if you're interested in hearing what i sound like

i just posted an audio file of me reading one of my poems. it's over on the dark side.

if you clown on my voice, just remember that payback is a bitch and her name is nikki. LOL

thanks, coretta

i walk behind my man
not because i can’t stand tall
but to ensure he is uplifted
if he falls

i walk in front of my man
not because I’m on display
but to protect him as the
weapons come his way

i walk beside my man
not because I will not lead
but because next to his side
is where I’m needed
______________________________________

i hope coretta knew her role in the civil rights movement was one of the most important of them all.

i'm ready to love me.

i was inspired to post this after reading will's post today concerning his trepidations about falling in love. i posted something similar a while back, but find myself revisiting the subject because 2006 has already proven to be a year clustered with epiphanic moments assaulting my mind with monumental decisions i'm too afraid to make.

i have also suffered from the malady of 'holding back for the sake of preserving myself'. i'm the sista who will want love but not all the hurt that goes with leaving myself bare and exposed, totally willing to trust a brotha with my heart. i've tried. i really have. i thought i had gotten it right this last time, but i realize now i was motivated by a combination of guilt, the vision of the dwindling years before me and the pressures put on me by family to settle down and get with child. in other words, i got caught up in everything outside of myself. i thought at my age, settling down was just the natural progression, cuz society says that a woman who isn't settled by the age of 32 is setting herself up to be that sista who goes to visit other folk with their families before she heads back home to her home to cuddle her pet whatever and lament about what she's too old to have cuz her window of opportunity closed. i got tired of hearing my mom telling me "you're not getting any younger, you know!" i got tired of listening to my female relatives speculate about whether or not nikki would ever settle down because she's "just too set in her ways and independent for her own good."

watching television, a sista can't help but notice how shows depict single females as being little more than desperate retrievers searching for a happiness in life that can only be found in the arms of a man. if she's not looking for a man, it's only cuz she just broke up with someone who broke her heart and she's too embittered to make moves. i don't see women on television who are happy with being single. women who love their lives and are confident of their accomplishments and are content with simply doing their thing.

every series-ending episode that has a female lead usually ends with her marrying the love of her life after spending the previous five or six years of the series going through the pitfalls of dating. it's that happily ever after ending that signifies the epitome of contentment, of everything being 'just right', of her no longer having to deal with all the cheap dates, over-sexed dates, under-performing dates, self-absorbed dates, etc., that she had to go through before she finally found 'the one'.

now i know that kind of shit makes for funny television, but i gotta wonder what message that sends to the females out there, single or not. it's telling me that single life, while funny, is but one phase of life and that the next phase, the really happy phase, begins when a sista gets married. the really fulfilling part, the part that you'll think back on fondly when you're sitting in your rocking chair knitting an afgan for your second grandchild's first son, is the time that occurred after you got married. all the accomplishments, the college degree, the first apartment you got after you moved out of your parent's house, the first car you purchased after saving for months for a downpayment, the first promotion, the trips you might have taken to exotic locations on your own, all that shit is but a diaphanous memory dulled against the light of the bright, techni-colored photographs of the moments you experienced after you 'settled down' to the business of living life, i.e. fall in love, get married and get the kids.

i've got a friend who's mom is more concerned with her getting married than she is with her daughter being happy with herself. and her mom's not the only one out there thinking like that. any single sista who checked out the movie 'waiting to exhale' remembers the scene when savannah had to basically cuss out her moms cuz moms was actually suggesting savannah get with a married man, just because he was showing savannah a little attention. her mom had tied savannah's happiness to the retrieval of a man, even if he happened to have someone else's name and address engraved into his doggie collar. i remember checking that scene and nodding my head fiercely, feeling that moment as if it had been my own. shit, it HAD been my own, only my mom spent her time trying to convince me that i would be an idiot to let go of a 'good man' because they're so fucking hard to find.

so i say all this because it's not just about me finding the kind of love that will make me willing to give all of myself. it's also about me finding contentment with just doing me, finding completion within myself, so that any brotha who steps inside my space is an addendum, meant to compliment what i already got, not a necessity i must have in order for my life to be worthy of living. there are plenty of good brothas out there. we sistas gotta stop buying into the hype that we gotta settle just cuz the brotha ain't dogging us out. just because he's everything everyone else says we should want in a mate doesn't mean we have to be with him.

but even before all that, we gotta find happiness with ourselves and our lives. find fulfillment in the things we do as individuals, hang out with ourselves and enjoy our own fucking company. only then will we really be ready to give it all when the right brotha steps up.

so that's where i am right now. i gotta get me straight right now. i'm gonna fall in love with myself again and take photos of the courtship so that the next time i find myself in this phase, i don't forget the perfect lover i had before he came into my life. then i won't be afraid to give him all of me because if he bounces, i've still got my perfect lover right there to help me pick up and move on.

i gotta experience life by myself for a while, and i gotta convince myself that even if i never meet 'the one', i still found happiness and purpose with my life.

cuz that's the life that many sistas are living right now and it shouldn't be seen as a consolation prize.

my answers to 25

i'll be getting back to the phil story on monday. in the meanwhile, here are my answers to the 25 questions:

1. are you content with your life?

hell no. i'll never be content with it as a whole.

2. if not, what would make you content?

i'll be content with certain aspects when i finally get the gig that will best give me the opportunity to empower folk, i.e. starting a charter school or non-profit focused on eliminating the negative effects of socioeconomic inequality.

3. if so, what makes you content with it?

i'm in a place where i'm more content with being in my skin. the more i learn about myself the more i realize i'm not half bad.

4. what do you like most about yourself?

my passionate nature. it makes me sensitive and vulnerable but it also guarantees i won't ever be satisfied with the easy answer, even if it means painful self-introspection.

5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?

i wish my insecurity would just go away already.

6. what irritates you most about other people?

self-hatred, because it's the root of so many other things. it's why many folk leave the ghetto instead of sticking around to build from within, it's why many folk still living there are so quick to make decisions that are self-destructive, it's why alot of folk abandon their own principles so easily and adopt others, even if those other principles are ultimately harmful to them, it's why i always here "black folks are always (insert negative thing)! that's why we can't never have anything!", it's why many of us treat ourselves so poorly and don't believe in our own abilities.

7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?

gawga

8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).

someone who is proactive, insightful, inquisitive, affectionate, intelligent, humble, adventerous, confident, comfortable with self-introspection, finds volunteering and empowering others an important endeavor, loves sex with me and ain't afraid to show it. oh, and enjoys talking about and watching sports.

9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?

i'm addicted. no, really i am.

10. if so, why?

it's the reaction, but it's also because it's sexy as hell watching a brotha lose control. knowing i orchestrated that appeals to my vanity. LOL

12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?

19

13. was it a good experience for you?

i was raped, so that would be a definitive "no".

14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?

knowing i'm facing a day with no mistakes in it and i can make my dreams come true if i put forth the effort.

15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?

either running a non-profit agency or a charter school. personally, i would like to have a child by then either naturally and/or adoption.

16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?

finally find personal and professional happiness by doing whatever it takes to ensure those things come to pass.

17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?

i like having someone to rub my ear at night. it puts me to sleep. shit...i sound like a dog...

18. how often do you have sex in a week?

not nearly often enough, believe me.

19. do you masturbate?

you damn skippy

20. what are your favorite television shows?

harvey birdman, family guy, drawn together, aqua teen hunger force, kids next door, law and order (all of 'em), all the nfl telecasts, sportscenter, outside the lines, everybody hates chris.

21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?

jeffrey wright, morgan freeman, joe morton, don cheadle, denzel washington, angela bassett, sanaa lathan, geena davis, susan sarandon (i just remembered yet again that there are simply not enough roles out there for black women. i had to dig deep to remember performances that blew me away.)

22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?

brand nubian, salsa music, jamie foxx, jean grae (thanks verseone!)

23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.

passionate, industrious, creative

24. what is your zodiac sign?

leo, baby! it's the only sign that really matters!

25. what do you love most about blogging?

i get to write. it's a healing thing for me. i also love reading about the thoughts and lives of others. i've learned so much about myself and other folk since i've started this.

6b

he started cussing in russian and i was baffled.

"what's wrong?" i asked as i hurriedly made my way around to his side of the car. he was looking at the tire. there was an orange boot on it. SHIT!

"i thought this was free parking!" he was getting more upset at the minute, his voice raising with each syllable.

"evidently not," i replied as i looked around for the parking attendant. we found the cat putting on the boots across the lot, so we started walking towards him. i could tell mikhail was feeling even more embarrassment than anger, his face splotched with crimson as he continued mumbling in russian. when we reached the guy, he was bent down putting the boot on a car. mikhail walked up to him and started talking, little control for his temper in place.

"why was my car booted," he asked exasperately, huffing behind each word, "the sign said it was free parking!"

the guy stood up to his full height and i almost laughed out loud. he was at least 6'4, brownskinned with a muscular build. i winced, cuz he was gawgeous and i was on a lunch date with a cute russian guy but i still got mad love for the brothas, especially brothas looking like THIS brotha looked. the brotha looked from mikhail to me, understanding dawning in his eyes like "oh, so you two are together...hmmmm"

and i grew uncomfortable. i wondered if i was gonna get the evil eye from him like interracial couples usually get from black folk. he just stood there and listened patiently to mikhail vent his frustration and state his case about the boot. after mikhail was finished the brotha replied calmly.

"sir, there's nothing i can do about what happened. the sign clearly states that the free parking is on this side of the lot and not that side. i apologize for whatever inconvenience you've been caused. now will that be credit card or cash?"

okay, so i smirked at that. dude was both respectful and firm. i couldn't be mad at it. i walked up to mikhail and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"hey, if you want, i'll split the cost with you. it's all good."

he looked at me and shook his head furiously as he pulled out his wallet and handed the brotha his credit card. while the transaction was taking place, i tried to calm mikhail down, but my efforts weren't needed. it was obvious he was just embarrassed. we'd both seen the sign that pointed to this side of the lot for the free parking, so we really didn't have a leg to stand on. the brotha handed mikhail his receipt and stood up, glancing at me with a friendly look. if i had been the kind of sista who didn't give a fuck about folks feelings, i would have given that cat my number right there. meanwhile, that's just stank, so i just looked at him as he told us to go back to the car and wait for him to come take off the boot.

on the way back to the car, mikhail was silent. when we got in the car to wait on the guy, mikhail became angry again.

"this was the perfect lunch date and then BAM! THIS!" he gripped the steering wheel tightly as he said it.

"come on," i said trying to make little of the situation, "if the lunch date was perfect, why let something like this ruin it?"

he smiled reluctantly then

a. moved his right hand from the steering wheel and placed it on my thigh, squeezing it lightly.

b. said "i just wanted this date to be perfect."

c. jumped out of the car as the guy arrived to take the boot out of the car.

4a

he looks even better with eyeglasses on. i frowned inwardly, unaware that i'd evidently found white guys with salt and pepper hair and glasses attractive until now. or maybe it was just the fact that he was so attentive.

"do any of these dishes look familiar to you?" he asked as he continued to peruse the menu. i picked mine up and started looking as well, finding only one dish on the entire menu i knew i'd had before.

"i've had the basil beef at another restaurant and it was pretty decent," i answered matter-of-factly, "but that doesn't guarantee it'll taste all that great here."

mikhail began naming the dishes aloud, his accent basically butchering each word. he knew it too as a chuckle dangled on the end of each name, a half-smile on his lips at his self-mockery. i laughed aloud. his smile grew to full-tilt grin and i wondered if the guy ever stopped smiling. he seemed so happy. i wasn't sure if it was because he was just a happy dude or if he was happy we were at lunch together. my ego told me to go with the latter option, as it made the ego feel better. we ultimately decided to go with a spinich soup and the beef basil. after the waitress came and took our orders he took off his glasses, placing them on the table as he sat back and watched me. his gaze was intense and i was beginning to feel a bit unnerved. it was weaving itself around our table, blocking out all other conversation like a sound-proof wall.

"so," he said softly after a minute, "tell me about you."

"i make a point of not falling into that hole," i answered, "so you're gonna have to be more specific. what do you want to know?"

"everything," he said, a serious expression now on his face. i arched a brow at him (that's my favorite "what the fuck" look) and gave a small laugh.

"we only have an hour mikhail," the tone of my voice lightly sprinkled with slivers of sarcasm, "so unless you want me to tell you about my toe jamb or butt boils, you might as well get specific." i smiled to take the sting out of it. a loud bark of laughter excaped his lips and he shook his head with wonder.

"that is what i like about you," he said, "you have no pretense about you."

"what's the point of pretense," i responded with an air of whatever, "when the truth is so much more efficient?"

"you are right," he replied, laughter lining his voice, "where are you from?"

"i'm originally from new york but i was raised here in atlanta," i responded.

"do you still have family there?"

"yes. only my mom and dad and a few cousins are here in georgia. everybody else for the most part are in new york."

he continued to ask me questions about myself, listening intently to the answers and following them with more probing questions. by the time our lunch arrived, i felt as though he'd peeled my memories away from my mind, exposing the vulnerable flesh of my innermost thoughts. i was ready to eat just to shut him up so i could keep part of my mind protected. the basil beef was in a bowl, swimming in red sauce, peppers, and basil. i added the white rice to the bowl and began eating. there was little talking at this point, as the dish proved to be messier than i had anticipated and i had to concentrate on keeping the sauce off of me. when i was almost done eating i glanced down at my t-shirt and groaned. my pristine white t-shirt had red spots covering it like bullet wounds. SHIT. he heard me groan and looked up, noting where i was focusing my attention. he said...

a. "would you like for me to wipe those off for you?" with a devilish grin on his face.

b. "a few spots cannot mar your beauty." and smiled with a light of something wicked in his eyes.

c. "sometimes the greatest blessing can also be a curse, hmm?" and winked at me with a knowing grin.

5c

i laughed at that statement. he laughed too, but his laughter had the thread of something else in it. i was close to asking him outright if he wanted to fuck me. i mean, he'd given me about as many hints as was possible. i'd have to be an idiot not to know what his intentions were at this point. instead i played it cool, cuz i wasn't really sure if i even wanted to have that conversation with him at this point.

i noted just how different this exchange between he and i was from the kind i'd had with black men. i flirt without hesitation with those brothas, confident in my ability to handle the situation with them. that's familiar ground right there. this wasn't. he came up in a totally different environment, one where black people weren't an oppressed entity in his country, enslaved or lynched or denied basic rights based on skin color. i tried to see myself as he saw me and drew a blank. it was hard to believe this white guy wasn't looking at me and thinking about how my race had been treated in america. i realized then i still had some evolving to do, as my mind was unable to embrace the concept that outside of america, black folk were seen by many other folk as being human beings with darker skin, not a lesser race.

mikhail had called the waitress over with a napkin so i could wipe the stains on my t-shirt. i was kind of self-conscious doing it in front of him. for some reason my breasts seemed even larger than usual in that damn t-shirt and the idea of rubbing a napkin on them made me think he was gonna end up with a chubby, so i just dabbed at a couple of the spots and set the napkin down. he called for the check and paid the bill. we left and headed back towards the car.

"what are you doing for labor day weekend?" he asked.

"i have no earthly idea," i answered, "probably go chill out with my parents."

"we could go to new york," he said with a laugh, like he was joking, only there was a hopeful look in his eye that let me know he wasn't really joking. what the FUCK? are all russian cats this forward? i was expecting him to just tell me outright he wanted to fuck me, cuz why else would i be going to new york with him? that's shit lovers do, not platonic friends, and we weren't even friends yet. shit, we were still acquaintances!

i just played that shit off like he was joking, cuz in my mind it WAS a joke.

"yeah right," i responded with humor, "let's hold off on that until AFTER i know where you live."

"i live in norcross," he said, the twinkle back in his eye. i could tell he understood what i was saying though.

"uh, i mean when i've actually BEEN to your house and have met your next of kin so i know whom to notify if you get mugged in central park."

we both laughed as we came to the car. i was walking around to the passenger side when...

a. he grabbed my hand and slowly pulled me towards him.

b. i heard him exclaim "SHIT!" angrily.

c. he tripped and fell over a crack in the pavement.

they dived into 25 questions like dolphins into the deep

thanks to all the folk who took time to satisfy my curiosity. i've learned some fascinating things about my fellow bloggers, alot of it funny, alot of it awe inspiring, all of it original. thank you for participating!

aiight, so here is the list of folk, with links to the post in their blogs. i hope you'll take some time to check out the blogs and drop a comment or two. i'm sure they'll appreciate it. i'll post my answers to the questions sometime before the weekend is out. LOL.

here's brit - and she has NEVER masturbated before! i never thought i'd find someone who hasn't, but that makes her unique...and no doubt horny as hell all the time.

josie's says her list is too soft and bashful, but it's really just honest and that's all we can ask!

t. casanova had sex twice this past week, so it's safe to say that he's making the most of the atlanta women. oh...and the brotha DON'T LIKE TUPAC. ;)

mika, strives to put out a CD of her music in 2006. do you sing or play a musical instrument or both?

shavonne, loves pretty dicks but has a gag reflex problem when it comes to um...swallowing the uh...stuff. kinda like biting into a chocolate cupcake only to realize the creamy center is snot, huh fellas?

insanelysane is hungry for knowledge, and judging from her other blog, that ain't the only thing that got a sista chomping at the bit. you go girl!

neenee's first sexual experience evidently was with the jolly green gentle giant.

because of will, i am now permanently referring to masturbating as 'willing'...you'll understand what i'm talking about...

honey-libra does not like sticking small dicks in her mouth (who does???)

ladynay kept her answers short and sweet, but i was still able to determine she likes to give oral sex. LOL

and here are the answers folk put here:

first, the questions:

1. are you content with your life?
2. if not, what would make you content?
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
4. what do you like most about yourself?
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
6. what irritates you most about other people?
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
10. if so, why?
11. if not, why?
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
13. was it a good experience for you?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
19. do you masturbate?
20. what are your favorite television shows?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
24. what is your zodiac sign?
25. what do you love most about blogging?

now, the answers:

chezniki is living the life i wanna live when i grow up:

1. are you content with your life?
No
2. if not, what would make you content?
Successful Career(s), Natural Twins, Good Husband, Own My Home, for my life to mean something
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
N/A
4. what do you like most about yourself?
My resourcefulness (hustle), My voice(s), My fearlessness (sometimes), My hair
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
My belly
6. what irritates you most about other people?
People who are Judgmental, Mean Spirited, and Purposefully Ignorant
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
Currently trapped in Massachusetts (born in NYC)
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections)
VERSATILITY! Intelligence, Resourcefulness, Skilled, Large, Lots of Integrity, Lots of Hair
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
F*ck No!
10. if so, why? N/A
11. if not, why?
MFers take it for granted (Im boycotting till at least March 30th)
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
Which Time?
13. was it a good experience for you?
Again...Which Time?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
Next door neighbor's loud a$$ alarm clock
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
Stop taking the Bar and start living my life.
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
Lose Weight, Pass the Bar, Have Lots of Orgasms
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
Single-The bathroom is ALWAYS free
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
Is that a trick question? I live in Boston, I dont have sex anymore.
19. do you masturbate?
Whenever I have to.
20. what are your favorite television shows?
Law and Order...is there really any other show?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
Angela Bassett/Danny Glover
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
The Game's CD (dont ask, dont tell)
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
Phat Lady Sings
24. what is your zodiac sign?
Cancer
25. what do you love most about blogging?
Positive Attention, Immediate Publishing, Meeting New People


rell ain't gettin none, so sistas out there, help a brotha out!:

1. Pretty Much

2. A Significant Other

3. I have everything that I need and want but the aforementioned significant other

4. The fact that i'm one of the nicest people I know

5. I wish I was taller!

6. People who complain about petty things when really someone always has it worse

7. North Carolina!

8. Someone who was raised in a similar manner, enjoys sports and is intelligent

9. silence is consent i suppose

12. 19

13. nope

14. that's a great question -- i'll have to think about that one

15. working at a collegiate Division 1 school in the athletic dept.

16. start my thesis

17. Single, I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to anyone.

18. ummm NEVER

19. I'm a 23-year-old man...

20. Lost, 24, South Park, Family Guy, The Boondocks, Sportscenter, PTI, Around the Horn, Everybody Hates Chris, Prison Break

21. none really in particular, i'm more of a producer/writer/director fan

22. Common, Kirk Franklin and Kanye (lol)

23. Intelligent, Caring and Compassionate
24. My b-day is June 21st so it's either Cancer or Leo (not sure which one)
25. The fact that I can keep writing, what is essentially a daily magazine. I really don't do it for therapy per se like some, I do it cause I like to give people interesting things to think about and keep them informed about things going on in our world. It's like my own little company.


bajanqueen is always the positive sista:

1. Even though shit ain't right...I'm very content right now!

2. Financial independence....is one of many that would make me very content.

3. My Family....

4. Everything!! ok, ok, my sense of humor.

5. Nothing....

6. When they pretend to be something they are not!

7. NYC...

8. I want commitment, honesty, these are just to name a few...

9. Yes

10. Cause I'm good at it!!! ~lol~

11. I love it!!

12. 16

13. Hell NO!!!

14. Damn this one is hard!! I guess my spirit.....it won't let me give up!

15. Owning my own home, happily married, and doing what I love best!!

16. Staying true to myself!

17. Right now I'm single....what I like best about it is the quiet time...I'm more in touch with who I am! Or rather I'm learing more about me!

18. Hello.....I just said I'm single...I don't get none!!

19. This is the only some I get!! Yes I do.

20. Grey's Anatomy, Cheers, Good Times, The Jeffersons....to name a few!

21. Patrick Dempsey (he stars in Grey's Anatomy)

22. Dru Hill Hits

23. Tenacious, Loving, and Nurturing.

24. Taurus

25. Freedom of expression....


verseone thinks he's cute, but he's really not...(no, he really is...):

1. No.
2. Because, contentment breeds stagnation.
3. N/A
4. my cuteness. (Nikki)
5. the number of zeroes that show up at the end of my paycheck.
6. Ignorance of the African-american condition, and people non-chalance about its effects.
7. GA.
8. cuteness, social consciousness, and knowing my favorite artist.
9. uh... yeah it's against the law not to. *Nikki u know about the laws, right?
10. cause of the law of "reciprication". practice it!
11. some people never heard of the law of "reciprication".
12. 14
13. Nope, her little brother and sister were bangin on the door the whole time. Talkin' about "we hungry, it's lunchtime".
14. The ability to be able to wake up.
15. Breathing.
16. None.
17. that's a long answer.
18. more than once.
19. depends on Question #18.
20. Bernie Mac, Everybody hates Chris, Seinfeld
21. Mos Def, Sanaa Lathan,
22. Mos,Tupac, LittleBrother, Amel,Talib, and Jean Grae.
23. what's an adjective?
24. Gemini.
25. the word "blogging". It's just a great word to say. And 5 years ago it wasn't even a word. Isn't that cool!?


olawunmi...all i gotta say is you betta be glad you ain't on this continent...:

1. not at the moment, i'm so far from where i would like to be...

2.true financial independence, this graduate shool thing is killing me.

3. counting my blessings makes me realise how goodGod has been to me.

4. my heart.

5. this incredible impatience. i would love to be more patient, starting right now!

6. stupidity

7. i live in manchester, in england (the united kingdom)

8. honesty, commitment, intelligence, kindness, compassion, ambition and a healthy dose of common-sense to name a few basic qualities

9. hell yeah!

10. i have mad skills and its a real trip to watch a woman lose control.

11. please... if you can't reciprocate, your ass i will defenestrate.

12. 17

13. nope. it was awkward as hell

14. the fear of becoming poor if i don't work hard.

15. running my own empire

16. finish this phd

17. single. not having to answer to anyone.

18. depends

19. no need to

20. topgear, 24, er.

21. anthony hopkins, jamie foxx, nia long

22. james blunt - back to bedlam

23. fun, deep, contradictory

24. cancer

25. the fact that it gives me a ready-made forum to say anything and everything i want without having to look for an interested audience.


bkbabe is gonna be my road dawg when i get to new york this summer:

1. for the most part... yup.
2. traveling....
3. a peace of mind, sitting still at the moment, enjoying me.
4. my resiliance
5. my stuck moments, need to fast fwd them "faster"
6. no motivation, no go out and get it, or get over it...
7. nyc-atl
8. a sense a humor and a brain, ooh don't get me wet!
9.Yup. Sure do.
10. Its all about the guy, and me being into that guy, that moment.
11. next question
12. legal
13. nope.
14. Ummm a heartbeat? And a good book to read on train ride...
15. kids, 2nd book, half the globe scaved, next half on the way, settled in loving relationship, and working on PHD... and business.
16. same plan as 2005, 4, 3, 2,etc
never stop growing and trying...
17. on the semi tip, its exciting starting something new, and nerve wrecking too... anxiety, anxiety.
18. pleading fifth.
19. not at the moment.
20. not a big tv watcher...
22. a mix cd i made
23. funny, determined, charismatic
24. december baby
25. expressing myself thru words...


bullfrog waited until marriage to have sex. i ain't mad at you, brotha:

1. are you content with your life?

yes

3. if so, what makes you content with it?

my relationship with God; knowing He is ultimately in control keeps me grounded when circumstances get rough

4. what do you like most about yourself?

my sense of humor

5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?

negative self image

6. what irritates you most about other people?

few people REALLY listen

7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?

California

8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).

strong where I am weak: considerate, sensitive, gentle

skipped a few, too personal...

12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?

26

13. was it a good experience for you?

the first time was more awkward, just glad to get it over with

14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?

my family, great job

15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?

same line of work, but more of a supervisory role, more kids, hopefully I'll be a much better husband

16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?

my wife is having our 2nd child in May, so raising 2 babies (our first is almost a year old) should keep us busy, and getting our house in order.

17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?

being married to the right person makes me better and it is a constant learning experience

18. how often do you have sex in a week?

3-4 times on average

20. what are your favorite television shows?

i am hooked on reality TV, you name the show

21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?

always been a big fan of Deniro and I don't have a favorite actress, I think alot of them are getting by on their looks right now

22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?

Cameo, Bilal, Angie Stone

23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.

cerebral, methodical, goofy

24. what is your zodiac sign?

Gemini

25. what do you love most about blogging?

It's hard to have conversation about real issues with friends without scaring them (you've read my BLOG entry, "What the BLOG?"


aquababie is my sista in locs:

1. i'm working on the parts that aren't working.

2. more peace of mind

3. my family, friends & my sweetie

4. my self-determination, intelligence & boobs

5. i could stand to lose 15 pounds

6. people who take me for granted

7. mississippi

8. someone who listens(when i choose to talk), honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, consciousness and accepts me for the person i am and the person i'm building myself to be

9. hell yes!

10. i love watching a man's reaction as i pleasure him. it's a big turn-on.

11. n/a

12. 19

13. yes

14. knowing i have an obligation to myself to go out in the world and make it

15. possibly back in school working on my Ph.D.; maybe married and a baby

16. get my shit together mentally and physically

17. having someone i can rely on when i can't rely on myself...someone who can be strong for me when i can't be

18. 1-5 times a week...depends how i feel

19. hell yes!

20. the wire, gray's anatomy, anything on history channel, tlc, discovery or a&e

21. samuel l. jackson, don cheadle. no favorite actress at the moment

22. erkyah badu mp3 my sweetie made for me; common; earth, wind & fire; john coltrane; theolonious monk

23. introspective, funny, caring

24. aquarius

25. it helps me get things out of my cluttered mind. i write much better than i can vocalize sometimes. it's good therapy.


truthz always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth:

1. most of the time
2. to have the american dream, rich husband who loved and respected the mess outta me and my babies and security
3. i am at a point in my life where it doesn't really matter what others think
4. the fact that i don't stay down for good
5. i have a hard time forgiving peeps esp myself
6. fakeness and liars..
7. chi-town will always be my home even if i ain't there right now
8. now i look at his left hand ring finger
9. can't give up everything
10.
11.
12. 181/2 lol..i was in college
13. no
14. the fact that if i didn't my kids would sit on my head or burn down the house
15. publishing books
16. to take better care of me and my feelings
17. when i figure this out, i willlet you know
18. 0
19. not n e more...poor bubba
20. 24 top model
21. i loved me some ossie davis and james earl jones and wow too many to name
22. your smile
23. honest, sensitive, master of masks
24. ?
25. the love i receive from the other bloggers


bryonp...next time, put up your site info so i can link you!:

1.yes
2.content
3.my kid
4.my sense of humor
5.my height
6.stupidity
7.michigan
8.intelligence,sense of humor, compassion,dignity,spirituality, high sex drive.
9. hell yes and twice on Sundays
10. I love to know that my boo is being pleasured and i'm the cause of it.
11.see above
12.twelve
13.yep all two minutes of it.
14.my kid. gotta see her face every morning.
15.expanding my small businesses.
16.the idea that my other is giving back as well as accepting my love.
17.to live to see 2007. Sound simple but honestly it's not.
18.3-5 times
19.yep. I hit so many licks i went to pee and it started duckin'
20.the sheild, the boondocks, dave chapelle, and law and order.and Family guy
21. actor Samuel Jackson actress Halle Barry
22.Parliement P-Funk(I want's to get funked up)
23.choclate coated, freaky and habit forming
24.Capricorn
25.expressing and veiwing opinions from individual from all perspective and political spectrums.

7c

wrong again, suckas!

7b

nah. what he said was "you are right. i will not let the ending ruin this date." try again suckas!

25 reminder

if you've posted your answers to the 25 questions in your blog, let me know here (if you haven't let me know in the original post). i'll be putting links to your answers in tomorrow's post.

phil, pt. 1

i met him through a good friend of mine. actually, the 'good friend' was my senior prom date, who was a correctional officer. in a girl's mind (okay...maybe only in my mind) that meant he had alot of guy friends who looked cute in uniform.

so the good friend, 'toine, threw a cookout at his place and invited all of his co-workers and other friends to share in the food and drink. i got there two hours late as per my usual steelo, and stepped into a sea of fine brothas. i had been there maybe ten minutes when i saw 'him' standing in the crowd over by one of the card tables (cuz you know the spades was dropping all over the place). i raised an eyebrow and made my scan of him from head to toe. about 6'2, 220 lbs of muscle and mayhem, skin was golden brown like nutmeg, and his hair was cut low and brushed so thoroughly that the waves in it glistened beneath the summer sun. he had on a pair of baggy jeans and a button-down shirt and was leaning over the table to peep somebody's cards, a heineken bottle curled tightly within his grasp.

niiiice.

i like nice. i especially like nice when it's got a tight ass attached to it.

so then the game begins. i saunter over to the card table and stand to his left, making covert glances in his direction to make sure the perfection i viewed from afar wasn't an aberration. luckily he was just as fine up close as he was from across the yard. i breathed in deeply and my nostrils were assuaged by his cologne, a combination of sandlewood notes threaded with a hint of cinnamon.

i smiled.

cuz there ain't nothing like a good smelling man. a good smelling man is someone who thinks of the small things like washing his scrotum thoroughly. then again, he might be that cat who thinks he can just splash some cologne down there to cover up the stench of sweat caking up in the crevices. meanwhile, it usually has all of the effectiveness of placing a bandaid over a gunshot wound.

i frowned.

cuz now i was thinking about him camafloguing his sweaty balls with cologne. then i started thinking about how sweaty balls sprinkled with cologne taste. frankly, it's nasty. it's like getting a serving of meatballs only to find out somebody dropped them on the floor prior to putting them on your plate. you think to yourself 'god made dirt, and dirt don't hurt, right?'...so you decide to take a bite of it only to discover the same fool who dropped them on the floor thought they could cover up the move by first immersing them in a vat of drakkar noir.

wait...that didn't even make any fucking sense. aiight, back to the story.

i'm standing there with the frown on my face, eyes staring unfocused into the distance as the remembered taste of salty scrotum dipped in drakkar noir had my visage crumpled into the beer face. i didn't even feel the tap to my shoulder until his voice was close to my ear.

"hey, nikki."

i turned my head quickly towards the direction of the voice and smacked my forehead up against his chin.

"ouch!" i exclaimed, as i grabbed for my forehead to rub it. here we go again.

the fact of the matter is that i'm clumsy. i fall down steps. i fall up steps. i've even fallen through steps. shit, i'm sure i've invented new ways of falling on steps. and it's not just steps, either. i've tripped over cracks in the sidewalk, both real and non-existent, fallen into ditches, tumbled into lakes, crashed through ceilings, and almost broke my neck once when i tried to flip onto a couch during one of my 'i'm gonna impress my boyfriend' moments.

so hitting my head against the brotha's chin was yet another installment in the 'chronicles of nikki's clumsiness'.

anyway, once my eyes refocused, they were looking right into the face of the guy i had up until been checking on the sly. him. and he somehow knew my name!

"uh, hello?" i asked dazedly, still rubbing the sore spot on my forehead. he was rubbing his chin, a wary look in his eyes. ut oh...he's already thinking i'm a clumsy idiot.

"yeah," he started, "how you doin'? my boy 'toine told me you'd be stopping by."

what? so the brotha's been asking about me? sweeeet! then i started feverishly trying to figure out where he'd seen me before. he must have seen that look of 'where do i know you from' on my face, cuz he grinned and continued.

"the super bowl party at jermaine's house earlier this year," he stated, "i was there with my ex-girlfriend, so you probably don't remember me."

i damn sure didn't remember him. as soon as i see a guy with another girl, he's persona non grata as far as i'm concerned. there are way too many men in the world for me to be getting all caught up in someone else's man. then i noticed he said 'ex'...which meant he was nice and available.

i grinned with all the cheese i could muster.

"'ex', huh?" i said. see, i gotta confirm i heard correctly. no drama needed in nikki's world, feel me?

"yeah, 'ex'. we broke up a few months ago," he stated, his eyes holding mine intently. "and i've been single ever since."

"is that so," i said matter-of-factly, my hopes rising. "cool."

i stepped away from the table and he took the hint and fell into step with me as i walked towards a shaded area next to some trees.

"i definitely remember you from the party. you had on a short skirt that showed off your amazing legs." he had a sly look on his face as he made a slow perusal down my body.

i grinned again. uh, that's what the short skirts are for, papi. as we took a seat beneath one of the trees, i pulled down the short skirt i was wearing right then (why fix something that ain't broke, right?) and extended my 'amazing' legs before crossing them in front of me.

"i'm sorry, but i don't remember you at all." a smirk was spilling from my face as i tried to blunt the blow to his ego. "but it's all good. i didn't need to notice you if you had a girlfriend."

he chuckled as he dropped to sit next to me, his back settled against the trunk of the tree as he turned his head to face me. we just stared at each other. i noticed the smile on his face ended with a dimple in his left cheek. oh shit, but this cat was getting cuter by the minute.

"so you know my name and i don't know yours," i stated mischeviously, trying to coax him into giving me what i wanted without straight up asking "so what yo name be?"

"my name is phil...," he answered, then he added, "better known as the brotha who's gonna be monopolizing all of your time for the rest of the day."

ohhhh...it's like THAT now? you know nikki wasn't mad at that. not mad at all...

my chest puffed up a little as i realized i was being pursued for once by the same guy i had my eye on instead of that guy's less attractive friend whom he dragged to the party to show him how the other half lives. not that i haven't dated unattractive guys. actually, every guy i've dated has been attractive to me. it's just that sometimes it took a while for my eyes to warm up to the view of his missing teeth or crossed eyes or the hump protruding from his back.

but not this time. no, this time i was talking to the cute guy with the engaging smile and perfect teeth and the nice ass. and the nice ass. THE NICE ASS. *sigh*

"so you think you got it like that, do you?" i asked him with a fake note of indignance in my voice. meanwhile there was another voice screaming inside my head "hell yeah you got it like that you tall drink of fuckable chocolate. yes you do!"

"of course i've got it like that. you didn't know?"

then he winked at me.

look at this smooth mothafucka here...

the smile on my face grew as my imagination started running laps around reality.

oh yeah, this is gonna be nice indeed...

6c

if that shit had happened i would have laughed my black ass off.

6a.

gawtDAMN! you just ready for us to fuck ain't you?

my love/hate for you is everlasting

music is the thread binding my memories together. its melodious notes are woven into the fabric of every thought, past and present, that i've ever had. it is the backdrop of every experience, the liquor my ears embibe of when i want to get so drunk i can't remember the hurt and the fiber i take when i want to purge my body of the shitty aspects of life that leave my mind constipated.

it's that morning after hangover when all the pain comes rushing back after a few notes bitch slap my brain into conjuring up a time i selfishly stomped on someone's feelings or someone slashed their way through my heart with a rusted knife.

it's that ocean i dive into to drench my soul with the memories of my father, when i immerse myself into a symphony of sound waves, my body surfing through the froth of a singer's voice, my mind grabbing for the slippery skin of a guitar riff as it gathers and scatters like a school of fish just beyond my reach.

it's that touch of my lover/friend/enemy/kin to me, whether soft like a kiss to the ivory keys of a piano or hard like a punch to dent the skin of a drum, thrusting me from dark to light and back again...and back again...manipulating me into forbidden/foreign/familiar/frenzied expressions with one movement from its evil/ecstatic/earnest/emphatic fingers.

it licks me down and fucks me up. it loves me til orgasm and leaves me hanging on the brink. it fills me like a feast and kills me like a famine.

i find all my saintly and shitty sides in all aspects of it and am forced to face that which i am because of its existence.


man...FUCK YOU, music!



oh...and thanks.

5b

wtf? i WISH a mothafucka had said that. i would have given him a 'smooth playa' card for that one.

5a

that sounds just like what a brotha would say. if he'd said that shit to me i would have been truly shocked and asked him if his middle name was raheem or something.

3b

he questioned as he continued staring at me intently. his gaze dropped to my lips.

"i'm sure it'll be fine," i said as i broke the eye contact and made to open the door. he turned and quickly got out of the car and was rounding the back of the car as i swung my feet to the pavement. he held the door as i stood, making a point of avoiding contact with his body as i did so. he was standing close, subtle wisps of his cologne blowing towards my nostrils in spicy notes of patchouli and jasmine. i inhaled, recognizing the gio cologne. okay, so that's one of my things, you know? a man who smells good is a wideout working with a fifteen yard gap in between himself and the secondary, get me?

we walked to the restaurant, a short distance away. he started again with the small talk and i let him carry the conversation while i made a quick perusal of his form. he stood about 5'10, medium frame, broad chest swathed with a light blue polo shirt and what appeared to be lean muscular thighs encased in jeans that fit him perfectly. i lagged behind for a second so i could check his ass, surprised to find he had a nice looking one in the jeans. i went through my mental roledex of images trying to determine if all russian men had asses like his and realized i knew no other russian men to compare him to. i mean, i knew about the russian presidents but i couldn't see their asses in the suits they've worn. they've never bent over to pick up anything in front of photographers who could capture the proof of whether or not they have junk in the trunk. vague images of nicely formed male gymnasts from the former soviet republic came to mind, but they could have been on the 'roids so i dismissed them immediately.

we entered the restaurant and were greeted by the maitre 'd who reached for two menus and led us into the dining area.

"we would like a table over there please," mikhail said to the man as he pointed to a darkened room separated from the main dining area by a low wall and curved doorway. i noted just how secluded and intimate the space was and lifted an eyebrow. it was becoming very obvious this cat wasn't seeing this lunch as merely two colleagues eating together.

"i'm sorry sir, but that area is only open for dinner," the asian man responded quietly, "i can seat you here if you wish."

'here' was a table for two in the front of the restaurant next to a large window. although it was up against the wall, there was nothing intimate about it as there was a large party of folk at the table right next to us. mikhail frowned, disappointment in his voice as he replied.

"this is fine."

he pulled out my chair and i sat down. he sat down in the chair across the table and smiled again, the twinkle re-appearing in his eyes like a lightening streaking across blue skies. i had to admit he was just a bit appealing. he was olive complected and had more of the look of an italian than the stereotypical russian portrayed in the movies (hold up...didn't this cat in the photo date grace jones for a while?!?)

anyway, he starts telling me more about himself. he came here in 1993 to achieve the american dream (now when he told me this, i had to laugh cuz i'm like "uh, the american dream don't usually include fucking with a black woman in most folks mind", but i digress), so he came here from the soviet union. he told me how distressed he was at being unable to find a job quickly. i was amazed at how willing he was to express his emotions and share with me his fear at being unable to find a job to support his family (he was married at the time with a seven year old son and a step-daughter). frankly, i don't think i've ever had a first date where the guy straight up told me about his hopes and fears and feelings of helplessness like that. i became more comfortable with him as he shared more about himself with me. the whole time his eyes never left mine and he spoke in a low voice, which made it a little difficult for me to understand him through the accent, but i managed. then he...

a. put on a pair of eyeglasses and started looking at the menu.

b. reached across the table and grasps my hands lightly, his thumb making lazy patterns across the back of my hands.

c. asked me if i'm ready to order.

deuce big, hell below...

i was about to explode. my stomach was rumbling and my ass was clenched so tightly i was sure any shit coming from the cavern between my asscheeks would be squeezed into a three carat diamond before it hit the water. i had been sitting in the same spot for ten minutes trying to figure out my plan of action. i had to get to the bathroom on the ground floor which was three floors down. it woud take me ten seconds to get to the elevator door. if the elevator wasn't already on my floor it would be at least 30 seconds before it'd get there. from there, it'd take anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute for me to get from my floor to the ground floor and then an additional fifteen seconds to get to the bathroom. all in all, it could take anywhere from a minute thirty seconds to three minutes to get to the bathroom.

why not just go to the bathroom on my floor you ask? because that bathroom was frequented by way too many females and what i had to do right then had to be done in private because it was gonna be noisy and nasty and stinky.

shit.shit.shit. that laxative i had taken the day before said it would kick in in enough time for me to drop the load before work. however, when i woke up that morning, i felt nothing. i even called in to work to tell them i was gonna be a little late, cuz i was trying to wait it out. eventually i figured the laxative wasn't gonna work, so i headed to work.

i worked for a couple of hours with no thought as to the possible disaster looming on the horizon, so when it hit, i was shocked into painful awareness. it wasn't one of those things where you feel it creeping up and you can prepare yourself for the moment. no, it was one of those things where one minute you're writing a presentation for a meeting to take place in an hour and the next thing you know, you start farting like you're part of the famu marching 100's tuba section doing 'old happy day', right before your stomach cramps up into a painful knot and you feel your colon about to erupt like mount st. bowelen.

so i'm sitting in my chair, back erect, legs pinned together tightly, ass clenched as i breathed in slowly trying to calm my bowels down. i had the candle burning in my office after ten minutes of my bowels telling me "it's coming, so you betta find somewhere to bow down." i couldn't close my office door so the smell was creeping down the hallway. the candle was helping a little, but then it only made the place smell like cherry-scented shit.

my stomach rolled one more time and then i realized i was gonna blow in my pants if i didn't get out of there immediately. i dashed from my office and ran to the elevator where i violently smacked at the down button, my body bent over, my arm curved tightly over my stomach. when it didn't open instantaneously, i knew then i wasn't gonna make it to the ground floor. i turned quickly and ran across the hallway to the bathroom on my floor. slamming back the door, i ran for the stall furthermost from the door. i hadn't even gotten the door to the stall latched before my stomach started rolling again and i could feel the tide making it's way to my ass. i frantically started grabbing for my pants, fumbling with the buttons as i jumped from one foot to the other while trying to shimmy my ass out of the pants. the buttons undone, i grabbed as much cloth as i could in both hands and shoved everything down, pants and panties, then plopped quickly onto the commode.

AT LAST!

and yes, it was loud. and nasty. and stinky.

and someone was walking into the bathroom just as the first eruption occurred. SHIT.SHIT.SHIT.

i siezed up tightly, trying to stop the eruption during mid-flow, reached quickly behind me and pushed down the flusher. as the noise of the toilet echoed through the bathroom, i let go again, hoping the sounds would be camouflaged by the whish of whirling water. unfortunately, the toilets on my job are quick-flushing, which means it only takes them five seconds to get the biz down the drain before coming to a silent hault. so of course when the toilet's done making its noise, i was still blowing chunks and it was sounding like a symphony of horns, the cascading notes vibrating off of the bathroom walls. i just kept shitting and flushing and shitting and flushing until my ass felt like it had just belted out miles davis' 'birth of the cool' album. then there was silence as i sat crumpled on the throne, my hand pinching my nose at the smell that was now cloaking the bathroom like nuclear fallout.

"ahem..." a nasally voice came from outside of the stall, "uh, are you alright in there?"

oh HELL nah! somebody actually braved the volcanic eruption? what was she, some kind of freak who got off on people taking a shit? it was bad enough i got caught out there at work, but to get caught out there while someone stood by and witnessed it....DAMN.

i didn't respond immediately, unsure really of what i should say. i mean, this ain't the kind of moment they teach you about in etiquette books. there is nothing written down to address the 'taking a blowout shit while your co-worker watches and listens to it in alarm' moment. i contemplated remaining silent and hoping she would just disappear like the last remnants of my dignity.

she didn't.

i could hear her just standing there, waiting for me to respond. i sighed heavily.

"i'm alright," i answered, trying to sound nonchalant about it, "just some bad breakfast, that's all."

she hesitated before speaking.

"do you want me to tell dan you're on a break?"

if she knows who my boss is, she knows who i am. SHIT. i sighed again.

"yes," i said, "tell him i'll be back in about twenty minutes."

"okay. just let me know if you need anything."

then i heard her leave.

i slouched on the throne, my head held down while i contemplated my embarrassing moment. then i realized i was still sitting on the toilet and anybody could step into the bathroom at any moment. i quickly did the thorough hygiene thing, pulled up the clothes, buttoned my pants, then stepped from the stall. i washed my hands, dried them, then headed to the door. opening it, i walked into the hallway and walked quickly back to my office.

then i grabbed a black marker and a sheet of paper. on the paper i wrote in large letters:

'WET FLOOR. DO NOT ENTER'

i got some tape and ran back to the door of the bathroom where i put the sign up, then i hustled back to my office.

i figured the bathroom needed about ten minutes to air out. it was the least i could do.

2b

hold up...ain't this guy a research scientist? what's he doing driving a beat up camry? i don't know what i expected, but it damn sure wasn't that. what happened to german engineering? what happened to plush, heat controlled leather seats? what happened to the fucking seven-series?!?

oh well...at least it wasn't a yugly.

he stepped out of the camry and walked over to the passenger side, awaiting me as i stood up and strolled up to the car.

"am i late?" he asked eagerly as he opened the door for me. i slid into the seat. the worn, yet comfortable leather seat. i looked up at him and smiled.

"no, you're not late."

he ran to the driver side and hopped in. a minute later we're on the road headed towards the restaurant. yesterday he told me i could pick the restaurant, so i'd decided on a casual spot over in atlant.ic stat.ion.

"have you been to atlant.ic stat.ion?" i asked, "because we can go to do.c gree.ns."

he turned to me and his face flourished into a smile, white teeth gleaming between full lips curved upward, the ends tied into twin bows of dimples deeply set within his cheeks.

damn, but this guy is really attractive.

even though his black hair was liberally peppered with silver strands througout it, his face had a youthful glow. i think it might have been that twinkle in his eye that did the trick.

"actually, i found a nice thai restaurant right up the street." his words were bobbing on the surface of a voice deep in timbre, the waves of his russian brogue creating a collision of vowels and consonants as he spoke. i looked at his lips to see if i could get a better understanding of what he was saying from watching their movement. when i glanced up i saw he was looking at me with amusement...and something else. hold up...that ain't what i think it is, is it? i turned quickly and stared out of the windowshield, determined to keep this exchange as casual as possible.

"thai sounds cool," i said, squeezing nonchalance into the statement, "what's the name of this place?"

he told me the name of the place and i didn't recognize it. it was located only a short distance from my office building so we were there in no time. during the drive there he asked me about my department and what we do, obviously trying to put me at ease by keeping it a strictly professional conversation, yet it hovered in the air between us, a shimmering mist of awareness soaking through our exchange, an unspoken promise speaking to me in the silence of his pauses.

and that was before we even got to the damn restaurant. what the fuck is this about?

when we reached the restaurant, he followed the sign for free parking until we found a spot to park. we'd been making small talk the whole time, but the sudden hush of our surroundings as he cut off the engine left us both disconcerted as we stared at each other. it became a heavier presence in the car, as though it'd been imprisoned in sound and was now desperate to unfurl and cloak the inside of the car. mikhail twisted his upper body, resting his left arm on the steering wheel as he turned to me. he looked into my eyes and said

a. "i've been trying for weeks to gather the courage to ask you out to lunch."

b. "do you think my car is safe here?"

c. "i find i am very hungry right now."

twenty-five questions i'm asking you

1. are you content with your life?
2. if not, what would make you content?
3. if so, what makes you content with it?
4. what do you like most about yourself?
5. what do you wish you could change about yourself?
6. what irritates you most about other people?
7. what state do you live in? if not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
8. what do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice i didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
9. do you enjoy giving oral sex?
10. if so, why?
11. if not, why?
12. how old were you when you lost your virginity?
13. was it a good experience for you?
14. what motivates you to wake up each morning?
15. what do you see yourself doing in five years?
16. what is your 'big plan' for 2006?
17. what do you love most about being single/involved/married?
18. how often do you have sex in a week?
19. do you masturbate?
20. what are your favorite television shows?
21. who are your favorite actors/actresses?
22. what are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
23. give me three adjectives that best describe you.
24. what is your zodiac sign?
25. what do you love most about blogging?

i'm tagging everybody who reads this. you can either put down your answers here or in your own blog. i be reading your blogs, so don't think i won't be checking. :)

i enjoy learning things about folk and this satisfies most of my curiosities. now hop to it or i'll start calling out folks INDIVIDUALLY.

oh yeah, i'll be posting links to your answers if they're on your blog. i'll do that this upcoming friday.

shout out

i gotta mention the fact that i won a kingy award for best writing in a blog or else king's gonna kick my ass.

thanks to all the folk that voted for me. i am humbled by the praise. i'm glad you people enjoy reading about my pain. hehehe

some of the other winners included:

my girl gapeach for worst blog. although she campaigned for this, it's obvious she's got one of the best blogs on the internet, which is why she also won for blogger of the year. evidently the king's populace are all on crack cuz how can someone be both the worst blogger and blogger of the year? are they saying it ain't 'bad meaning bad, it's bad meaning good'? gapeach is a courageous sista in that she keeps it raw, never holding back on how she's feeling, even if she's feeling shitty. gotta give her credit because she puts some shit out there that i wouldn't dream of doing, and if you've read my blog, you know there is precious little i won't put out there. what i really dig about her blog is the fact that she displays strength, vulnerability, intelligence and insight in her posts. she's living proof that beautiful things grow in da hood.

my boy rell won for male blogger folk most wanna hump. he is definitely humpable. his site includes commentary on pop culture, politics, and sports, with a dash every now and again about his personal life. it's obvious the brotha is smart and thoughtful, which will guarantee he gets pussy damn near every time. now if only he would get out more...

i just recently started reading this blog, but if her thoughts are anything to judge by, there's no doubt why leesa won for female blogger folk most wanna hump. and here i thought my sex stories were explicit. this one goes one step further and does it extremely well. she might be married but that won't stop guys from having sexual fantasies about her.

mwabi might have won for best template, but she could have won for best blog too and i wouldn't been mad at it. she is the manifestation of a beautiful earth sista. she's earthy in that she ain't afraid to tell it and is passionate about her beliefs, but she's also nurturing and makes you feel at home when you're hanging out on her blog. it ain't just a visit, it's a party! shit, i wasn't even watching project runway until she started talking about it in her blog. she has such a gift for writing in such a way as to make even the most bland of subjects interesting. oh, and the girl is damn near as horny as i am, which ain't no small feat cuz i'm horny all the fucking time. she's got the good life - hubby, kids, and her blog (although "da man" won't let her post from work...DAMN). you go girl!

those are just a few of the winners. hit up king's site to check out the rest. before i bounce, let me also give a shout out to the king himself, ddot. the cat didn't win any of his own awards, although he was nominated for several. now a brotha knows what the cast and crew of 'a color purple' felt like that year when they were nominated for nine academy awards and ain't take home shit. sorry celi...i mean, king. you get the award for royalty most likely to get kicked in the nuts by his own subjects. we still got love for you though. even if you weren't voted the best, i'm sure you know you're the best, as you make a point of telling us on the daily.

the token negro almost explodes

okay, so i'm usually a little more tolerant of ignorance. i mean, 80% of the folks i work with don't have a fucking clue (100% of management), so if i were to get upset every time someone pulls into stupidville for permanent residence i'd need to be institutionalized cuz i'd be going crazy every fucking day.

well, i finally hit my limit. i am no longer tolerant of ignorance when it encroaches upon my work time. i can no longer accept stupidity as an excuse for why folk act like they were lobotomized at birth.

i have finally reached that point where my face explodes into a look of 'are you insane???' of its own accord.

it was last week. one of the managers i work closely with stopped by my office to discuss a report i had submitted to him regarding a backlog of companies that were overdue for our services. al is a pretty cool dude, really. he's an older guy, an ex-peace corps hippie flower child who put down his gauntlet against 'the man' and instead chose to join 'the man's' ranks as a nameless, faceless peon, just like the rest of us punks. he's one of the few folk i actually converse with about stuff other than work. we've even played tennis together on numerous occasions. this isn't to say i don't think al is a little 'off'. see, al has a habit of hearing you but not really hearing you. he stares at you while you talk to him, his furrowed brow and intermittent nods at various intervals of the discussion fooling you into believing he's actually understanding what you're saying. he even repeats what you just said, which is supposed to be confirmation he understands what you just said. after you nod and breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to repeat yourself, he does the total complete opposite of what you just asked him to do.

GAWTDAMNIT.

so now that you know what i'm up against, i'll continue with the story. al is in my office with a report telling him about the companies we are overdue to assist. there is a list of the companies at the end of the report. he tells me he has looked at the list and can't locate half of the files for the companies on that list. i told him i'd look into it.

after doing my own research, i concluded that our consultants had the files. when he returned to my office later that day (thursday to be exact), i handed him the list.

"i've checked my database and i don't see any activity on these companies," i told him as i turned to my monitor, " therefore, you should check with the consultants to see if they've got the files and are just holding on to them."

i focused my attention on my monitor, which is my way of saying "now get the fuck out of my office." however, al missed the cue and stood there silently. i looked up to see he was deep in thought. deep in thought??? dude, there is nothing to think about! go check with the fucking consultants to see if they've got the fucking files! plain and simple, a to b, 2+2=4 and shit!

finally, after about three minutes of him thinking about god knows what, he finally speaks.

"i'll be back."

WHAT??? why the fuck would you have to come back? i've done my fucking job! stop fucking interrupting me!

i sighed loudly as he exited, knowing the day was just gonna go down from there but hoping he'd take the hint and at the very least hold off for at least three or four hours before bringing his ass back.

he didn't get that hint.

cuz an hour later, he's back in my doorway. my fingers were flying over the keys on the keyboard as i leaned forward to look into the monitor more closely. that's my "i don't see yo ass cuz i'm too fucking busy to deal with your bullshit so step the fuck away from my door" stance.

of course that shit didn't work.

"nikki, do you have time to run down this list to see what's going on with these files?"

i finally glanced up to see he was holding the paper i'd handed to him earlier in his hand. i could feel the plates begin to shift on my face as i fought for the self-control necessary to hold its eruption at bay.

"why would we need to run down the list, al?" i asked in a controlled manner, "remember, i told you earlier that any missing file from that list is probably with a consultant because i've already checked my records and there is nothing here to suggest otherwise."

silence.

my fingers restarted their assault on the keyboard as i turned my attention back to the monitor. he remained standing there, digesting the words i had slowly articulated to him as though he were a three year old child. see, i realized early on i have to spoon feed sentences to al a syllable at a time. i can't just talk as though he gets it. i've gotta space.out.each.word.carefully.giving.him.time.to.swallow.

well he was swallowing alright. swallowing and evidently spitting the shit out cuz he didn't get a damn thing i was telling him.

"so do you have time to go over this list?"

the plates started shifting faster as the lava began to build, the incendiary liquid scorching my skin as i painfully bit down on my tongue until i could taste blood. i took a deep breath, then sighed.

"al," i had the spoon in my hand ready to feed the big ass baby. "i've got a couple of really high-priority projects to work on right now. " then i paused for emphasis. "so i won't have time to assist you for at least another hour."

then i stared him down with that "now you know, so get the fuck out of my office so i can do some REAL FUCKING WORK." look on my face.

he understood that look.

"okay," he said, "just stop by my office when you're done."

gawtdamnit, but thursday is one of the busiest days for me. the only day MORE busy is friday. so when i was unable to get with him thursday afternoon, he comes to my office friday morning trying to hijack my time before i had even settled in for my longest day of the week. when i saw him approach, i inwardly groaned as the lava began unfurling within me to flow beneath the surface of my skin like an uncontrollable force of fucking "get the fuck away from me" fury.

i interrupted his ass before he even got the first word out.

"aiight al, let's look at the list."

he pulls in a chair, sits down, and places the list on the desk behind me. i turn around and we look at the list.

silence.

what the fuck are we doing here? this is a fucking waste of my fucking time you fucking idiot

those words were screaming from me, my mouth was pursed tightly as i fought to keep the words from spewing from me to engulf al in flames.

"so..." i started, "why are we looking at this list again?"

"because we've got to find these missing files."

silence.

i needed that silence. i needed that silence real bad because i was about to murder this guy right there in my office and the token negro don't get a'get out of jail free' pass. i drank greedily of that silence like it was a pint of 'da crown', gulping it down so that its effects would take hold quickly.

then i began to explain to him YETAFUCKINGGAIN that there was nothing i could do about the list at that point. i made a few token queries into my database like i was checking on something i had already checked on before, and an HOUR later, sent him on his fucking way. he would continue to interrupt me throughout the rest of the fucking day about this list, having me check again and again and me telling him again and again that all he needs to do is check with the consultants.

this goes on for another three days.

yesterday afternoon i decide to just fuck protocol and email the consultants myself to tell them we were looking for files. i told them to email me a list of the company files they've got in their offices.

needless to say, every fucking missing file was in the hand of one of the consultants. GAWTDAMNIT. all that bother for NOTHING.

i need to be the token negro in a new spot. this shit is getting old.

she really is something...

i was talking to a friend yesterday and he was telling me about how much of a chore it was for him to wake up in the morning. it was hard because life for him is difficult right now and he hasn't found anything to make him want to rise from his bed each day. i'm posting this because i know he'll see it. i want him to see why he should want to wake up each day.

i'm not a morning person. in fact, if i had a choice, i'd stay in bed until noon. unfortunately, i'd be unemployed cuz my job requires i get there by 7:30 a.m. so i drag myself out of bed when it's still dark, trying to convince myself that waking up so early in the friggin morning is a good thing. sometimes i succeed in the delusion, other times i fail. regardless, i'm waking up anyway. why? because ultimately, the beauty isn't found in the sunrise, it's found in the blessing of being able to wake up at all.

by the time i take a shower, dress, and am in my car headed to work, the sun is peeking over the horizon like an actress peeping through a break in the curtains to see how many folk have arrived to witness her performance. the sun blinds me at times on my ride into work, her shine signifying the beginning of a brand new days with brand new possibilities. i'm always trying to capture that shine on camera, eager to hold it somewhere like a fragile flame that could disappear into darkness with the first kiss of the wind. there are times when i pull over just to look at it. it's like staring at a rose and bearing witness to its journey from bud to full bloom. i don't do that often though, as i tend to leave my home minutes before i'm scheduled to be at work.

so i end up racing to the work and catching the sunrise from my office window.


the sky is but a sea of blue velvet upon which the sun unfurls its flame. i give the sky credit for maintaining its color despite the showy shimmer of the sun, which at times can be a vain schoolgirl as she attempts to usurp all other beauty for the sake of garnering more attention. if the sun only knew how the blue hues enhances her own allure, she probably wouldn't behave in such a manner.

she stands behind a building, the actress changing her costume for the final act. her modesty is fake, cuz she knows she's the biggest and brightest star in the galaxy. the atlanta skyline is left with a shadowed brow as it awaits her next move.

when she finally steps forward for the final act of her one woman show "the sun shall rise again" she has positioned herself perfectly, her light bursting through the diaphanous sheen of white cotton clouds like a diamond being squeezed from the bosom of black coal. she uses her stage to her advantage, a knowing smirk on her face as she shimmies her form onto the extended finger of atlanta's skyline. that girl sure knows how to play up her performance for the audience.

i stood by in the shadows, snapping photos with the hope of capturing some of her grace so that her radiance could be reflected in my moves. however, i am not really ensnaring any part of her really...i'm only holding onto the moment before it slips from my fingers to gather itself into the spirit of another soul who needs its presence.

but i have her shine for that moment. i savor it for the gift it is.

the more things change...

"go home nigger!"

the teenager had never heard the word directed towards her before, nor had she ever heard so much hatred flooding through a person's voice like a bitter and relentless deluge of antipathy crashing through the levy of her innocence. she glanced around nervously, afraid to make eye contact for fear of seeing the disgust pooling in their eyes, afraid that disgust was powerful enough to kill her where she stood.

this was her first march.

her mom, always one willing to protest against injustice and in particular, injustice against black people, had brought her and her younger brother here to this place. this place where hatred for her kind grew in acrid vines of animosity, weaving their way through skin and muscle to strangle the spirits of its inhabitants until every drop of tolerance had evaporated into fumes of acidic fury. the teenager bent her head to deflect the words being hurled at her from left and right, her eyes staring at the brown shoes encasing her toes now curled tightly in agitation.

it was a cold and grey day in january.


her school was intergrated. she and other black kids had been bussed in from black neighborhoods to attend a white school in a white neighborhood. nobody protested their presence then. when she stepped off the schoolbus that first day she was overwhelmed with terror as she stared wide-eyed at the tall structure. it was a glassy-eyed monster with menacing winged brows. its scaley skin of blood-red brick gleamed even brighter in the sun as the door to the entrance gaped wide like a dragon's mouth ready to spew fire onto the first person to walk into it. she had remained standing, her feet rooted to a spot just below the curving stairs, unwilling to become the dragon's first meal. eventually she was persuaded to enter after viewing others walking through the door with no flame incinerating them upon entry. her interaction with the white people there, save the one teacher who looked at her brown skin with disdain, would eventually have her looking at the school in a new way. the bricks became rose-hued, as did her view of the world.

"take that you dirty nigger!"

she was slapped out of her reverie by the force of a rock as it hit her in the side of the head, knocking her rose-hued glasses from her face to shatter upon impact with the pavement below. fear siezed her as she immediately huddled over, her hands covering her head as she scrambled to become invisible within the crush of bodies around her. her mom was yelling something towards the side of the road where the angry white people stood with confederate flags, her face contorted as she reached for the teen who had suddenly regressed into infancy, gathering her close to her bosom.

"did that rock hurt you?" her mom asked her as she pressed her fingers softly against the teenager's scalp, searching for a bump or a cut.

the teenager gulped, her eyes frantic as she stared back at her mother while she tried so hard to keep her agitation hidden.

"no," she whispered brokenly.

"don't worry about them, baby." her mom whispered back, trying to reassure her as she hugged her close before letting her go.

the teenager said nothing. as she watched her mom walk a few feet away to talk to one of her other friends who had come to join the march with them, all she could think about was leaving. she just wanted to go home. she wanted to go home and watch televsion where the world was perfect and everyone got along. she wanted to go to school and talk to her best friend, a white girl who could care less about the color of her skin. she didn't want to be reminded that people still hated her just because she was black.

she didn't want to be here.

'here' was cumming, georgia, 1987.

no sportscenter for a week, thank you very much.

what an utterly heartbreaking loss indy suffered. shit.
no ring for dungy. no super bowl win for peyton. shit.
no watching sportscenter or nfl primtime live or nfl matchup for the next week. SHIT.

battle at the bridge within nikki's body

my heart is a selfish organ. it wants what it wants, thinking little of the consequences of gaining what it wants. it yearns intimacy, burns with passion, spurns that which it does not want. it waxes poetic about what it should have but can't because of reasons that make no sense to it. it can be a child being denied a toy and it responds accordingly. it's in pain when it isn't stroked enough, it's vain in that it thinks all a brotha needs is its presence in his life, it's in direct opposition to my brain.

my brain is a rational organ. it thinks what it thinks, wanting little of the drama of gaining what the heart desires. it yearns connection, burns with cynicism, spurns that which does not challenge it. it is moved by facts but thrives on the possibilities, sometimes overtaxing itself as it tries to make sense out of that which makes no sense. it can be a child being denied a dictionary in favor of a picture book and it responds accordingly. it's smart-assed and makes no apologies for it, it's part arrogance and part fear at being wrong, it's in direct opposition to my heart.

these two organs of mine have been battling for six months. six months of wondering if i can hurt another with my absence because the heart is no longer fond. six months of wondering if my brain can continue to exist on so little daily nourishment. six months of my brain telling my heart with its cynical voice that the heart will never have what it desires and should settle for what it has because life isn't about what you want, it's about what you have and how you deal with it.

through all of this, my spirit sits on the sidelines quietly, shielding its light against the bitter breeze of the battle for it knows this is but one of many skirmishes. it must be the last one standing at the end of this war.

more observations about nu yawk from a southern gal

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