Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the truth about cats dating dogs

you two have been talking on the phone religiously for about a week now after meeting online and now the first date is set. you're a bit nervous because you really like this guy, even though you have a few reservations about him you choose not to acknowledge because he's cute according to the pictures you've seen of him. plus, he's been so attentive (well, as attentive as a guy on the phone can be). after all, he texts you a few times a day to find out what you're doing right before he calls. that means he cares what you're doing, right? so what if during many of the conversations he confuses cynicism with callousness. that means he's got an 'edge', and that goes ever so nicely with his high level of intelligence. so what if his curiosity about you doesn't extend much past asking questions he knows will make him sound as if he cares, i.e. "how was your day" or "what you doing"? if he wants to know more about you, he'll ask eventually, right? (one guy actually told me that recently when i asked him if he had any questions for me. needless to say, he didn't make the cut).

see, these are the kinds of things folk ignore, yet they're the most glaring evidence when it comes down to figuring out why first dates don't extend into second dates or relationships end early. dating again has provided its share of rejection as well as rejuvenation for me. the nikki from about fifteen years ago would have been sitting by the phone after the first horrible date, eagerly waiting for mr. bonehead to call. the nikki of today sees the signs way ahead of time and while she's still a bit slow with acknowledging incompatibility, it's only cuz shit...she's ready to fuck already...

so after some time in the field, i've come across some self-evident truths that need to be recognized. they're put in the easy to decipher "if...then" scenarios...

1. if the guy likes to make generalizations about the entire population of the human race, then he's probably a close-minded asshole. my most recent first (and last) date began quite dubiously with the following exchange:

him: people are stupid.
me to myself: i really hate when folk say shit like that...
me to him: how so?
him: people don't want the truth. they say they want the truth, but they can't handle the truth.
me to myself: i really like that scene when the judge was like "and the witness will address this court as Judge or Your Honor. i'm quite certain i've earned it." my panties were a lil wet after that...
me to him: what do you mean by that, colonel jessup?

he was not amused.

the point is, i still ended up making out with this guy, even though one of the first things he said to me on the first (and last) date had me thinking he wasn't 'the guy'. why? um, haven't you been reading? NIKKI IS READY TO FUCK.

wait...the OTHER point is that dude:

a. made a sweeping generalization and called everybody stupid.
b. he pulled out that 'truth' shit, which always irks me. when i eventually asked him what was the truth according to him, he gave me the blank stare.

meanwhile, the close-minded asshole STILL got to taste the nikki lips. i have simply GOT to be more discriminating...

2. if he says he's 'selective' when it comes to women, then it's best to assume he's talking about the women he selects to be his girlfriend/wifey, not the women he selects to fuck. col. jessup told me he had high standards when it came to choosing his women, i guess with the delusion that i would somehow feel better about myself because he had chosen me to date. when the petting got to the stage where the question of sex came into play, he was like "my animal instinct is taking over."

me to myself: what are you, a transformer?
me to him: i'm attracted to you, too. however, you know i don't do casual sex. you told me you were selective.
him: i am, but sometimes my animal instinct just takes over.

me: aiight, bumblebee.

again, he was not amused.

the thing is, i should have seen that one coming because of the conversation we'd had about a day prior to the date:

me: you know, some women out there are naive enough to believe that when a guy invites her to his house at night, he's not gonna rape her if she says no to sex. they shouldn't be punished for being naive.
him: but the odds are he's gonna try her if she's there. she shouldn't be over there. it's almost like she's asking for it if she is.
me: so you're saying men don't have the wherewithall to control themselves? that's utter bullshit. if that's the case, i should never be alone with a guy ever cuz i might get raped.
him: if she doesn't want him trying to fuck her, she doesn't need to be at his house alone with him.
me: so folk can't kiss cuz kissing is automatic foreplay to fucking.
him: i'm saying the odds are against her not getting fucked.

there are like fifty billion clues right there in that one exchange, yet i still found myself at his house on my back with my bra unfastened.

speaking of which...

3. if he was the one who unfastened your bra yet doesn't at least offer to help you refasten it, then you're dealing with a selfish and/or non-attentive lover who will not listen to you when you say "move it a lil over there" and/or will fall asleep as soon as he's got his, whether you get yours or not. this one simply cannot be overlooked. it's the equivalent of a guy telling you he just shaved off all his pubic hair to get rid of the crabs. act like you know and respond accordingly (which is the equivalent of getting the fuck OUT of there). as i stood in col. jessup's bathroom straightening my bra, i berated myself for allowing it to get that far when the misgivings had pricked my skin until my attraction for him had bled out.

4. if, after the date and make out session, he says "i'll call you." then it's a 99.9% chance he's not gonna call. come on, you know what's up. if a guy is still interested, he'll be like "call me when you get home." shit, he might even call you as soon as you leave from in front of him. however, when he says "i'll call you" what he's really saying is "don't hold your breath." that's what col. jessup said to me and i knew that was the last time i'd be seeing him. what's so funny is that i actually felt bad he rejected me, despite the fact there had been numerous moments throughout our association where i was practically smacked in the mouth with our incompatibility. in fact, i was sure i wouldn't want him to call me. however, i wanted to be the one to reject him, not vice versa.

which reminds me...

5. if you're thinking during the phone/online conversations that you're not a good match, then don't let his physical attractiveness (or your horniness) cloud the issue by meeting him in person. i don't think this is applicable to all situations, but there are times when what a sista needs to do is walk away. phone conversations happen for a reason. there is a high level of information exchanged...desires, beliefs, ideas...all crammed into conversations for the purpose of either confirming or denying compatibility. don't dismiss that info and bank everything on the actual meeting just cuz he's cute. when you hear that voice in your head say "well, that's not cool but i can live with it i think..." or "i'm gonna change his mind about that..." then you already working from a deficit. just know you won't be able to live with it and you won't be able to change his mind. if you meet in person and the physical attraction is strong, you'll have even more incentive for getting with a guy you know isn't right for you. physical attraction doesn't equal compatibility.

as i lay in my bed at the end of that night, having already deleted col. jessups number from my phone, my ego stumbled through the many potholes of my poor decision-making that day, leaving it both chagrined and bruised.

but perhaps a bit wiser.

and me a whole lot hornier.