Thursday, October 09, 2008

idiot in bold

this has been one of those surreal weeks i keep thinking isn't really happening because shit is too crazy for it to be reality.

for the record, i'm required to tell you folk my celibacy is officially over, at least for the time being. he made a point of looking at the blog this week to see if i would mention the fact that he blew my back out, so here's the requisite "he blew my back out" statement.

aiight, back to regular programming...

so as i said, this week has been one of those crazy weeks. it began with the 'blow out' session sunday morning, followed with an immediate case of 'catching feelings' ignited by the intense nature of said session along with the fact that nikki really hadn't had it put on her like that in...okay, to tell how long is to really tell on myself, but safe to say it had been more than a hot minute...try hot decade...

so i caught feelings...was thinking about this cat all day sunday, into monday morning, into monday evening enroute to the roots concert...

5:12 p.m.: i'll be at the roots concert tonight so u won't be able to reach me 4 a few hours. starts at 7:30.

5:57 p.m.: oh. uh-huh

5:59 p.m.: i knew that was coming. that's why i'm taking photos

6:09 p.m.: flirting & out & about - ok then

6:12 p.m.: i told u how i felt about u. that hasn't changed. however, i can't bank that u feel as strongly as i do. i can't cut myself off based on 'maybe'.

6:42 p.m.: oh, so guess u still want 2 see others then.

6:44 p.m.: HELL nah. not even a little bit.

6:48 p.m.: well then, just don't date other guys and/or accept their advances and it'll be all good!

7:02 p.m.: i had no intentions of doing so. however, you're asking me to place alot of faith in this situation when u aren't even sure u want to be with me.

[okay, what's taking this mofo so long to answer me?!?!?]

7:35 p.m.: enjoy the show then & u be good!

[nice sidestep, shawty...]

7:38 p.m.: i'm always good

7:38 p.m.: i mean BEHAVE!!!

7:39 p.m.: i always behave

so now i'm at the concert venue, lounging in a chair, nursing a second pale ale and simmering on all the signs from the weekend letting me know i done fucked up by fucking this cat...

when the unthinkable happened...

7:53 p.m.: u thinkin bout me?

8:06 p.m.: it's obvious you aren't as into me as i'm into u so i'm gonna let u do u. it's aiight. i had a great time this weekend. thanks for that.

8:15 p.m.: what the f u talking about? why folk always gotta be jumping 2 conclusions? can i get a minute 2 breathe here?

8:19 p.m.: i am being totally unreasonable, i admit it. however, it's quite simple. if i was still making myself available romantically to others after this weekend, u would question my sincerity. either u feeling me or u not. there shouldn't be doubt there.

8:21 p.m.: i worked today. i am trying 2 nap 4 a bit now. please chill! please give me a minute here!

8:22 p.m.: u said it yourself. u know early if u want to be with someone and u don't waste time. i don't want to get hurt. i like u too much.

8:25 p.m.: i like u too! i didn't mean like a day or two. i meant i know after a few months of dating someone.

8:30 p.m.: okay. that's cool. like i said. i know i'm being unreasonable. i don't fall often but i do fall hard. i'm sure you're protective of your feelings too. no one wants to be open for rejection. i rather just end it before that happens.

8:33 p.m.: u wanting 2 end it already so u don't get hurt???

8:37 p.m.: i don't want to end it. i'm sayin it's hard for me to be cool when i feel so vulnerable towards u. i'm sure u have ended a situation before if u thought they were just hanging onto u until something else showed up.

8:42 p.m.: u just hanging onto me until something else comes along? what?

8:45 p.m.: no. i'm saying that if u felt that was the case, u would end it before u were rejected. in my case, i have no guarantee you're not dating or pursuing other women, so i have to wonder if i'm the one u r holding onto until something better comes along.

8:52 p.m.: of course i'm feeling u!-geez- can i get a minute to breathe here? i'm tired. call u tomorrow.

9:24 p.m.: of course i'm feeling u-geez-can i get a minute to breathe here? i'm tired. call u tomorrow.

9:26 p.m.: i got the message. i'm stepping back so u can get your moment to breathe. talk to u tomorrow.

aiight, a few questions of an immediate nature popped into my head after this exchange:

1. what in the FUCK were you thinking?!? you have NEVER engaged in the act of tipsy texting! you laugh at OTHER PEOPLE who tipsy text!

2. WHERE IN THE GAWTDAMN DID YOUR SWAGGER GO?!? come on...the sex was spectacular but ain't no friggin way you should have let it steal your swagger so easily. this cat got you acting like jill scott in 'insomnia'...changing you from a woman of substance into a woman sheer from insanity!

3. really nikki...why did you fuck him? i know you said you just wanted to take the edge off of the horniness but THIS is the reason you don't do casual sex. if it's bad, you can walk away. however, if it's good...he gotta beat you off with a 'get up offa me bitch' stick...after the pepper spray and taser don't work.

4. what you gonna say to him later? i suggest it be something along the lines of "some chick just grabbed my crackberry and started texting you. by the time i got it back from her, she'd said all kinds of crazy shit to you. i would apologize for what was said, but it wasn't me, so no apology is necessary, right?" if that doesn't work, tell him you have multiple personality disorder cuz you damn sure acted like a crazy heffa.

5. do you even want him like that? sure, it wasn't just the sex that made him appealing. so dude is smart, well-read, funny, quirky, and you have all kinds of things in common on top of the fact that he's highly sexual. look how he got you acting? is he bringing out the best in you or the worst in you? it looks like he got you feeling more than a little insecure about yourself, and that ain't NEVER good. NOBODY gets that kind of power, sista. you betta recognize and hold firm to your beliefs about yourself. if this is how things are gonna go, then no matter how good the sex is or how many things you might have in common, you gonna have to bounce up outta there.

6. do you like yourself right about now? i'm guessing that's a no. go back to question number five and think about that one again...aiight, now reflect on it ONE MO TIME.

7. you're talking to yourself AND answering. NIKKI, YOU ACTING CRAZY! this means you're probably dealing with what is commonly referred to as cocaine dick, an adicktion affuckting alot of females (unfortunately administered by only a small number of dick dealers being reused among the chickenheads). the only known cure for this is to run in the opposite direction AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

8. what in da hell is 'this'?!? what is there to end when there ain't nothing started?!?

later that evening dude (from here on known as redrum cuz he had me flipping over killer dick) and i spoke on the tipsy texting incident and ultimately laughed about it, albeit in that slightly uncomfortable way, kinda like when a friend tells a joke that's offensive instead of funny but you don't wanna call him/her out on it so you give the weak laugh hoping he/she see it wasn't funny without you having to tell him/her so.

we still don't really know what's up. he gets jealous if i'm talking to other guys, but he isn't ready to 'make this official' and frankly, neither am i. on the other hand, he doesn't want me dating other guys until we know what's up with us and i'm not much of a fan of the 'wait and see' thing. man...i long for the days of emotional detachment when i could literally love 'em and leave 'em cuz i knew from jump i wasn't gonna let myself get close.

i can't even say i didn't see it coming. i'd been playing with fire for months. there was no way i was gonna keep working myself up before my defenses would melt beneath the heat of that need.

so now i gotta deal with the repercussions of my sudden move. we'll see what happens. in the meanwhile, i'll just sit back and savor those moments from this weekend past when i finally experienced physical intimacy and contemplate how i cheated myself, cuz it would have been so much better had the emotional intimacy been there, too.

i wonder if we can even get that now.