i wasn't gonna do it, but i was sitting here thinking about how easy it would be for me to just wallow in self-pity or lament about everything going wrong right now. that's all the more reason for me to do a thankful thursday. i gotta hold onto what's good and find a positive thread within a negative blanket. so here goes...
thank you to god for continuing to watch over my granny as she begins her transition into the next phase of her existence.
thank you granny, for everything you have done, for the model of strength, wit, tenacity, and love you have been for me all my life. there will never been enough words to honor you. know my life is a tribute to you.
thank you aswad for being there for granny even though you miss your daughter terribly. i know it hurts you can't be near her, but know that this is but a brief interlude. you will be with your baby soon.
thank you mom for making me laugh, for listening to my fears, for motivating me to take better care of myself, for spending time with me.
thank you dad for sharing your pain with me, for finding a way to relate to what i'm going through, for building that connection even though it brought back bad memories for you.
thank you de ex for holding me when i needed to be held, for coaxing laughter from my lips when you knew i needed it most, for listening to me lament, for being strong when i couldn't be.
thank you sun for rising everyday, for forcing your light into my self-imposed darkness, for reminding me of the splendor of basking in your rays.
thank you ju.stin timbe.rlake for putting out one helluva cd that i've played damn near non-stop for the last month. your music has been a balm to my soul.
thank you blaque betty for continuing to run for me even though i haven't had your oil changed in over six thousand miles. you representing hon.da to the fullest. i'm gonna do a better job of taking care of you.
thank you gig o'mine for continuing to challenge me, forcing me to grow professionally and personally. my confidence continues to grow the longer i'm with you.
thank you blog fam for sticking around, for showing me love, for motivating me to continue to express myself. sharing myself and my experiences with you has been exhilarating, painful, happy, sad, uplifting, unbelievable and incredibly loving.
okay, so that last one sounded like i was saying goodbye. i'm not.
stay blessed folk.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
internal discussion
"why i gotta give him up?!?" her heart whined.
"i can tell he knows how to fuck! what the fuck are you DOING?!?" her pussy yelled desperately.
"he actually put two sentences together without using the phrase 'nowhatimean', said her brain matter-of-factly, " so i'm kinda partial towards him..."
but in the end, her instinct stepped in and silenced everybody. she'd been sitting in the corner quietly, sipping red kool aid through a swirly straw, her keds kicked up on the table in front of her, watching the battle with bemusement.
"look...," instinct said as she stepped between the waring factions, "didn't you hear what that guy just said? there ain't no getting around it. he ain't the one."
her heart, the selfish heffa she's always been, refused to accept what instinct had just told her.
"i don't care what he said!" she screamed frantically (she really was too melodramatic for her own good...), "i want him! don't you see how he's affecting me? i'm all fluttery! he's got me skipping around and shit! when's the last time a guy made me SKIP?"
pussy's lips twitched as she witnessed heart's dramatics. she quivered a little, trying to get a hold of her own reaction to the guy as she spoke.
"personally, i could give a shit what the dude says," she said sardonically, "so long as he knows how to speak in tongue."
brain noticed pussy frothing at the mouth, creamy liquid coating her lips. she hadn't seen that in a long time and after all these years it still had the ability to gross her out. she whipped out a hanky and handed it to pussy.
"wipe that shit offa your lips, ya nasty bastid..."
"you must have me confused with asshole, cuz i don't ever EVER have shit on THESE lips."
"you know what the fuck i mean," replied brain as she stared pointedly at the cream glistening pussy's mouth.
"at this point i'm willing to let what he said slide," brain responded wearily as she turned to the others,"i'm tired of pussy's dry attitude. her dissatisfaction is taking all of the fun out of my daily existence. i can't hear myself think as long as she stays crunchy like that."
heart, pussy, and brain all looked expectantly at instinct, hopeful she could resolve the matter. instinct sighed. why am i always the one asked to make the final decision? sometimes these broads can be idiots.
"i'm tired of always fighting with you three. i've told you how i feel about the matter," instinct finallly replied with frustration as she turned and headed back to her chair, "you figure this shit out for yourselves."
she plopped herself into the chair and glared at the others silently.
"why is she so upset?" heart asked the two who were left standing near her.
"because nikki rarely listens to her, that's why," said brain with a smug note to her voice.
"what are you talking about? she's all nikki's been listening to lately! " replied pussy derisively as she tossed a bitter glance in intinct's direction, " it's because of that instinct heffa that i haven't been getting any lately."
"don't get that shit twisted," instinct yelled at them from the corner after overhearing pussy's complaint, "nikki ain't listening to my ass. if she did, she'd have left this cat right after he said what he said."
instinct sighed. she was used to this shit by now and yet everytime it happened her frustration grew. why couldn't nikki get her shit together? why did it seem like every time she was about to listen to instinct she punked out and ended up listening to one of those other broads? why did nikki always have her on call when she never bothered actually adhering to what she said? she continued to brood as she sipped on her kool aid, never completely taking her attention off of the conversation nikki was having with dude.
"somebody find courage and have her make nikki ask dude to clarify his statement about eating me," demanded pussy, "cuz if he means what i think he means then i'm with instinct...nikki needs to cut his ass NOW."
instinct snickered. brain bristled. heart gasped.
"when's the last time you've seen courage?," brain asked disdainfully, "that chick has been a fucking ghost lately. most recently i saw her retreating back as she fled the scene right after that movie started. nikki ended up looking like a punk that night. i mean come ON...who's afraid of scooby doo?!?"
"evidently nikki is, thanks to courage's disappearing act," heart answered with a giggle, "i still remember her putting her hands in front of her face when the ghoul was chasing after shaggy."
they all laughed at that.
"i'm sayin," continued pussy as though she hadn't been interrupted, "for once i'd like nikki to consider MY feelings."
brain, instinct, and heart stared at her in disbelief. pussy stared back but remained silent.
"puleeze!" heart exclaimed, "she gives you attention at least once every day!"
"and twice on weekends," added brain.
"yeah," pussy's tone was drowned in sarcasm, "i either get assaulted by a couple of fingers tipped with jagged nails or have my mouth stuffed with an overused rubber dildo. a dildo i might add, that tastes like someone dipped it in shit."
"is nikki sticking 'stroker ace' in her ass now?!?"instincts eyes widened incredulously, "cuz i could have sworn she didn't like that anal mess..."
"desperation stopped through last week," pussy said by way of explanation.
"OHHHHH," the other three responded knowingly.
"either way, you still get better treatment than we do," instinct instigated.
"meanwhile nikki hasn't been in school in MONTHS," brain retorted.
"and she hasn't been in love in YEARS," heart wailed.
"and she hasn't...hold up, why the hell are we fussing with pussy?, instinct muttered with exasperation, "y'all know she selfish. she don't care about anything but her own pleasure."
"...and nikki needs a fucking manicure for REAL," said pussy, ignoring instinct.
brain, instinct, and heart glared at pussy. pussy shrugged.
after rolling her eyes, brain half-heartedly returned her concentration to the conversation nikki was having with dude.
"i'm starting to think perhaps instinct is right," said brain after a thought, "cuz if this brotha had any kind of conversation i'd be too busy to engage in this farce of an argument with you three."
heart sighed. she knew her last chance had been brain. with the three of them against her, she didn't stand a chance.
"stop pouting, heart," instinct said as she put her arm around heart's shoulders, "there will be other chances for nikki to fall in love. i can feel it."
heart began to weep softly. pussy shook her head in disgust.
"you're pathetic, you know that heart?"
"i can't help it," she cried brokenly, "i just want to be in love sooooo bad..."
"and i want a guy with a tongue that knows me better than i know myself," pussy responded with a pinch to her mouth, "but we can't all have what we want, now can we?"
"shut up pussy," instinct barked as she continued to console heart.
"at this point i'm ready to tell nikki to go home and masturbate so she can shut pussy the fuck up," said brain as she scowled at pussy.
"ALRIGHT!" pussy exclaimed, "i'll shut up! i'm tired of her fingers fucking with me!"
brain and instinct exchanged glances. heart stopped weeping. then there was silence. all four began to intently listen to nikki's conversation with dude.
"hold up...did he just say he was a washington redskins fan?!?" asked heart.
"yup," answered brain.
"oh HELL NAH!," yelled heart, "DON'T GIVE HIM THE NUMBER NIKKI!"
even heart has her standards...
[nikki, having heard her heart speak, responds accordingly]
"it was nice talking to you, but i don't think i should give you my number..." said nikki slowly.
"why not?" he asked.
nikki starts to hesitate...
[back inside]
"somebody find courage's ass PLEASE before we end up having to dodge this negro's phone calls for the next month!"
"i can tell he knows how to fuck! what the fuck are you DOING?!?" her pussy yelled desperately.
"he actually put two sentences together without using the phrase 'nowhatimean', said her brain matter-of-factly, " so i'm kinda partial towards him..."
but in the end, her instinct stepped in and silenced everybody. she'd been sitting in the corner quietly, sipping red kool aid through a swirly straw, her keds kicked up on the table in front of her, watching the battle with bemusement.
"look...," instinct said as she stepped between the waring factions, "didn't you hear what that guy just said? there ain't no getting around it. he ain't the one."
her heart, the selfish heffa she's always been, refused to accept what instinct had just told her.
"i don't care what he said!" she screamed frantically (she really was too melodramatic for her own good...), "i want him! don't you see how he's affecting me? i'm all fluttery! he's got me skipping around and shit! when's the last time a guy made me SKIP?"
pussy's lips twitched as she witnessed heart's dramatics. she quivered a little, trying to get a hold of her own reaction to the guy as she spoke.
"personally, i could give a shit what the dude says," she said sardonically, "so long as he knows how to speak in tongue."
brain noticed pussy frothing at the mouth, creamy liquid coating her lips. she hadn't seen that in a long time and after all these years it still had the ability to gross her out. she whipped out a hanky and handed it to pussy.
"wipe that shit offa your lips, ya nasty bastid..."
"you must have me confused with asshole, cuz i don't ever EVER have shit on THESE lips."
"you know what the fuck i mean," replied brain as she stared pointedly at the cream glistening pussy's mouth.
"at this point i'm willing to let what he said slide," brain responded wearily as she turned to the others,"i'm tired of pussy's dry attitude. her dissatisfaction is taking all of the fun out of my daily existence. i can't hear myself think as long as she stays crunchy like that."
heart, pussy, and brain all looked expectantly at instinct, hopeful she could resolve the matter. instinct sighed. why am i always the one asked to make the final decision? sometimes these broads can be idiots.
"i'm tired of always fighting with you three. i've told you how i feel about the matter," instinct finallly replied with frustration as she turned and headed back to her chair, "you figure this shit out for yourselves."
she plopped herself into the chair and glared at the others silently.
"why is she so upset?" heart asked the two who were left standing near her.
"because nikki rarely listens to her, that's why," said brain with a smug note to her voice.
"what are you talking about? she's all nikki's been listening to lately! " replied pussy derisively as she tossed a bitter glance in intinct's direction, " it's because of that instinct heffa that i haven't been getting any lately."
"don't get that shit twisted," instinct yelled at them from the corner after overhearing pussy's complaint, "nikki ain't listening to my ass. if she did, she'd have left this cat right after he said what he said."
instinct sighed. she was used to this shit by now and yet everytime it happened her frustration grew. why couldn't nikki get her shit together? why did it seem like every time she was about to listen to instinct she punked out and ended up listening to one of those other broads? why did nikki always have her on call when she never bothered actually adhering to what she said? she continued to brood as she sipped on her kool aid, never completely taking her attention off of the conversation nikki was having with dude.
"somebody find courage and have her make nikki ask dude to clarify his statement about eating me," demanded pussy, "cuz if he means what i think he means then i'm with instinct...nikki needs to cut his ass NOW."
instinct snickered. brain bristled. heart gasped.
"when's the last time you've seen courage?," brain asked disdainfully, "that chick has been a fucking ghost lately. most recently i saw her retreating back as she fled the scene right after that movie started. nikki ended up looking like a punk that night. i mean come ON...who's afraid of scooby doo?!?"
"evidently nikki is, thanks to courage's disappearing act," heart answered with a giggle, "i still remember her putting her hands in front of her face when the ghoul was chasing after shaggy."
they all laughed at that.
"i'm sayin," continued pussy as though she hadn't been interrupted, "for once i'd like nikki to consider MY feelings."
brain, instinct, and heart stared at her in disbelief. pussy stared back but remained silent.
"puleeze!" heart exclaimed, "she gives you attention at least once every day!"
"and twice on weekends," added brain.
"yeah," pussy's tone was drowned in sarcasm, "i either get assaulted by a couple of fingers tipped with jagged nails or have my mouth stuffed with an overused rubber dildo. a dildo i might add, that tastes like someone dipped it in shit."
"is nikki sticking 'stroker ace' in her ass now?!?"instincts eyes widened incredulously, "cuz i could have sworn she didn't like that anal mess..."
"desperation stopped through last week," pussy said by way of explanation.
"OHHHHH," the other three responded knowingly.
"either way, you still get better treatment than we do," instinct instigated.
"meanwhile nikki hasn't been in school in MONTHS," brain retorted.
"and she hasn't been in love in YEARS," heart wailed.
"and she hasn't...hold up, why the hell are we fussing with pussy?, instinct muttered with exasperation, "y'all know she selfish. she don't care about anything but her own pleasure."
"...and nikki needs a fucking manicure for REAL," said pussy, ignoring instinct.
brain, instinct, and heart glared at pussy. pussy shrugged.
after rolling her eyes, brain half-heartedly returned her concentration to the conversation nikki was having with dude.
"i'm starting to think perhaps instinct is right," said brain after a thought, "cuz if this brotha had any kind of conversation i'd be too busy to engage in this farce of an argument with you three."
heart sighed. she knew her last chance had been brain. with the three of them against her, she didn't stand a chance.
"stop pouting, heart," instinct said as she put her arm around heart's shoulders, "there will be other chances for nikki to fall in love. i can feel it."
heart began to weep softly. pussy shook her head in disgust.
"you're pathetic, you know that heart?"
"i can't help it," she cried brokenly, "i just want to be in love sooooo bad..."
"and i want a guy with a tongue that knows me better than i know myself," pussy responded with a pinch to her mouth, "but we can't all have what we want, now can we?"
"shut up pussy," instinct barked as she continued to console heart.
"at this point i'm ready to tell nikki to go home and masturbate so she can shut pussy the fuck up," said brain as she scowled at pussy.
"ALRIGHT!" pussy exclaimed, "i'll shut up! i'm tired of her fingers fucking with me!"
brain and instinct exchanged glances. heart stopped weeping. then there was silence. all four began to intently listen to nikki's conversation with dude.
"hold up...did he just say he was a washington redskins fan?!?" asked heart.
"yup," answered brain.
"oh HELL NAH!," yelled heart, "DON'T GIVE HIM THE NUMBER NIKKI!"
even heart has her standards...
[nikki, having heard her heart speak, responds accordingly]
"it was nice talking to you, but i don't think i should give you my number..." said nikki slowly.
"why not?" he asked.
nikki starts to hesitate...
[back inside]
"somebody find courage's ass PLEASE before we end up having to dodge this negro's phone calls for the next month!"
Monday, March 26, 2007
monday musings
i wonder how long i will be able to keep this up... (re: writing in this damn blog)
how can you be up by ten with seven minutes to go and fucking LOSE?!? (re: tarheels loss to g'town)
he is gorgeous. for real. (re: the guy working the zestos drive-thru)
that movie SUCKED (re: norbit)
i'm digging this shit here. we're gonna have to come back! (re: saturday excursion to drive-in to see aforementioned sucky movie norbit)
i just want to be deepstroked damnit (re: me telling him on saturday we were gonna get down and dirty before the weekend was out)
what am i thinking?!? he can't give me what i want... (re: me thinking about him giving me some dick after i told him i wanted it)
i wonder how big his dick is (re: me contemplating what the drive-thru zestos guy has in his pants)
i'm soooooo tired of this shit (re: me masturbating)
i can smell it on your breath (re: liquor on my mom's breath)
how can i change the subject without straight asking "how come you always talk so negatively?!?" (re: while listening to my mom lament about my dad)
SHUT UP (re: ten minutes later when momz was STILL lamenting about dad)
i still love you though (re: five seconds after that)
but really, this subject is killing me mom (re: five seconds after that)
i'm in target buying underwear with my mom...what kind of shit is this? (re: while standing in the intimate apparel section of target with mom)
what the fuck? (re: after my mom tells me "you need the high cut ones to cover your tummy baby")
so there! (re: after telling mom "if a brotha's seeing my naked tummy he's probably not paying attention to that particular feature at that point...")
you look browbeaten dude (re: after seeing my dad at the 'rents house)
my name is bennett and don't involve me in this shit here (re: after watching my 'rents disagree on yet one more thing)
if this is what happens to married folk after almost thirty years, i see why folk divorce after three (re: five minutes later when my 'rents were STILL disgruntled about their disagreement)
is he watching porn in front of me?!? (re: after looking at the television screen and seeing naked skin...and then seeing my dad sitting there watching it like he'd never seen titties and ass before)
hold up dude...i don't want to have this conversation with you (re: dad's fascination with 'the l word' and his sudden desire to discuss that show with me)
i hope you're not sporting a chubby right now talking to me about this (re: ten minutes into conversation about 'the l word')
i will not look! i will NOT look! I WILL NOT LOOK! (re: checking dad's crotch cuz really, he was getting just a bit hype over his love for that show and i was getting totally grossed out at him being so hype over it...and talking to ME about it.)
i swear but parents should be banned from discussing anything of a sexual nature with their kids, no matter HOW old the kids are (re: nine minutes later when this man was STILL discussing 'the l word')
FUCKING *WHEW* (re: he let me lead him away from that topic with discussion on the final four match ups)
man, FUCK you tarheels (a minute later when i remembered my team lost...after being up by ten with seven minutes to play)
how can you be up by ten with seven minutes to go and fucking LOSE?!? (re: tarheels loss to g'town)
he is gorgeous. for real. (re: the guy working the zestos drive-thru)
that movie SUCKED (re: norbit)
i'm digging this shit here. we're gonna have to come back! (re: saturday excursion to drive-in to see aforementioned sucky movie norbit)
i just want to be deepstroked damnit (re: me telling him on saturday we were gonna get down and dirty before the weekend was out)
what am i thinking?!? he can't give me what i want... (re: me thinking about him giving me some dick after i told him i wanted it)
i wonder how big his dick is (re: me contemplating what the drive-thru zestos guy has in his pants)
i'm soooooo tired of this shit (re: me masturbating)
i can smell it on your breath (re: liquor on my mom's breath)
how can i change the subject without straight asking "how come you always talk so negatively?!?" (re: while listening to my mom lament about my dad)
SHUT UP (re: ten minutes later when momz was STILL lamenting about dad)
i still love you though (re: five seconds after that)
but really, this subject is killing me mom (re: five seconds after that)
i'm in target buying underwear with my mom...what kind of shit is this? (re: while standing in the intimate apparel section of target with mom)
what the fuck? (re: after my mom tells me "you need the high cut ones to cover your tummy baby")
so there! (re: after telling mom "if a brotha's seeing my naked tummy he's probably not paying attention to that particular feature at that point...")
you look browbeaten dude (re: after seeing my dad at the 'rents house)
my name is bennett and don't involve me in this shit here (re: after watching my 'rents disagree on yet one more thing)
if this is what happens to married folk after almost thirty years, i see why folk divorce after three (re: five minutes later when my 'rents were STILL disgruntled about their disagreement)
is he watching porn in front of me?!? (re: after looking at the television screen and seeing naked skin...and then seeing my dad sitting there watching it like he'd never seen titties and ass before)
hold up dude...i don't want to have this conversation with you (re: dad's fascination with 'the l word' and his sudden desire to discuss that show with me)
i hope you're not sporting a chubby right now talking to me about this (re: ten minutes into conversation about 'the l word')
i will not look! i will NOT look! I WILL NOT LOOK! (re: checking dad's crotch cuz really, he was getting just a bit hype over his love for that show and i was getting totally grossed out at him being so hype over it...and talking to ME about it.)
i swear but parents should be banned from discussing anything of a sexual nature with their kids, no matter HOW old the kids are (re: nine minutes later when this man was STILL discussing 'the l word')
FUCKING *WHEW* (re: he let me lead him away from that topic with discussion on the final four match ups)
man, FUCK you tarheels (a minute later when i remembered my team lost...after being up by ten with seven minutes to play)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
i don't usually get church up in here...
but i had to put this up. i had to share this with folk who haven't seen it. every time i see this i'm moved to tears. i'm reminded of the faith that lives within me no matter what. i'm reminded of the unconditional love i receive every day. i'm reminded of how grateful i am for being here. kelly sang this song like god was right there in the audience, folk.
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