couples therapy [the end of the beginning]

"There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,
'If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.'"

the silence punctuated the ending of his recitation like a hand smack halting a recalcitrant child's temper tantrum. he stared at me with a combination of accusation and fury, igniting my indignant embarrassment until i was pooling into the seat cushions of the chair, desperately trying to disappear inside the fibers like a stealth stain.

"this is the kind of crap she's reduced our relationship to," he continued, turning to lee with disgust. she was bent over her writing tablet, scribbling who knows what. i shivered nervously, grabbing for the retreating strands of my dignity until i had pulled my spine straight.

"really," i began hoarsely as i cleared my throat of the knot in it, "it's not as bad as all that."

he humphed.

"maybe not in the beginning," he shot back, "but now it's just a clusterfuck of incoherent ideas punctuated with a plethora of profane language."

what da...HELL nah...

"hold up one fucking minute...you acting like you don't know me," i bit out from between clenched teeth, my fury boiling over, exploding into an yelling tirade "it's not like you went to bed with snow white and woke up the next morning with eric cartman. this has been me from DAY.FUCKING.ONE, DUDE."

he looked over at lee, a triumphant expression on his face, "the more you open your mouth, the more you prove my point, nikki."

the scratching sound of lee's pen racing across the paper dropped into the sudden silence like fingers across a blackboard. she was bent over her notepad as the silence became obese, its bloated notes of nothing almost smothering the skinny ticks heard from the wall clock.

what could she possibly be writing?!?

i began wringing my hands nervously, squeezing my fingers so tightly the knuckles popped. the acid in my stomach was expanding into fists punching cramps into my abdomen.

not now. please not now...

"go ahead, nikki"

i bristled as i felt his lips close to my ear.

"when you get nervous, first thing you do is wring your hands," he uttered smugly, "second thing you do is-"

"do NOT act like you know me like that, cuz you DON'T," i whispered vehemently. i stiffened my body in preparation for the upcoming battle. he watched me closely, as if my every movement was already scripted in his mind. i ran my eyes over to lee's form, still pulled over her pad, completely oblivious to our exchange.

"so now i don't know you," he countered dryly.

i gave him the finger and turned away from him.

"why are you trying to fight it?" his question tapped me softly in the back.

"will you PLEASE shut up?" i implored as quietly as i could.

"you might as well let it go before you hurt yourself," he responded on a low note.

"man, FUCK YOU," the explosion of words from my mouth coinciding with the loud noise and flesh rotting smell exploding from my ass. i tossed a sheepish glance over my shoulder as lee's head snapped up at the interruption.

he just lifted his eyebrow knowingly before shaking his head slowly.

"no," he finally said on a tired sigh, "fuck YOU, nikki. stop acting like i don't mean anything to you, cuz i DO."

*sniff*...lee's nose was angled in direct line with the odiferous missle fired. she inhaled, then stopped cold as her face folded into fury.

"oh HELL nawl..."

"i'm sorry," i interrupted quickly as i waved my arms in the air to disperse the smell, "just a lil nervous..."

lee twisted in her seat to reach for the tiny fan on her desk. she flicked on the switch. the soft whirr from its tiny engine inserting itself into the pauses of the conversation while its elfin wind tried to haul the gargantuan bag of sulfurous compounds toward the window. she turned back to us, her glance dancing with irritation from his face to mine.

"well," she finally began after a moment of silence, "it's obvious your relationship is no longer smurfy..."

"ya think?" i said sarcastically as i shot him a hot glare. he humphed again, which was really beginning to bug the shit out of me.

"really, nikki," he countered in disgust, "you're acting like you didn't bring this on yourself."

i gasped in pain from the direct hit. "bu-but i DIDN'T!"

*ahem*

the sound of lee clearing her throat was but a dull knife merely denting the animosity in the room.

"yes you DID!"

*AHEM*

"NO.I.DIDN'T!"

"YES.YOU.DID!"

"AHEM GAWTDAMNIT!" lee roared before jumping up to lean over both of us. the sound of her pad and pencil crashing onto the floor smacked us into stunned silence.

"see," she muttered before bending over to angrily to snatch the items off of the floor, "you fools got me using the lord's name in vain and i ain't HAVING it! do you hear me?!"

she pierced me with the anger in her eyes. i opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. lee using the lord's name in vain had indeed scared the words right out of me.

oh shit. she's PISSED.

"pick your lip up offa the floor," lee said a minute later as i remained there, frozen. i closed my mouth and carefully leaned into the back of my chair, my eyes scanning her warily. he was looking at her with a mixture of fear and admiration, the bastid. lee took a deep breath and glanced down at her notes.

"okay," she said, "let's try this again."

"IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"
"IT'S ALL HER FAULT!"

a simultaneously screamed song of accusation.

lee's eyes closed on a wince as she brought her hand up to wearily pinch the bridge of her nose.

"good LAWD"