da beggin bastids...

it's 5:45 in the morning and i'm sitting at the red light pissed off cuz i'm sitting at a red light at 5:45 in the friggin morning. now to be fair, it's my own damn fault. i made myself get up so i could get to the gym cuz i knew i wouldn't be able to go later (dental appointment) and i've been dedicated to maintaining my schedule...but that's another story.

anyway, so it's 5:45 a.m. and i'm slouching in my seat, tiredly rubbing the sleep from my eyes as i await the turning of the light from red to green. the sun is still an hour away from rising so outside the car it's armpit dark. i'm always extra aware of my surroundings when it's that early in the morning. it's not like killers take off between the hours of 2 a.m. and 7 a.m. ya know? meanwhile, as i'm sitting there, i notice a shadow moving towards the driver side window of the car in front of me. my heart skips a beat as i immediately straightened my spine and strain my eyes to get a better look.

"what...is that...GET the fuck outta here!"

i rub my eyes and look again.

then the aberration turns and heads towards me. as my headlights slowly reveal the form floating to my window, i gasp, then quickly hit the button to close my window.

"dude, it's 5:45 in the fucking morning," i yelled, my words splattered upon the window in a muffled mess, "what the fuck you doing walking up on me like that? you could get cut the fuck up for some shit like that!"

a mothafuggin beggar? at 5:45 a.m.? what, is this a full-time gig for this cat? does he clock in? who VOLUNTARILY gets up at that time of morning? does he thinks he's gonna get funds from me on some ole "looky, he's up early...that's a hard worker for ya..." bullshit?

and what is he doing stepping up to my window when it's night outside? that's not just a no-no, that's a HELL no-no. that usually has car-jacking written all over it. i mean come on...don't he know better? first it's dark AND it's early as shit? the sun hasn't risen, hell, the birds ain't even chirping yet. they're still snuggled in their nests chillin and i'm at a red light being bothered by a homeless dude wanting money?

inopportune moment + irate audience = cuss out/grievous injury/murder.

he better be glad i wasn't packing anything more serious than a black.berry. he would have taken one to the gut fa sho.

this situation was reminiscent of another one...

it was like 3 a.m. and i was in bed with kufdub, tucked closely against his body as we floated in the afterglow of a long bout of carnal activity. my cousin had been calling nonstop for two hours...the first hour was to my mobile phone until i turned that shit off. then he was blowing up the home spot. i actually began to get a bit worried and my fear had me finally reaching for the phone.

"dante! is something wrong?" i questioned breathlessly as my heart beating double-time, "who died?!?"

"damn nikki," dante responded petulantly, "it's about time you answered your phone!"

i began hyperventilating a bit as kufdub grabbed my hand and squeezed lightly.

"DID.SOMEONE.DIE?!?" i screamed into the silence.

then a pause.

"naw girl," dante answered sheepishly, "nobody died. whatever gave you that idea?"

i pulled the receiver away from my face and stared at it with a mixture of fury and incredulity. i could feel kufdub's silent chuckle reverberate through his body.

"he needs money," kufdub mouthed against my neck. i rolled my eyes hard before placing the receiver back to my ear.

"dante," i growled, the anger squeezing each syllable, "please do not tell me you've been blowing up my phones cuz you need some money."

then a pause.

"well...now that you mention it..."

"dude, really. get out of here with that shit."

*click*

inopportune moment + irate audience = cuss out/grievous injury/murder.

he better be glad i wasn't close enough to kick him in the nuts, cuz i would have...twice. once for interruping my gawtdamn afterglow and once for getting me all worked up and scurred.


now there are some common features between both of these beggin bastids:

1. they're both black men. i refuse to believe being a black man has anything to do with this, but i gotta wonder...

3. they were both dumb enough to ask me for money after scaring me, then pissing me off. i think this has more to do with...

2. they're both broke.

being broke evidently makes many folk behave stupidly, which does nothing to assist them in their occupations as beggin bastids. therefore, my contribution to the betterment of mankind is as follows... i've come up with a list of dos/don'ts guaranteed not only maximize return on begging efforts, but to alleviate the aggravation many of us feel as a result of being assaulted by folk asking for our hard-earned funds.

i am hopeful this list will equip beggars with the tools/knowledge necessary for them to succeed at the endeavor of requesting funds (or at the very least, prevent fools from stepping to my car before dawn's crack is exposed.)

look for that in the next entry, whenever that is (see, i've learned my lesson. i ain't promising that shit tomorrow).

it's the fucking principle...

for the last week i've been trying to set up utilities in my new spot. initially it was with a ho-hum attitude. i mean, how hard could it possibly be to have gas, water, electric, internet, phone, and satellite/cable hooked up?

evidently this shit is harder than it was to free mandela, cuz i've had nothing but problems since i began this endeavor.

first off, is it just me, or is at&t quietly re-establishing itself as a monopoly again? someone please explain to me how the fuck at&t can buy bellsouth when it was forced to relinquish "bellsouth formerly known as at&t's southern regional office" twenty-five years ago because the government determined it was a monopoly?

so if a pimp is forced to give up his hoes cuz pimpin is against the law and the hoes change their job titles to "independent pussy contractors" and do their biz for a few years before the pimps buy them back, is the pimping no longer considered illegal? according to the government's logic, it shouldn't be. i'm gonna use the same logic when i buy back the weed the police confiscated from my back yard during the drug raid last week.

mind you, it wasn't a big deal with me until i was attempting to set up my local phone, internet, and satellite tv service. when that at&t/bellsouth deal initially went down a few years ago, i was slightly perturbed, but not truly disturbed. no, it wasn't until i was adding up the cost for my services that i took offense with at&t and their "hiding in plain sight" monopolizing tactics.

initially everything appeared to be aiight. i'm at at&t's website, and i'm starting to get excited cuz i see they've got the "bundle deal"...i can order the phone, internet, and tv service for one tidy lil sum. as a chick who hates having to pay bills, this was perfect for me.

first step is to choose the services i want...

local service - i choose the basic deal at 17.95 cuz all i want is local. i don't need all that bullshit stuff like caller id, call-waiting, *69 (okay really...what the fuck is caller id for then?), call-forwarding (i have a mobile phone...why in da hell would i EVER use this?!?) hell, the only reason i have local service is for the fax machine.

long distance - who needs that when i've got a mobile phone that gives it to me for free? i click "no"

internet - the fast but not the fastest shit at 37.95 cuz i want the streaming video. my flatscreen is attached to both the cpu and tv service, so i'm gonna check out online movies from netflix.

tv services - the ONLY reason i'm going with the 49.99 package is cuz it comes with the nfl network.

i get giddy cuz now i'm actually making some headway into getting prepared for the move next week. i click on the "purchase" button...

and these bastids tell me i have to purchase long distance.

what? hol up...why da hell would i need long distance if i have a cell phone that gives it to me for FUCKING FREE?!? that'd be like me buying dick when i have a boyfriend at home (meanwhile men everywhere are buying pussy in the streets with wifey at the crib, but i digress...)

i click on the long distance option just to see how audacious at&t is gonna be...i actually had to blink a few times, cuz i was sure i was seeing things.

they have a long distance plan alright...a TWO DOLLARS A MONTH AND TEN CENTS A MINUTE long distance plan.

what the fuck? oh, i get it...the two dollars is payment for the dry stick they plan to shove up my ass...and the ten cents a minute is for the actual shoving of said dry stick up my ass...got it.

oh HELL TO THE DOUBLE NAW THE FUCK THEY DIDN'T.

okay, i'm not getting at&t. i'm just not. it's the fucking principle of the damn thing.

only now, because of the damn near fucking monopoly they've got over atlanta local phone services, i can't find enough competitors with comparable rates. ironic...slavery ended over a century ago and yet i'm now enslaved to the price-fixing tactics of at&t. fugga dat. this runaway slave here is bouta escape over de hills into comcast territory...

GIVE US, US FREE, GAWTDAMNIT! GIVE US, US FREE!