Monday, January 08, 2007

monday musings

is it better to have won and loss than never to have won at all? that's the question i ask myself in the wake of romo's bumble on saturday night. for real...maybe it would have been better if he'd just sucked from jump. then the 'boys wouldn't have made the playoffs and i wouldn't have had to suffer watching that shit at the end of that game.

congrats to sarcastic variable (or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days) for winning the blogger den's fantasy league championship. my boy dp ended up in second place despite being in first place for most of the season. that was a bitter end my friend. believe me when i tell you i understand COMPLETELY. i ended up in 'who give's a damn cuz i didn't make the playoffs' place.

congrats to organized noise who once AGAIN has taken the championship in a pick 'em league i've sponsored. i don't know what that man is doing but evidently he's got the 'sight'. he always seems to predict the right team will win. missy put up a good battle though. i was fourth.

and in what had to be my most bitter defeat to date, i went from first place all season to fourth place in the final standings, ending the season by losing two straight. if that wasn't bad enough, my first playoff lost was to that 'dethrone nikki' bastid. eating crow is NOT something i want to repeat. thank goodness he ended up losing to his brother, which made everything alright for me cuz at least HE didn't win the championship. and no, i ain't a good sport about that shit.

back at work and already hating it. man, i gotta get me a new gig pronto.

watched aqua teen hunger force last night and almost crapped my panties. all i gotta say is 'spaceship made out of dicks...' GENIUS i tell you...GENIUS.

how come guys assume a sista is indiscriminant about her dicks just cuz she's candid about her sex life?

how come dicks never look nearly as good in the photo as they do in person?

how the hell would i even know the difference? it's not like i've actually dated a guy after he sent me a photo of his phallus, although i wonder if maybe that isn't a good idea...

"dear dude,

i know you're damn near perfect in every way with your six-digit yearly salary and your 7-series mercedes and your penthouse in buckhead and your flawless looks, but i've found that in the past guys with toys as big as yours have them to compensate for their lack of penile girth. in order to avoid future disappointment, i am sending you this email to request a photo of your penis. please do not attempt to alter the image as that's a clear sign you are unendowed and steps will be taken to ensure i never see you or communicate with you again. once you have submitted your photo i will take it under review and get back to you. if you haven't heard from me after a week assume i have found your phallic length inadequate for my needs.



p.s. - extra points for you if your penis is curved upward or has a large head."

the folk here where i work are making it seem as though this university is on the cutting edge of progressiveness. funny thing considering many black folk working here have tried to bring a class-action lawsuit against the school but have been unable to do so because no lawyer is willing to take on a school with federal government ties. meanwhile, we haven't had a black man working in my division since the 90s and i'm only one of two black folk working in the entire lab. if that's progressive behavior then maybe i should shout hallelujah cuz i haven't been lynched.

how come there's always at least one grammatical error or spelling error in spam mail? is this the job that illiterate and ignant folk have been designated to do? wait a minute...there IS the presidency...

and why am i getting so many emails from nigerians requesting money from me? what have i done to deserve this? i know i'm black and i'm proud, but SHIT. i'm starting to get extra pissed about this boosheet. if i were nigerian i would be even more upset that somebody representing my folk would be out here begging other folk for funds on the fake. not a good look.

congrats to my girl scarlettrae who got engaged over the holidays. you go girl! don't forget to send me my invite!

congrats to my oldest and dearest friend tamica who got engaged over the holidays as well. i went to a bridal show with her yesterday. YUCK. ever been around a bunch of guys competing for dominance with proof of their superior penis length? it was the same here, only the penises were on the womens fingers. i saw the conversion chart on the wall:

5 carats or larger = dick size of at least 12 inches in length, four inches in diameter, and will guarantee a woman has an orgasm within ten strokes. also pro at eating pussy.

4 carats = ds is 10-11 inches in length, 3.5 inches in diameter, and will guarantee orgasm within fifteen strokes. adept at eating pussy although skills could use improving.

3 carats = 8-9 inches long, 3 inches around, and orgasm within 20 strokes. proficent at eating pussy but will only do it if asked.

2 carats = 6-7 inches long, 2.5 inches around, and orgasm within 25-30 strokes. needs improvement in eating pussy...likes to use teeth on overly sensitive areas.

1 carat = 4-5 inches long, 2 inches around, and orgasm within 45-60 strokes, usually requiring finger assistance. has to have his head guided to where the pussy is or he'll end up licking your knee.

anything under a carat = dick size requiring use of nanotechnology in order to locate it and orgasm will occur only with the assistance of a dildo or body substitution. absolutely refuses to eat pussy because he thinks it's icky...compares it to eating slimy okra.

and don't get me started on those vendors. they were like vultures. we couldn't walk two feet without being accosted in the lane by some pamplet-toting, heavily perfumed chick caked in make-up while touting her skills as a wedding coordinator or some tuxedo-wearing white guy assaulting us with flashing disco lights and business cards until we were too disoriented to avoid his boring ass sales pitch lauding his skills as a dj.

me to one of the djs in question: "what kind of music do you play?"

the dj in question: "my collection is extensive. i can play any kind of music you want. i've got alot of rap, including them franchise boys and lil jon."

me: "are you assuming cuz i'm black that i'd want to hear those franchise guys at my wedding?"

the dj in question, after realizing that thing he was choking on was his foot: "oh nooo, not at all. why don't you tell me what kind of music you like? i'm sure i've got it."

me: "how about frank sinatra? i prefer the capitol years."

the dj in question, a moment after quickly swipping that surprised look off of his face: "definitely! i have plenty of frank sinatra classics'"

me: "whatever, dude..."

what a fucking idiot.

some undercover black chick met mica and i in the line to get water...

undercover black chick: "man, it's so crowded in here!"

me, trying to be friendly: "i know! i can't believe they didn't make more space for the vendors considering the crowd."

undercover black chick: "this is my first bridal show. it's something huh?"

mica and i nod in agreement.

undercover black chick, after checking the label on mica's chest designating her as a bride-to-be: "so when's your big day?"

mica: "sometime in september."

undercover black chick, finally revealing her true colors: "have you planned your honeymoon yet? i'm a travel agent. i can help you with that."

i rolled my eyes and mica and i exchanged looks.

mica: "no, i haven't."

sneaky ass travel agent black chick: "you know there's going to be another bridal show in march. it won't be as large as this one, but i've heard it's pretty good."

me: "really?"

sneaky ass trying to establish a false sense of sisterhood just cuz she a black chick: "yes, it's for us by us."

me: "us as in black people?"

presumptuous sneaky ass black chick thinking she done read me just cuz i'm black with locs and wearing a crochet cap: "yes. it's black-owned. run by this sista who's been doing them for years."

cynical me getting impatient with her ass: "are YOU that sister?"

mildly offended sneaky ass black chick after checking me and realizing i think she's an idiot: "no. i'm sorry if i gave you that impression. she's a collegue of mine."

sarcastic me ready to end this ridiculous exchange: "oh, well thanks for the heads up. we'll look for it online."

desperate sneaky ass black chick willing to crush her va jay jay into our faces like we're carpet munchers: "if you give me your contact information, i can send you the specifics about the upcoming show."

i look at mica and try to communicate with my eyes. they are telling her "please tell this chick to go fuck herself so we can move the hell on..."

mica: "why don't you just give us the name of the show and we'll look it up."

resigned sneaky ass realizing she ain't getting shit from us black chick: "it's [whatever the fuck the name of it was]. i hope to see you there. you know we've got to support our own. bye, my black sistas."

when she walked away i sighed heavily and turn to mica.

"and THIS is why i hate bridal shows..."

have a great monday everybody!