the best of my ability. i've decided to answer two questions a day so that i make sure i've given them the attention they deserve. it will also give you a chance to comment with your own advice if you want. aiight, on to the first two questions.

ladynay has the following dilemma:

Dear Nikki: I love my famil>y, I really do. Many of us are going out the country together which is a good thing for family bonding and what have you. The problem is I am not excited cuz I know I won't be able to go off and do my thing on my own without hurting someone's feelings. Nevermind the safety issue, My grandmom and them wouldn't have me going off by myself (a grown woman). So I guess my question do I break it down to the generations before me that I am old enough to be responsible. I am not going to do anything crazy, it may be just a sole walk on the beach that I crave.

as someone who has also had to deal with an overprotective family, i definitely feel where you're coming from. here is the strategy that worked for me:

point out how much of a wonderful job they did in raising you and how those efforts have made you into the mature, responsible woman you are today. if you have examples of past instances where you proved to be responsible, discuss them at this time. you can make it into a trip down memory lane.

then bring up the fact that by preventing you from doing your own thing they are questioning their faith in their raising of you as well as their faith that god watches over his folk. now that second part only works if some of the women are tight with their religion. provide them with an itinerary of what you're gonna be doing to let them know you're being responsible. if you'll have access to a cell phone, make sure they have the number. perhaps let them know how important it is for your own spirit that you take some time to explore on your own.

the key is getting them to understand that their overprotectiveness is a hinderance to your continued growth and that they have to have faith that they've given you the tools necessary to make the right decisions for yourself. recognize that despite all of this, they might still not want to let you go by yourself. if this happens, then you'll have to decide if sparing their feelings is more important than doing your own thing. if it isn't, then prepare to do battle, sista. just know that no matter what they say, sometimes being selfish is necessary for the soul, so don't let them try to turn it into a bad thing if you want to go off alone.

i hope this helps! good luck!

dilemma two comes from an anonymous poster:

Dear Nikki: I am so confused. I've been divorced for the last seven years and never really met anyone else that I can connect with. I've been through a couple of relationships/sexual encounters that didn't make me feel any better than I do myself. My dilemma is that from time to time I still see my ex who has been begging me for years to come back to him. Honestly, sometimes I feel like going back because everything else that I have experienced has been so meaningless. I know that I should follow my heart but I really don't know If going back would be a wise thing to do ( 7 years later). And yes I do remember the things that caused the break up. What should i do?

the first thing to do is to not allow your frustration with your current dating situation to influence your decision regarding your ex. it's hard out there no doubt, but you can be miserable all by yourself. if this is the only reason you're even considering getting back with your ex, then don't do it.

the second thing to do is to ask yourself this: if i get back with my ex as i am right now, will i find happiness with the man he was seven years ago?

i say this because if there were things about him back then that prevented the relationship from fulfilling you mentally, physically, and spiritually, you have to assume those things still remain. don't expect changes in him just because time has passed. also, consider who you are now verses who you were back then. have you changed? are your needs different now? realistically speaking, is he the cat who could fulfill your needs as they are today? if you answer no to that question, then you gotta tell him to stay away.

are you fine with revisiting the past hurts that exist as a result of your relationship with him? are you absent of bitterness and other negative feelings towards him? if you answer no to those question, then keep him out of your life because you want to move forward, not backward if by doing so means dwelling in the past and preventing personal growth.

there could be some unresolved issues regarding your relationship with him that is preventing you from connecting with others. figure out what they are. are you more distrustful, more emotionally remote as a result of your relationship with him? whatever it is, handle those issues before considering getting with ANYONE.

if you truly think that by getting back with him, you (as you are TODAY) will find the fulfillment you need to be happy, then go for it. the way i see it, there was a reason you two got together just as there was a reason you two broke up.

HOWEVER, be real with yourself before you make a move. ask yourself what is motivating you to consider him. don't do it if you feel you're doing it because you wanna repair what broke. sometimes relationships end without mending and that's just how it is.

man...that was a serious question. i hope i helped in some way. i will definitely be thinking about you and hoping you make the decision that works best for you.

aiight folk...anybody else wanna add to or counter what i said? you know i'm down with discussion.