Thursday, September 11, 2008

reclamation of september 11 for its original purpose...

dear lil bro,

loving you hasn't always been easy. being thirteen months apart in age didn't automatically make us close as kids.when you first hit the scene, all i knew was i was no longer gonna be the center of attention and i was having none of it. i can admit to this now that we're adults...yeah, that was me hiding your diapers in the trash. i loved to watch you cry out in discomfort cuz you were waiting for someone to change you. it made my lil toddler heart leap with joy. plus it had the double benefit of making you stink so much, no one would want to hold you. yes, i was a nefarious lil thing even at the age of two.

you have to admit it though, you deserved it. you were just too damn cute for your own good. i used to hate looking at you because i had to begrudgedly admit you were one of the cutest kids on the block (behind me of course). you had that smooth dark chocolate skin and those big ole baby cheeks that made you look like you were always blowing bubbles. i used to look into those soulful brown eyes of yours and think to myself "i really wish i could kill you and get away with it..."

yeah, you were adorable and i couldn't STAND yo ass.

well, let me rephrase that...i didn't really like you, but for some reason i had a really big issue with other people teasing you. remember when you were in first grade and i had to kick that dude ricky's ass because he called you midget cuz you were so short? never mind the fact that i laughed when he said it (i thought everything that boy said was funny). when i saw you burst into tears though, i think i blacked out or something cuz next thing i know, i'm standing over ricky's sprawled ass on the grass and he's got a busted lip with blood all on his shirt. i'd had a crush on ricky, too. you were ALREADY cock-blocking a sista.

and it was sooooo your fault i got those thirteen stitches in my leg at seven. i know it was my idea to put the hamster cage in the bathroom so he could watch us take a bath. however, i'm pretty sure i wasn't the one who suggested leaping over said cage into the bathtub. you better be glad i didn't get a spanking for that. that's the only thing that saved you from feeling some serious big sister wrath.

remember when i was molested and you blamed me for it? yeah...not cool. however, you were only six when it happened so it's not like you knew any better. unfortunately, it took me a number of years before i got over the guilt from that and it took even longer for me to trust you with my spirit again.

thank you for apologizing for it when you got older.

then there was the time we were running down that really steep hill and i tripped over a rock and fell and cut my hand really deeply. i was all dusty and crying and bleeding...and you were laughing your ass off. you told me you were laughing at spi.derman...i still don't believe yo ass.
i used to hate/love how you'd fall in love with a line from a movie and then commence to repeating that sucka for at least the following six months. i hated it when it was "braxton...get out the car...go home..."(r.i.p. richard and robert) and loved it when it was "HOLY MOLY! IT'S THE KILLER!" (r.i.p. scatman) or "redrum...redrum...redum...redRUM...REDRUM! REDRUM!" (you know that movie STILL scares the shit outta me).

no, it was not a good look when you kicked me in the head and knocked me unconscious. mom and dad took you out of karate class after that. i really enjoyed being able to truly terrorize your ass for the next eight years without any fear of repercussions from you after the 'rents said you couldn't hit me no matter the circumstances. that was like being able to commit all kinds of crimes and having a 'get out of jail free' card to bail me out every time. sweeeeeeet.

your favorite phrase to me when we were growing up was "IMMA TELL MOMMA!" and yo ass would tell, too. meanwhile, you were right there with me doing the dirt, but i was the one who got in trouble cuz i lured you into doing the dirt with me. i felt, even at that age, that i was being treated mightily unfair. come on, you should have gotten the strap for being so fucking gullible! folk shouldn't be rewarded for being sheep led off the cliff.

i still get hot when i think about that time you told mom i was up the street kissing marcus. damn, a thirteen-year old got NEEDS. marcus was the love of my life that week and it was soooo not a good look when mom came and snatched my fast ass out of his driveway. it took me WEEKS to live that one down at school.

then again, turned out marcus couldn't kiss worth a shit, so i guess you helped me out. good lookin', kid.

you were good for looking out when i was still the young girl growing into her body. i remember you giving the mean mug to all those dirty old men and filthy young men who were eyeing me as i made my way down the street. you, still about a foot and a half shorter than me, barking like an angry lil puppy and snapping at their feet if they dared look at me like 'that'. you were such a fearless little thing and so very protective of me.

i know you didn't really like it when i beat down those two guys who were messing with you on the basketball court when you were eleven, but surely you didn't expect me to sit back and let them push you around, right? i mean, i was all for knocking you around every now and again just to keep shit honest, but that's a right reserved to big sisters! meanwhile, i still can't believe i took them both out, but you started whimpering and it was a wrap. next thing you know, i'm stomping them both in the ground like dust. luckily i didn't have a crush on either one of those ugly mofos.

and then there was the christmas of my fourteenth year i wasn't supposed to get not one gift because i had gone behind mom's back to be in the class play after i'd been caught forging my report card. i was sooo not looking forward to that morning and the propect of finding nothing for me under the tree. i remember waking up that morning and finding the teddy bear you bought me with your own money, just so i would have one gift on christmas. it was indeed the only gift i got that christmas and it is the most treasured gift i've ever received. i will be buried with that bear right next to me, u hear me? BURIED WITH THAT BEAR.

that following summer you shot up five inches and surpassed me in height had to be the darkest summer of my entire LIFE. i remember looking down and no longer seeing your face...then the slow and painful climb of my eyes up your suddenly taller form. that smirk on your face made me wanna punch you right in the mouf. my heart sank as i realized my days of pushing you around were officially over. i can still hear you and mom laughing at me cuz i was crying at the fact you were taller than me.

when you told me you were following me to famu, i was both ecstatic and full of dread. you are NOT an easy person to live with and that year we lived together was no exception. i have never lived with a higher maintenance man in my ENTIRE LIFE. when you called mom to whine cuz i wasn't cooking for you, i thought you were a punk. there was plenty of ramen noodles and pinto beans and tuna in the cupboard. you should have stopped that whining shit and made you some ramen pinto tuna casserole or just drink alot of water. that's what i did. you did the next best thing you a girlfriend stupid enough to cook for yo ass instead.

no, i totally didn't appreciate your cock-blocking tendencies re-surfacing then, either. wally and i had been dating for a year before you got there, so i wasn't sleeping around. there was absolutely NO need for you to confront him and tell him he didn't need to be sleeping with me and that he snored too loudly. then you had to tell mom, who told dad, who suddenly wanted to drive down to beat wally's ass. i was SO GLAD when you moved out.

when you graduated from college, it was like i was walking across that stage with you. i thought about all the men in our family before you who hadn't gotten their degrees and all the boys after you who then knew a college education was obtainable because of you. i know for a fact you are the reason most of our younger male cousins have gone off to college. you are the bridge between dreams and reality. all of our family alive, dead, and yet to be born, thank you for that.

as adults we have cultivated our relationship to where now it is the strongest bond i experience in my life. you are my confidant, my cheerleader, my moral compass, my spiritual guide. you love me unconditionally and listen to me faithfully and without judgement. let's not get it still get on my nerves every now and again. sometimes i shake my head at you cuz ain't nothing else i can do.

meanwhile, if you ever doubted it, here's the are the person in the world i would die for happily and without reservation of any kind. my love for you shows me i have the capacity to love unreservedly and selflessly and constantly. your love for me shows me i am deserving of all the things i dream of.

you're my buddy, my ace, my lil bro.

i treasure you.

happy birthday, 'swad.