Friday, July 21, 2006

fine guys and farts go together like peanut butter and jelly

at least, that's how it appears to be in my life.

so yesterday i was sitting at my desk, my stomach rumbling with gas from the yogurt i had that morning. i make a quick glance at the doorway and see no one coming my way. i decided to let one rip (silently of course...that required some serious asshole control). thus began the fifteen minute assault i did on my office chair as the toxic gas left my ass and no doubt put a hole in the fabric. i tried to lean forward so i could at least prevent the heated stuff from rushing up my shirt, but the gas just kept on blasting from my ass.

at that point, i'm looking around for a candle, cuz it was getting pretty funky in the cut. i couldn't close my door but i could imagine the smell was making its way out into the hallway. as i'm reaching for my candle a really, really big fart is gathering like a tornado in my intestines or wherever the hell gas like that gathers. i feel it making its way to the blowhole and i sit down quickly cuz i know this one might be a bit loud. it came out like a muffled roar and i shake my head, embarrassed for myself.

and just then karembe walks right into my office.

karembe is one of the facilities guys i met about a month ago. he's tall and dark and beautiful and african/brazilian and beautiful and sexy and beautiful and considerate.

and beautiful.

and i KNOW he heard that shit.

and i KNOW he smelled that shit cuz it smelled like shit for real. i mean, it STANK up in there.

so what do i do?

"HEY!" i said with false cheer as i jumped up from my chair and walked swiftly out of my office so i could somehow lead him away from the smell, "how are you?"

he looks perplexed for a minute. i don't know if he's perplexed because of the smell or my actions but i don't care...

don't just stand there, damnit! follow me! run for your life before the fog o'funk overtakes you and your insides are disintergrated and you crumble like a boneless mass of black man onto the carpet!

meanwhile, he doesn't move. not one inch.

"i'm doing fine," he says with a laugh, grinning at me as i walk down the hallway unsure of where i'm headed, the only thing i'm sure of is i want to get far away from the creeping toxic fumes that will surely kill him soon...

why aren't you MOVING?!?

i stop in front of the mailboxes and silently give thanks that there's something in my box for me to pick up so i can at least pretend like i was walking in that direction for a reason.

karembe is still standing there just inside my door with that sexy ass grin on his face. he has perfectly white, perfectly straight teeth exposed between perfectly sensual, perfectly full lips and he had a jovial twinkle in his perfectly brown eyes. dude was perfect...for his inperfect olfactory sense.

"uh, so what's new?" i asked as i look at the papers in my hand and shuffle them like i was actually paying attention to them. by this time i had stopped a little ways down from my office in hopes he would come to me. lawd, he just stood right there in my office doorway. didn't.fucking.budge.

"i had to come and get my daily dose of nikki. i hadn't seen your beautiful face today."

is this cat flirting with me? wait...didn't he just hear that loud fart i let out before he stepped through my door? doesn't he smell the jungle of dead animal carcasses residing inside the door right now? does he want my nasty ass because of this?

i know i had the confused look on my face but i couldn't help it. a half smile tilted on my face as i studied him. dude is rare, folk. 6'3 frame of solid chocolate and its silky and firm to the touch. wide shoulders, trim waist, nice long legs with nice defined calves. he plays futbol in his spare time. he reminds me of one of the guys from the french world cup team, only accessible.

but he couldn't possibly be flirting with me, could he?!?

"so, are you going to move to gwinnet?" he asked, as i heard the lush foilage of the amazon lilting through his speech pattern.

"gwinnet? isn't that where you live?"

he started grinning so hard i could see his back teeth.

you're flirting with me! get the fuck outta here!

"uh...i hadn't considered gwinnet. that commute's too far for me."

"awwww, no it's not!"

for real though... don't you smell the ass on fire in my office?

at this point i'm leaning on the wall across from the office doorway, sniffing furtively while i watch him cautiously.

okay...maybe it's safe to go back in...

"i can't do a commute longer than fifteen minutes and gwinnet is outside of the perimeter," i said to him as i slithered past him and surreptitiously sniffed again before taking my seat in front of the computer. amazingly, the odor had dissipated.

he was still smiling at me when i swiveled in my chair to face him.

"just think about it. it's not that far. maybe a 25 minute commute with traffic. we could even carpool together."

his voice was so dark and scrumptuous and a brownie baked with a couple of sprinkles of the weed leaf in it.

i couldn't even flirt with him though. all i could think about was the fart and the funk and whether or not he heard it and/or smelled it. if he did, he was totally playing it off, which gave him a three months off coupon to be used towards a cup o'chocolate heaven from the exclusive spot of coochie de'nikki.

eventually he bounced, but not before he winked at me. me, with my capri jeans and frizzy dreads and askewed glasses. me, with the couple of extra pounds (blessedly in the all the right places but extra nonetheless) and the ashy legs (another long ass story) and the gassy ass.

it's soooo obvious why he would want me. hell, just thinking about all those attributes makes me wanna fuck myself!

anyway, this marks the second time i've been caught in a fart by a guy who was fine. is this a mating call for guys? i mean, are they summoned to me by the sounds coming from my ass? do the 'silent bombs' act like a dog's whistle where only really handsome guys can hear them and come running?

or do african/brazilian guys just have a thing for thick chicks who fart?

i really, really hope he doesn't have a fart fetish. i mean, i'm pretty gassy but i'm not sure i can do that shit on command. i just might try it for him though.